


More than anything else

by JKiryu, xAmalie



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Cheating, Childhood Memories, Coming Out, Drinking Games, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Sexual Content, Falling In Love, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Introspection, M/M, Never Have I Ever, Non-Linear Narrative, Oikawa Tooru Wears Glasses, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Phone Masturbation, Slow Burn, Smut, Teen Angst, Truth or Dare, talking about homophobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-10
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2018-06-07 16:08:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 153,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6812623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JKiryu/pseuds/JKiryu, https://archiveofourown.org/users/xAmalie/pseuds/xAmalie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>«Okay, let's put it this way. First of all, how do you feel about the very idea of dating a guy?»<br/>«I don't know, it's weird...»<br/>«What do you think about... I don't know. Dating me, for example?»<br/>«Is this a confession, Iwa-chan?»<br/>«You really want to be punched, don’t you?»<br/>«No, thanks!»</p>
<p>The more he thought about it, the more he was convinced of the likelihood of such a possibility, and the more he thought it could be possible, the more he felt confused. He knew that one day he would find himself mocking Iwaizumi endlessly if he'd been wrong, or thanking him if he'd been right.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Finally, this hellish journey begins! This should have been much shorter, but you know how it goes. You can't know when an idea will pop out and you'll want to write - Plus, you can't stop us from sinning. The need for angst was too strong~
> 
> Thanks to our precious betareader brazenmoon, always ready to support us and encourage us! Despite everything, we're Italian and this is the first fanfiction that we've translated in English. We apologize in advance for any mistake and don't feel shy, let us know so we can correct it!  
> Oh, and... Thanks to my sister JKiryu/Oikawa, who made me swear in real life while writing.
> 
> That said... happy reading!

Popularity, fame and success are surely things that have always been in Oikawa Tooru's life. Ever since he was little he'd always had everything he wanted: compliments and appreciation from teachers and adults for his intelligence and his cordiality, friends who respected him and, of course, the attention from girls, who, even when he was very young, have always been gravitating around him.  
As years went by, things didn't change at all. More and more people tried to approach him for his brilliance or simply for his appearance. He had figured out how to gain the most from the situations and how to deal with them in the best way possible. All those experiences had helped him grow up – although he still likes to torment his friends with his childish attitude. Also, it goes without saying that his volleyball skills had helped him _a lot_ to reach the spotlight he'd always craved so much.

Yes, Oikawa Tooru had always had everything, but he'd reached the point of wondering why this wasn't satisfying him at all.

For quite some time he'd felt like there was something wrong – or rather, out of place – in his life. He hadn't figured out what it was yet, and to be honest he didn't intend to waste time thinking about it. He only knew that the feeling was real. Several times he had tried to convince himself that it was only his paranoia, something his mind had made up to give him something to complain about with his friends.

At least he tried to think that way.

“ _Seriously, as if you weren't already whiny enough!”_ Iwaizumi had told him one day. “ _Always looking for an excuse to get more attention. And now, what? It turns out that you're feeling that there's something wrong with you. Make the world a favor, stop with this bullshit and start thinking about the important things, Oikawa!”_  
“ _Mh... Yeah, you're right. I shouldn't complain when there are people like you out there.”_  
“ _What the hell are you trying to say?”_  
“ _Well, it would be rude of me to complain about something I can't understand, since I have everything I can hope for. It must be hard for you to be around me, right? I have beauty, good grades, sport skills... My bad, Iwa-chan! But I don't want you to feel sorry for yourself. I care about my best friend, so I'll do my best to support you!”_

He had definitely deserved the ball Iwaizumi had hit him in the face with. However, amongst his own laughter and Iwaizumi's shouts, he'd finally managed to hide that oppressive thought in a remote part of himself. Focusing solely on his volleyball training helped Oikawa deal with his doubts – or, more likely, it helped him avoid them with style. At a certain point he found himself thinking that it had been only a passing feeling, just like Iwaizumi said.

He had believed it, really. Until the failure with his last girlfriend.

“ _Tooru, maybe it's better if we end it here, don't you think?”_ She was sobbing, and yet she was smiling at him. Oikawa had tried to ask for an explanation, but she'd stopped him and kept talking. “ _We both know that no one will ever be more important than volleyball for you, not even your girlfriend. You're so obsessed with that sport that you never realized that this relationship was falling apart. I understand your dedication, watching you play on the court is what made me fall in love with you, but... I- I love you, but it feels like you don't even know what it means to date a girl and I don't want this kind of relationship, I'm sorry.”_

Those words had been so sharp that they were able to bring back all his doubts. The feeling of unease that he'd felt so long ago came back to him so strongly that he could no longer ignore it.

And yet, their breakup wasn't the real cause of that. It wasn't the fact of being told _“you prefer volleyball over me”_ that made him think. They had started dating a few weeks after the friendly match against Karasuno. It was the time when he'd almost spiraled back into his self-destructive workout sessions, just because seeing Kageyama Tobio again had awoken his slumbering antagonism and had made his blood boil. He had managed to get out of his vicious cycle only thanks to his friends, who had to drag him away from the gym by force over and over again to get him to stop.

So he knew. He knew that those words were undeniably true.  
What had really made his stomach churn was something else she'd told him.

“ _It feels like you don't even know what it means to date a girl._ "

She was right. Maybe too much.  
Breaking up with his girlfriend was supposed to make him feel bad. He was supposed to ask her _Why? Don't you want us to try one more time?_ and cry, at worst. He had to ask himself why that relationship didn't last and, above all, why he had felt so calm and at peace once it was over. It was as if he had entered a vortex of apathy and in _that_ moment, when he felt nothing for what had happened, he really started to worry. He was seriously afraid that there was something wrong with him, because it wasn't normal to feel that way. He should have told her that she was wrong, he should have apologized and asked her to try again, promising that he wouldn't make the same mistakes, but...

“ _Yeah, maybe we should end it here”_ was all he had managed to say, before his now ex-girlfriend got out of his room with red eyes filled with tears, tears that Oikawa would have never cried for her.

_\- - - - - -_

«Believe me! I'm not joking when I say that it's weird! What if there's really something wrong with me? Is it a problem with my emotions? Or a disease!? She was crying and I didn't know what to say, but when I told her that I was feeling bad for her and that it was all my fault, she started to cry even louder! I just wanted to cry too, because I didn't know what to say. I panicked! But I'm really sorry that she was feeling like that, I'm not lying! I've started dating her because she was pretty, friendly, a really smart girl, but then... I don't know. Have I been too impulsive? Maybe I should have thought about it more before agreeing to break up with her, don't you think? Should I try calling her again? Aaah, I don't know what to do!»

Oikawa sighed heavily and crossed his arms on the table, leaning his cheek on them and laying his eyes on a random spot of the café.  
It was a quiet Sunday afternoon, sunny and far too hot since July had just begun. It was the kind of relaxing day that brought whole families to the parks, the kind that makes you complain of not having an ice cream or regret not being in front of a fan instead of having to venture out under the scorching rays of the sun to indulge your stupid best friend.

At least, these were Iwaizumi's thoughts. 

«Let me understand. **»** He was leaning back in his chair, arms folded on his chest, and until then he hadn't even opened his mouth. He had been staring silently at Oikawa, listening without making comments, but keeping his mouth shut had become increasingly difficult with every statement and question the other had kept asking to no one. From calm and bored as he'd been when they had sat down at their table, he had come to frown and huff. «You woke me up at nine in the morning to ask me out this afternoon, telling me that you had something important to talk about. Now, I didn't believe you and apparently I was right, as always. Do you realize that it's... what? The seventh time in a year that this happens? Do you think I still care about you breaking up with a girl!?»

Oikawa turned his head to prop his chin over his arms this time and looked at Iwaizumi with an offended pout, before the other spoke again with growing irritation in his voice.

«And when are you not impulsive!? I've always told you that your attitude is awful and that sooner or later she would have dumped you! You're too used to the girls who come after you and are willing to do anything to be with you! Step down from the pedestal, you idiot!»

Iwaizumi observed the way Oikawa puffed out his cheeks in protest, then pointed his elbow on the wooden surface and leaned his face on the palm of his hand, pursing his lips thoughtfully. It looked like he hadn't listened to a single word the other had said.

«This is not what I'm complaining about! Let's make it clear, okay? I know I'm tremendously charismatic and handso- NO, I'M JOKING, DON'T LEAVE ME HERE! **»** Oikawa leapt forward to grab Iwaizumi by his arm the moment he stood up from his chair. Iwaizumi looked at him and sighed, visibly irritated, but then he sat down again. When Oikawa was sure that his best friend wouldn't run away as soon as he'd let him go, he regained his composure and continued talking. «I feel that there is something different, okay? It feels like I can't give them what they want even if I receive 100% of their love and I don't like that at all. But the problem is that I can't do anything about it, because I don't feel the need to try, to figure out what's wrong. It's weird.»

The annoyed expression Iwaizumi gave him was more exhaustive than any words, but nevertheless he found himself unable to deny that moment of confessions to his friend. He wasn't thrilled with the turn the discussion was taking, at all. He didn't want to waste the day with Oikawa's imaginary problems – and yes, it was seriously the hundredth time he'd been forced to listen to them.

_"Iwa-chan, I have a problem with a girl!"_  
_"Iwa-chan, do you know who's in love with me?"_  
_"Iwa-chan, do you think this gift is right for her?"  
_ _"Iwa-chan! What do you think about her?"_

Iwaizumi closed his eyes and took a deep breath to calm down and stop himself from throwing his still half-full cup of coffee against Oikawa, then leaned forward and folded his arms on the table to look at his friend straight in the eyes.

What had he done wrong to deserve someone so whiny in his life?

«Okay, let's go through this step by step, as you wish. You met this girl and at the beginning everything was fine. This is what you told me. Did you have a sudden change of heart or is it that you weren't too into it from the start? Because if it's the latter case I would kill you just for giving the girl false hopes. If the change happened later, I'm going to congratulate her for finally opening her eyes. Are we done?» **  
**«IWA-CHAN! **»** Oikawa gave him a warning look and Iwaizumi couldn't help but curse softly, aware that he couldn't run away from that discussion so easily.  
«What if you've simply lost interest and you're looking for a way to exaggerate the issue and make yourself the victim instead?»

Oikawa straightened up his back, looking serious. He grabbed the edge of the table to lean forward towards Iwaizumi as an annoyed grimace appeared on his face, before speaking again.

«Who do you think I am? I'm telling you exactly how I feel, I'm not exaggerating anything! It felt nice dating her, I liked how we got along and how we could talk about everything, but then it seemed as if she wanted more and more and more from me and...»  
«...and? What?»  
«I couldn't figure out what she wanted from me.» **  
** «Well, maybe you hadn't even realized your "loss" of interest. **»** Iwaizumi made air quotes with his fingers before crossing his arms back on the table. «Maybe you were too busy feeding your disproportionate ego to realize that you never felt anything for her and when the time to deal with it came, the bomb exploded in your hands without you even noticing you had it. Don't you think it could be possible? Because I think it is, I know you too well and I know that you'd be capable of that.»

Oikawa's gaze was lost for a moment. His eyes were fixed on the table in front of him as his hand began to torment his napkin. Iwaizumi was the one who made him realize that gesture, when he gave Oikawa a light pat on the hand to make him stop playing with the piece of fabric.

«The fact is that I'm sad,» said Oikawa, a thoughtful expression on his face before it twisted in his frustration. «But it's not the sadness that I should feel after a break up. It's just regret for making her suffer, that's all.»

Iwaizumi watched him, studied his reactions, and only when he was sure of what to say he spoke up.

«So, you're saying that you didn't feel anything for her, but you're still sad because you couldn't reciprocate her feelings? And you're regretting that you made her feel so bad? To be honest, I think that it's a bit offensive in her regards. Do you realize that she had to bear with you for months? At least be sure of your decision.»

Iwaizumi's arms crossed over his chest as he leaned back in the chair, slipping lower on it with obvious disdain. He'd never liked Oikawa's shallow and fickle side, and it didn't help that the other unashamedly owned up to it. Several times Oikawa had thought he was taking the right decision before reconsidering it two seconds later, just to look back again when he had already changed his mind. Iwaizumi had always reprimanded him for that, but in this particular case it was different. This time it wasn't a matter of his friend being shallow or fickle. The problem was that Oikawa hadn't the faintest idea of what was going on.

«I'm sure. Or at least... I thought I was? I wouldn't have minded continuing to date her, but apparently she didn't like how I behaved. Maybe it's true that I always have volleyball on my mind.»

Oikawa's eyes remained fixed on the table again, then absentmindedly focused on Iwaizumi's mug. He hadn't done it on purpose, he was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't realize it until Iwaizumi quietly slid the cup towards him. Oikawa frowned and raised his gaze.

«Shut up and drink, you coffeeholic. You need it.»

Oikawa smiled at the name calling. He silently took the mug in his hands and lifted it to his lips. He whispered a slight "thank you", then sipped the coffee, even if it was almost cold. Not that he cared, he would have loved it even if it had been frozen. It managed to wake him up, to keep him active and above all to put his brain in motion when he was out of ideas. He would have easily survived just with coffee and Iwaizumi knew it too. The latter was the one who had to deal with the situation when Oikawa found out how good coffee was. Anyway, Oikawa also knew that it wasn't good for him. He knew that maybe too well since, years before, he almost didn't sleep for two nights in a row because of his caffeine abuse.

«So...» Oikawa looked up when Iwaizumi's voice reached him, but didn't stop drinking. «What's with this fucked up story that you were okay with the idea of continuing to date her even if you didn't know what you were feeling? Are you really that stupid!?»

Oikawa almost spilled the coffee when Iwaizumi kicked him under the table, but he managed to save it by placing down the mug.

«Why did you hit me!?» Oikawa snapped in disbelief.  
«Because you deserve it!» Realizing that he had raised his voice, Iwaizumi looked around quickly to see if he had attracted the attention of other customers. Luckily that wasn't the case, so he continued talking once he was certain that he had calmed down a bit. «You know why you can't catch a break? Because it's true that you can't stop thinking about volleyball! You put it before everything and everyone else and it will always be like this. You're never going to be able to put the sport you love so much in second place. What you need...»

Iwaizumi paused, this time thinking seriously.

«You need someone who loves volleyball as much as you do. Someone who loves it enough to perfectly understand how you feel.»  
«But I already have you for that, Iwa-chan! I don't think that's the problem!»  
«I am deeply convinced that we have different views of this "someone".»

Oikawa moved his empty mug next to the one he previously finished and sighed, then he rested his chin on his hand to look out the window.

«That was just the last straw, I know that there's a lot more to it. I only need to figure out what it is. I could easily take a step out the door and in a second I would find someone willing to date me, you know?»  
«Yes, I confirm that we have different views on this situation.» **  
**«The problem is me!» **  
** «Finally, something we can agree on!»

Oikawa turned to him with an offended expression and Iwaizumi grinned before continuing to tease him.

«So you were listening, huh?» Oikawa shook off that comment with a snort.  
«Iwa-chan, seriously. I would really like to understand what I'm doing wrong. Girls are a mystery. It's so easy to make them become infatuated with you, but then they dump you without thinking twice. And it's not true that I don't feel anything, if I choose to say yes to someone it's because I like her.» **  
** «That's your problem, you tend to say yes too easily. I remember the third-year manager who confessed her feelings to you during our first year. You know what you told me back then? That you hadn't been able to reject her because you were afraid that it could cause an awkward situation for the team. Then there was the girl who asked you to pretend to be dating her because she wanted to make her ex-boyfriend jealous. Do you remember her? In the end, you two kept dating for three whole weeks. Do I have to continue? Because I have years worth of examples like these.»

Iwaizumi stopped talking when a waitress reached their table to ask if they needed anything. He took the opportunity to order another coffee, since his previous one had been finished by Oikawa. The girl wrote down the order and Iwaizumi thanked her with a smile. Oikawa didn't miss a single moment of that exchange and, in fact, he noticed when the girl returned the smile before walking away to deliver the order. He was so focused that he hardly noticed when Iwaizumi started speaking again.

«What I mean is that maybe you should stop focusing on how cute a girl is or agreeing to date someone just because they ask you to do it. Maybe you need to date someone you can be yourself and feel at ease with, don't you think? It's useless to try to be someone else, like you always do. Look for someone who shares your interests. **»** Iwaizumi thought about it and immediately grimaced in disgust, shuddering. «Even if the only person who fits the description and would be able to deal with your shit is me. And it makes me realize how much of a masochistic I actually am, since I've been by your side for so many years.»

Oikawa almost laughed in his face, but instead he limited himself to an amused snort. Before speaking again he waited for the waitress – who in the meantime had returned to their table with Iwaizumi's order – to put down a new mug in front of his friend. Iwaizumi thanked her again with his usual affable smile, the one he used to give to anyone but Oikawa, and she blushed, telling him to let her know if he needed anything else. Iwaizumi nodded, then she walked away. Again, Oikawa didn't miss a second of that exchange and stayed focused on his best friend, even when Iwaizumi started to quietly sip his coffee.

«Okay, I know that what I'm about to ask is completely absurd, and it would sound like that for anyone who would hear us talking, but you leave me no choice.» Oikawa sharpened his gaze on Iwaizumi, who rolled his eyes in response. «How do you act with girls? I don't want to know how you approach them, I'm way too good at that. I just want to know what you do when you're in a relationship.»

Iwaizumi choked on his coffee, so much that he had to put down the mug on the table to avoid spilling it all over himself.

«What the fuck are you talking about!?» **  
** «Just answer me!»

Despite the glare that Iwaizumi sent him, he seemed to take the question seriously. Certainly no one would have ever expected that Oikawa, of all people, would have asked him such a thing. However, he was curious about what that discussion could lead to.

«What do I do, uh?» He covered his lips with a hand and looked down, thinking carefully. «Honestly speaking, I don't think I act any differently than usual. I'm not the type who changes attitude just because I start dating a girl, I'm sure that there is no point in being with someone if you have to pretend to be someone else. Of course, I don't usually insult people as liberally as I do with you, but that's the only exception. I'm convinced that if things don't work out well, it just wasn't meant to happen.»  
«See!? That's what I was talking about!» Oikawa snapped his fingers and pointed to the other with an excited expression. «I am myself when I'm with girls but they always become a silent bundle of needs that I have to untangle and it becomes frustrating!» **  
**«That's because girls want to feel appreciated, you’re just too stupid to understand it.» Iwaizumi shrugged, as if he had said the most obvious thing in the world.  
«I want to feel appreciated too, what’s with this discrimination!? That has nothing to do with being a girl!»

Oikawa puffed out his cheeks before pouting again. A puzzled and somewhat astonished expression appeared on Iwaizumi's face, as the other's statements left him speechless.

«Am I talking to my best friend or to a little girl seeking attention? Because I’m having some doubts.»  
«Iwa-chan, what I mean is that they should respect what I like and dislike too, right? They shouldn’t reproach me for having volleyball as my first priority. I mean, I'm not hiding my passions. It's clear how much I like that sport, don't you think?»  
«If you had someone who’s really important to you, would you be willing to put her first in your list of priorities?»

This time Iwaizumi looked calm, maybe because he was aware of how silly the question he had asked sounded. As Iwaizumi expected, in fact, Oikawa sighed and crossed his arms over his chest, looking away.

«In a certain way I'm in love with volleyball, so it's hard to think about putting it aside.» **  
**«See? How do you expect to find a person who is willing to keep up with you and appreciate you, and at the same time doesn’t mind not being your first concern? Don't you think that's pretty selfish, even for you?» **  
** «It's not just this...»

Oikawa was thinking about something, but he couldn't find a logical thread to connect his scattered feelings. If it had been about volleyball, he would have understood. But if volleyball had really been the cause of his long history of break ups, his relationships would have lasted much less than they actually did. Oikawa Tooru was a fanatic and girls knew that too. The fact that the real issues always started to arise only after weeks or even months of dating, was what made him think.

_At first it's all perfect, we laugh and we kiss and everything seems alright. Then, the moment the relationship starts becoming deeper, girls leave me. Why?_

«It's not because of volleyball,» he decided in the end. «It's something different, something in my behavior that must really annoy them.» **  
** «Your very existence?»

Oikawa didn't reply to that little dig and from that, Iwaizumi probably realized that those thoughts were really wearing his best friend out. He had never seen him being so serious and thoughtful, so eager to find an answer.

«Iwa-chan, why haven’t you ever had a girlfriend?»

Iwaizumi seemed to be taken aback, but rather than give him a sour retort – let's face it, he was a bit offended by the insinuation – he decided to take it easy.

«Look, I had my experiences. Just because you have an ego that’s large enough to compete with the sun and you think the world revolves around you, it doesn't mean that other people don't have a life.»

Oikawa turned abruptly towards him, intrigued and confused at the same time.

«I never noticed.» **  
**«Maybe that’s because I don't go flaunting my relationships around. I'm not you. Even as a child, you always came to me to boast every time a girl confessed her feelings to you.» **  
** «But I would have noticed if you had been dating someone, don't you think? Unless...» A grin lit up Oikawa's face. «Unless it's a lie. Or you just rejected them all.»

Iwaizumi sharpened his glare on the other and clenched his hands into fists.

«I didn't reject all of them, I just...» He stopped and looked away, pondering a second before continuing. He was seriously annoyed, but also a little uncomfortable. «You know what? Why are we talking about me when you are the reason we’re here?»

He tried, but it was obvious that he couldn't avoid the matter so easily. Oikawa seemed all too intrigued.

«I just...? Go ahead, you can tell me!» **  
**«Stop.» **  
** «Come on, Iwa-chan!» He leaned closer to whisper, even putting a hand near his mouth to prevent others from hearing what he was saying. «You can tell me if you have any physical problem that doesn't allow you to satisfy your girlfriends and for that you decided not to suffer anymore!»

Iwaizumi had the urge to throw something at him, but he didn't want to get too much attention from the other patrons – not to mention that he would have had to pay for the damages and apologize profusely, only to be kicked out from the coffee shop in the end. To avoid the risk, he merely pierced Oikawa with his eyes, wishing he could wipe the grin off his friend's face.

«I don’t have any physical problem, you idiot!!» **  
**«Then what's the reason?» **  
** «I've only decided to put that aside until the end of the year, okay? I want to focus on the matches that we still have to play and, of course, the exams! I have to study hard if I want to be admitted to the university I chose.»

Oikawa stared at him in silence for a moment, before speaking with a deadpan seriousness.

«You? Studying? Seriously, the physical problem was more believable.»

He couldn't throw anything at him, but nothing prevented Iwaizumi to kick the other under the table with all his might, making Oikawa snap back with a yelp that drew the attention of all the customers. He blushed visibly and apologized for the noise, then turned towards Iwaizumi angrily.

«That will teach you to stop talking shit, **»** were Iwaizumi's only words.  
«Studying, huh? So boring, just what would be expected from a square like you.» However, despite everything, he couldn't suppress a smile. «Maybe I should do it myself, as a distraction.»

Iwaizumi stared at Oikawa for a long time, perhaps too intently, but it looked like something had clicked in his mind. He leaned back in his chair and crossed his ankles under the table, sliding his hands into his pockets.  
The chatter in the shop dulled out to their ears as a strange silence fell over them. It was certainly odd compared to the racket they usually caused whenever they were together.  
Oikawa noticed it and searched for Iwaizumi's eyes, finding him deep in thought. Then he saw him bite his lower lip, a sign of nervousness.

«You know... I've started thinking about something while you were saying that when you’re with girls you don't feel what anyone should feel when they're with someone...»

Oikawa raised his eyebrows, curious to know what the other meant. Iwaizumi wasn't even looking at him, at least until he opened his mouth to speak. Only then he directed his gaze at him again, out of the corner of his eye.

«Are you sure that you really like girls?»

Oikawa didn't really understand the question, Iwaizumi noticed it as soon as he saw his friend tilt his head to the side and frown.

«Why shouldn't I? Are you stupid, Iwa-chan? I would avoid them if it was like that!»

Iwaizumi sighed and muttered something under his breath, then tried to explain himself.

«I mean being with them, dating...» Noticing the increasingly confused expression on the other's face, Iwaizumi ruffled the hair on the back of his head and frowned as well. He leaned over the table to get closer to Oikawa, lowering his voice to make sure the other customers couldn’t hear. «I mean... sexually. Are you sure you don't have other preferences?»

The seconds passed, but Oikawa's mind didn't seem willing to cooperate. His expression remained blank as he stared at Iwaizumi, his words echoing louder and louder in his head, until the realization of what the other had suggested hit him at full force.

«WHAT!?» Oikawa was aware that he had raised his voice, but he couldn’t restrain himself. He gripped the edge of the table with his hands, leaning forward to let out a nervous whisper, agitation oozing from his every gesture. «And where did this come from!?»

Iwaizumi knew it was a far-fetched theory, but the longer he thought about it, the easier the pieces of the puzzle seemed to fit in that story. Of course, he wouldn't have felt entirely at ease if it had actually been true – not because it would repulse him, of course not, but because it was all too sudden.  
Nevertheless, he forced himself to keep his eyes fixed in Oikawa's, to make him understand that he was taking it seriously, and this wasn’t some distasteful joke as the other might have thought.

«Intuition? I mean, try to see my point. Ever since I’ve known you, you've done nothing but brag about all the girls who’ve fallen in love with you, about how your beauty and your "wonderful personality" could attract anyone, yet the longest relationship you’ve had with a girl lasted only a few months. Each time, your girlfriends broke up with you, always complaining that they weren't satisfied by how they were treated or that they weren't feeling loved by you. Now you're telling me that you feel that there’s something wrong with you, that you don't feel the same for them as they do for you, that you don't feel attracted to them like you should. The doubt arises spontaneously, don't you think?»

Oikawa adverted his gaze for a second before focusing back on Iwaizumi.

«What if I just haven’t found the right girl yet? It's not that I have to like a gu-» Just trying to say it made him feel uncomfortable. «I've... never fallen in love with a boy.» **  
**«It never happened with a girl either, or am I wrong? Maybe it's because you've never thought about it. You have always assumed that you liked girls and you've never considered this possibility.» **  
**«Why!? Have _you_ ever thought about it? No, I don't think so! It's not something my mind goes to naturally, you know? I don't get up in the morning wondering _“Hey, what if I like boys?”_ » **  
**«Why should _I_ think about it!? I have no problem with girls!» **  
**«Me neither, girls are the ones who have problems with me!» **  
** «But girls have problems with you because you have problems with them! You told me that!» Iwaizumi snapped. The owner of the café shot them a warning glare from behind the counter, and Iwaizumi apologized with an embarrassed bow of his head before returning to look at his friend.

Oikawa looked seriously upset. Not because of the insinuation, but rather for what it would have entailed if it had been true.  
Did he like boys? _No,_ he thought, _that’s impossible_. He loved girls, he had spent his entire life surrounded by them and he had always established relationships with them. Not with men, as Iwaizumi was alluding. It was true though, he had never been in love, nor had he ever pursued a relationship in particular. He had always dated girls, but perhaps they had never interested him in _that_ sense? Indeed, if he thought back about some of the situations he'd found himself in, some doubts did come to mind, and not just about the more innocent situations. He liked having girls around, he liked their presence. However...

He pursed his lips in worry. He had never thought seriously about that option before, although frankly he didn't have any evidence that could help him confirm or deny it.

«Let's see...» Not even Oikawa could believe what he was about to say. His cheeks had begun to gain a darker color and it was funny to see him getting so uncomfortable, especially if this was added to the dubious voice in which he spoke. «How would I know if I like boys? I'm not saying that it's true, of course, but at this point I want to consider any possibility.»

Iwaizumi turned to look around them. There weren't as many customers as when they'd arrived, but most of the tables still remained occupied, even the ones that were close to them.  
He clicked his tongue in irritation, annoyed that the situation didn’t allow him to talk properly, but when he returned his eyes on Oikawa, he was strangely serious. He just hoped that the other patrons were too busy with their own conversations to pay attention to what the two of them were saying. He also prayed that speaking in a low voice could somehow be enough, but knowing Oikawa it would take little effort to make him shout again.

«First of all, I have no idea,» he made it clear, sighing and leaning more on the table until their faces were only ten centimeters apart. His voice was a mere whisper. «Second of all, I think you should have a thorough self-examination to understand if this could be your case.» **  
**«If it was that easy I wouldn't have come here today to talk to you, don't you think? It's hard to understand when I've never been seriously in love with anyone.» **  
** «You know I'm trying to help you, right? Because that conceited tone of yours is just making me want to punch you in the face right now. It's irritating.»

Oikawa barely smiled. Iwaizumi looked at him, then glanced out the window and then at a spot in front of him, his facial expressions ranging from perplexed to confused, until settling on exasperated. He sighed heavily, looked up at the ceiling and clasped his hands behind his head in a blatant display of nervousness, only looking at Oikawa after a moment.

«Fuck this! If I had known what was waiting for me today, I would have certainly made up an excuse to avoid this meeting!» Iwaizumi looked angry, but in truth it was clear that the topic of discussion was just making him uncomfortable too. How could it have been otherwise? He was deliberating about his best friend's sexual preferences! «Okay, let's put it this way. First of all, how do you feel about the very idea of dating a guy?»

Oikawa thought hard about it, but he couldn't find an answer. «I don't know, it's weird...»

Noticing his struggle, Iwaizumi gave him a confused look. He wasn't convinced at all of what he was going to say, but he didn't back down.

«What do you think about... I don't know. Dating me, for example?» **  
**«Is this a confession, Iwa-chan?» **  
**«You really want to be punched, don’t you?» **  
** «No, thanks! Let me think about it for a second.»

The two of them stared at each other in silence. Oikawa frowned, parted his lips to say something, but then leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms over his chest, as if he was struggling to find a right answer. Only when Oikawa finally grinned, Iwaizumi was sure that his friend was going to say something really stupid.

«I don't know, yours is a special case. You would be my soulmate, Iwa-chan!»

The disgusted expression that twisted Iwaizumi's face was more than exhaustive, and Oikawa laughed at it.

«Just kidding! But seriously, the bond I share with you is different than the ones I have with other guys, I can't make such a comparison. I'm not disgusted or repelled by it, or... I don't know, I don't feel anything wrong with it. The idea of dating you seems almost normal, but again, yours is a special case.» **  
** «So you are confirming that if you found the right guy, you wouldn't dislike the idea of dating him. Well, at least we went from _“I have problems with girls”_ to _“I have problems with girls because maybe I like boys”_.» Iwaizumi repeated what Oikawa really meant with his words, only exposing it in a simple and straightforward way.

Oikawa didn't even notice that his chill attitude about the dating thing was the proof Iwaizumi was looking for.

«I just made an assumption, the same concept would apply to a girl. How can I be sure, if I don't meet the right girl? ...or the right boy, just to stay on topic. And Iwa-chan, I'm talking about emotional attraction, not something weird. I could fall in love with anyone, maybe. A girl or a boy. I certainly cannot know it right now.»  
«What do you expect, to find the right person out of nowhere? You have to make your own experiences, of course. You said that you wouldn't know how to be sure if you like boys or not? Well, do something about it. I'm not telling you to have sex with the first guy you find, but maybe you can think about “some things”, and if the thought of it doesn't disgust you, it means you are on the right path to find out what's bothering you. You're saying that you didn't feel attracted to the girls you've been with, but... fuck, I can't believe I'm really asking you this. When you were alone with a girl... yes, you know where I’m going with this, don't play dumb. What did you feel? I think it isn't hard to reach a conclusion if you think about those situations, right?»  
«You pervert, Iwa-chan!» Oikawa grinned, but froze when Iwaizumi glared at him.

Iwaizumi studied his friend with evident curiosity. Oikawa, on the other hand, was starting to grow more and more nervous.  
He gave the hint of a smile, a thoughtful glance, then he ruffled his hair with a hand. He took a deep breath and leaned closer to Iwaizumi, looking a bit uncomfortable and clearly embarrassed, and didn’t speak up before looking around to be sure no one was listening to them.

«Well, you see... I'm sorry if I'm going to ruin the perfect image you have of me, Iwa-chan, but the truth is that I've never gone too far with a girl. So, thinking about doing it with a guy is almost surreal for me.»

Iwaizumi's eyes widened and he pulled back abruptly, making the chair screech against the floor, to look better at Oikawa. He searched for the sign of a grin, something that would tell him that his best friend was joking and that soon he would start laughing in his face, but it never happened. Oikawa seemed serious, and Iwaizumi was completely taken aback by the confession he never would have expected from the other.  
The most popular student of their school, the one who was idolized by every girl… had never had sex with anyone? Even Iwaizumi, his best friend, had always believed the opposite. He had always taken it for granted.

«So... you never...?»  
«Don't look at me like that.»  
«Are you fucking kidding me?»  
«It's not a big deal, you know?»  
«Never? Really? Wait, is this one of your sick jokes?»  
«Iwa-chan, stop it!»

Oikawa blushed slightly at the other’s reaction, looking even a bit offended.

«What’s the problem with that? I'm not entirely innocent if you want to know, don't picture me as a poor virgin now.»  
«I don't care about your sexual life, this discussion is already embarrassing enough, thank you.»  
«You asked, Iwa-chan!»  
«I'm not asking you anything, for fuck's sake!»  
«Whatever. But to be honest...» Oikawa took his chin between thumb and forefinger, thinking. «Now that you mention it, I've never had much of a “drive” to do that kind of stuff, or at least not with my exes. Sure, like I said some things happened, but- no, wait.»

Iwaizumi was looking at him in disbelief, drumming his fingers on the wooden surface and waiting for the other to speak.

«Now I know what they meant when they told me that I wasn't giving them the same attentions they gave to me.»

The continuous drumming ceased abruptly.

«What?» Iwaizumi looked at him in shock, giving the hint of a smile that was concealing anger.  
«They always complained that I didn't take care of them, saying that they couldn't believe I was so shy... only now I actually realize what they meant.»

The innocent light in Oikawa's eyes was nothing compared to the anger that took over Iwaizumi's when he slammed his fist on the table. He was forced to lean towards Oikawa and to lower his voice, since the other clients had turned to their direction, attracted by the noise. Iwaizumi heard them grumbling and complaining, but he didn't care.

«You deserve every harsh word that those poor girls have told you, Shittykawa!»  
«Look, it's not my fault! It's never been my first concern, they were always the ones who took the initiative! I never felt the urge to do it too, okay?» He looked away, furrowing his brow. «I never thought about it seriously. This is... important. I guess.»  
«You guess?! If this isn't a logical reason for doubting your sexual orientation, then what the fuck is it!?» Iwaizumi hissed, before biting his lower lip hard and clenching his hands into fists to avoid hitting something else. Or _someone_ else. The choice was hard. «You should feel a lot of things when you're being intimate with your girlfriend! If you don't feel that way, with any girl, you should start having doubts, you know?!»  
«Okay, okay. I may have no interest in having sex with girls,» Oikawa concluded. «It would make sense, since I tried again and again and it always ended up the same way.»

Iwaizumi raised his eyebrows as if to ask an implicit "so what?", but noticing that Oikawa was still lost in his thoughts, he started talking again to attract his attention.

«Like I said, it isn't something that you'll understand right away if you hadn't even thought about it in all these years. Try something and see how it goes.» Iwaizumi shrugged dismissively and leaned back, stretching before slouching on the chair.  
«Maybe I'll try following your advice. Worst case scenario, I'll start again from the beginning... or I'll find out that I like boys, who knows.»

Iwaizumi stared at him with a placid look in his eyes, but inside he had a raging river. He was feeling doubtful about the whole issue, about what Oikawa had confessed to him and about the advice that he himself had given him. To tell the truth, Iwaizumi had found himself at a loss for words several times, because _what the fuck am I supposed to tell Oikawa_? He had never been in a situation like that, much less could he imagine how to help Oikawa face it. In just a short time he had become aware of so many things that his head was starting to hurt.

«The only thing that can go wrong, is that you will make even guys go crazy.» Iwaizumi whispered, trying to hide the amused smile that had appeared on his lips. Oikawa turned towards him and winked.  
«Be careful, then.»  
«I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I meant crazy because of your shit personality.»  
«You're mean, Iwa-chan!» Oikawa whimpered, then sighed before smiling to his friend. «But if I start seeing another person, wouldn't you be jealous?»

Iwaizumi said nothing for a good handful of seconds. It didn't cross his mind that Oikawa could read his silence as a positive answer, but when he realized that, he hurried to twist his expression into an annoyed grimace.

«I'd tell you to get up and leave, you and your stupid questions,» he muttered. «I'm so used to your presence that I don't even know what the word “normal” means anymore, so it's obvious that it would be weird. At least at first.»  
«I'm flattered that you presumed that I meant friendship in general, but I was talking about the fact that I could actually date a guy.»

It was hard to tell if Oikawa was saying that just to mess with him or if he was really taking the option into consideration. The only certain thing was the surprise in his eyes when Iwaizumi replied.

«Why? How would that be any different? A relationship is a relationship, whether you like a girl or a boy doesn't change anything. Just because people don't look very kindly upon it, it doesn't mean you have to worry about it. And whatever you'll end up realizing, I'll never turn my back on you. You're still my best friend.»  
«Iwa-chan...» Oikawa put his hands over his heart in a far too theatrical way, sighing. «You're grumpy, arrogant and hotheaded, but I love you! I could really fall for you!»

Oddly, Iwaizumi didn't react to that provocation. He merely shook his head and glared at Oikawa.

«I just said what I was thinking, but... don't throw yourself head first into situations that you can't control. I know you and I know you haven’t got the faintest idea of what half-measures are.»  
«Believe me, half-measures would be the last of my thoughts if I found myself in some weird situation, but thanks for your concern, Mom!» Oikawa chuckled, and Iwaizumi barely managed to hide his irritation as he retorted, «Say it again and it will be the last thing that comes out of your mouth.»

Oikawa put his hands up and laughed, hiding the fear that had spread through him at that threat.

«My life is too precious! I'll shut up! »

After that, they wordlessly agreed to change the subject. Oikawa never knew if Iwaizumi had done it on purpose or if it had happened naturally, but they didn't complain, because further discussing such a delicate topic would have meant adding more questions to the ones that were already clogging Oikawa's mind.

He wasn't cool about it. He felt agitated, almost intimidated. The more he thought about it, the more he was convinced of the likelihood of such a possibility, and the more he thought it could be possible, the more he felt confused. He could have discarded the idea from the beginning, but just like the feeling of "wrong" had echoed in his mind until that day, the same was now true for that crazy option. Maybe one day he would have found that to be the truth, he would have discovered if Iwaizumi had got it right. He knew that one day he would find himself mocking Iwaizumi endlessly if he'd been wrong, or thanking him if he'd been right.

The only thing Oikawa couldn't predict, was that the answer he was searching for would be coming much sooner than he expected.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa's sister has a name, Machi, because calling her "his sister" all the time was driving us crazy. Same thing will happen in the future for their mother and Iwa-chan's mom.

Oikawa really thought about the conversation he had with Iwaizumi, even if doing that left him with a growing sense of unease. He thought about their talk in the late afternoon, when he said goodbye to his best friend before heading home. He thought about it even more when, a few hours later, Iwaizumi called him on his phone to chat, because he was bored and had nothing better to do.

“ _Are you sure everything's alright? You sound distracted.”_ Iwaizumi had asked him at some point.  
“ _I'm okay! Not even my mother worries as much as you do, so please stop!”_  
“ _You know what? Go to hell.”  
_ “ _You're mean, Iwa-chan!”_

To tell the truth, Oikawa thought about their conversation even during the following day. He thought about it while he was going to the bathroom, as he showered, as he was getting dressed and while he was having breakfast. He was literally obsessed by what they had talked about. That day, after lunch, he even had to take some medicine for the headache he'd given himself from overthinking, but that didn't stop his search for an answer to all his problems.

Well... not that he could ever find it. It was impossible to find what he was searching for based only on conjectures, and he knew that.

_\- - - - - -_

«It's not like it would change anything anyway, right?» Oikawa muttered to himself while lying on his bed, focused on tossing the ball in air. «It's not that girls disgust me, I like them. It's just that they don't make me feel... complete. Nonetheless, I don't see how a boy could make me feel somewhat differently.»

He sighed, unable to think of anything that could help him.  
Iwaizumi had told him to think of an ideal person that could make him fall in love, but he just couldn't do it. It wasn't a problem of _he_ or _she_... For Oikawa, the very idea of falling in love or feeling the passionate need for someone was absurd. He had never felt that way before, for anyone.

 _\- - - - - -_  

During a slow afternoon, Oikawa had decided to take advantage of the summer break to spend some quality time with Takeru. Even without his school rhythms, he was used to rest on Mondays. Plus, he really needed to relax and disconnect his mind from all the thinking.  
For these reasons, Oikawa had gone to watch his nephew's volleyball workouts, to see how he was doing and if he was getting better, but despite everything he hadn't been able to keep his focus on the kid. Even though his eyes were on the court, his mind continued to wander, so much that Oikawa didn’t even realize the training was over until Takeru brought him back to reality, telling his uncle that he was ready to go.

«Did you see it when I tried a jump serve?!» Takeru swung his arm to mimic the gesture. «They told me that I have a lot of strength and that, sooner or later, I'll be strong enough to give all my opponents a hard time with just my serves! Just like you!»  
«Don't flatter yourself, there are years of training between you and me!»  
«Right, that's why I'll become better than you! I'll work even harder!» With those words and a sly smile, Takeru left Oikawa astonished, almost making him burst out laughing at his nephew’s cockiness.

Oikawa had brought Takeru home with the idea of leaving before his sister Machi could see him, but every effort was in vain. She spotted him even before he could say goodbye to his nephew.

«Are you leaving already, Tooru?» She glanced at him with an amusement smile on her lips. Oikawa looked at her and sighed, knowing too well what Machi's words implied.  
«Why does it always end up like this?»  
«Oh, come on! You only have to watch after Takeru while I make dinner!»

Machi and Takeru's father had divorced amicably a few years after their child's birth. It had been a hard time for both of them, and for Takeru too, but at some point they had finally reached the agreement that it was pointless to stay together when neither one of them was feeling anything for the other anymore. Luckily, they never tried using Takeru to patch their relationship up, and afterward they had stayed on good terms, much to Oikawa's dismay.

To tell the truth, Oikawa had never liked his sister’s husband and had fully supported her decision when they split up. In his opinion, he was too arrogant and focused on his work and couldn't care – or didn't want to care – for his family like he was supposed to do. Iwaizumi had reprimanded him many times, saying that it was hypocritical of him to judge someone else for being egocentric, but Oikawa couldn't act like nothing was wrong when he felt that way towards his ex-brother-in-law.

Not that he'd ever purposely neglected his family, but... well, Oikawa had never thought he was good enough for his sister, that's all. She was such a spontaneous and cheerful person, while he had always been more composed and serious, maybe because of the age difference. The gap wasn't huge, but apparently it had been enough to create cracks in their relationship, eventually leading to their divorce.

«Do you want to stay for dinner?» Machi asked from the kitchen.  
«I can’t, you know that mom is already cooking for me at home,» Oikawa replied, sitting at the table with Takeru to help him with his homework.  
«Well, I can always call and tell her that I forced you to stay. It wouldn't be so far from the truth. Takeru wouldn't mind either, right?» Oikawa could feel the smile behind those words even without looking at her. Takeru nodded in confirmation, without breaking his focus.  
«Machi, don't use your son as an excuse. We both know that you can't live without me and that you adore spending time with your lovely little brother!»  
«You know what, my lovely, narcissistic, little brother? I changed my mind. You know where the door is.»

Oikawa's attempts to hide his amusement were in vain, because he burst out laughing when his sister turned to look at him with an annoyed pout. That was the reason why he had approved of Machi's divorce. Her ex-husband didn't deserve her at all.  
Not that Oikawa had any intention of telling her that. Machi would have never let him live it down.

He caved in the end, which earned him a scolding from their mother through the phone, left on speaker so that even Machi could listen. She even announced that she’d never cook dinner again for Tooru on Mondays, since he always ended up staying at his sister’s.

«Mom, this happened only today and last week. It’s not _every_ Monday!» Machi complained, trying not to laugh.  
«I'm pretty sure it will happen again next week, want to make a bet?»

Oikawa looked at his sister, waiting for her answer.

«Mh... No, thank you.»  
«Because you know I'm right!»  
«Okay, okay, if you say so.» They both knew that their mother was right.  
«She knows you’re right and she’s trying to escape this conversation!»  
«Oh, I know that, Tooru. I know her too well. Anyway, I need to go. Machi, I swear I'll come to your place next time you dare calling me again at this hour!»  
«Don’t worry mom, there won't be a next time!» Oikawa giggled.  
«I hate you, Tooru.» Machi shook her head in disbelief before hanging up, feeling betrayed by her own brother.

During dinner, Machi and Oikawa laughed thinking about that call. They played with Takeru while he was telling them about his workouts – _“_ _H_ _e's just like you, Tooru,”_ Machi observed at some point – and then they ended up discussing about Oikawa's future and the university he had chosen, about whether he wanted to continue playing volleyball or do something else. When Machi asked her brother what he was planning to do for his birthday, Oikawa told her that Iwaizumi was organizing a party at his own place with the entire volleyball team, since his parents wouldn't be home for the weekend. She was a bit disappointed, because she had planned to celebrate that day with the whole family, but she understood his desire to be with his friends.

However, that night, Machi couldn’t help but pray for Iwaizumi's parents and their house, hoping that it wouldn’t get too wrecked from the party.

In the end, that relaxing evening with his sister allowed Oikawa to keep his doubts and thoughts at bay for a few hours. At least until he returned home, lied down on the bed and had to face them again.

 _\- - - - - -_  

«A boy, hm?» Oikawa stopped the ball in front of him and frowned, then he squeezed it against his chest as he turned on his side.

His eyes wandered over the wall in front of him, as if it could give him the answers he was so desperately searching for, but the truth was that even thinking of a possible scenario embarrassed him to death.  
He knew how it felt like with girls since the same story had repeated itself every single time, and he was fully aware that it wasn't normal not to feel any kind of attraction towards his girlfriend. It was for those reasons that he had agreed to take into serious consideration what Iwaizumi had suggested. Not to mention that he had never thought about any girl in particular, not even during masturbation. He had always been focused only on pleasure, nothing more.  
He wondered if thinking of a guy... thinking about doing those things with him...

«No, no, no.» He turned in his bed, sinking his face into the pillow and squeezing it with both hands to choke his groans of frustration and embarrassment. He couldn't help but feel uneasy when images of sexual acts between him and a hypothetical boy popped into his mind.

«A kiss.»

He turned again, this time to lie down on his back, and picked up the ball to continue his light tosses. It was the only possible way to keep himself calm while thinking about that crazy situation.  
That's what he had to imagine. A stupid, simple, kiss. Nothing too spicy since he didn't even know if kissing a boy would disgust him or not, yet.

Kissing a girl? He had done it so many times, and in various situations, too. Quick public kisses during a date, slow kisses when they were being intimate, more passionate kisses when girls wanted to take the initiative, thinking they could push it further than that. Yeah, too bad they had never had the desired effect on him.  
Kissing a guy? It was hard to think about how different it would be. Would it be less sweet? Maybe. Maybe he would feel those hands on his body, fingers intertwining with his hair while the kiss turned into something more. He couldn't see such a thing happen with a girl, since, in his experience, they always tensed up and acted shy whenever things got heated. However, maybe it would have been different with a boy.

He hadn't realized that his mind was already making up a potential situation.

He imagined strong hands holding him, lips warm and smooth against his own, locking them in a kiss that they both wanted. He imagined the weight of that boy on his body, his warmth, green eyes watching him and studying him while Oikawa's fingers run through his black hair...

«NOPE!»

When he realized what he was imagining, it was too late. He froze, surprise, discomfort and dozens of other feelings rushing through him, but everything ceased when the ball fell, hitting him in the face and making him curse at the sudden pain.  
His eyes, wide in shock and shame, remained focused on the ceiling for a few seconds. He knew he was blushing because of that ridiculous, absolutely wrong thought.  
He swallowed and licked his lips, suddenly dry, then he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

«Okay, enough. Iwa-chan is driving me crazy. I need to take a shower and go straight to bed. Shower and bed, shower and bed!» he sang as he stood up on his feet.

He felt an odd queasiness growing inside him. He didn't know what it was, or how to explain it. He only knew that it was... weird. Different.

Pleasantly different.

 _\- - - - - -_  

After that night, Oikawa managed to put aside those doubts by keeping himself busy. In the mornings the team had volleyball practice, so it was easy to drown out his thoughts. In the afternoons, if the weather wasn't too hot, he’d always go running. The following Monday he attended Takeru’s training again, and this time he also helped coaching the team. His nephew was so proud of him that he continued to boast about his uncle all day long.  
Every now and then Iwaizumi joined him, but most of the time his friend hung up the phone on him without thinking twice.

“ _It's so hot that I could die. Don't you dare ask me to go out with you!”_

One time, Iwaizumi was even capable of slamming the door in Oikawa's face. Well, maybe he deserved it, considering that he showed up to Iwaizumi's house and asked him to go for a run when there were at least thirty degrees outside.  
Hanamaki and Matsukawa occasionally joined them too, mostly late in the evening because Hanamaki insisted that it was insane to set foot outside when the sun was still high in the sky.

Like that, July went by smoothly, up until the day of Oikawa's birthday party.

_\- - - - - -_

There was only one condition that Iwaizumi had immediately wanted to set:

_"If one of you breaks anything, I will personally hold the culprit locked in the fucking closet until my parents are back and then he’ll have to explain the situation to them. Have I made myself clear?"_

Poor Iwaizumi had really placed high hopes on his teammates.

 

Oikawa spent the afternoon with his best friend, cleaning his house and gathering their supplies of food, drinks and… yes, alcohol. Well, to be precise, Machi had to take care of the last part. They had to beg her for hours, telling her it was for her dear brother’s birthday party and that they would be careful and responsible – after all, they just wanted to have some good, harmless fun all together. And when else would they have the opportunity to do so, if not to celebrate certain occasions?

 _"If Mom finds out, I_ _w_ _on't take responsibilit_ _y,”_ Machi had said, folding her arms with a sigh as she gave the two a stern look.  
_"We're not going to destroy the city, it's just a party with the team! It's our last year of highschool, there won't be another opportunity! We'll have to study for the exams, then there’s the diploma, then the university-"_  
_"Okay, Tooru! I get it! But I’m warning you, you owe me a huge favor!"_

Oikawa had grinned, satisfied with his powers of persuasion, and Iwaizumi had tried to hide a victorious smile.  
Machi had studied them, evaluating the pros and cons of what she was about to do, until she’d given up, grabbed the car keys and got out, followed by the two – too happy for her liking – boys.

 

They hadn't bought too much stuff because they certainly had no intention of getting rotten drunk, but they hadn't been too cheap either. They had opted for some cases of beer to start easy, but with the leftover money they had ended up buying some strong liquor, just to keep the night alive. There was nothing planned, only pure and genuine fun.

A simple night with friends, nothing more.

A few hours had passed since the whole team had arrived and the night was proceeding smoothly, maybe even too much so. Matsukawa and Hanamaki were used to sleep over at Iwaizumi's – even if not as often as Oikawa – so they had made themselves comfortable soon after their arrival. The second years had followed suit, quite at ease since that wasn't the first time there. The only ones that looked a bit out of their element, almost intimidated, were Kindaichi and Kunimi. However, with the passing of time, they had managed to loosen up. They had even started drinking something, giving in to the pressure from the devilish duo that was always ready to drag anyone to hell: Matsukawa and Hanamaki.

For the moment, everything was going alright. No one had been going overboard with the drinking and everyone seemed to be having a good time. Iwaizumi, as the host and organizer of the party, couldn't be prouder, especially since Oikawa, the birthday boy, looked happy and satisfied.

Iwaizumi raised the bottle to his lips and sipped his beer, carefully watching the group of laughing friends from the armrest of the couch he was sitting on.  
Matsukawa and Hanamaki, already quite tipsy judging by how they were acting, were sitting beside him on the couch. They hadn't stopped pushing their younger teammates to drink even for a minute, insisting that it wouldn’t be fun if they didn’t. Yahaba, with a wide smile on his face, was sitting on the ground with his back against the couch, right next to Hanamaki's legs. Oikawa was sitting between his two friends and, by the way he was grinning, it was clear that he was silently encouraging them. Seriously, Iwaizumi couldn't believe how amazingly simple it was for those three idiots to have fun. Kindaichi, Watari and Kunimi, knowing too well how dangerous their senpais were, had sat on the carpet around the other side of the coffee table, as far from them as possible.

«Iwa-chan?» Hearing Oikawa call him, Iwaizumi turned to his friend, who was dangling an empty bottle in front of his face with a pout. «Get me another one?»

Iwaizumi wanted to tell him to get off the couch and take it himself, but he’d promised himself not to attack Oikawa, either physically or verbally, at least on the day of his birthday. For that reason he didn’t complain, stretching an arm behind the sofa to grab a fresh bottle from the dozen they had brought in the living room before the arrival of their friends, only to find the little table at his side empty.

«Mh.» Not too happy about the idea of getting up, Iwaizumi glanced at his half-empty bottle before passing it to Oikawa. «Finish this, I'll take the others later.»  
«Is that how you treat your guests?» Oikawa teased, before thanking him and sipping the beer.

Iwaizumi observed the slight blush on Oikawa's cheeks as he turned back to his friends with an amused smile. He was glad that Oikawa was having fun, especially since all the expenses had fallen on Iwaizumi – _”Well, Iwa-chan, people buy presents for a birthday! This will be_ _your gift to me_ _, okay? Plus, I don't have a yen_ _with_ _me, I left my wallet at home!”_ – but he also knew that Oikawa could become really, _really_ , annoying when he was tipsy.  
He shook his head and sighed before standing up to go get more beers from the kitchen.

Oikawa barely noticed when Iwaizumi left the living room, before the others reclaimed his attention.

«Say something to these kids! They don't want to drink!» Hanamaki ruffled Yahaba's hair, who immediately swattedhis hand away.  
«Hey, I _a_ _m_ drinking! Tell the others that!» The younger setter nodded towards the boys sitting across from him.  
«It's our captain's birthday and he wants everyone to enjoy themselves, right?» Matsukawa grinned and put his arm around Oikawa's shoulder, making their bottles clink against one another before bringing his own to the lips.  
«There is no need to drink in order to have fun, you know?»

Kunimi couldn't care less when almost everyone turned to look at him with bored expressions. Not that he hadn't drunk at all, he hadn't been able to escape it, since the third years had played the “senpai” card – _"Do it for Oikawa, your friend and captain! You're a major buzzkill if you refuse!"_ – but his bottle was still almost full and he had no apparent intention of finishing it.

«Come on, even Kindaichi has joined the dark side!» Matsukawa chuckled. Hanamaki turned towards him with a priceless look, but before he could comment, Oikawa anticipated him.  
«Star Wars, seriously? Please, Mattsun, keep drinking if alcohol frees your inner nerd!» At that point, no one was able to keep themselves from laughing.  
«Are you done pressuring people to make them drink?» Everyone's attention shifted from Kunimi to Iwaizumi, who in the meantime had returned with three bottles of beer in each hand.

He was greeted by a general chorus of ‘thank you’s as he put the bottles down on the coffee table, but before he could sit back, Hanamaki caught his attention.

«Iwaizumi, why don't you bring in the rest of the stuff?»  
«Why should I trust someone in your condition? You're already tipsy with just some beers.»  
«We want to play a game!» Iwaizumi looked at the hopeful expression on Matsukawa's smiling face, that statement drawing everyone's eyes on him.

Iwaizumi lifted his eyebrows and studied him, waiting for a better explanation. Oikawa and Yahaba did the same, the latter raising his head towards Matsukawa with a puzzled look. It was when Hanamaki grinned that the team understood: the two had something planned from the beginning.

«What game?» Watari asked, crossing his arms on the table.  
«A fun game,» was the only answer Matsukawa gave him, but when Iwaizumi shot him a skeptical look, he started to explain himself better. «It's called _Never have I_ _ever_ , okay? Have you ever heard of it? Every one of us, in turn, has to say something they never did. If the others have done it, they have to drink. Easy, right?»  
«You can say whatever you want, that's why it's hilarious!» Hanamaki added, expectantly looking at his friends. «Come on, we'll have fun!»  
«That's only a stupid excuse! You just want to see everyone drink!» Iwaizumi sharpened his eyes on them, but before anyone else could object, Oikawa laughed.  
«Why not? I'm in!»  
«Are you already drunk?» Iwaizumi asked in disbelief.  
«Come on, Iwa-chan! It will be fun! It's my birthday, I just want to enjoy this time with all of you... so I've decided that everyone will participate!» He sounded seriously intrigued, perhaps because he'd always had a soft spot for that kind of games.

Oikawa didn't notice the grin that had appeared on Hanamaki and Matsukawa's lips, but Iwaizumi did. He shook his head and sighed. How could he be so naive?  
Yahaba looked as excited as Oikawa, and even Kindaichi seemed to silently look forward to the game. Watari, on the contrary, looked perplexed, as much as Kunimi looked bored at the idea of playing. However, they knew no one could go against Oikawa's wish. It was his birthday party, so if he wanted to play, they couldn't say otherwise.

With that unilateral decision – taken by Oikawa – Iwaizumi left the room to go grab the bottles of strong liquor from the kitchen.

 _\- - - - - -_  

«So, did you understand the rules?» Matsukawa asked, looking at all the boys sitting around the table, which was already covered with a dozen shot glasses filled to the brim. «One of us will confess a truth starting with "Never have I ever" and those who have done what the other said, will have to drink. I'm going to add a penalty, saying that anyone who takes too much to think about the answer will have to drink twice, so try to be honest!»

When everyone nodded, Matsukawa turned towards Oikawa.

«Well, I'd say our captain and birthday boy should have the first turn, right?»  
«Okay, let me think...» Oikawa twirled the glass in his hand a couple times while staring at it. Then a grin suddenly appeared on his lips and he looked up at his teammates. «Never have I ever gotten drunk out of my mind.»

Oikawa wasn't surprised at all to see Hanamaki and Matsukawa take their glasses and empty them in one gulp. Actually, nobody was. At that point, they all knew them well enough to imagine that those two had done some crazy things. It was just as predictable as seeing that the younger boys hadn't touched their drinks.

 _They are too good_ _and naive_ _, they could never have done such a thing._ Oikawa smiled at his own thought, genuinely happy to have them as teammates.

Iwaizumi watched Hanamaki wince at the sudden burn in his throat and gave the two a suspicious frown when he saw Matsukawa place the empty glass on the table to refill it.

«If all you wanted was to drink just for the hell of it, you could have just said it, you know?» The comment made his teammates smile, while Oikawa laughed out loud.  
«If you two plan to go on like this, you'll be drunk in no time!»

Hanamaki and Matsukawa looked at each other and exchanged a high-five.

«At least we keep the party alive!»  
«Exactly!» Hanamaki rubbed his hands together with anticipation as he looked at the boys in front of him, one by one. «In this regard, I'll say: never have I ever felt sick after drinking alcohol!»

The two who ended up drinking the liquor without any second thoughts were Iwaizumi and Yahaba, who received curious glances from everyone, while Oikawa shot Iwaizumi a perplexed look.

«When the hell did that happen!? I didn't know!»  
«Two years ago, on New Year's Eve. My uncle thought it would be fun to prank me and he swapped my glass of water with one full of vodka while I wasn't looking. According to him, I should have realized it as soon as I smelled the vodka, but I was arguing with my mother and I didn't notice. The only thing I clearly remember is the burning feeling in my throat and the run I made for the bathroom to throw up while everyone was laughing at me.» He grimaced at the memory.  
«A whole glass? In one go?» Watari asked incredulously. When Iwaizumi nodded, he took a deep breath. «I would have passed out.»  
«Yeah, I would have felt sick until the next day,» agreed Kindaichi.

Oikawa was so tipsy that he couldn't restrain himself from laughing in the other's face. The irritation in Iwaizumi's eyes was evident, but all he did was heave a patient sigh.

«I wish I could have seen that, I swear!»  
«Next time you see my mother, ask her to tell you what happened so you'll have someone to laugh with. According to her, it's one of her best memories from the past few years.»

The image of a teenage Iwaizumi running to the bathroom after drinking vodka had to be historic. He was always so composed and ready to prove his maturity – like when he was reprimanding Matsukawa and Hanamaki for trying to push the others to drink – and yet he had been caught off guard by a stupid joke from his uncle.  
Oikawa couldn't even remember the man, having met him only once by chance, but nevertheless, he sure had much more respect for Iwaizumi's uncle after that anecdote.

«Okay, this story is hilarious and we all expect Oikawa to ask Iwaizumi's mother for all the embarrassing details.» Matsukawa earned himself an angry stare from Iwaizumi for that comment, but he just smiled at him and kept talking. «Now it's my turn.»

He leaned with his back against the couch and took his chin between thumb and forefinger with a serious expression, thinking about the right thing to say. He frowned and looked up at the ceiling, then brought his eyes back to the boys when he noticed they were waiting in anticipation.

«For now, have this.» He crossed his legs and rested his arms on them, joining hands in his lap as a smile spread across his lips. «Never have I ever been caught red-handed while I was with someone. And don't give me those innocent looks, you little perverts. You all know what I mean. Come on, even something minimal counts.»

Amongst the general astonishment, the first one to gulp down his liquor was Iwaizumi again. Whistles of appreciation and laughs accompanied Oikawa's indignant grumble, and he almost jumped at Iwaizumi’s throat as soon as he had finished his shot.

«When was that!? Why don't you tell what happens to you!?»  
«I must say I agree with Oikawa. I'm quite surprised,» Hanamaki murmured with a smug smile.  
«Pleasantly surprised,» Matsukawa added, staring at Iwaizumi like everyone else was doing.

It was as if no one had expected such a thing, at least not from their vice captain. Kindaichi looked bewildered, Watari was speechless. The only one who continued to seem uninterested in the apparently shocking revelation was Kunimi, but truth was that his eyes were fixed on the senpai just as much as the others. Iwaizumi noticed the silence that filled the room, but rather than giving them details, he preferred to take the bottle from the table to fill the six glasses that had already been emptied.

«Come on, Iwa-chan, I'll tell you my story if you tell me yours!»  
«Something tells me that Iwaizumi-san already knows yours, whatever it is...»

Iwaizumi looked at Yahaba and nodded slowly, confirming his guess, then his focus shifted again when he felt Oikawa tug his sleeve.

«Iwa-chan, you traitor! I tell you everything and this is how you repay me!»  
«Are we playing "drink if you did something" or "drink if you did something so that Oikawa Tooru can torment you"?»

Iwaizumi tried to shake him off, but Oikawa tightened his grip even more. The boy's lips pursed in a sad pout, but Iwaizumi didn't take pity on Oikawa, ignoring his attempt to make him feel bad about the situation. Unfortunately for the other, those tricks didn't work at all with the vice captain.  
He was about to decide that it was better for everyone to let his friend wallow in his ignorance, when he turned and saw all eyes fixed on him.

«What? Are you serious?» Apparently Oikawa wasn't the only curious one among them.

Iwaizumi would have gone over the question if Hanamaki and Matsukawa had been the only ones who had wanted to know the back story, but the fact that even the boys of the first and second year seemed to be interested made him feel somewhat uncomfortable.

«The night is still young, Iwaizumi,» Hanamaki whispered, as if to remind him that it wasn't a good idea to face the game with a shy attitude.

Iwaizumi watched how Oikawa was still clinging to his shirt with no intention of letting go, then sighed when he realized that there was no way out of it.  
Oikawa must have sensed his change of heart, because he finally released the grip on Iwaizumi to return to his place, waiting.

«I was with a girl after volleyball trainings, in the backyard of the school behind the main building. A teacher saw us, okay? We were kissing, nothing more. Matsukawa said even something minimal counted, so I drank. End of the story.»

There was a moment of silence, then Matsukawa murmured something to Hanamaki before asking to Iwaizumi.

«Only kissing?»  
«Only kissing.»

Matsukawa stared at him and Iwaizumi didn't divert his eyes from his friend, but the silence between them soon became unbearable, so Iwaizumi took a deep breath before speaking again.

«Maybe my hands were a bit too low on her hips and her hands a bit too much under my shirt. Now stop with this crap, I don't want to hear any comment, especially from y-»  
«IWA-CHAN, I FEEL BETRAYED!» Oikawa cried out before Iwaizumi could finish his warning.

The entire team burst out laughing at Oikawa's reaction, Iwaizumi's obvious embarrassment making it worse. He put an elbow on the table to rest his chin on the palm of his hand, trying to avoid the gaze of everyone around the table.  
Matsukawa and Hanamaki were still laughing, commenting their vice captain's boldness. Watari, Kindaichi and Yahaba exchanged whispers among themselves, their attention still focused on Iwaizumi, and even Kunimi sported an amused smirk.

«Why don't you ever tell me anything!?» Oikawa huffed, acting offended and folding his arms.  
«The right question is: why the fuck should I tell you about something like that!?»  
«Because you have to! I always tell you everything, so it's only fair!»  
«I don't owe you anything, Shittykawa! Stop saying that I need to tell you my business just because you're unable to keep your mouth shut!»

Iwaizumi and Oikawa stared at each other for a long moment, until Hanamaki brought everyone's attention back on the game. It was fun to see his two friends argue like that, but he had different plans in mind for that night.

«Is it my turn?» The boys turned towards Watari.  
«Come on, Watari, these kids need some drinks!» Hanamaki grinned, glancing at Kindaichi and Kunimi, who were sitting across from him.

Watari followed his gaze and looked at his teammates. He shifted his focus on his senpais only to notice the sadistic smile on their faces, then frowned as he thought about what to say.

«Let's see... never have I ever stolen anything. And like Matsukawa-san said before, even something minimal counts.»

Iwaizumi and Oikawa grabbed the glasses in front of them and drank the content at the same time. They remembered too well when, as kids, they used to design the worst kind of plans to steal something that had caught their interest – and seriously, _the worst kind_ was an euphemism, given that most of them had failed miserably.  
Matsukawa and Hanamaki did the same a few seconds later and so did Kindaichi, who grimaced and shivered visibly when the alcohol went down his throat. As for Yahaba, he took too long to decide what to do, at least according to Matsukawa, so he had to drink a second shot. His cheeks had already started to redden, but he sighed and didn't complain about the penalty.

The only one who didn't drink, was Kunimi.

«Come on, seriously!? It's impossible!» Hanamaki seemed incredulous.  
«I've never stolen anything, I swear.»  
«Nothing?» Even Kindaichi watched Watari with suspicion.  
«Nothing at all.»  
«Do you want to know what I have stolen?» The grin on Oikawa's face was sly. He straightened his back, proudly lifting his chin up while looking at his best friend. «Iwa-chan's spotlight, because he's always forced to live in my shadow!»

Iwaizumi slowly turned to Oikawa and raised his eyebrows in astonishment, as if he couldn't believe the stupidity of that statement. He put the glass down on the table and stretched his arms, then put a hand on Oikawa's shoulder with a deadpan expression that sent shivers down the other's spine.

«I-Iwa-chan... I was...»  
«Do you know what I could steal right now?» he asked, forcing a smile.  
«I was... joking...»

Oikawa instinctively raised his hands to protect himself, but he was too slow. Iwaizumi grabbed him by the neck and pulled him closer, tightening the grip until Oikawa started to flail for the lack of air.

«Your life, that's what I'm going to steal!»  
«I ask for forgiveness!! Mercy!! Time Out!!»

Iwaizumi released him and sighed in annoyance, then crossed his arms on the table, throwing murderous glances at Oikawa while the other rubbed his neck. Irritation was still clearly visible on Iwaizumi's face, already flushed because of the three consecutive shots of alcohol he had had to take before.  
Kunimi barely restrained himself, and even Watari laughed out loud in front of the scene, before his attention was reclaimed by the teammate at his side.

«Not even something from your parents? We all did it!» Kindaichi insisted, before remembering who else hadn't drunk and adding, «Well, most of us.»  
«No, not really. It never crossed my mind.»  
«You're so diligent,» Matsukawa chuckled, reaching out to offer the libero a high-five. «Great question, Watari. After all, the fun in this game is to say stupid stuff to make everyone drink!»

Watari smiled slightly and, although hesitant at first, returned the high-five.

«I'm saying this again, if you wanted to drink so desperately, you just had to say it and I would have given you the bottles without having to play.»  
«Iwaizumi, you don't know how to have fun! If we hadn't played, we wouldn't have found out about your escapades with that gir- »  
«OKAY, fine, I get it. Yahaba? It's your turn.» Iwaizumi gave his friends a warning look – that, however, made them laugh even more.

Yahaba swallowed. There was a moment of silence in which everyone thought that the younger setter had definitely reached his limit with only three shots of alcohol, but in the end he finally spoke, even if in a low voice. He blushed, staring absently at the empty glasses on the table.

«Never have I ever... well, I've never had a girlfriend.»  
«I don't need glasses, you can give me the full bottle» said Oikawa with disarming seriousness.

Hanamaki, who had already started drinking, managed to stop himself from spitting everything out by bringing a hand to his mouth, but he eventually laughed loudly at those words. Then he started coughing and Matsukawa, after drinking his own shot, had to pat his back.  
Iwaizumi looked at Hanamaki with obvious concern, but then quickly downed his drink to avoid the penitence.

«WHEN!?» Kindaichi – who, like Watari, hadn't drunk – drew all the attention to himself. Well, not really on himself, but rather on Kunimi and the empty glass in front of him.

Kindaichi was looking at his friend in shock, while everyone else had already silenced and was now waiting to hear the whole story.

«I've dated a girl in eighth grade. Do you remember the one who you said would never look at me, Kindaichi? Well, it was her. To tell the truth, I thought you already knew. However, she wasn't my type and after a couple of weeks we broke up.» He shrugged in a dismissive gesture.

Kindaichi frowned, trying to remember the girl in question, then his eyes widened and he turned back to his friend.

«She wasn't your type!? She was one of the prettiest girls in our class!»  
«Our Kunimi is a playboy!» whistled Matsukawa, followed by Oikawa.  
«Kindaichi, why don't you take some advice from him?»  
«Yeah, Kindaichi, apparently your best friend is a pro!»

Kunimi looked at Oikawa and Matsukawa, who were still making similar comments, then returned to look at Kindaichi and sighed.

«She wasn't friendly at all and she was too shy to ever talk about anything. I'm used to your constant chatter. Actually, if you think about it, it's your fault.»

Kindaichi almost seemed offended by that statement, but Iwaizumi grinned and interrupted that moment.

«Believe me, Kunimi, I understand you.»  
«Iwa-chan! Are you by any chance suggesting that it's my fault if you don't have a girlfriend? Don't blame me, it's your grumpy face's fault!» snapped Oikawa.  
«Do you want to see if your face becomes worse than mine!?» Iwaizumi was about to jump at Oikawa, but this time the other was faster and stepped back to hide behind Hanamaki, grinning now that he had a human shield to rely on.  
«Hey, why me!?» Hanamaki raised his hands in surrender, but laughed like the rest of the team.

Iwaizumi took a deep breath and looked away from Oikawa, shaking his head in disbelief. If that was just the beginning of the night, he was afraid of how it could have ended. He knew that his best friend wasn't drunk yet, but judging from the blush on his cheeks and from how he was laughing at everything... he was sure that the alcohol was kicking in. Not that Iwaizumi was feeling any better.

«Kindaichi?» Watari urged his friend, trying to keep the game going.  
«Oh, right, it's my turn. So... never have I ever had the courage to confess my feelings to a girl.»

For a few seconds no one did anything, too busy looking at the boy, almost surprised to hear him say such a thing. Then, Iwaizumi, Matsukawa, Hanamaki, Yahaba and even Watari drank. Kunimi glanced triumphantly at Kindaichi instead, without drinking. It was clearly related to the previous speech.

«Is it the same if I wasn't the one who confessed first?» asked Oikawa, but in doubt he drank.  
«Technically you had to drink only if-»

Matsukawa interjected before Iwaizumi could say anything else, telling Oikawa that it was okay. Apparently, seeing his friends drink was more important to him than the reason they did it for.

«Kindaichi said he has never had the _courage_ to confess! It's not like I've never had it. I've just never done it because girls always make the first move and confess their feelings to me.»

Many of his teammates glared at Oikawa, jealous of his popularity. When he became aware of the general mood that his words had brought he sighed, crossing his arms over his chest before pursing his lips in an offended pout. Then he looked at Kunimi, prompting him to continue, and the other started thinking.

«Never have I ever been dumped by a girl.»  
«I hate you, Kunimi,» muttered Oikawa before drinking again.  
«Luckily, I've never had these problems!» Yahaba laughed a bit louder than usual, leaning back with both hands propped against the floor to support his own weight and looking at the other boys.

At first, only Hanamaki followed Oikawa and downed his drink, but after a few seconds Iwaizumi joined him. Hanamaki was well aware of what was going to happen.

«3... 2... 1...»

As Hanamaki had expected, Oikawa turned to his friend with an annoyed look.

«Tell me why you don't tell me what happens in your life! I want to know, seriously! You owe me an explanation, I thought you were my best friend!»  
«First of all, the important things!» Matsukawa leaned forward and grabbed the bottle to refill Iwaizumi’s glass, giving him an amusement glance.

Yes, he knew that he had waited too long to drink and yes, he had expected Matsukawa to make him pay for that, as well as Oikawa's overreaction.  
Iwaizumi sighed and looked straight into Oikawa's eyes. He swirled the liquid in his glass for a bit, while all his attention – even if a bit fuzzy now, after drinking seven shots of alcohol and almost two bottles of beer – was focused on his best friend.

«Look, there's nothing to say about it, okay? I didn't remember if she broke up with me or if it was a mutual agreement, that's all.»  
«Yeah, sure, poor you- but why didn't you tell me!?»  
«How many times do I have to say that I'm not going to tell you this kind of personal stuff, you idiot!?»  
«So you admit that you have something to hide!»  
«What the hell are you talking about!?»  
«If you don't want to tell me, then you're hiding something!»  
«Are you seriously saying this? Look who's talking!»  
«I’m not hiding anything!»

Iwaizumi frowned at hearing that blatant lie. In other occasions he would have ignored it and he would have blamed alcohol, but in that moment he only felt a burning irritation. And if you added his growing headache to the equation, his patience could only drop drastically.

Oikawa said that he had nothing to hide. Well, good to know.

He took a deep breath and looked at the glass in his hand, then he gulped before downing it in one go. When he put it down on the table, he didn't give anyone time to speak.

«To hell with this bullshit and your insane jealousy. You asked for it, you liar. Never have I ever thought that I would have to admit in front of everyone that I'm not a fucking virgin. So yeah, I'm not a virgin, what about you?» With that affirmation, Iwaizumi looked up to meet Oikawa's eyes. Around them, Watari, Kindaichi, Kunimi and Yahaba drank their shots without complaining.

Oikawa froze. He never thought that his best friend would use that card against him, but he wasn't intentioned to back down and accepted the challenge. Normally, he would have tried to maintain the image everyone had of him, never admitting that he had problems with girls because he didn't want to talk about the things he had discussed with Iwaizumi.

But this wasn't a normal situation, not at all.

He grabbed his shot and drank it before slamming the glass on the table under everyone's astonished gaze.

«Now you have to explain why you always hide everything from me! I don't know who you are anymore, Iwa-chan! You're different from what I always thought!»

Silence fell in the room. Many of them found themselves unable to do anything but stare at Oikawa after his confession – Matsukawa and Hanamaki in particular had matching wicked smiles on their lips – while Iwaizumi's expression was full of anger. Everyone's attention was darting between them and no one dared interrupt.

«Explain to me one more time, why should I tell you everything that happens to me? And what the fuck do you mean with that "you're different" shit? Are you seriously complaining because I don't tell you whenever I have sex with a girl?!»

Apparently, Oikawa wasn't the only one to have been uninhibited by the alcohol. If that had been another day, during different circumstances, Iwaizumi would have felt embarrassed to talk about such topics in front of everyone, especially because he really cared about his privacy. He knew that it would have been better to just shut up and ignore everything, laugh about it and let it go, but Oikawa had been nagging him since the beginning of the game and it was starting to annoy Iwaizumi.

«We used to tell each other everything! Don't you trust me anymore!?» Oikawa looked really offended by Iwaizumi's behavior, but with his inarticulate gesturing and his high-pitched tone of voice, the scene looked almost comical.

«What does my trust in you has to do with my relationships?»  
«It does! If you don't want to tell me about them, it means that you don't trust me enough!»  
«Do you ever listen to yourself when you talk!? You're not making any sense!»  
«Please, just get married already,» Hanamaki murmured distractedly.  
«Do you think they'll make us their best men?» Matsukawa asked a second later.

Oikawa and Iwaizumi turned towards their friends in unison, their cheeks red from both the tipsiness and the screaming.

«I could never marry this idiot!» They shouted simultaneously, causing a collective laugh among their teammates as the two shot angry glances at each other, before Oikawa grumbled and looked away from Iwaizumi with a pout.  
«Hey, Oikawa, don't you have something to tell us about your latest statement?» Hanamaki leaned on the table and looked at his captain, grinning to lighten up the situation.

Even Kunimi nodded and chimed in, «Oikawa-san, to tell you the truth, that came as a surprise to us. I mean, you're always surrounded by your fans and we all know you've dated many of them.»

«What can I say, I am at the same time blessed by my charm and cursed by it. No relationship has ever lasted long enough to give me the opportunity to seal the deal.» Oikawa shrugged.

He was trying to be as smooth as possible in giving them those excuses that only Iwaizumi knew were actually lies.

«If you call it a curse, you make it sound like it isn't your fault that you're an awful person with a hateful attitude,» Iwaizumi murmured without even looking at him.

Oikawa sharpened his gaze on him and snorted, then folded his arms on the table.

«When the time comes, it will happen. But this doesn't mean that I'm new to those kind of things.»  
«Please, no more speeches about your lost innocence.»  
«Iwa-chan, are you mad at me tonight!? It's my birthday, you should be kind, polite and respectful!»  
«I wanted to, but then we started playing and you thought it would be fun to drive me crazy with all your shitty talking!»  
«That's because you've hidden things and done everything behind my back!»  
«Oh, I'm so sorry, next time I’m with a girl I'll give you a call! Maybe she'll date both of us, so you'll be happy!»  
«I just want to know what goes on in my best friend's life! If you don't tell me this kind of stuff, we are like mere friends who play volleyball together, nothing more! Look, you can trust me! I thought you knew that already!»  
«I'll think about the wedding party, Matsukawa will take care of the invitations. Who wants to help?» Hanamaki asked. Kunimi immediately raised his hand and so did Watari and Yahaba, before the younger setter had to close his eyes and take a deep breath, bringing a hand to cover his mouth.

No one noticed the gesture except Kindaichi, who was sitting right next to him. Iwaizumi and Oikawa were still arguing, and Hanamaki and Matsukawa were enjoying the comical scene that the two were setting up for everyone. Even Watari and Kunimi were watching them with amusement, focused on their captain's jealous fit.  
At first Kindaichi said nothing, merely observing Yahaba as he took a second breath, but when he saw the setter shake and gag, he knew he had to get the others' attention.

«Uh, guys... I think we have a problem! Yahaba-san, are you okay?»

Iwaizumi turned around and released Oikawa from his grip.

«Yahaba?» Iwaizumi knew what was going to happen and his eyes widened. He immediately stood up to reach his teammate. «No, no, don't! Get up and hurry to the bathroom! Now! My mother will kill me if you throw up in here!»  
«Is everything okay?» asked Watari.

Yahaba nodded slowly. He swallowed and took a deep breath to calm himself down, then he swallowed a second time before thanking Kunimi for the glass of water he was giving him. He drank slowly and looked up to the others only when the glass was empty.

«False alarm, but... it's better if I stop here, or I don't know how it will end.»

None of them seemed convinced by his statement, Iwaizumi even less than the others. He stood behind him and studied him to understand if Yahaba was telling the truth or if he was just trying not to make the others worry, but when the setter caught his eye and smiled, Iwaizumi chose to believe his words.

«Okay, something tells me that it's better if we play another game.»  
«What made you think that, Matsukawa?» Hanamaki sighed. «Anyway, you're right. It's not like we want to see Yahaba die, after all.»

The only one who wasn't looking at Yahaba was Oikawa, too busy staring at Iwaizumi even as the other wasn't paying attention to him.

«We need something fun, but milder,» muttered Matsukawa.  
«I have an idea.»

This time, everyone turned towards Oikawa and his wicked grin.

«Who's up for some Truth or Dare?»

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first chapter of Oikawa's birthday party! It should has been just one ch, but then it became sooo long that... well, ops. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) Thank you for reading and for the kudos/bookmarks!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have this headcanon that Oikawa used to call Iwaizumi "Ha-chan" when they were little.

«Are you serious?» Hanamaki seemed surprised by Oikawa's sudden suggestion, yet he couldn't help but smirk at the idea.  
«Well, it's simple.» Oikawa leaned on the table and clasped his hands together, looking at every single guy sitting around him with an amused glint in his eyes. «You want to play something else, don't you? Plus, we know well that you like to stick your nose in other people's business and that you actually feel a weird, masochistic enjoyment when you make fools of yourselves. So, what's better than Truth or Dare?»

Matsukawa and Hanamaki glanced at each other, aware that what Oikawa had just said wasn't entirely far from the truth. Actually, they liked awkward situations a lot, but not because they were masochists or because they enjoyed making fool of themselves – like Oikawa said – rather because they loved how fun those situations were.

«What about you guys?» Oikawa looked at the others.

Yahaba, who under Iwaizumi's advice had gone to sit up on the armchair, shrugged and nodded. Kunimi didn't look so interested, but he wasn't against the idea either. Perhaps, the most doubtful ones were Kindaichi and Watari, but... what did they have to lose, when they had already admitted something as embarrassing as never having had a girlfriend and never having had the courage to confess their feelings to someone? They didn't believe that it could get any worse for them, so in the end the two nodded and agreed to participate.  
Iwaizumi was the only one who wasn't convinced at all. Sitting on the arm of the chair where Yahaba was, he snorted and leaned forward to rest his arms on his legs. He was focused on Oikawa, who was holding his gaze in silence and with a challenging expression.

«Tell me why I should agree to do something crazy like playing Truth or Dare with the three of you.» He studied his fellow third years. «Let's face it, I'm not an idiot and I'm pretty sure that you've already thought about some weird obligations.»  
«Then we only need to choose truth, right?» Watari said innocently, looking at the others in search of support. Oikawa and Hanamaki nodded with maybe too much enthusiasm.  
«Yeah, Iwaizumi, just choose truth.»  
«Yeah, Iwa-chan, why don't you choose truth if you're afraid of obligations?»

Matsukawa, who had already understood Oikawa and Hanamaki's childish strategy, grinned and shifted his gaze on Iwaizumi, observing his reactions to those provocations.

«What if Iwa-chan has something to hide?» The captain asked to Hanamaki.  
«Oh, do you think that too?» He answered promptly, putting on his best fake-thoughtful frown. «Then maybe it's better if we play something else, I wouldn't want to embarrass Iwaizumi for something that he doesn't want to confess... »

Iwaizumi knew that they were trying to provoke him. He also knew that it was stupid to take the bait, but hearing the others teasing him like that was starting to annoy him, especially if they implied that he didn't have the courage to face a game like Truth or Dare. A part of him – the rational part – told him to behave like a mature person. The other part of his brain, already intoxicated, was pushing him to demonstrate that his friends were wrong, that he had nothing to hide and wasn't afraid of any obligations they had in mind.

«Okay, let's do this.»

Matsukawa and Hanamaki gave each other a high-five. Yahaba sighed, while Kindaichi and the rest of the guys seemed excited. Oikawa grinned towards Iwaizumi, but before the other could say anything, he had already turned to his teammates with his usual innocent smile.

\- - - - - 

«So, Oikawa.» With his legs crossed on the couch, Hanamaki looked at the captain next to him and smiled slyly. Matsukawa, sitting at Oikawa's other side, didn't miss how his friend appeared so intrigued by the game, even though it hadn't even started yet. «Let's follow the previous rules, after all it's just fair that you get the first turn.»  
«Eager to get started, Makki?»

A spark gleamed in Hanamaki's eyes and it certainly didn't go unnoticed to Oikawa.  
Oikawa leaned back on the couch and pulled his legs closer to his chest. He pursed his lips briefly in concentration, then turned to the other.

«Well, since you can't wait, truth or dare?»  
«Truth, I have nothing to hide,» said Hanamaki, earning mocking laughs from their friends.

Oikawa grinned.

«Then you won't mind confessing the name of your current crush to your teammates, right?»  
«Ah, you're so childish, Oikawa! I thought you could do better than this!»  
«The night is young and it's just begun, Makki! Come on, who is she?»

Hanamaki shook his head in disbelief, but shrugged.

«Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't have a crush at the moment... although I must admit that there is this girl in class 2 who's not so bad. I never had a chance to speak to her though, since every time I try to approach her, her friends surround her like a protection squad. I couldn't say anything more than _Hi, I'm Hanamaki Takahiro from class 3_. It's always like this, I get close to her and then, with some kind of excuse, she runs away in a hurry.»  
Matsukawa snorted. «If I think about your face the first time that happened, I still feel the urgent need to laugh at you.»  
«It's not funny, you know that?»

Matsukawa remembered it very well, because he was with him when the so-called protection squad had appeared. Hanamaki had been so taken aback that he didn't even manage to utter a word. He had watched the group of students drag the girl away without having the time to say or do anything.

«Wait, are you talking about the girl with the auburn hair in a bob cut?» Kindaichi asked. «Freckles, not so tall...»  
Hanamaki raised his thumb in confirmation. «You have a good eye, huh? Yes, that's her!»  
«She came to watch one of our training matches, if I remember correctly. But... I think she was with the group that was cheering for Oikawa-San.»  
«Oh, are you talking about Kaname?»

Everyone turned towards Iwaizumi, eyes wide in surprise. The boy straightened his back when he realized that everyone's attention had shifted on him.

«What? She's friends with one of my classmates. Why are you staring at me like that? What did I say wrong this time?»  
«Nothing, it's just...» Kindaichi couldn't find the right words, so Kunimi spoke for him.  
«Iwaizumi-san, in only a few hours you have overturned the idea we all had of you.»  
«Who could have imagined you were so popular with girls?» added Watari.  
«For your information, the fact that one of my classmates has a friend from another class is not what I'd call “being popular with girls”,» Iwaizumi retorted defensively. «And you know what, it's this idiot's fault if I'm not popular, he draws more attention on himself than he should.» He sighed and turned towards Oikawa with a small smile, but the captain didn't reciprocate.

Iwaizumi noticed how Oikawa was looking at him, still with that pout that meant only one thing: he was still angry about what had happened before.  
In fact, when he spoke there was a certain harshness in his voice.

«See? Even our friends think that you don't stand a chance with girls! I told you, Iwa-chan! It's not just my impression!»  
«They also thought that you were a womanizer, and instead you're a virgin.» Iwaizumi kept the usual sneer on his lips despite Oikawa's tone.

Everyone in the room was starting to realize that the situation between the two of them was becoming tricky. They had probably underestimated Oikawa's grudge against Iwaizumi because of the “secrets” that he had kept from him.  
It was a simple matter of trust. Oikawa knew it was silly, but he felt almost hurt and he just couldn't act like nothing had happened. In his mind, it was as if Iwaizumi hadn't deemed Oikawa important enough to tell him about those aspects of his life.  
The captain sharpened his gaze on his best friend and leaned back, crossing his arms before letting out a bored huff.

«That doesn't change the fact that I'm terribly offended by your despicable behavior! In fact, you know what? You deserve to be the next victim! Makki, this is my day and I demand that you choose him for your turn!»  
«What are you, twelve? Calm down, birthday boy.» Hanamaki barely refrained from laughing, but still turned to Iwaizumi with a shrug; he didn’t have much of a choice, if he wanted to avoid hearing more of Oikawa's complaints.

Iwaizumi muttered a soft “ _I swear that you'll need to step over my dead body before you'll have the chance to drink again”_ , before choosing truth.  
Hanamaki clicked his tongue and leaned forward, staring at Iwaizumi as if he was studying him to find any weaknesses.

«I've come up with something that I saw this morning on a blog.»  
«It's nothing nice, then.»

Matsukawa giggled at Iwaizumi's fast comment.

«Choose who to fuck, marry and kill among me, Oikawa and Matsukawa.»

Even if everyone had tried to remain quiet, in that moment they couldn't stop their laugher. The shocked expression on Iwaizumi's face only aggravated the situation, which degenerated when Oikawa glared at his best friend with a disarming seriousness.

«I hope you want to marry me, Iwa-chan!»

Whistles of appreciation and comments on their future marriage resounded in the room, but Iwaizumi ignored them all. He crossed his arms on his chest and stared down at the table to avoid meeting anyone's eyes. He had to think carefully about his possibilities, because he knew that he couldn't stand any more of Oikawa's complaints.

«Isn't it a bit cruel for a first question?» Watari's objection was silenced by Matsukawa, who was enjoying observing Iwaizumi's mental process with Hanamaki. Only Oikawa continued to maintain a certain seriousness, as if everything depended on what Iwaizumi was going to say.

Iwaizumi pursed his lips and nodded to himself before looking up again.

«I'd marry Hanamaki, fuck Matsukawa and instantly kill Oikawa to stop him from complaining about the reasons of my choices.»  
«I almost feel honored.» Matsukawa commented, but his deep voice was quickly surmounted by Oikawa's irritated one.  
«Hello!? Earth to Iwa-chan! I'm alive, you can't kill me, so you have to answer me! Why do you keep excluding me from your life like this!?» he whimpered.

Hanamaki elbowed his side slightly. «Are you jealous because I stole your husband?»  
«Are you jealous because I get to bang your husband?» added Matsukawa, nudging him as well.  
«I have to deal with you every single fucking day, don't you think it's enough?! Do you want to damn my wedding day and my life after it too?!»

Everyone laughed at Iwaizumi's outburst, because let's face it, how could you blame him? They were always together, wherever they went!

Oikawa was really irritated, looking away from the other with an expression that clearly said “ _I hate you and I'll make you regret your choices until I'll be satisfied enough”_. Iwaizumi knew that expression too well, but he had no intention of going along with it that night. That was why he ignored him, even when Oikawa seemed to get angrier at the lack of attention, and even more when Hanamaki and Matsukawa mocked the murderous glances he was shooting in Iwaizumi's direction. Not that Iwaizumi noticed them, he was too busy scanning the room to search for his potential victim.  
Kunimi still had his eyes fixed on his friends, especially on Oikawa. Occasionally he raised his gaze and sighed, probably wondering what he did wrong to deserve that team of lunatics. On the other hand, Watari, Kindaichi and Yahaba were looking at Iwaizumi almost with trepidation, until he finally made his choice.

«Kindaichi, truth or dare?»  
«Truth.»  
«What's the most embarrassing thing you've been caught doing?»

Hearing the question, Hanamaki and Matsukawa stopped tormenting Oikawa to put all their attention on poor Kindaichi. He was thinking of an answer, a look of unease on his concentrated frown.

«Mh... nothing comes to mind right now.»  
«Kindaichi... what about after our last match in middle school?»

Everyone's gazes shifted on Kunimi as he spoke, but then went back to Kindaichi when his eyes widened. He blushed and covered his face with a hand to hide the embarrassment, but around him the others' curiosity was already skyrocketing.

«Right... that.»  
«What happened after that match?» asked Watari.  
«I was frustrated because of our defeat and for what happened with Kageyama. I started crying out to vent my anger as soon as I got home, but I hadn't noticed my parents were in the kitchen and they saw the whole scene... how could I forget? They made fun of me for an entire week.»

For a few seconds no one spoke, too committed imagining the scene just described by Kindaichi.  
However, hearing Kageyama's name, Oikawa immediately felt obliged to intervene.

«You have my full support, Kindaichi! Parents can't understand the frustration you feel in those moments, even my mother mocked me for it!»

Iwaizumi frowned.

«Don't blame Auntie! You annoyed her so much with your rants about Kageyama that she had to start calling me every time she heard you say his name!»  
«Shut up, Iwa-chan! You have no say in the matter, you've always been on Tobio-chan's side! Do you remember how he always tried to distract me from training? He did it on purpose!»  
«You know you were the one at fault, right?» Iwaizumi couldn't believe his ears.  
«Indeed, Kageyama was really unbearable,» murmured Kunimi, earning a proud look from Oikawa.  
«And he still is, nothing has changed!»  
«Are you talking about Karasuno’s setter? The one with the grim look? The one that makes Oikawa act even more like a whiny child?» Matsukawa and Hanamaki gave each other another high-five, and Oikawa furiously glared them.  
«I hate him and his damn innate talent! Who does he think he is?»  
«You talk about Kageyama a lot for someone who claims to hate him, huh?»

Everyone turned towards Iwaizumi, who, meanwhile, had leaned back on the armchair from which Yahaba was staring confusedly at him. Had their vice captain gone mad? How could he think that fueling the fire that always blazed in Oikawa whenever Kageyama was mentioned was a good idea?  
They turned towards Oikawa then, waiting for some sort of reaction – Matsukawa and Hanamaki expecting to see him explode.  
Oikawa took a deep breath, holding back from yelling at his best friend. He leaned forward, glaring at Iwaizumi. By now it was clear to everyone that the two were in a sort of competition to see who was the most pissed off. They were both almost drunk, riled up and full of senseless pride, their filters gone and forgotten as they kept going at each other.

«You've always liked Kageyama, haven't you?» Oikawa accused the other. «Always defending him, always taking his side! You've never taken _my_ side, not even once, it was always my fault! You know, I should have-» he didn't get to finish the sentence, as Hanamaki grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him close, putting a hand on his mouth to prevent him from saying more stupid things that he could have regretted later.

But anger had already started burning in Iwaizumi's eyes.  
Oikawa tried to break free, grabbing Hanamaki's arm to yank his hand away, but failed.

«Can we go on?» asked Hanamaki, giving Iwaizumi a pleading look, while the other evaluated if it was worth it to suck it up for the umpteenth time or not. He started placating himself only when he received a second admonitory look, this time from Matsukawa.

Yes, it was better to change the subject. It made no sense to be so angry with Oikawa, especially during a night when the only thing they wanted to do was celebrate their friend's birthday and have fun. Iwaizumi didn't want to make a scene in front of everyone just because Oikawa was too drunk to realize that he was spewing nonsense.  
Kindaichi noticed the sudden change of mood, quickly deciding to move the game along.

«Kunimi?»  
«Truth.»  
«Let's see... if you had to be stuck in an elevator with one of us, who would you want with you?»

Kunimi scanned all the boys one by one, weighing the pros and cons of each possible partner, until he made his decision.

«Honestly? I would prefer to stay alone.» Before someone could reply, he added, «Maybe I'd choose Watari-san. I think he's the only one who wouldn't panic or underestimate the gravity of the situation.» He stared at Matsukawa and Hanamaki as he said that.  
«Well… thank you?» Not even Watari seemed sure about what to say.

Kindaichi and Yahaba looked almost offended, but Hanamaki and Matsukawa were surely the most annoyed ones.

« _Underestimate the situation_? Us? What are you insinuating?»  
«Yeah, who do you think we are?»  
«It's just an elevator, you know? It's not the end of the world!»  
«Why should we panic when we know someone will open the door sooner or later?»  
«Or it might just start working again on its own, there's nothing to be afraid of.»

Iwaizumi burst out laughing. He tried to hold himself back and he even apologized for his sudden hilarity, but his friends' expressions were too funny to resist.

«Do you two realize that what you just said is exactly the reason why Kunimi wouldn't want you to be stuck with him? You two would drive anyone crazy! I can't imagine being stuck with you in a confined space, having to hear your stupid jokes for who knows how long. Really, I hope it will never happen!»

Hanamaki and Matsukawa looked at each other and grinned. Iwaizumi was right, that was surely a thing they would have done in a situation like that, telling dumb jokes to relieve the tension and kill some time while waiting for someone to come to their rescue.  
They were about to agree with Iwaizumi, when a mumble at their side drew their attention.  
Oikawa folded his arms on his chest, staring at Kunimi with an offended pout.

«I wouldn't underestimate the situation, and I wouldn't panic either. Do I look like someone who would do such a thing?»

Iwaizumi and Kindaichi laughed, while Yahaba spoke for everyone.

«Oikawa-san, to tell the truth, you do seem like that type of guy.»  
«I've never panicked during a match, why would I do it because of an elevator!?»

There was nothing but a smirk on Hanamaki and Matsukawa's lips.

\- - - - -

Iwaizumi still remembered the day when his parents told him that they were going to Tokyo to spend a weekend with Oikawa and his family. The kids had just turned seven and their families had started getting close since the two kids had become friends. At that time, it was common for them to often spend time all together.  
It was a cold winter and Iwaizumi had been sick for an entire week. Oikawa had tormented him every single day, visiting him to monitor his conditions.

«Ha-chan, why are you sick? Do you hate me so much that you don't want to come with me to Tokyo?» Oikawa had asked him, kneeling next to him on his bed. He was looking down at his best friend with his usual pout – a feature that, over time, hadn't changed at all.  
«Do you think I wanted to catch this cold?» Iwaizumi had answered from under the covers, his vision blurred from the fever and exhaustion. «And why do you come here every day? You're going to get sick too! Stay away from me, Tooru!»  
«Only idiots like you get sick, Ha-chan!» In saying this, he had climbed off the bed to bring the electric heater closer to his friend, then he had put his hands on his hips before puffing in satisfaction. «You have to get better within the next week, or I'll be really angry if you don't come with me to Tokyo! Plus, I won't leave you alone, friends don't do that! And since you're my best friend, you're forced to get better so you can be with me forever! I won't go without my Ha-chan!»  
«I'm not _yours_!» Iwaizumi had complained, hiding a small smile under the covers, just before sleep took him again.

\- - - - - 

«Ha-chan, are you sure they won't get angry?»  
«Why should they? It's not like we're running away! I have no intention of staying in this room, waiting for mom and dad to come back! I'm bored!»

 

Their families had come back to their hotel rooms after having dinner together at a restaurant nearby, when their fathers had suggested they go grab a drink at the bar in the hall. Oikawa's mother wasn't very keen on leaving the kids and had offered to stay with them, but Iwaizumi and Oikawa had protested, saying that they were old enough to be alone without supervision. Going against Iwaizumi's mother's protest, in the end the kids had managed to convince them that they didn't need an adult to babysit them.

«Be careful then, we have the keys. Don't open the door to anyone and don't make too much noise, or people will complain. We are just down in the hall, if you need anything. Hajime, dad's phone is on the nightstand. Understood?»

Iwaizumi had nodded absently, while Oikawa had done it with more conviction. It had always been like that when their parents entrusted them with something – they were always ready to demonstrate how mature they could act and how they were able to do things right.

«Are you sure you'll be fine? I can always-»  
«Yes, mom!» Tooru had interrupted his mother, putting his hands on his little hips with a smile. «We'll stay here watching TV, what could happen? It's not like we'll be abducted by aliens... even though that would be nice.»

 

«Ha-chan, we told our parents that we would stay in the room...» Oikawa sighed after closing the door behind him, tightening the grip on the back of Iwaizumi's t-shirt as they started walking down the hallway.  
«I just want to explore our surroundings, we can watch TV every other day! What, did you want your mom to stay with us?»

Oikawa had sharpened his gaze on his best friend with a huff, hastening his pace to surpass him. He would have never given Iwaizumi an excuse to tease him, ever.  
He had looked around for a while, scanning the hallway until the elevator doors had opened in front of them. As soon as he'd stepped inside, Iwaizumi had pressed the button for the top floor.

«Why the roof!? Didn't you want to explore the hotel?»  
«We'll start from the top and then make our way down the stairs.»  
«No, I don't like it!» Oikawa had approached the panel to press the ground floor button, but Iwaizumi had pushed him away.  
«Come on, don't be a spoilsport! It will be more fun this way!»  
«No, I want to go downstairs!»

They had fought for a few minutes, pressing random buttons as the elevator went up.  
Young as they were, they had gotten too worked up and Iwaizumi had shoved Oikawa, making him hit the STOP button on the panel and causing the elevator to halt before reaching the top floor.  
They had both been startled by the sudden stop, but unlike Oikawa, Iwaizumi hadn't panicked.

«Ha-chan ...? Why did the elevator stop?» Oikawa had whined.  
«Because you have accidentally pressed the STOP button.»  
«It's your fault for pushing me against it, don't blame me!»

Iwaizumi, after giving another look around, had given up and had taken a seat on the ground.

_After ten years, Iwaizumi could still say that Oikawa's expression in that moment was one of the most terrified he had ever seen on him._

«Ha-chan, I want to get out!» He had clenched fists at his sides.  
«Someone will come help us when they realize that the elevator isn't working.»  
«But...»  
«We can't do anything about it.»  
«Ha-chan...»  
«We have to wait.»  
«...Ha-chan!»  
«What!?» When Iwaizumi had turned towards him, he had seen Oikawa's wet eyes. From the blush on his face, it was obvious that he was holding back with all his strength to avoid bursting into tears.  
«It's your fault! If we'd stayed in the room this wouldn't have happened! I hate you, Ha-chan! I hate you so much!»  
«Are you afraid?» The question had come natural to Iwaizumi.

Oikawa had straightened his back, trying to put on a stoic expression, then he had gone to sit next to Iwaizumi.

«No, why should I? I was just saying that you're a dumbhead and that it's all your fault, my fear has nothing to do with it.»

Despite his words, he had squeezed Iwaizumi's t-shirt in his hand and he hadn't let go until the elevator had started moving again.

That evening of so many years ago, Iwaizumi had learned three things. First of all, he never, ever would have wanted to get stuck with Oikawa in a tight space again, because having to hear him blather non-stop for fifteen minutes to conceal his panic had already been enough. Secondly, he learned to never upset their parents, not when they are together and can join forces to find a way to punish them. Lastly, that pressing any button would have been enough to restart the elevator.

\- - - - - 

«I WAS JUST A CHILD!! Iwa-chan, why did you have to tell everyone about that!?»  
«You were busy with your fans and we were bored, so we ended up talking about stories from our past. It wasn't planned!»  
«Do you realize that it was all your fault? If you hadn't insisted about going to explore the hotel, we would have stayed in that room and nothing would have happened!»  
«Come on, are you still trying to blame me for the heart attack that you almost had?»

Iwaizumi could barely keep himself from laughing, while their teammates didn't even try to hide their amusement.

«Admit it, you cried at the end... right?» Matsukawa asked, provoking him.  
«No, I didn't cry! What did I do wrong to deserve this!?» Exasperated, Oikawa sank lower on the couch and folded his arms on his chest. He didn't seem angry, but rather annoyed by the whole situation.  
«Oikawa-san?» Kunimi called him into question before Iwaizumi or someone else could worsen their captain's mood with more teasing. «Don't worry, that story only served to confirm my previous answer. Truth or Dare?»

Oikawa's eyes widened, ready to argue against that remark, but he bit the bullet to avoid any further comment.

«Dare.»  
«Do any of you have a dice or something like that?»  
«Oh, that sounds interesting! What for?» Hanamaki asked, concealing his interest and curiosity behind an astonished look.  
«I just want it to be up to fate, so no one will have a reason to kill me.»

Oikawa didn't know why, but he had a bad feeling about it.  
Iwaizumi said that maybe he had one somewhere in the house, but Hanamaki stopped him before he got up, saying that he could use an app on his phone. That earned him a “ _You and all your unnecessary and stupid applications”_ from Matsukawa, but Hanamaki gave him a victorious smile.

«We need them now, don't we? They're not useless, then. Oh, here it is. Do I have to put in the number of how many we are?»  
«Everyone but me and Oikawa-san.» Kunimi replied. «Who gets chosen will have to hold him on his lap for the rest of the game. Or Oikawa-san will have to hold the other on his lap, if you prefer.»

Iwaizumi turned towards Oikawa, but he couldn't see if his friend was shaken from hearing what he had to do. Oikawa, in fact, just huffed a dazed smile and laughed softly.  
Strangely, Iwaizumi couldn't help but feel uneasy.

«Can I borrow your phone?» Hanamaki reached out toward Matsukawa.  
«Can I at least know why?» He asked in turn, but still gave it to him without a second thought.  
«Be patient, my friend. Be patient.» Hanamaki licked his lips as he began tinkering with Matsukawa's phone. «Indeed, if we do things at random it will be more fun. I'm writing down our names and a number for each of us on a memo here on this phone, so we'll have a handy list in case anyone wants to follow Kunimi's idea.»

To be honest, Kindaichi, Watari and Yahaba didn't seem convinced at all. They didn't like the idea of being randomly selected, but if they refused to participate, they would have been teased by their crazy senpais for who knows how long.

«For this turn I'm out, I did my part,» said Kunimi.  
«Okay, okay, let's see who will get to hold our captain!»  
«I extend my condolences to the poor victim.»  
«Iwa-chan, you're mean! I know that you secretly want to be the lucky one!»

Oikawa just barely dodged the Pepsi bottle that Iwaizumi threw at him, which ended up falling on the floor behind the sofa. Oikawa looked back at the empty bottle, then glanced at Iwaizumi with a victorious grin, while the other sighed and shook his head in exasperation.

«Iwaizumi-san, you know that you too could be the poor victim, right?»  
«Yahaba, don't even say that as a joke, especially with that smile full of expectations. I feel sick just thinking about it. »  
«Well, there's a chance!» Yahaba earned an icy look from the vice captain and decided it was better not to play with fire.  
«The so-called poor victim will be...» Hanamaki shifted his attention on each of his teammates, who were returning his gaze with fear or, like Iwaizumi, with terror.  
«Makki, you too with this poor victim story!?»  
«...will be...!» More seconds of suspense passed, before Hanamaki clicked on the screen.

There was a weird silence in the room, almost refreshing to be honest. Iwaizumi could only enjoy that moment, even though he knew that it was just the calm before the storm, especially when he noticed Hanamaki's surprised look.  
When the other looked up to meet Iwaizumi's eyes, he felt a shiver crawling down his back. _No, no, no, what the fuck, I don't want to do this._ He couldn't do that if he really wanted to get to the end of the night without killing anyone because of some mischievous or stupid comment!

Luckily, his fears were soon swept away when Hanamaki pulled his lips into a grin and whispered a faint _“Scared, huh?”_ before laying his attention to the other side of the couch. On Matsukawa.  
Oikawa turned towards him just in time to meet his eyes, then he burst out laughing.

«Come on, do we really have to do that?»

The team was really thinking about the question raised by Oikawa. Kindaichi glanced at Watari and shrugged before looking at Yahaba, who grimaced and shook his head with an expression that was clearly saying _“Don't look at me, I have no idea_. _”_ Sure, it was weird, but they had all agreed to play, right? Not to mention that, in the end, it was just an embarrassing obligation to make fun of two people... maybe.  
Even if they weren't so convinced, eventually everyone nodded at their captain. Well, everyone but Iwaizumi, who kept silent as he stared at his unlucky friends, and Hanamaki, who on the contrary had already started laughing.

«Rules are rules, even though I would advice you to sit on Matsukawa, if you don't want to be crushed. He's a lot heavier than he looks.»

This time all the attention fell on Hanamaki and on what he'd just said, before Iwaizumi asked the question that was on everyone's mind.

«And how do you know that!?»  
«Do I need to remind you that we are the kings of this kind of games? Believe me, I did so many embarrassing things that you can't even imagine. Right, Matsukawa?»  
«Yeah, I assure you that this is one of the mildest things I have ever had to do. I don't recommend anyone to go against Hanamaki when playing Truth or Dare.»

It was weird to see those two talking so calmly about such topics, especially because they didn't even seem embarrassed at all. Not that Hanamaki and Matsukawa knew the meaning of the word embarrassment, everyone else had implicitly agreed on that.  
Iwaizumi was about to joke about it, saying how stupid that dare was, but his attention was captured by Oikawa when he saw him get up from the couch.  
He really wanted to do it. _Seriously?_ Had he forgotten about the doubts he'd been having for the past two weeks, ever since that Sunday afternoon they spent together? Of course, he and Oikawa hadn't talked about it after that, but...

«If any of you says something, everyone will pay for it! I have warned you!» Oikawa threw them a threatening look.

Iwaizumi nervously bit his lower lip and shook his head to banish those silly ideas from his mind. It was useless to worry about his friend. He wasn't a child and, above all, it wasn't Iwaizumi's business.  
With these thoughts, he decided he would just laugh and make fun of his two friends like anyone else in that room, acting normally. Nothing else.

«The same goes for you.» This time Oikawa's whisper was addressed to Matsukawa.  
«Hey, don't you think I should be the one saying that? After all, I've been involved in this even though the obligation is yours!» Despite the comment, Matsukawa leaned back on the couch to make room for the other.

The smile on Matsukawa's lips compensated for any comment and surely didn't put Oikawa at ease, but he tried to dispel all doubts before sitting on the other's lap with a sigh. He could feel his face getting warmer, but it was hard to tell if it was because of the alcohol or the odd situation he'd found himself in.  
Oikawa even turned to his friend to ask him if he was comfortable, but when Matsukawa winked at him before turning to Hanamaki, Oikawa decided it was best to just give up. It was better to accept the situation rather than complain about it, especially if Matsukawa didn't mind.  
He took a deep breath, closed his eyes for a moment and finally turned to Iwaizumi.

«Iwa-chan, truth or dare?»

Judging by his teammates' amused expressions, perhaps it had been a predictable outcome.  
Iwaizumi settled back on the arm of the sofa. He knew that if he had chosen truth, Oikawa would have asked him something personal only to complain about the answer afterwards. Not that Iwaizumi had anything to hide, or at least, nothing important, but at that point who could say what Oikawa classified as unimportant?  
No, it would have been too troublesome for him to choose truth.

«Dare.»  
«Good.» Oikawa smirked, looking at him with a sly look. «You must tell us what you think of me without cheating or twisting the question around, because I know you and I know that you'll try to lie! I want a nice and articulated speech, full of truth and feelings and, oh! Wait! Every time you insult me, or try to, you'll have to drink. Let's see if you can do this, Iwa-chan.»

The other's reactions were many and varied. Hanamaki silently stood up from the couch to kneel in front of Oikawa with his hands clasped together, thanking him for the party and for what he was offering them. He continued like this for a bit, until he burst out laughing before he could finish his own speech, partly because their teammates weren't able to restrain themselves. Matsukawa even grabbed Oikawa by his hips to make him move a bit and enjoy the show.  
Iwaizumi? Well, he stared at his best friend and turned pale. He had been caught completely off guard, blinking in disbelief before putting on a frown, swallowing choked words to try and calm himself down.  
When he finally found his voice again, he was panicking.

«What the fuck!?»

Oikawa folded his arms on his chest and let out an annoyed huff, slightly tilting his chin up to give his best friend a haughty look, which irritated Iwaizumi even more.

«You've chosen dare and I've decided what you have to do, I don't want to hear excuses.»  
«This sounds more like a truth than an obligation, Shittykawa!»  
«Okay, Iwa-chan! This is your first insult, you can start drinking!» His voice had such an arrogant tone that it would have annoyed anyone.

Anger flared up in Iwaizumi's eyes, while Hanamaki, now sitting on the floor in front of him, was already filling six glasses with alcohol. Iwaizumi couldn't help but ask, «Why so many?» but Hanamaki just grinned in response, handing him a shot before speaking.  
«Come on, Iwaizumi. Entertain us!»

He wanted to kill them all, one by one. Oikawa for that obligation, Matsukawa and Hanamaki for their giggling and all of his other friends for not having anything to say about that. Kunimi could have tried to make Oikawa change his mind, and Kindaichi, Yahaba and Watari could have supported him. Instead, they were watching him with eager anticipation.

«Iwaizumi-san?» Yahaba leaned forward, worried by that silence, but shivered when he noticed the intensity with which his vice captain was looking at Oikawa.

Iwaizumi kept his fists clenched on his lap. He started bouncing his leg out of nervousness, biting his lip as he tried to figure out how to run away from the situation, even though he knew that he was doomed. There was no way to escape, unless he was willing to knock himself out with alcohol.  
It's not like he had anything to hide, but... damn it, he hated that he had to say such things in front of everyone just because Oikawa wanted to make him pay. And above all, he'd never been good with words.

«Iwa-chan, I'm going to add the rule that you have to drink twice if you make me wait too long, you know?»

He took a deep breath and grabbed the glass that Hanamaki still held in his hand, bringing it to his lips and drinking the content in one gulp before giving it back to his friend.  
The others had probably realized that something was stirring inside him, because they fell silent. With the silence Iwaizumi felt even more uneasy, but he had to stay calm or he would have refused to obey the order, he was sure of it.

«I've known you for years, practically ever since I have memory.» _Aaaah, why is this so hard? Damn you, Oikawa!_ «We did all kinds of crazy stuff together, and together we managed to stay out of trouble... at least most of the times. It was often my fault, but your ingenuity helped a lot. If we add your stupid need to-»

He stopped when Hanamaki handed him a glass.

«What did I say!?»  
«Well, you have indirectly called him stupid. He did, right?» He turned to Matsukawa, who nodded with the most innocent expression.  
«As I was saying...» Iwaizumi glared at them, but took the shot and drank before handing it back to Hanamaki.

He cleared his burning throat and leaned forward to rest his arms on his legs. He kept his eyes fixed in front of himself to ponder, but it was hard when everyone's attention was on him and the alcohol inhibited his ability to think clearly. Yeah, he knew that he'd been drinking a bit too much and that he couldn't afford to keep doing it. He had to be very careful with his words.

«Let's see... you are a person with... a lot of problems? Not in a bad way. I mean, sometimes it's bad, but-»

Again, Hanamaki handed him a glass. Everyone laughed this time.

«Hanamaki, I didn't say anything wrong!»  
«If you don't want to drink, Iwa-chan, you must tell me what you think once and for all!»

Iwaizumi sighed and took the third glass to drink, this time squeezing his eyes shut and wincing. He covered his lips with a hand, as if doing so could dull his nausea, but it didn't help at all. Yahaba asked him if everything was okay, but the vice captain just nodded.  
When Iwaizumi re-opened his eyes, his attention focused directly on Oikawa, who didn't look away. He knew that his cheeks were on fire and that his patience was starting to crumble, but he couldn't do anything against the fog that had begun to cloud his thoughts. It wasn't heavy, yet he found it extremely annoying, because it had slid into his mind without permission and was starting to damage the walls he had tried to put up, liberating the words that until that moment he had refrained to say.

«You have your faults as much as I have mine, and many times we insult each other. Well, _I_ insult _you_ most of the time, and I often hit you when I don't know how to answer, since you always say that my vocabulary is poor. I might have kept certain facts hidden from you, but I didn't do that to hurt you, and even if you like to give me a hard time, I'm sure that you already know it. I don't like talking about those things and I prefer to keep them to myself, so if I didn't say anything to you it's because I haven't told anyone else either. I trust you, you idiot.»

He had already grabbed the glass before Hanamaki could tell him to, downing the drink before continuing with a grimace caused by the alcohol.

«I'm sorry I kept you in the dark about that stuff, okay? I didn't know you cared so much. I mean, you're my best friend and...»  
«Enough. It's your turn.» Iwaizumi, who hadn't even realized he had looked away until Oikawa had spoken, turned towards the other. His friend was smiling, to him and him alone.

Something stirred in him. He felt a strange warmth flowing through his body – _Fuck, I shouldn't have drank so much._ – and a lump in his throat that barely allowed him to swallow – _Hell if it burns!_ – but he still kept his eyes fixed on Oikawa.  
He barely noticed Hanamaki's disgruntled look and Matsukawa's bored sigh, and he could bet that even the others in some way were disappointed by Oikawa's decision to terminate the obligation, but Iwaizumi couldn't care less. He remained motionless, sitting on the arm of the sofa while staring at Oikawa. Or at least he did, before that feeling in his body became stronger.

«Iwaizumi?» Hanamaki noticed that there was something weird in how he was acting, and quickly took away the empty glass that the vice captain was still holding tightly.

Iwaizumi felt his mouth run dry, his throat and chest burning up and his stomach twisting into a knot. Oikawa looked at him with a worried frown, but Iwaizumi already knew what was going on and he couldn't help but hate his best friend for it.  
Slowly, he stood up. With uncertain steps he tried to pass by Hanamaki, but he tripped on his leg. It was probably that sudden movement that made his nausea come back stronger than ever.  
Quickly this time, he put a hand over his mouth and dashed towards the door, barely managing to avoid falling over when he bumped against a piece of furniture.  
Oikawa kept staring at the door from where Iwaizumi had just disappeared and so did Yahaba, before Kindaichi and Watari rose to their feet to run after him, obviously concerned about their vice captain.

«Oikawa, I swear that my respect for you is stronger than ever right now,» Hanamaki whispered softly, but Oikawa was too worried to listen to him.  
«Did I make him go too far?»  
«Making Iwaizumi get so drunk that he embarrassed himself in front of everyone and almost threw up?» Matsukawa looked at Oikawa, circling his waist with an arm. His grin was worth more than a thousand words. «I assure you, this is the best birthday party I have ever been to.»

Yahaba didn't seem convinced of what the others were saying and neither was Kunimi, who shook his head in disbelief.

«You are despicable.»

Oikawa sighed and looked back at the door again. He was really worried about Iwaizumi – although he was more concerned for himself and the revenge that the other was surely going to get against him – and he even felt guilty for what had happened.

Well, just a bit.

He didn't actually regret anything, not when Iwaizumi had kept so many things hidden from him, not when he was sure that the other would be back soon, ready to yell in his face. His friend had deserved all of it. With this belief, he crossed his arms on his chest with a satisfied smirk.

«Iwa-chan will not be beaten by a hangover, I'm sure of that.»  
«Because you didn't see his conditions, Oikawa-san.»

Hanamaki looked at Kindaichi when he heard his voice behind him. Watari looked worried as he went to sit on the arm of the sofa, where Iwaizumi had been perched until a moment before.

«Where did you leave him?» Matsukawa grinned while Kindaichi went back to his place.  
«I think it's needless to say that he's in the bathroom. However, he wishes to see you burn in hell, Oikawa-san.» Watari raised his hands in front of him. «Those are Iwaizumi-san's words, not mine.»  
«He just had to avoid insulting me, but Iwa-chan doesn't even know what kindness is!» Oikawa laughed, but it was more to hide the fear of having to face Iwaizumi's murderous intents.  
«Hanamaki-san, at least two of those drinks were unnecessary, you know?»

Hanamaki's angelic smile barely hid how much he had enjoyed doing those evil deeds.

«First of all, I made it more fun. Secondly, I'm sure that he would have never confessed without that extra encouragement. Thirdly, you can blame me, but none of you said anything against it! Why didn't you ask me to stop? I'll tell you why, it's because you actually enjoyed the scene! We're all guilty in this room!»  
«If Oikawa-san hadn't imposed that obligation, none of this would have happened,» said Yahaba.  
«Yahaba, you asshole! You couldn't care less about what happened to Iwaizumi, don't try to blame others!» Hanamaki admonished him with a single glance, while his teammate shrugged.

There was a moment of silence, during which Oikawa found himself struggling with his own doubts. Had he really overdone it? Sure, Iwaizumi had deserved it, but maybe he should still apologize to him. After all, it was his fault if his best friend was throwing up in the bathroom, it was he – and Hanamaki too, of course – who had made him keep drinking despite knowing how much he'd had already. He didn't regret his actions, but...  
He sighed, before Matsukawa's amused voice near his ear brought him back to reality.

«I'm sorry that your husband had to deal with this.»

He had been so absorbed in his own thoughts that he hadn't even noticed Matsukawa's arms around his waist, holding him tightly.  
Oikawa gulped and looked at Matsukawa from the corner of his eye, suddenly aware of his proximity. To be honest, he felt a little uneasy, but he blamed the alcohol and the euphoria of the moment for the sudden heat on his cheeks.

«He's not my husband, Mattsun! And I would be lying if I said that he didn't deserve it at least a bit! He's done nothing but annoy me for the whole time, any excuse was good to make me angry and I'm sure he isn't even sorry about it! So yes, he deserves it, serves him right!»  
«So I deserve it, Shittykawa?»

Oikawa turned around just in time to be pierced by Iwaizumi's eyes. He smiled nervously, frightened by his possible reaction.

«A-Are you feeling better, Iwa-chan?»

Iwaizumi, who was guzzling water from a bottle, gave him an unreadable look. He'd changed his shirt, putting on a simple black tank top. Judging by his wet hair, droplets still dripping along his neck, Oikawa guessed he'd tried to cool himself down.  
He walked towards the couch, his steps calmer and more controlled than when he'd left the room. He drank some more before wiping his lips with the back of his hand, then he set the bottle down on the table and went to sit on the the couch next to Hanamaki, who was watching him with obvious concern.

«Iwaizumi-san, are you okay?» Kindaichi received a simple nod in response.

The silence was growing, but Iwaizumi's attention never abandoned the three guys next to him even for a second. He glanced at Oikawa, who was still on Matsukawa's legs, then he looked at Matsukawa with a weird intensity and only in the end his gaze stopped on Hanamaki.  
When a smile finally appeared on Iwaizumi's lips... well, Oikawa knew that they had to brace themselves for the worst.

«I hope the three of you are prepared to pay for all the laughter and shots that you've dispensed from the beginning of the night, because I swear that I'll make you regret every moment of it.»

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you in the next chapter for some hot scenes ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	4. Chapter 4

Iwaizumi wanted revenge.

He couldn't think of anything else while he was kneeling on the bathroom's tiles, cursing towards Oikawa and wishing him the worst deaths possible, but he could swear that something had snapped in his mind when, for the umpteenth time, he had been forced to tighten the grip on the ceramic board and throw up all the alcohol that he had ingested until that moment.  
His throat was burning so much that he felt like there was a fire inside him. He could feel his body tremble because of the stomach cramps, tears wetting his cheeks from the pain.

Why the hell had he accepted to do such a thing? He could have easily put an end to the game before getting to that point, but the mere idea of having to face the complaints and teasing comments for who knows how long had made him desist from saying anything – _"Got something to hide?"_ , _"Here comes the spoilsport!"_ , _"Afraid of what might happen?"_ , _"Iwa-chan, you don't know how to have fun!”  
_ To think that he had started out with the idea of keeping an eye on all his friends to stop them from doing anything crazy, and that he had even promised that to Machi...

Not that she would ever know anything about that night, he certainly wasn't going to tell her.

All his good intentions were gone down the drain the moment he had ended up like that, with an upset stomach and a great desire to get even with his three friends.  
How could he do it, though? He had already spent ten minutes in that hell and he still hadn't been able to come up with a solid plan, too busy heaving to think clearly.

He took a deep breath and tried to calm down, staying still for a few seconds to see if he could get up without gagging again. When he realized that the worst had passed, he stood up and fixed all the mess he'd made. He turned on the shower spray, then, and without much care he put his head under the water to cool off and clear his mind.

He knew that it had been his fault for making Oikawa angry, but he certainly didn't deserve such a harsh punishment.

It would have been easier if Oikawa had told him, in private and not in front of everyone, how much he had been hurt by all the things that Iwaizumi had kept hidden from him – although he still didn't understand how Oikawa could feel hurt because of something so stupid. They probably would have fought about it, but in the end Iwaizumi would have told him everything.  
It would have ended soon for both of them and Iwaizumi wouldn't have had to run to the bathroom.

The vice captain stared at the shower cabin's floor, enjoying the cold water over his head. Then he closed his eyes and raised his face, opening his mouth to remove the sour taste while the jet washed the tears off his cheeks.  
When he felt refreshed enough, he shut off the water and ruffled his hair, taking off his soaked shirt before grabbing a towel to dry himself up and a black tank top from the pile of clean clothes that his mother had left there. When he was finally presentable, he emerged from the bathroom and went to the kitchen to take a bottle of water.

Iwaizumi could hear his teammates' voices in the next room, the worry of the first and second year boys and the mocking of his third year friends.

_Are they enjoying the fact that I'm feeling like this?_ Well, maybe giving them a taste of their own medicine would be worth the pain he had to go through. Maybe he could even add a punishment to his obligation, just like Oikawa had done with him.

He leaned against the kitchen counter and took a sip of water, thinking about his next steps.  
Those three had to pay for it, because they were all guilty for what had happened. It had to be something embarrassing, something they didn’t expect. But what? With Oikawa it would had been easy, but Hanamaki and Matsukawa were harder to blindside.

_Think, Hajime, think._

«...I would be lying if I said that he didn't deserve it at least a bit! He's done nothing but annoy me for the whole time, any excuse was good to make me angry and I'm sure he isn't even sorry about it! So yes, he deserves it, serves him right!»

He raised his eyes towards the door when he heard Oikawa pronounce those words and, a second later, a familiar irritation made his blood boil.

“ _He deserves it, serves him right!”_

Did Oikawa really think that? Was he serious? In that case, Oikawa deserved a lot worse. He deserved to experience the embarrassment and the unease that Iwaizumi had felt when his best friend had asked him those silly questions about his private life. He deserved to pay, along with their two friends, who had been teasing everyone while claiming they weren't ashamed of anything.

They soon would have discovered if that was the truth.

\- - - - -

«I-Iwa-chan, isn't it a bit too much?» Oikawa, still sitting on Matsukawa's lap, looked at Iwaizumi with fear, nervousness visible from the stiffness of his body. He was afraid, not only of the glare that Iwaizumi had thrown him as soon as he had set foot in the room, but also because he had a very bad feeling about the ridiculous order that his friend had just given to Hanamaki.

Iwaizumi hadn't waited long before targeting Hanamaki, and the third year, ignoring any danger – and curious to see what Iwaizumi had in mind – had chosen dare without thinking twice.  
Matsukawa had looked at him like he was mad, but he'd shifted his attention back on Iwaizumi a moment later. Yahaba had said that it was the craziest idea he'd ever heard and Watari had asked him how he'd managed to come up with something like that.

“ _I had time to think about it,”_ he had answered, causing a general laugh.

Iwaizumi, sitting on the armrest of the couch, turned towards his best friend with the most calm and peaceful expression he could muster. He arched his eyebrows slightly, surprised by Oikawa's question, then gave him a small smile, his kind expression contrasting with the harshness of his words.

«Too much? Why? If I remember correctly, and I'm sure I do, they already did _"so many embarrassing things that we can't even imagine"_ , right? And weren't you, Oikawa, the one who said that if you choose dare, you have to go through with it?»

An appreciative whistle escaped from Yahaba's lips in favour of their vice captain. Watari elbowed him as a sign to keep quiet, but, to be honest, no one had yet found the courage to look away from their teammates.  
Oikawa stared at Iwaizumi for a moment and then he turned towards Hanamaki, who was already looking at his phone with a thoughtful expression. Iwaizumi noticed his consideration and shrugged nonchalantly.

«Since I'm not so cruel, I want to give you a chance to back down... I know that it takes courage to accept.»

Maybe those words were the reason why Hanamaki threw a look of defiance at the still smiling Iwaizumi, or perhaps Hanamaki had already made his decision, since he was probably so drunk that in his eyes everything seemed like a great way to have fun.

«Let's recap.» Hanamaki's tone was far too calm. «I have to do an obligation for every person in this room, so... eight, in total. Since every obligation must be random, they'll be chosen from a list on the Internet. Nothing PG-13 or you won't be satisfied enough, am I right?»

Iwaizumi sharpened his gaze on him and nodded, «That's right.»

«Perfect. And then I...»  
«You have to do your obligations paired up with someone, but you cannot choose the same person twice. If you pick Oikawa as your partner for the first obligation, you have to do the next one with Matsukawa, and so on.»  
«And if I refuse we are forced to drink two shots of alcohol, but if my partner is the one who refuses, we drink three times.»

They had done nothing but be loud and have fun for hours, but in that moment silence had fallen over the group.  
Matsukawa shifted his attention from Hanamaki to Iwaizumi, as did the rest of the team. Kindaichi was holding his breath, Kunimi had seriously started to doubt the sanity of his senpais and Yahaba was grinning in anticipation. Only Oikawa seemed intimidated.

«Think about it, Makki. I don't trust what you can find on the Internet.»  
«Come on, Oikawa-san... what could possibly go wrong?»  
«Kunimi, I don't think that adding fuel to the fire is a good idea, you know?» Kunimi shrugged in response to Watari's admonition.  
«Me? Backing down? Who do you think I am?»  
«Are you serious, Hanamaki?» Despite the question, there was an amused tone in Matsukawa's voice.  
«I've never been more serious. When have I ever backed down from a challenge in Truth or Dare?»  
«All right, but hurry up!» Oikawa's request sounded more like a plea.

To be honest, Iwaizumi's confidence faltered when Hanamaki turned towards him with his usual sly smile, but nothing compared to the worry he felt when he noticed Oikawa's puzzled look. He never wanted to be the bad guy, but he also knew that someone had to make them regret all the shit they had pulled during the night. He wouldn't hesitate to embrace that role, if he had to.  
Hanamaki stretched his lips into a grin when he saw that moment of doubt.

«Are you changing your mind?»  
«No way. Come on, what do you have?»

Hanamaki handed him the phone, but tightened the grip on it when he met Iwaizumi's eyes.

«Try not to regret this moment, Iwaizumi.» The calm that oozed from his voice was eerie.  
« _I_ _'m_ the one who's starting to regret everything.» Oikawa's whisper was barely audible.

The boys of the first and second year realized that something had changed in Iwaizumi, and looked at him with concern. They didn't know why, but his expression had twisted as soon as he had taken Hanamaki's phone to see the list he had found.

«Iwaizumi-san?» Watari frowned.  
«Something tells me it's nothing good...» The amused smile on Yahaba's face betrayed what he was really thinking.  
«Iwaizumi?» Even Matsukawa started to worry, especially when the vice captain blushed and parted his lips to speak, but only a weird noise left his mouth.

Okay, he had to calm down. It made no sense to be panicking when they hadn't even started yet, but how could he keep calm when Hanamaki had just confirmed his madness!? How could he believe that it was normal to do that kind of things!?

«Are you fucking kidding me!?» Iwaizumi snapped, looking up from the screen to meet Hanamaki's eyes, who was laughing with genuine satisfaction.  
«I have to do eight obligations with a partner, so that's what I searched for. Truth or Dare for couples.»  
«Couples!?» Matsukawa didn't seem to believe his ears.  
«Hanamaki, you're completely crazy!» Iwaizumi cried out, but his voice was soon overcome by Oikawa's shocked one.  
«I'm warning you, if things get too gross, I'd rather get drunk until I pass out!»

Hanamaki and Matsukawa almost seemed disappointed by his reaction, but Oikawa was too busy staring at Iwaizumi to notice. On the other hand, Iwaizumi couldn't suppress a sigh of relief upon hearing those words. _Why?_ He didn't know and didn't even want to wonder why he found them so comforting.  
He had intended to make him pay, but that didn't mean throwing his best friend in the lion's den, with Hanamaki and Matsukawa. He was starting to feel sorry for him... not so much, to tell the truth, but enough to make him worry if Oikawa had to do something really weird with Hanamaki.

«So, are we starting or what?» Iwaizumi looked at Matsukawa and then at the other two, who were now staring at him with the most conflicting feelings – especially Oikawa and his visible desire to run away.  
«Number?» Iwaizumi whispered, his gaze fixed on them.  
«Five,» said Matsukawa, earning a glare from Hanamaki. «What, you have already read the list, it wouldn't make sense to let you pick a number.»

Iwaizumi looked down at the screen to read what would be the first of those eight obligations.  
Actually, he had to read it twice. And after the third time, he found himself repeating _You're the one who_ _started_ _this nonsense, it's your fault, Hajime, your fucking fault_ in his head like a mantra.

«Are you going to tell us or do I have to read it by myself?» Hanamaki crossed his legs on the couch, watching Iwaizumi with curiosity.  
«Iwa-chan, is your goal to make me die of a heart attack? Read that damn obligation already!»  
«You and... mh.» Iwaizumi shut up and grimaced, but when he noticed Oikawa's desperate look, he continued talking. «You and your partner must take off a piece of clothing from each other. If your partner laughs for whatever reason, you're forced to remove an extra garment. The same is true for your partner. You can continue until you're nak- no, okay, nothing more to add.»

Oikawa raised his eyebrows in astonishment and glanced first towards Hanamaki – who was laughing already – and then towards Iwaizumi again, but it was only when the other boys around them could no longer hold back laughter that Oikawa looked at them in shock.

«Let me clear this up, if Makki laughs he has to keep undressing me? Do any of you realize that he can't even stay serious when he's sober!?»  
«Hey, I'm the one who's supposed to be afraid of ending up naked!» Snapped Hanamaki in false offense.

Yahaba had tears in his eyes from how much he was laughing.

«So, will you choose Oikawa-san as your partner considering that he's complaining so much?»  
«Well, it would be hard to do it with Matsukawa, since Oikawa is sitting on him.»  
«You have a point,» agreed Kindaichi.  
«Do you realize that, on this list, there are things bordering the limits of decency!? Not to mention that most of these involve foreplay and sex acts!»

Everyone turned towards Iwaizumi, who was still busy reading the obligations on the phone. He occasionally frowned or shook his head, sighing in disbelief. He should have thought more about it. Why the hell had he left Hanamaki in charge of picking the list? Why hadn't he searched for one himself? At least he could have checked it beforehand!  
And yet, Matsukawa didn't seem worried at all, and even Hanamaki looked calm, as he promptly got up from the couch.

«Do you think I want to go all the way with these two? For heaven's sake, I'd rather die! Discard the ones that involve sex, it's simple.»

Oikawa was about to reply, but the words died on his tongue when Hanamaki positioned himself in front of him, his hands on his hips and a smile that couldn't mean anything good. He knew that he wasn't drunk enough to accept such a thing, he would have to drink at least five more shots to face such a moment without thinking of the consequences or cursing Iwaizumi.  
He sighed and rolled his eyes.

«Do I just have to take off your shirt? Then it's all over? Don't you dare even try to smile or I'll kill you.»

Hanamaki let out a laugh at those words and at the other's concentrated expression, but from Oikawa's murderous look, he could see that his friend wasn't joking.

«Okay, okay. I'm ready...» Hanamaki took a deep breath, then he turned serious – even if anyone could see from a mile away that he was really trying to hold himself back.  
Matsukawa, who was looking at him straight in the eyes, certainly wasn't helping, and neither was Yahaba's continuous humming, «Please, none of us wants to see you two naked!»  
«I hate you...» Despite his words, Oikawa snorted. «Come here, you idiot!»

No one could stay impassive in front of that scene, not even Iwaizumi, who was trying to hide a grin behind the phone. It was hard not to laugh when they couldn't even look directly at each other.  
Hanamaki took a step forward and stopped in front of Oikawa, but he didn't have time to open his mouth before the latter took the edge of his shirt and lifted it up with both hands. Oikawa heard clearly when Hanamaki almost started laughing, but he quickly brought the shirt up to cover his face and hide it from the others.  
Fortunately, when Oikawa removed it, Hanamaki had put on an expression so stoic that made Matsukawa and the others burst out laughing.

«Lift your arms.»

Oikawa, trying to maintain a neutral expression, obeyed the order and raised his arms so that Hanamaki could grab his shirt. He was so focused on staring at an unidentified spot in front of him that he flinched when he felt Matsukawa's hands on his hips, moving up on his bare skin as it was gradually uncovered by Hanamaki.  
_No, no, no._ What the hell was he doing!? He couldn't really-!

«MATTSUN. This isn't-» He arched his back to get away from those touches, but it was useless.

Matsukawa's fingers grazed his body so softly that Oikawa couldn't tell if it was really happening or if he was imagining it, but those touches were enough to send shivers down his spine.

«There was no rule forbidding others to make you laugh, right?» Matsukawa said innocently. «And what a surprise! I didn't know you were so ticklish, captain!»  
«Stop it!!» Oikawa kicked his leg as he arched further so that Hanamaki could remove his shirt, but the very moment Oikawa freed his head, he burst out laughing.

He felt his muscles ache and he tried to escape from those hands again, but the more he tried, the more Matsukawa tortured him.

«Mattsun, stop!!» He was breathless and he hadn't even realize that, in the heat of the moment, he had fallen back against Matsukawa's chest. «I can't take it anymore!»

Hanamaki looked at the two and turned towards Iwaizumi in disbelief.

«I refuse to accept this!» He snapped, but Yahaba grinned.  
«I'm sorry, no complaints!»  
«Not to mention that when you were making Iwaizumi-san drink, you didn't seem so magnanimous. Why should we listen to your protests?»

Hanamaki glared at Watari, but Kunimi hastened to speak. He was trying to maintain some dignity, not like Kindaichi, who was already lying on the ground, holding his stomach in laughter.

«Watari-san is right. When Iwaizumi-san protested, you've made him drink!»  
«Is that how you speak to your senpai, Kunimi?» Hanamaki's irritated smirk didn't deter Kunimi's sly one.  
«Oh, I'm so sorry, _senpai_.»

Hanamaki didn't reply, but hearing Oikawa's muffled laughter, he turned towards Matsukawa and glared at him in silence. The latter noticed his look and he immediately stopped what he was doing, raising his hands with evident satisfaction.

«I'll make you pay.»  
«Too many times I've heard those words, _Takahiro_.» He said slowly his name.  
«Believe me, _Issei_ , this one won't be an empty threat.» Without the slightest bit of embarrassment, Hanamaki unbuttoned his pants and lowered the zip, then he dropped them on the floor and kicked them away.

Oikawa's smile died on his lips right away, and that change didn't go unnoticed. Iwaizumi saw when a deadpan expression fell on the captain's flushed face, how his eyes shifted from Hanamaki to his own hands and how Oikawa immediately looked away when Hanamaki sat down again beside him, now only wearing his underwear.  
Yes, Iwaizumi saw everything, but said nothing. He kept his eyes fixed on Oikawa instead, trying to understand what was going through his head. He continued to do so even when his best friend sighed and turned towards him, meeting his gaze.  
Had his doubts returned again? From how uncomfortable he looked, it was possible.

«Are we done? Then let's move on to the next one!» Hanamaki's sing-song voice had already erased every trace of his earlier irritation.

Iwaizumi didn't seem willing to look away from his best friend, but when Matsukawa caught Oikawa's attention and the two started talking, Iwaizumi shook his head slowly and looked at the rest of his teammates.

«Give me a number.»  
«Sixteen!» Shouted Yahaba.

Iwaizumi scrolled down the list until he found the designated number. He looked at Hanamaki, then at Matsukawa, and finally back towards Hanamaki with a grin on his lips.

«For two whole minutes, you must seduce your partner with everything you've got.»

Oikawa had to turn away to avoid laughing in Hanamaki's face, not even trying to hide his amusement. Yahaba and Watari had already given up on keeping any composure as well, considering how ridiculous the situation was.  
Hanamaki stared at Iwaizumi in silence, then turned to look at Matsukawa and Oikawa with a sigh.

«Iwaizumi, my partner is cheating on me, I'm feeling like the third wheel!» His words provoked a new outburst of laughter in the room, which intensified when Matsukawa put an arm around Oikawa's waist to hold him, looking at his friend with a malicious grin.  
«Are you jealous? We can always have fun together, all three of us.»  
«Keep dreaming!» Hanamaki snapped, but he laughed along with the others.

Oikawa stayed motionless in Matsukawa's arms, but he frowned when that sense of unease came back stronger than ever. He didn't know how to classify that feeling, he only knew that it made him feel weird.  
Iwaizumi couldn't explain it either. Or rather, he wanted to believe he didn't know the reason, because in his heart he already knew. Was it the alcohol? No, Oikawa hadn't drunk since Iwaizumi had returned. Was it the heat? The euphoria of the moment? Maybe, but those alone wouldn't have caused that drastic change. _No, it's something else_ , he thought while keeping a watchful eye on Oikawa from above the phone, while around them the voices of their teammates were growing in volume.

«Hey, make it romantic!» Urged Kindaichi.  
«Don't disappoint us!» Added Yahaba.  
«Yeah, sure. Now shut up.» Hanamaki waved his hand to discard their teasing, no trace of doubt or concern on his face. He was clearly enjoying the moment, judging by how carefree he was acting.

Oikawa turned around to look at the two grinning boys, clearly not interested in their teammates' comments. They were only thinking about how to make the moment fun. Why couldn't Oikawa do the same? Why was he asking himself so many questions? He wanted to have fun too, wanted to put aside the weird feelings for another time.  
With this thought, he shifted on Matsukawa's legs and stared at Hanamaki with an ambiguous smile.

«Since you're complaining so much, let's see if you are worthy of him!»  
«Iwaizumi-san, your husband is cheating on you!»  
«Yahaba, do you really want to die that bad tonight?»  
«Let's see...» Hanamaki licked his lips and knelt on the couch before putting an arm around Matsukawa's shoulder, touching his hair with his other hand.

When his friends' eyes met in the absolute silence of the room, Oikawa could only feel embarrassment for the intensity of that exchange. They were joking, Oikawa knew that, so why, _why_ , was he feeling so captivated by what was happening in front of him?  
Hanamaki leaned towards Matsukawa, their lips so close and yet so distant, but before they could actually touch he tilted his head and approached the other's ear, whispering in a low and provocative tone.

«You know, Issei? I have to flirt with you because of an obligation, but I honestly don't mind.»  
«Oh, really?» Matsukawa held back a giggle.  
«Yeah. After all, we know each other so well... We've done so many things together...» His hand slid slowly from his hair to his neck.

Okay, it wasn't just embarrassment what Oikawa was feeling. Sure, there was that too, but underneath a lot of very different things were stirring inside of him. His heart was beating faster just by looking at those gestures, at Hanamaki's lips – tilted up in a grin – on Matsukawa's neck.

«So?» Matsukawa asked, doing his best to keep a stoic expression.  
«We've been together for so long. Maybe it's time we become something more than friends, don't you think?» His mouth brushed against Matsukawa's bare skin, but he laughed despite the situation.

Oikawa didn't realize it when his eyes moved on their own to fix on Iwaizumi, who was laughing like everyone else. He didn't even know why doing that had come natural to him, after hearing Hanamaki's words, and yet he couldn't look away from his best friend. Iwaizumi was smiling, he was covering his lips with a hand to stifle a laugh and shaking his head at how stupid their friends were acting. But Oikawa wasn't interested in what was going on just inches from him, because the drumming noise inside his chest was getting stronger and...  
Iwaizumi turned towards Oikawa, and he immediately averted his gaze.  
He could feel nervousness take hold of his body, his throat ran dry and his palms started to sweat.

_What's happening to me?_

«Issei, I...» Oikawa turned towards Hanamaki when he heard him speak again. His friend's eyes became brighter, and... a moment later, he started laughing. «I feel like an idiot! I can't do this anymore!!»

Hanamaki leaned his forehead on the other's shoulder and took a deep breath to calm down, but shortly after he started laughing even louder. Matsukawa looked at him and then at his teammates with a confused expression.  
The collective boisterous laughter that filled up the room seemed to snap Oikawa out of his trance, hitting him like a cold shower and dragging him away from all those absurd thoughts.

«Hanamaki-san, I almost fell for you!» Shouted Yahaba, putting a hand on his heart.  
«Surely the fact that he's only wearing his underwear emphasized the moment,» Kunimi muttered softly.

Iwaizumi shook his head with an unreadable grimace on his face. He looked disgusted, but at the same time amused and almost surprised at how Hanamaki had faced that obligation.  
Oikawa grinned and pushed Hanamaki away from them.

«Rejected! You don't deserve Mattsun, I'm sorry!»  
«I did my best and I haven't even passed the test? What an injustice!»  
«Oikawa-san, you're cruel!» Kindaichi scolded him.  
«Hey! Mattsun deserves more than a laugh in his face!»

Iwaizumi snorted a little smile. The list that Hanamaki had previously found had scared him a little, but it wasn't so bad if it allowed everybody to laugh at the misadventures of their three unfortunate teammates. At least they were taking it well and not too seriously.

«Number?»

Watari immediately called the number eight.  
Iwaizumi scrolled the list again. He knew that everyone was waiting to know the new obligation, just as he was aware that Oikawa's attention was focused entirely on him. He didn't need to look at him to confirm it, because he could feel his eyes scorch his skin. Too bad he couldn't in any way imagine the obligation that Watari had unconsciously chosen.

«I'll grant you a do-over, please take it,» he said, but Hanamaki perked right up at that.  
«Now I'm curious.»  
«What does it say?» Oikawa was concerned, but also interested, just like Hanamaki.

Iwaizumi sighed and looked back at the screen, reading aloud what he had dreaded to say.

«Starting from the neck, you must kiss your partner's body, stopping at their naval. If you- no, okay, I don't think you're interested. Mh, you can go on if you like it? No, thanks. Well, if you prefer, you can also start from the neck and continue along the back if you don't want to do it along the chest.» Iwaizumi's eyes darted towards his best friend.

Would it have been weird if Oikawa had wanted to do it? Because he did. Even though it made him uncomfortable, even if he was embarrassed just by imagining the scene, he was curious to find out if what he was feeling was what he most feared or not.

«I have no problem with that, but...» Hanamaki looked at Oikawa, who still hadn't spoken.

When the captain turned to look at Iwaizumi, he noticed that the latter was studying him rather than just waiting for his answer.

«You can always pass. I won't force you to drink,» Iwaizumi whispered to Oikawa.  
«So?» Matsukawa looked at both of them.

Oikawa’s voice came out so softly that he was forced to clear his throat before speaking again.

«Along the back. Otherwise I refuse.» He expected those shocked reactions, so he quickly added, «I can't risk to pass and drink, the next obligation could be something even worse! Plus, I don't want to lose to Iwa-chan! He challenged us and we aren't going to back down, right Makki?»  
«Right! Well said, Oikawa!»

Iwaizumi had much to say, but at the same time he knew that it would have been useless. What _could_ he say? That he'd been stupid for throwing himself into that situation without thinking of the consequences? Not to mention that Iwaizumi couldn't afford to argue with Oikawa about that topic in front of the whole team.

«Do we have to stay like this? Because it's somewhat problematic.» It was clear what Matsukawa was trying to say, but Yahaba answered promptly.  
«Yes, the obligation for Oikawa-san was clear: for the entire duration of the game.»  
«Yahaba, if you keep teasing them this way, I really think you won't live to see tomorrow.» Despite those words, Watari seemed calm, so much that he was actually smiling at the young setter.

Oikawa frowned, then looked at Matsukawa. He knew what he had to do, but it wasn't easy to be nonchalant about it. He was envious of how at ease Matsukawa and Hanamaki seemed with the situation, but of course they didn't have to face all the doubts that swirled in Oikawa's head.

«Wait...» Oikawa stood up, only to turn around and kneel on the couch straddling Matsukawa's legs, this time looking at him straight in the eyes.  
He felt his cheeks burning up for the embarrassment, to the point that he covered his face with a hand and shook his head in disbelief. «This is so stupid.»  
«Oh, really!?» Hanamaki shouted. «I'm the one who has to do everything!»  
«Well, I'm not complaining.» The smile on Matsukawa's lips spoke louder than any word.  
«Because you haven't done anything embarrassing yet, Mattsun.»

Oikawa shuddered when Matsukawa rested his hands on his thighs.  
Why was he suddenly so conscious of every touch?

«I would have no problem with it, unlike you.»  
«Since you don't have any problems, can you please move along?» Iwaizumi snapped.

Hanamaki looked at him and snorted, muttering a  _I swear I will delete this night from everyone's mind_ as he stood  to reach Oikawa.

«Where's your courage?» Matsukawa laughed, while Oikawa threw Hanamaki a murderous look.  
«Hurry up!»  
«What the hell!? Why are you all so impatient!?»

Hanamaki put his hands on Oikawa's hips, sighing and shaking his head, well aware of how insane the situation was. Without thinking further, he bent down and placed his first kiss on the other's nape.  
Oikawa's back instantly shoot up straight, but he convinced himself that it was only because of the surprise. However, he tried to avoid Matsukawa's gaze, lowering his eyes while Hanamaki gave him a second kiss below the previous one.  
Matsukawa's hands were on his thighs and Hanamaki's ones were on his hips, but more than anything his attention was focused on those burning lips against his skin.

He liked it. It was hard to admit and difficult to accept, but it was the truth. And the cause of all the heat that was spreading through his body, was a boy.

When another kiss on his back made him shudder, he instinctively held onto Matsukawa's arms. He knew that his cheeks had taken a much brighter colour than usual and he was certain that Matsukawa had noticed it. In fact, a few seconds later, he received his confirmation.

«Hey.» Matsukawa's grip tightened, at the same time as when Hanamaki bent on his knees to continue what he was doing.

Oikawa didn't want to meet his eyes, but when the other squeezed his thighs, he finally looked up.  
Matsukawa's hands slid up and reached his hips, where they stopped. His lips brushed against his ear when he leaned towards Oikawa, so that his whisper could only be heard by the setter.  
The other boys were too busy teasing Hanamaki to pay attention to them.

«Do you like it that much?»

Oikawa's heart skipped a beat. What kind of question was that? And why was he feeling so guilty? Because yes, it was nice, he couldn't even deny it.  
He was so absorbed by the thoughtful look that Matsukawa was giving him, that he hadn't even realized that the obligation was over and that Hanamaki had freed him from his grip.  
His embarrassment was skyrocketing, his heart was beating so fast he thought it could explode, and all he could do was avert his gaze, hissing a _Shut up_ with a hoarse voice.

Wasting no time, between the teammate's laughter and the evident shame on Hanamaki's face, Oikawa jumped up and sat back down, giving again his back to Matsukawa.  
Kindaichi was laughing, Watari was feeling uncomfortable for them and Yahaba had already joined Kunimi in commenting what was going on. Yes, everyone had found it funny.

Everyone except Iwaizumi.

Contrary to the others, he had seen the exchange that had taken place between the two. He had seen how Matsukawa's hands had moved on his thighs and he had even noticed when his friend had approached Oikawa to whisper something that he couldn't hear.  
Consequently, he had seen the change in Oikawa's expression. Embarrassment, agitation, nervousness and pleasure, Iwaizumi had recognized them all in that whirlwind of emotions. And even in that moment, while everyone was laughing and joking, Iwaizumi found himself unable to look away from the two in front of him. Matsukawa was quiet and seemed almost intrigued, while Oikawa had clasped his hands on his lap, staring at an indefinite point.

He was worried... and irritated. _Why?_ He was the one who had started everything, yet he couldn't  simply accept what happened and pretend that he was having fun. Seeing Oikawa so conflicted was starting to bother him, after all he was his best friend and he didn't want to upset him on the day of his birthday. But then, why did his blood boil when his attention shifted on Matsukawa, noticing that he was staring at Oikawa with those eyes full of expectation?  
Iwaizumi didn't have time to find an answer, because Hanamaki positioned himself in front of the vice captain with his hands on hips and a grin on his face.

«I swear, Hanamaki. If you don't go away right now I'll punch you, you're being ridiculous.»

Hanamaki crossed his arms on his chest and took a step towards him, so Iwaizumi kicked him and pushed him away.

«Get away from me, I don't want you so close when you're half naked, you're indecent!»  
«Hey, it's your fault if I'm like this and certainly I won't sit down if I'll have to get up again! Let's move along with these obligations!»

As if to answer his request, Kindaichi called the number six and Iwaizumi started to read from the list.

«Let's see... You'll have to tell your partner, in this case Matsukawa, your most sensitive spot – which I really don't feel the need to know about – and he will have free rein to exploit it for a minute.»

Iwaizumi looked at Hanamaki, who shifted his attention on Matsukawa, breathing a sigh of relief. The exchange between the two was short lived, because they both shrugged in a dismissive gesture.

«Better than I thought.»  
«Yeah, it's too easy.»  
«Mattsun, Makki... I don't know what you plan on doing, but don't involve me too much, because I still have to stay here.»

Hanamaki sat down on the couch with his legs crossed, giving his back to Matsukawa. Noticing that Iwaizumi wasn't the only one who was looking at them thoughtfully and that the rest of the team was doing the same, Hanamaki decided to explain.

«It was during our first year, at my cousin's birthday. I was forced to attend and I didn't want to go alone because I hate him, so I asked Matsukawa to tag along. I drank, he drank, my cousin drank and he came up with the idea of playing some games like this one... or something like that.»  
«Is this the part where I nod and say _Oh, now I understand_? Because all I' m getting from this is that your whole family is composed of fools.»  
«Iwaizumi, it's not our fault if we love the thrill of danger.»

Hanamaki shuddered visibly when Matsukawa, without any warning, reached out and grabbed his neck, brushing his lips against the back of it before blowing softly.  
Oikawa tried to look away, tried not to imagine a possible scenario where he was in Hanamaki's place with someone doing that to him. His attempt was in vain, and he realized that it was useless to even try to avert his eyes from the two, because that image was already imprinted in his mind.  
He was imagining himself on Iwaizumi's couch...

_Iwaizumi._

He raised his gaze to meet his friend's, and he would have been lying if he said that finding the other already staring at him didn't make him feel somewhat agitated. Why was Iwaizumi looking at him? And with such a serious expression, no less?  
He swallowed and forced himself to look away, repeating that that wasn't a good time to reflect on his situation.

«Is nobody wondering why Matsukawa-san is aware of Hanamaki-san's weak spot? Because that's what worries me the most.» Muttered Kunimi.

Hanamaki looked at him with an amused smile, but then he was startled when Matsukawa suddenly parted his lips to bite his neck.  
Oikawa closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He didn't want to think about _that,_ anything in the world  would have been better. Maybe he had already found the answers he craved for, maybe it was because of the alcohol or perhaps he was imagining things, but the reason why he felt so weird would have to wait until the end of the night.

«Okay, that's enough!» Hanamaki put a hand on his neck, covering the offended spot, while a peaceful and innocent smile formed on Matsukawa's face. Before anyone could comment on what had just happened, Hanamaki hastened to speak. «Let's move on, okay? What was this, the sixth obligation?»  
«Yes, the sixth one,» Iwaizumi nodded.  
«Well, let's get it over with. What's the next number?»  
«One.» Kunimi picked this time.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa's performance had set aside the uneasiness that had filled the room after what Hanamaki and Oikawa had done, but when Iwaizumi read what the two were supposed to do... well, his discomfort increased a hundredfold.  
The shift in his expression was slow but radical. He widened his eyes, then blinked and shook his head slowly, as if he couldn't believe what he'd just read. The curse that slipped from his lips after that didn't even begin to express what he was actually feeling.  
He re-read it at least ten times in the space of a minute to make sure he hadn't gotten it wrong.

«So?» Hanamaki prompted him, but Iwaizumi had already raised his eyes on Oikawa.  
«Why are you looking at me like that, Iwa-chan? Do I have to worry?»

Did he have to worry? Yeah, a lot. But if it was Oikawa who had to do that obligation, why was Iwaizumi the one who was feeling so uncomfortable?

...who was he kidding, he knew the reason.

He had wanted to seek revenge, he had made up such a crazy obligation and eventually everything had turned against him. He had promised Machi that he would have kept an eye on Oikawa for her and instead he had put her brother in that situation.  
Yes, that was a plausible reason for what he was feeling. He felt that way because Oikawa was his responsibility... it had to be like that, because he couldn't find any other logical explanation for the possessiveness he had suddenly felt towards his best friend.

«Do you want to tell us what we have to do or do I have to read it on my own?»

Iwaizumi was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't even react when Hanamaki took the phone from his hand.

«For three whole minutes, you and your partner... must kiss?»

Hanamaki fell silent, his eyes still fixed on the screen while silence took over the room. When Hanamaki looked up at Oikawa, the latter found himself unable to think clearly.

_This i_ _s a joke, right?_ Yes, it couldn't be anything but a joke. Thinking of carrying out an obligation like that was surreal when, up to that moment, he had tried to avoid worrying about his issues at all costs. Sure, that was probably the perfect chance to get rid of all his remaining doubts, but once again he found himself unable to accept it lightly. Was that the reason why Iwaizumi had looked at him like that? Yeah, he was aware of what that kiss would have meant for him, but what could he do? What could he say? How should he act?

«So... what now?»

Iwaizumi's eyes widened at hearing Oikawa asking such a simple question.  
_Why aren't you refusing? What the hell is going on in your head, you idiot?_

Oikawa was seriously considering accepting the challenge to find out what it would feel like to kiss a boy, Iwaizumi knew that. He also knew that he was the one who had told him he should make his own experiences to clarify his doubts, but he didn't believe that doing that with one of their friends was the best choice!

«Oik-» He tried to call him, but the collective chatter cut him off.  
«Give me a phone, these scenes must be recorded!» Yahaba grinned and looked at his teammates, who, unlike him, seemed more shocked than Oikawa and Hanamaki were.

Kindaichi had laughed and Kunimi had seemed fascinated by idea of seeing his beloved senpais reach such a level of ridiculousness, but the fact was that none of them really believed that the kiss could actually happen.

«What do you want to do, blackmail them?» asked Watari.  
«Why not!?» Yahaba seemed convinced, but Iwaizumi silenced everyone with an icy glare.  
«If I see even one phone out, you'll have to brace yourselves for a week of hellish training.»  
«Iwaizumi, you're scaring the kids!» Hanamaki tried, but his nervous smile did nothing to ease the tension.

Oikawa looked up at the ceiling for a moment and shook his head.

«What a situation...»  
«You know why this situation is absurd? Because you haven't refused to take on the challenge yet.»  
«Shut up, Kunimi-chan! I've got enough of a headache already! If I had to drink anything else I'd throw up, but if I had to kiss Hanamaki I'd faint-»  
«Why, thank you, Oikawa! What a good friend you are!»  
«You too, Makki, shut up! I'm trying to think! Okay, in either case the outcome remains the same, so... do as you please!» He snapped, turning towards his _partner_.

Hanamaki frowned, obviously surprised to hear those words, but he wasn't the only one who was staring at Oikawa.  
Matsukawa looked doubtful, Iwaizumi astonished. They both seemed unable to believe what Oikawa had just said, but certainly not for the same reasons. In Iwaizumi's head there was only an endless series of insults and curses for how naive and reckless his best friend was.  
Kunimi was the one who asked the question that was in everyone's mind.

«What are you going to do?»

Hanamaki looked at the glasses from the previous game that were still on the table, then he looked at Oikawa. He seemed to consider the pros and cons of the choices he had, but no one knew what mental process had gone through in his head when he finally stood up. Not that Iwaizumi felt the need to know, but he was unable to look away, to comment or to even think of what was about to happen.  
Oikawa gulped, his throat suddenly dry, and he stared at Hanamaki as he towered in front of him.

«You're crazy.»  
«And so are you, considering you haven't backed down yet.» Hanamaki gave him an amused smile, but it did nothing to conceal his hesitation.  
«This thing happens and ends tonight. No remarks, it dies here and nobody will ever talk about it again,» Oikawa admonished, and Hanamaki raised his hands before nodding.  
«You don't know how much I'm okay with that, believe me.»

For a moment neither one of them said or did anything, then Hanamaki gathered his courage and took a step closer to Oikawa. He planted one knee next to Matsukawa's leg and leaned with his hand on the back of the couch to support himself, before resting the other on Oikawa's neck.  
Agreeing to do such a thing hadn't been easy, and certainly the position they were in didn't make it any easier.

«Are you really going to do it!?» Kindaichi and the others didn't seem to believe it.

Again, Iwaizumi's mind started dwelling further in all those weird, unexplained feelings that situation was causing him. He saw Oikawa's discomfort and that in itself would had been a good reason to stop them, but then his eyes moved towards Matsukawa, who was settling back on the couch to give Oikawa some space, and towards Hanamaki, now standing above his best friend.

Anger flared inside him.

He had told Oikawa to think twice before acting, not to  jump head  first into  the unknown before having a chance to  consider if it was the right thing to do ...  _That_ was wrong, everything  about it  was wrong,  along with the anxiety  he felt growing inside of him .

Oikawa had bent back so much that he was now leaning against Matsukawa's chest, the other's hands holding his hips. As Hanamaki looked down at them, Oikawa noticed the agitation in his eyes, but it was nothing compared to his own expectation and nervousness. Because... yes, he felt the adrenaline spike in his system, even though he couldn't even admit it to himself.  
He was so close... just a little more and everything would have been clear.

«Are you ready?» Hanamaki asked softly.

Oikawa took a deep breath and instinctively licked his lips, nodding.  
Hanamaki studied him for a bit longer, but when he realized that it was stupid to continue delaying the inevitable, he threw all hesitation away. His hand went up to intertwine with Oikawa's hair, then Hanamaki leaned to meet the other's mouth with his own.  
For a moment, Oikawa could only hear the appreciative whistles from his astonished friends, but everything became just a background noise when Hanamaki's tongue penetrated his lips to bring the kiss to a whole new level.

Right away he noticed that it was different from any kiss he had ever shared with a girl. The way Hanamaki's hand had gripped his hair to keep him still, the strength and fierceness he was kissing him with, even the aggressive way in which he was dictating the pace of their tongues, were things that he had never experienced. It was all so different... different and scarily fulfilling.  
He shuddered and closed his eyes to let go of himself completely, while the grip on his hair tightened and Hanamaki tilted his head so that their lips could match perfectly.  
When Hanamaki finally moved away and Oikawa reopened his eyes, he had very little time to catch his breath, because the other immediately claimed his mouth again.

This time Oikawa widened his eyes in surprise.

He had initially thought that the other would have tried to buy some time, waiting as long as possible so that the minutes could pass without them having to kiss further, but Oikawa didn't back down and closed his eyes again to be guided by Hanamaki's rhythm.

He was enjoying all of it, even the fact that he was doing it with a guy. It was good, and not weird at all. That situation was indeed driving him crazy, and he lost himself even more when Hanamaki's hand moved from his neck to his naked side.

«Who is the third wheel now?» Oikawa was startled at hearing that warm whisper.

A chill ran through his body when Matsukawa's arm tightened the grip on his waist to hold him closer and his hand slipped through Oikawa's hair to comb back his bangs.  
He was on fire. Was it because of the embarrassment? Or was he realizing that he was going insane because of the whole situation? To tell the truth, he didn't know. The only thing he was sure of, was that his doubts were turning into dangerous certainties with every kiss Hanamaki was giving him.

«Do you like it, Oikawa?» Another whisper, straight into his ear. Oikawa squeezed his eyes.

Why was Matsukawa asking him those things? Was he doing it on purpose, to embarrass him even more? If that was the reason, Oikawa could say that he was doing a damn good job.  
Hanamaki pulled away from his lips and gave him a quick look. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes bleary, but when he pounced again on Oikawa's lips, he didn't seem to have any more doubts about what he wanted... and that was true for Oikawa, too.

_More. Please._

He wanted to feel more of those new sensations, of the pleasure that was flowing through him. Everything seemed amplified, every touch sending chills down his spine. Hanamaki's fingertips felt like they were burning against his bare skin, like Matsukawa's hands as they slid on his stomach.  
He panted against Hanamaki's mouth and, in response, the boy recaptured his lips with even more emphasis.

«Answer me.» Matsukawa's tempting voice echoed again, this time against his neck.

Oikawa arched his back when Matsukawa's lips rested on his skin, and he couldn't suppress the low moan that escaped him when he felt teeth bite his shoulder.  
Everything was different, new, rewarding, almost suffocating. And the fact that Hanamaki didn't seem willing to let him breathe did nothing but enhance the pleasure.

Yes, he liked it, he liked it so much. That was what he'd always wanted.

He let out a barely audible whisper against Hanamaki's lips. Oikawa wasn't even sure if he had said _yes_ in response to Matsukawa's question, but maybe the grip on the other's thigh spoke for him. 

Only then he became aware of the voices of their teammates – Oikawa had almost forgotten they were there, lost in the moment as he was.  
He opened his eyes to see what the fuss was about, but it all happened too fast. He caught Hanamaki's gaze a second before his body was freed from the other's grip. He saw him flinch, stand up abruptly, stumble backwards over the coffee table and then fall to the ground. His friends weren't looking at him or Matsukawa, but at the person that was now standing in front of him. He saw Iwaizumi, who was giving him the coldest look Oikawa had ever seen. He noticed the anger in his eyes and finally he heard his voice. His quiet, toneless voice, in total contrast with the panic that flowed through Oikawa's body as soon as he realized what had just happened.

«I have no fucking intention of seeing you idiots have sex on my couch. This nonsense ends now.» 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We laughed so hard while writing this chapter because we really used a numbers generator for their obligations, but some were... TOO MUCH, so we had to discard them. What a pity.  
> Thanks everyone for the kudos, comments and bookmarks!  
> Anyway... IwaOi in the next chapter ♥


	5. Chapter 5

Oikawa knew that the headache he had gotten during the party because of the alcohol and all the laughing was nothing compared to what he was feeling in that very moment. He had no answer for the overwhelming questions in his mind, but he was sure about one thing.  
That night, something had changed, and not just physically.

He tightened his grip on the pillow in his arms, staring at the wall in front of him.

The house was peaceful, since most of the boys had already returned home. Even from downstairs, where Iwaizumi and Oikawa had left their other two friends, no chatter or laughter could be heard. Matsukawa and Hanamaki had probably fallen asleep already, given their conditions – which was the reason why Iwaizumi had forced them to stay for the night.

«Hm...» Oikawa buried his face in the pillow, taking advantage of Iwaizumi's absence to enjoy a moment of peace on his comfortable bed.

He could still feel shivers crossing his body just thinking about the kiss.  
If something like that had happened years ago, he would have joked about it for who knows how long, but after the conversation he'd had with Iwaizumi, he knew that it wasn't the kiss in itself to make him so restless. It was obvious that Oikawa felt nothing romantic for Hanamaki, but it was also a certainty that he had liked it.

Well, how could it be otherwise?

\- - - - -

Oikawa could have thought of a thousand excuses for what had just happened, as well as an endless string of curses towards himself, but Iwaizumi's judgemental look had frozen him in place.

«I-Iwa-c...» He hadn't had time to speak, because Matsukawa had rested his chin on Oikawa's shoulder to give Iwaizumi a sly and provocative smirk.  
«You're a killjoy, Iwaizumi,» Matsukawa had said, tightening his hold around Oikawa's body.

Oikawa had stiffened in the embrace, but what really paralysed him was the icy glance that Iwaizumi had thrown towards them.

«Killjoy? I can't even imagine your reaction when tomorrow you'll realize what you were doing. You'll thank me for this.»

Oikawa had uselessly tried to say something. Anything, even the most stupid thing would have been better than staying silent. He also should have moved away from Matsukawa's lap, but he'd found himself unable to do anything.  
To be honest, the simple notion of getting up was unthinkable.

«What the hell, Iwaizumi! Are you crazy!?» had blurted Hanamaki, stumbling to his feet and massaging his neck. More than angry, he had seemed shocked and astonished because of the other's reaction.  
«Hanamaki-san, please, try to understand his point of view. He's jealous of his husband...»

Someone had laughed at Yahaba's joke, visibly relieved that he had managed to break the atmosphere of nervousness and embarrassment that had loomed over the team for the whole obligation. Many of them had thanked Iwaizumi for his interruption, others had joked about it, but silence had taken over the room again when the vice captain had glared towards them.  
That same glare had been addressed to Oikawa, when Iwaizumi had sat on the couch next to Matsukawa with his arms crossed and an irritated frown.

\- - - - -

A frustrated hum slipped out of Oikawa's lips. Laying in bed, idly curled up on his side, certainly didn't help him stop thinking about what had happened, but he couldn't help the strange feeling that accompanied every memory.

He still couldn't believe that he had kissed Hanamaki, _a boy_. Not that he was regretting it, not at all, since he had been so blinded by his own pleasure that he'd felt completely at the mercy of the events.

«A boy...» Oikawa whispered, closing his eyes and breathing slowly to calm his heartbeat.

A kiss was just a kiss – nothing more, nothing less. He wasn't so naive as to believe that the only reason why he felt so different was because he had kissed a boy rather than a girl. It was when he had found himself unable to do anything, unable to argue because dominated by his friend's impetuousness, that he had really started to like it. For the first time, he hadn't been forced to carry on a kiss against his will, as it had always happened with his exes. For the first time, he had felt desired, wanted, and he hadn't had to put in all the effort. He had let himself go, following the pace set by Hanamaki and melting under his touches.

It all had been so different... and certainly not disgusting.

He opened his eyes when he heard the sound of footsteps in the hallway and he turned just in time to focus his attention on the handle, watching as the door opened to reveal an evidently tired and sleepy Iwaizumi.

«If you want to take a shower, you can- hey, what the hell are you doing? I thought I told you to pull out the futon!»

Oikawa only had one job to do and no, it wasn't to answer Iwaizumi, since he found himself unable to open his mouth.

Iwaizumi's hair was still wet from the shower, but he didn't seem to mind the drops running down his flushed cheeks and along his neck, making his bare torso glisten slightly before stopping at the hem of his shorts. He was looking at Oikawa with a frown, probably because of the lack of response, but... seriously, _what was his question?_

Again, Oikawa only had one job to do, and it was nothing more than to stay calm. He had to take a deep breath, swallow the lump that had formed in his suddenly dry throat and erase the crazy thought that for a moment had popped in his mind, because it was insane for him to contemplate Iwaizumi like he was the most attractive guy in the world.  
Maybe the alcohol was still affecting him, or perhaps it was the residue of what he had felt with Hanamaki, but he was deeply convinced that the strange effect that Iwaizumi was having on him wasn't normal at all.  
How many times had he already seen him like that? Things couldn't change so drastically just because maybe – well, _certainly_ , at that point – he was attracted to men.

«Are you listening to me?»

Oikawa's eyes widened at the sound of Iwaizumi's voice.

«What were you saying?»  
«I was saying... Hey, why are you hugging my pillow?»

This time Oikawa lowered his gaze on the object in question. He threw it on the bed without a second thought, as if the pillow had suddenly started to burn.

«Pillow? What pillow?» Oikawa smiled at him.

Iwaizumi sharpened his gaze to carefully study him, but shook his head when he noticed Oikawa's confused and embarrassed expression.

«So? Do you want to take a shower or not?» He asked again.  
«Yes, yes. I'm going.» Oikawa jumped to his feet. «Clothes are in the usual place?»  
«You almost know it better than me, why are you even asking that?»  
«Iwa-chan, you're so rude with your guests!»  
«It's already a miracle that I'm not making you sleep downstairs with Hanamaki and Matsukawa, you idiot! Don't you dare complain!»

Oikawa quickened his pace towards the door to exit the room, puffing his cheeks with an offended pout, but before closing it behind him, he looked back at Iwaizumi.

«Iwa-chan, we both know that you can't sleep without me by your side.» His voice and smirk were deliberately mocking.

Something bumped against the door, which Oikawa luckily managed to close in time. He laughed so hard that he was forced to cover his mouth with a hand to avoid waking up his friends in the living room, especially when he went down the stairs.  
However, as soon as the silence surrounded him, any hint of a smile disappeared from his face.

\- - - - -

Iwaizumi stared at the closed door, then looked down at the book on the ground and sighed.  
Oikawa was a master in making him go crazy, and it was actually unbelievable how Iwaizumi had managed not to hurt him permanently after all the objects he'd thrown at him in all those years.

«Idiot.» He bent down to pick up the book and placed it back on the desk.

He sat on the bed and let himself fall backward with a soft thud, his eyes fixing on the ceiling.  
He was tired, almost exhausted, but he didn't know if he had to blame mainly the lack of sleep or the events of that night.

\- - - - -

Even though he had tried to calm down – as much as he had tried to stop acting like an idiot – Iwaizumi had miserably failed.  
The team had studied him carefully, including Oikawa, and Iwaizumi had really hoped that no one was foolish enough to question his behaviour, because he knew that would have given him an excuse to start shouting at Oikawa, to tell him how stupid he had been, to ask him how he had managed to forget about where he was and with whom.

«Iwaizumi, you could have killed me!» Hanamaki had snapped, tearing Iwaizumi away from his own thoughts.  
«I can't wait for that day to come.» Matsukawa's teasing had snatched a chuckle from everyone, even though they still seemed bewildered by what had happened.

Well, not all of them.  
Probably the alcohol had finally erased Yahaba's inhibitions, or perhaps he had a death wish, since he grinned before speaking with a mocking voice.

«Hanamaki-san, is there something you want to tell us?»  
«Shut up!» In hearing Hanamaki's fast reply, the whole team had turned towards him.

Hanamaki had leaned forward, arms on his knees to hide what had caught his friend's attention.

«Mh?» Matsukawa had freed Oikawa from his grip to look at Hanamaki with an amused smile. «What is this sudden change? You didn't have such a lively reaction last time! I feel hurt!»  
«Matsukawa, I swear I'll kill you!»

Taking advantage of the discussion between Matsukawa and Hanamaki – and voluntarily forgetting about the game's rules dictated until that moment – Oikawa had stood up in order to sit down between the other and Iwaizumi on the couch.  
Iwaizumi had noticed the discomfort on his flushed face and the panic in his eyes. However, what had struck him more than anything else, was how Oikawa had silently turned towards him with the most enigmatic look he had ever seen on his face.

\- - - - -

Iwaizumi laid an arm over his eyes as a sigh escaped from his lips, breaking the silence of the room.

«How should I interpret that look, Oikawa?»

He didn't know what to think, or if it was right to trust his instinct after what it had made him do. He had felt anger, jealousy, possessiveness, disgust and who knows how many other feelings that he couldn't even recognize, in seeing Hanamaki and Oikawa kiss. Those feelings had been so overwhelming that they had obscured his rationality, making him intervene without thinking twice.

He dropped his arm on the bed and closed his eyes, just for a moment, before standing up to go take the futon from his closet. He had to keep himself busy if he wanted to stay sane.

\- - - - -

When Oikawa opened the door, he found the futon almost ready on the floor.

«Iwa-chan, I left my clothes in the hamper, is that okay?» Iwaizumi nodded absently, so Oikawa closed the door behind him and went to sit on the edge of the bed.

A cold shower and a change of clothes were exactly what Oikawa had needed to clear his mind, especially after wearing a clean t-shirt and a pair of loose sweatpants.  
He knew what he had to do and what he had to say. Or at least, he had believed that, until his mind had started revving with unnecessary observations again. First of all, he should have asked Iwaizumi to wear something, but he didn't want to look so desperate – not to mention that he had no idea how Iwaizumi would have taken his request. Secondly, he didn't even know if that was what he really wanted. He had been throwing glances at Iwaizumi for hours, sometimes even without realizing it, and to be honest he still felt uneasy after what had happened with Hanamaki and Matsukawa, and later with Iwaizumi.

He bit his lower lip and looked at his best friend as he bent over to grab something from the floor and put it on his desk, then he saw him take two empty water bottles from it and quietly exit the room.

 _Why?_ Was the first of the thoughts that echoed in Oikawa's mind. _Why me? Why did I kiss Makki? Why did I like it? Why is Iwa-chan not saying anything? Is he mad at me?_

Oikawa looked up at Iwaizumi when he re-entered the room, but quickly lowered his eyes again as the thud of the door resounded in the silence between them.  
That's what really worried him: the fact that Iwaizumi still hadn't shouted at him.

«What's up? You're strangely quiet.» Iwaizumi had probably noticed something in his friend's eyes.  
Oikawa took a deep breath before whispering, «Iwa-chan... really, I don't know what happened.»

Oikawa didn't know why, but he couldn't hold back a sigh of relief when he saw Iwaizumi roll his eyes and sigh, or a frown when Iwaizumi took a seat on the bed and stared at him with an annoyed look.

«You don't know what happened? Really? I told you to think before doing anything and instead you jumped on the first guy you found.»

Oikawa blushed at the accusation. He folded his hands on his lap and looked at Iwaizumi, luckily managing to keep a calm tone of voice despite his inner turmoil.

«It was the other way around, you know? Plus, we were playing Truth or Dare and we both know that I couldn't escape the obligation, so don't tell me that I willingly jumped into it, because it's not true.»  
«But you haven't hesitated or complained, have you?»  
«That's because...»  
«You have lowered all your defences, you don't have the faintest idea of the look you had! If I hadn't st-»  
«What kind of look?»

This time Iwaizumi was the one who stiffened in response to Oikawa's question. He sharpened his eyes on him and pursed his lips in a grimace, then he lowered his gaze. What kind of look? Well, the kind that had made him go crazy, that had shut down his rationality just because those hazel eyes were looking at someone who wasn't him.  
Iwaizumi clasped his hands together, returning to observe Oikawa. He shifted on the bed until his back touched the wall.

«Let's say...»  
«What?» Oikawa raised his eyebrows, waiting for an explanation.

It was embarrassing to talk about those things, which is why Iwaizumi had tried to pretend that nothing had happened, hoping in his heart that Oikawa wouldn't address the issue. But no, Oikawa wanted to talk about it, so who was he to deny him that moment?

 _Just for tonight_ , Iwaizumi said to himself. _You have to clear this story before you do or say something you might regret_.

«Let's say that if you and Hanamaki, and also Matsukawa, had had a bed available... probably the kiss would have been the tip of the iceberg.»

Oikawa winced, but he instinctively laughed to conceal the uneasiness that was taking hold of him.

«Come on, Iwa-chan! You're being dramatic, it was just a kiss! Not to mention that I would have never done anything with them! Wait, do you really think I could have!?»  
«I sincerely hope not.»

This time Oikawa looked hurt and shocked at the same time, but his cheeks had already taken on a bright red colour.

«Iwa-chan, you're insulting me! I, I mean... NO! I wasn't even so sure about kissing him!»

All night long, Iwaizumi had found himself staring at Oikawa, just like he was doing in that moment on his bed, but he didn't know the reason anymore. He had thought that he was just checking on his best friend or that he was trying to understand what was going through his head, but at that point he didn't know if that was really the truth.

Was he _watching over_ him or just _looking_ at him? Because Oikawa had even caught him red-handed, but he had always looked away every time they had made eye contact.

«So?» Oikawa turned towards him as soon as he heard Iwaizumi's voice, confused by his sudden and senseless question. Iwaizumi hastened to add, «Did you find the answers you were looking for?»  
«Mh.»  
«Mh?» Iwaizumi frowned. «Talk.»  
«Well, it was... more intense. Different.»  
«Different?»  
«Yeah. I would say that I had... my answers.» It was like a whisper.  
«Okay. Good.»

Silence filled the room.  
Oikawa could hear Iwaizumi's breath behind him. Turning his head slightly, he could also see that he was nervously moving his feet on the bed and tormenting his hands. The only thing that Oikawa couldn't see was his face, because Iwaizumi had pulled his legs close to his chest to rest his forehead on his knees.  
Oikawa bit his lower lip, looking up to the ceiling. Seconds ticked by, eroding his patience, until he snapped towards Iwaizumi.

«IWA-CHAN, WHY!?»

Iwaizumi raised his head and widened his eyes. Before he could say anything, Oikawa knelt in front of him, pointing his hands on the mattress. His embarrassment was evident, but it didn't stop him from shouting.

«Girls would literally fight for me, LITERALLY, but here I am, attracted to bo-»  
«LOWER YOUR VOICE, YOU IDIOT!» Iwaizumi sprang forward to put a hand on Oikawa's lips and stop that incessant flow of words, shocked and irritated that once again Oikawa hadn't realized what situation they were in. «Do you really want to be heard by Matsukawa and Hanamaki? Be quiet!»

Oikawa lowered his gaze on the hand still pressed against his mouth, but he nodded slowly when he met the other's eyes.

«Why me?» Oikawa muttered once free from Iwaizumi's hand. «Why did it happen? Not to mention that my first kiss with a boy has been with an insanely drunk Makki!»

Iwaizumi shook his head in disbelief and pulled back his hair in an almost desperate gesture. A sigh of frustration came out from his lips once he realized how odd the whole situation had become, but somehow he managed to maintain a neutral voice... at least for the first minute.

«I don't have the faintest idea, okay? I just saw my two friends kissing in my house, on my couch. Do you realize how weird that is!? Do you know how guilty I feel knowing that much of the blame is on me? Nothing would have happened if it wasn't for me and my idea of revenge. You have to understand that I have no fucking idea how I should behave! Not to mention that I don't even know why I stopped you, but I had to do it even though it was none of my business, because the more I looked at you, the angrier I felt! You're too naive, I've told you that you don't know what half-measures are and you've even had the guts to agree with me and tease me and- Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck! Why must you be such a fucking idiot!?»

Oikawa gasped, but he stared at Iwaizumi and his rosier cheeks in silence while he was continuing with his outburst. It was rare to see him rant like that.

«I know I said that nothing would change, and it didn't, believe me, but it's all so weird that it's almost hard to accept it. I've always had this image of you, and seeing it crumble in front of my eyes hasn't left me indifferent. I still hate you when you act so full of yourself, that won't change... But I saw you kissing Hanamaki, I saw how that cocky confidence that I hate so much was swept away. You rarely lower your guard like that, and when you do, it's with me. Just with me. I was... For fuck's sake, I was jealous. “ _Why is Oikawa acting this way with other people? Am I not enough? This isn't fair.”_ That's what I was thinking while I was looking at you two.»

Oikawa noticed Iwaizumi's completely red face, but he didn't have time to say anything, because Iwaizumi immediately leaned his forehead on his knees again to hide the shame.

«It's not like I wanted to be the one kissing you, I didn't want to be in his place! It's just that...»  
«It's just...?» Oikawa muttered softly, a sense of anxiety starting to rise in him.

Iwaizumi slowly raised his face. When he met Oikawa's eyes, the latter could only see a veil of embarrassment and nervousness.

«I've always assumed that I would have been the first to know anything about you. It's been like this since we were kids. I was the only one allowed to see every side of you: your smile, your tears, your anger... I know it's stupid and maybe childish, but something inside me was telling me that I would always be your number one, your best friend, the only one you could say everything to. Thinking that there might be another important person in your life, someone who could see you like I do, made me open my eyes to the truth. I know it will happen, I just have to get used to it. That's all.»  
«W-Well, at least now you know how I felt when I came to know what you were hiding from me.» Oikawa laughed, but only to conceal the panic that had suddenly taken hold of his whole body.

His heart was about to explode in his chest. It was a matter of seconds, he was sure of it – or maybe he was going to faint from the lack of oxygen first.  
During the night, Oikawa had repeatedly speculated on the meaning behind Iwaizumi's glances, but he certainly hadn't imagined something that deep.

He wasn't prepared at all, in no way whatsoever.

Oikawa had thought that Iwaizumi was irritated, he had mentally prepared himself to a scolding, but nothing could have prepared him for _that_ . He had had to pull out of Iwaizumi's mouth what he had always thought of him with an obligation and yet there they were, a few hours later on Iwaizumi's bed, with him admitting his jealousy at the idea that someone else could take his place.  
The alcohol was certainly still affecting him, but it wasn't the only thing that made Oikawa shiver. Seeing Iwaizumi at the mercy of events and unable to react, was something that he hadn't expected to see that night.

Oikawa gulped and clenched his fingers on the blanket, watching Iwaizumi's eyes dart from one point to another.

_What if..._

He realized in time what he had been on the verge of thinking, and he spoke before making the fatal mistake of waiting too much and giving a chance to his alcohol-clouded mind to clear up – because yes, he had decided that his tipsiness would have been his excuse for everything. A good, reasonable excuse.

«I... for a moment, I didn't know what I was doing. I wanted to understand what I was feeling, why I was liking it so much, but I hadn't realized what was happening. Now that I think about it, I should... thank you? For stopping us, I mean. Thoughts are stronger than anything else, you can't control them.»  
«I believe you, I know it too well,» whispered Iwaizumi, finally making eye contact with Oikawa with an expression that seemed calmer than before.  
«I'm sorry, for everything. It's embarrassing.»

_What if instead of Hanamaki..._

Iwaizumi sighed and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes. Oikawa took advantage of the moment to study every inch of his face.  
He noticed Iwaizumi's still rosy cheeks, his slow breath, then he winced when those familiar green eyes pierced him and caught him staring – but it didn't matter, because his eyes were now fixed on his lips. And maybe, just maybe, his attention remained on that spot for longer than necessary, even when Iwaizumi sighed a second time.

_What if instead of Hanamaki there had been someone else, someone for whom he felt something more..._

«It's just a kiss, and it could have happened to anyone, you know? If I had been in Hanamaki's place, I doubt I would have been able to escape the obligation, not with the team ready to pester us. Stop thinking about it, really, it's nothing. The important thing is that you've understood what you really want.»

Oikawa's mind had stopped at _"If I had been in Hanamaki's place"_ , unable to listen to anything else.

As soon as he heard those words, his head was filled with a multitude of scenarios. He saw himself again on his bed after the day he spent with Iwaizumi – the same day his theory about Oikawa's non-existent attraction to girls had come to life. He thought back to what had happened hours before, when he had looked at Iwaizumi during Hanamaki's fake confession to Matsukawa. He then recalled the uneasiness he had felt when Iwaizumi, after pushing Hanamaki away, had given him that icy glance.

Oikawa's eyes widened and he tightened his grip on the blanket. His gaze was still focused on Iwaizumi's lips.  
Suddenly, everything was clear.

«Oikawa?» Iwaizumi tilted his head slightly to meet his eyes, but Oikawa didn't move.

 _Guilty_.

He felt guilty for kissing Hanamaki and Iwaizumi's glance had made him realize how stupid he'd been. His look had made him feel uncomfortable because he knew, _he knew_ , that he shouldn't have done that. He had let himself go instead, to the point of forgetting where he was and with whom. For a moment, he had forgotten about Iwaizumi's presence.

_Iwaizumi._

The beating of his heart quickened and an invisible lump in his throat forced him to swallow. He was surprised by how sweaty his hands were.

«Hey, Oikawa? Are you there?» Iwaizumi snapped his fingers in front of his friend's eyes to reclaim his attention, in vain.

Iwaizumi's worried look, the tense smile on his lips... those lips. Oikawa's couldn't avert his eyes from them.

 _What if instead of Hanamaki there had been someone else, someone for whom he felt something more..._ Those words rang in his head again.

Oikawa knew that he didn't have any interest in Iwaizumi – not in a romantic way at least, it couldn't be possible – but his words had given birth to something in him, something that had been there for weeks, from the evening in which Iwaizumi's face had appeared in his mind when he had imagined himself kissing a boy.  
Would it have been like with Hanamaki? Better? Worse? Maybe he would have been disgusted because it was with Iwaizumi. Perhaps he would have regretted his own desire, even though-

_I want to kiss him._

«Oikawa, you're making me worry. Are you feeling sick? Did you drink too much?» Iwaizumi's hand approached his neck, just below the chin, to make him raise his face.

That hand was burning against his skin, but Oikawa didn't even have to wonder why his touches were making him shiver, since there was only one explanation that was echoing in his head.

_I want to kiss him. I want to kiss him even if it's wrong, even though I know I will regret it, but I want to kiss him, I want to kiss Iwa-chan. I want him to kiss me, I want to know why that day I thought of him, I want to know how it will be. Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me..._

«Toor-»  
«Kiss me.»

Oikawa felt like his heart was going to explode. He stopped breathing, only the heat on his face letting him know that he was still alive.  
Iwaizumi said nothing, looking at his friend with his usual worried frown, at least until he parted his lips and widened his eyes as he realized what Oikawa had said.

«What- what the fuck was in those shots!?» Iwaizumi immediately backed away from him.

Oikawa put his hands in front of him and shook his head with perhaps too much emphasis, gesturing frantically. He was sure that he was looking like an idiot, but it was already a miracle that he hadn't started screaming or running out of the room. He was laughing, but only to hide the panic.

«No! I meant... you've said that you could have been in Makki's place, right? I meant that I would have definitely preferred to kiss you rather than Makki!»  
«Liar! You clearly said _"Kiss me"_!» Iwaizumi snapped incredulously.  
«Iwa-chan, are you sure that you've ejected all the alcohol in the bathroom? You're talking nonsense!» Oikawa knew how fake his own singsong tone was.  
«Hey, Shittykawa, stop lyi-»  
«Iwa-chan, seriously, you heard me wrong!»

He wanted to disappear. He'd rather be sleeping with Matsukawa and Hanamaki in the living room, on the floor, or in the kitchen. Even in the bathroom. Any place would have been better than staying with Iwaizumi.  
With this idea in mind, Oikawa tried to get up from the bed, but Iwaizumi's grip on his wrist caught him off guard and he instinctively tugged his arm away. He was too embarrassed to face his best friend, too scared of his possible reaction.

«Oikawa...?»

Oikawa looked down and frowned.

«Hey, Oikawa.»

When he noticed that Iwaizumi was searching for his eyes, Oikawa turned away, nervously biting his lower lip.

«Are you seriously ignoring me?»

Iwaizumi had once told him that nothing would have changed between them, that regardless of his sexual preferences, he would have been by his side, because he was his best friend. Yes, he had said that, but there was no way Iwaizumi would have accepted him after what Oikawa had asked him to do. He must have felt disgusted, right?  
Well, Oikawa didn't have the time to dwell on it. Any doubt was erased by a throbbing pain when Iwaizumi headbutted him with all his strength.

«IWA-CHAN, THAT HURTS!» Oikawa cried, flopping down on the bed with his hands on his forehead. He curled up on himself and let out a frustrated sigh.  
«Then don't ignore me, Shittykawa! Learn to listen to people when they talk!»  
«But...» Oikawa looked at him with a pout, but Iwaizumi immediately silenced him.  
«No buts, you idiot!»  
«Iwa-chan, it's embarrassing!»  
«I'm the one who should feel embarrassed, you've asked me to kiss you!»  
«Don't repeat what I said!» Oikawa grabbed the pillow to throw it at Iwaizumi's face, but he dodged it and glared at him.  
«So you admit it.»  
«NO!»  
«Shittykawa... my patience has a limit.»  
«You don't even know what patience is, Iwa-chan!» Oikawa tried to kick him, but Iwaizumi grabbed him by his ankle.  
«Listen to me-»  
«I won't!»

Iwaizumi sharpened his eyes on Oikawa, visibly irritated by his behaviour.

«If you listen to me, you will-»  
«Iwa-chan, I don't want to hear you saying that you hate me!» He almost whimpered, burying his face into the mattress to avoid his eyes.  
«If you listen to me, you will know that I want to kiss you too!» Iwaizumi snapped.  
«I KNOW THAT YOU HATE ME, you don't have... to... say it...?»

Oikawa fell silent. Slowly, he turned towards him.

«What?» He was sure that he'd heard wrong.

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes and sighed, letting himself fall back on his bed with his legs crossed. He snorted and cursed under his breath, then his eyes rested on Oikawa.

«You heard me, don't make me repeat myself.» His cheeks were on fire.

Oikawa gulped and sat up on the bed, keeping a slight distance from his friend.  
He must have heard wrong, there was no other explanation. It was unthinkable that Iwaizumi had said something like that.

«A-Are you sure you're not drunk?» He muttered, almost diffident.

Judging by Iwaizumi's annoyed smile, he hadn't appreciated that remark.

«At this point I would say that we're _both_ drunk, but do you realize that you're the one who asked me to kiss you!?»  
«But... but... Iwa-chan!»

Something bloomed in him. Was it expectation? Fear? Joy? How the hell could he know!? Did he really want to spend time thinking about a stupid name for that sense of unease that was suffocating him? Because having Iwaizumi in front of him, half naked and ready to kiss him... well, he really had to worry for his mental health.

_I want to kiss Iwa-chan and Iwa-chan wants to kiss me._

Maybe Iwaizumi was right, maybe Matsukawa or Hanamaki – or both – had poured something weird in their glasses.

«So?» Iwaizumi nervously ruffled his hair.  
«So what?» Oikawa knew what Iwaizumi meant, but waited for him to say something. However, noticing that he wasn't going to speak, Oikawa looked at him with a mixture of fear and curiosity. «It's not that... It's not that you'll bite me or something, right?»

_I'm really considering doing it!?_

«Say another dumb thing and I'll send you directly to the hospital.» Despite his threat, it was clear that Iwaizumi was acting just to hide his embarrassment.

_And Iwa-chan is considering it too!?_

Oikawa raised his hands in surrender, then he rested them on his lap, rolling his eyes and looking away.

Iwaizumi had many thoughts in mind, and he couldn't deny his trepidation. He didn't know if it was right to feel that way, or if satisfying his curiosity was the right thing to do.  
The best choice would have been to get away from Oikawa, but he was serious when he said that he wanted to kiss him. He had thought about it when he had seen him with Hanamaki, when he had taken his seat next to him on the couch, and he had wanted it when Oikawa had asked him to kiss him. It had almost been a primordial desire dictated by his instinct, and if he hadn't done it yet, it was only because he had managed to have some self control.

«So... do you want to do it?» Oikawa's heart skipped a beat when he heard Iwaizumi whisper those simple words.

Yeah, that was a bad idea. A very bad idea. Yet, Iwaizumi's body moved on his own. He knelt on the bed and slowly approached Oikawa, but he stopped when he was face to face with him. He knew that his tense expression betrayed his assured gestures, but it was nothing compared to Oikawa's beet-red face. He was practically panicking, and Iwaizumi couldn't suppress a smile.

«What are you laughing at!?» snapped Oikawa, clearly offended.  
«Nothing, it's just that I feel much better knowing I'm not the only nervous one.»

Oikawa didn't seem happy at all about the answer, but he just shook his head and sighed. He didn't know how to calm his thundering heartbeat and to make it worse, he didn't know why he felt that way. This was Iwaizumi, his childhood friend, his best friend, his teammate, not just “anyone”. He should have been at ease – as much as he could, considering the situation – and instead he was melting under that gaze, one that he'd known for a lifetime.  
It was different. Not strange, not wrong, just... different. He had never felt like that before, neither with girls nor with boys.

He winced when he felt Iwaizumi's hand rest on his neck, but he didn't move away, not even when that hand trailed up on his cheek.

«Hey, Iwa-chan...»  
«What?»  
«Did you push Makki away because you were jealous of him? Did you want to be in his place?»

For a moment, Iwaizumi's grip became uncertain. Was that the reason? No, it had been more like a crescendo of factors. The alcohol, the thoughts that had crowded his mind during those two weeks, Oikawa's indecency. Not to mention the place, Oikawa's sexual preferences or how Hanamaki and Matsukawa had taken advantage of the situation.

Oikawa didn't move or say anything. He stared at Iwaizumi straight in the eye, as if he was waiting for him to make the first move.

«This is a bad idea...» Iwaizumi complained with a frown, but didn't remove his hand.  
«Would it have been different with Truth or Dare?» A nervous smile appeared on Oikawa's lips.  
«Maybe? At least I could have convince myself that I was obliged to do it.»

There was a strange tension in the air – the fear of failure, the fear of making a terrible mistake... too bad that neither of them had realized that the biggest mistake they had made had been expressing their desire to kiss each other.

«I hope you kiss better than Makki.» His tone was light, as if he was trying to dissolve some of that pressure.  
«You're still complaining about that kiss, mh?»  
«Surely I won't complain about yours.» For heaven's sake, he didn't even know where that answer had come from.

Oikawa blushed the instant he realized what he had said, but stayed silent, hoping that Iwaizumi would do the same. Thankfully, he did. They both knew that one wrong move would have meant regretting everything – especially from Iwaizumi's side.

It was so weird to see him so absorbed, so focused on scrutinizing Oikawa.

«Are you feeling nervous?» asked Iwaizumi, touching the corner of Oikawa's mouth with his thumb, before lifting his hand to brush back the bangs from his forehead in an extremely intimate gesture.

Oikawa nodded in silence, too busy trying not to die from the shame. He couldn't understand Iwaizumi's suddenly kind behaviour in his regards, but he felt like he was about to faint.  
His first thought was that he would never drink again in his life. A stupid thought, but it seemed right at the moment. The second thing that came to his mind, was that he didn't have the courage to push his best friend away.

Iwaizumi was the one who had to decide.  
To kiss him or not to kiss him? To stop before the point of no return or to throw himself in headlong? He knew that kissing him would have meant either entering a deep abyss or doing something that would drastically change his life. He just had to decide whether he was ready to make that leap or if it was better to step back.

_Step back? As if I could._

Iwaizumi didn't need unnecessary doubts, unwanted thoughts or anything else besides what he had in front of him. Oikawa was a bundle of nerves, lips parted as he was looking at Iwaizumi with eyes full of expectation. Seriously, what else did he need?

Iwaizumi took a deep breath, then returned with his hand on Oikawa's cheek. Slowly, he leaned forward to finally meet Oikawa's lips with his own, in a kiss so light, fragile and delicate that it seemed almost surreal. Just a small movement could have ended their contact, yet it was enough to make Oikawa tremble. He wasn't scared, nothing like that. His body was reacting to the tension that had built up inside of him.

When Oikawa pulled away and opened his eyes, he immediately found himself swallowed by Iwaizumi's ones.

«You taste like alcohol...» whispered Iwaizumi, and Oikawa pursed his lips into a pout.  
«It's mean to say something like that in a moment like this...» his voice barely tainted the silence.

They stayed there, facing each other, just long enough to realize what had just happened. Then... they kissed again. A chaste kiss, only an innocent touch of lips.

Iwaizumi slid both hands on Oikawa's neck and then behind his head, where he entwined his fingers in the other's hair. He gently pushed Oikawa back and made him lie down on the bed. Only then he opened his mouth and ran his tongue along Oikawa's lower lip, as if to implicitly ask him to stop thinking, to sink into the abyss with him and let every rational thought go, since the damage was already done.

Oikawa was surprised by Iwaizumi's sudden weight on him, but tilted his head and opened his mouth to blindly follow his friend's lead.

His adrenaline was skyrocketing, but it was a totally different type of high compared to the one that Oikawa had felt with Hanamaki. That kiss had been impetuous, while the one with Iwaizumi was slow and careful, far better.

It was all so new to him that he felt overwhelmed, but he didn't regret it.

He circled his arms around Iwaizumi's neck to keep him close, while the kiss proceeded with its own rhythm, its needs and its _perfection_.

Iwaizumi never hesitated. He merely sought Oikawa's tongue with slow gestures, savouring every inches of his mouth as if he was trying to get used to something he should have been familiar with. It was just a kiss, nothing more, but doing it with Oikawa couldn't be classified as something he was used to. It was a novelty, a total insanity. It was a pleasant madness. No gesture was too much, no touch unwanted. Only a kiss that neither one of them had premeditated.

Oikawa could feel his heart trying to escape through his chest. His face was ablaze and the trembling in his hands was worse than before, but he tried to hide it by tightening his grip around Iwaizumi's shoulders. He had always hated looking weak in front of other people, even in front of Iwaizumi sometimes, but relaxing was impossible in such a situation. The fact that he was liking it so much didn't help him either.

«Iwa-chan...» A soft sigh escaped against Iwaizumi's mouth, but it was soon captured by another kiss.

 _What the hell are we doing?_ Was a thought they both shared.

When Iwaizumi withdrew from Oikawa to catch his breath, neither of them said anything. They stayed still, studying each other with eyes clouded by pleasure, but when Iwaizumi realized what had just happened, the dizziness in his mind was replaced by panic.

Without thinking twice, Iwaizumi put a hand on Oikawa's face with the clear intention of choking him into the mattress. Oikawa moved his hands in front of him to push the other away, but he didn't succeed on his first attempt, so Iwaizumi took advantage of the situation and hardened his grip without saying a word.

«I-Iwa-chan!! It hurts!!» He complained. Only at his third – or was it the fourth? – attempt, he managed to grab Iwaizumi's wrist to free himself and then turn towards him. «You really know how to ruin the momen-»

He was ready to yell at him, saying how much he hated him for his sudden outburst, and he would have done it if only he hadn't found himself assaulted by so many different feelings.

«I... Iwa-chan...?»

Oikawa would have remembered Iwaizumi's ashamed expression for the rest of his life. His parted lips as he tried to calm his breath, his perplexed frown, his confused and watery eyes, which were looking at Oikawa as if he still hadn't processed what he'd done. And then there was a certain detail that was playing an important role in Oikawa's clouded mind... When the hell was Iwaizumi going to put on a t-shirt!?

 _He even dared teasing me for my kiss with Hanamaki! Does he realize how indecent_ he _looks?_

«H-Hey.» He placed both hands on Iwaizumi's shoulders with a nervous smile. «Don't look at me like that...»

Oikawa was silently observing Iwaizumi to see if he was going to regain his composure, but he was taken aback when the other grabbed him by his chin. Iwaizumi bent over him and Oikawa instinctively shut his eyes, but this time Iwaizumi stopped a few inches from his lips.

«I'm not going to jump on you.»

Oikawa didn't know whether to feel relieved or disappointed – _disappointed!?_ – as he slowly opened his eyes to look at the other from that short distance.

«I didn't say anything...» he murmured. «And even if I had wanted to, I can't even think of a right thing to say.»

Iwaizumi seemed quite satisfied with that answer, because he freed him from his grip before sitting on the edge of the bed. He rested his forehead on the palm of his hands, narrowing his eyes and sighing. Every gesture betrayed the confusion that gripped him, and Oikawa didn't like it.

«Iwa-chan?» He didn't turn around and Oikawa's worry grew stronger.

Iwaizumi huffed and ruffled his hair, then he clicked his tongue in obvious discomfort. Oikawa was already assuming the worst, especially when he tried to catch Iwaizumi's attention again, but all his doubts were put on hold when the other turned towards him with an unreadable expression. Was he smiling? Or was he upset? Oikawa found his answer when Iwaizumi put a hand on his mouth to avoid bursting out laughing in the other's face.

«Remind me to not indulge my curiosity ever again or I'll be cursed for the rest of my life.» He fell back on the bed and put an arm in front of his eyes to shield them from the light, but his lips were still curved in a smile when he whispered again, «Even though I'll be cursed in any case, after kissing my best friend to appease a senseless and childish jealousy.»

Oikawa breathed a sigh of relief. Somehow, seeing him so calm after what they did, made him relax enough to smile.  
He knelt on the bed and leaned over Iwaizumi, blocking the light from the lamp with his own head.

«Did you think I'd leave you for someone else? You know you'll always be my favourite!»

Iwaizumi pulled his arm back slightly to meet Oikawa's eyes.

«That sounds weird, you know?» He joked, extending a hand towards him.

Oikawa was about to dodge it, but he was surprised when his hand, instead of hitting him, messed up his hair with perhaps too much strength. Usually he would have complained, since Iwaizumi knew that Oikawa hated when his hair got dishevelled, but nothing came out of his mouth while Iwaizumi folded his arms behind his head.  
Iwaizumi was still studying him carefully, and for some reason, under that penetrating gaze, Oikawa found himself wanting to confess what was going on in his head.

«You know, I consider this my first serious kiss with a boy.»  
«Oh, really?» Iwaizumi didn't seem the least bit enthusiastic about it.  
«Of course! Do you think I care about the one with Makki?» He frowned in disappointment before sitting cross-legged.

Iwaizumi turned towards Oikawa with a strange, little smile on his lips.

«Bullshit.» Iwaizumi's smile broke into a grin. «You loved that kiss, your expressions are more honest than your words.»  
«He took me by surprise and you know it. Until otherwise proven, he was the one who did everything. And with everything, I mean _everything_.» He said, crossing his arms over his chest. «But I shouldn't defend myself like this, you already know that I'm right. After all, you must have watched us carefully if you remember my expressions so well.»  
«If I hadn't stopped you, terrible things would have happened on my couch!» Iwaizumi snapped, huffing in annoyance.

Oikawa looked at him with a pout on his lips, visibly offended by his insinuations.

«I couldn't even breathe! How many more times do I have to repeat that I couldn't think of anything? My head was empty! Not to mention that I didn't have much freedom of movement! Don't look at me like that, you have to believe me!!» Oikawa let out an exhausted sigh when Iwaizumi gave him a sceptical look. «I'm telling you the truth, Iwa-chan. When Makki ended the kiss for the first time, I thought it was over, but no, I was wrong. I didn't even have time to react.»

Oikawa kept his voice low, conscious that he didn't need to yell. Iwaizumi was right there, a few inches away, observing him as if he was trying to penetrate his mind and find out if what he was saying was true. But Oikawa had nothing to hide, because he knew that he was telling the truth, and Iwaizumi probably realized it too.

«I'll pretend I believe you.»  
«You don't have to pretend! Your kiss meant much more to me, especially since I imagined kissing you bef-» He suddenly stopped, a hand to his lips as if by doing so he could take his words back. Which was obviously impossible.

Iwaizumi straightened up and sat in front of Oikawa with a surprised look.

«What did you just say?»

He had felt so unconsciously at ease with Iwaizumi that he'd momentarily forgotten about the little secret that, until then, he had managed to hide. At that point, however, he knew that he had no better option than to spill everything.

«I... Do you remember when you told me I should ask myself if I'd be disgusted by the idea of kissing a guy? Well, you're my best friend and I still had your words in mind... so, long story short, since I didn't have many choices, I could- maybe, it's possible that I used you for a test? I don't know, since we are so close I thought it was norm- I MEAN, not normal because it's a natural thing to do, but it was normal to imagine you... well... it's... hard to explain.»

Iwaizumi was speechless, so much that several times he opened his mouth to speak before closing it again to avoid looking like an idiot. He frowned and stared at Oikawa for a few seconds, hoping that he had misheard him, but no. It hadn't been a delusion.

«Did you seriously use me as a guinea pig?»  
«Don't get mad, okay? I didn't do it on purpose! I was still thinking about your words and, what with one thing and another, I ended up imagin- Hey, we kissed for real, okay!? Don't look at me like I'm crazy!»

Iwaizumi was going to reply, but he had no cards to play.  
They kissed, it was true, and not because of some accident or a game, but because they had both wanted it and because Iwaizumi had taken the initiative. Maybe he could have blamed Oikawa a little for having thoughts like that, but in reality the fault lied with both of them.

Oikawa smiled when he saw Iwaizumi look away in defeat.  
If a month ago someone had told him that he'd end up kissing both Iwaizumi and Hanamaki, he would have laughed and told him to find a good doctor to cure his too vivid imagination.  
Fate really likes playing tricks sometimes, huh?

«Hey, Iwa-chan.» Iwaizumi looked up at Oikawa when he heard his name, but he frowned at seeing his friend's worried expression. «Nothing will change between us now that... well, now that we've confirmed your theory, right? Not that I'm used to the idea yet, but-»  
«Do you even have to ask? Why should it change? What kind of asshole would I be if I started avoiding you just because after all these years you've found out that you like guys? You're stupid, arrogant, narcissistic, possessive, touchy, moody-»  
«Iwa-chan, this isn't making me feel better!» Oikawa complained, but a smile appeared on his lips.  
«What I mean is, you have many faults, but loving someone is not a mistake,» he finished, his tone serious.  
«Thank you, Iwa-chan, but...» He took a deep breath and pulled himself up to a sitting position on the edge of the bed. «I mean, after what happened between us.»

Iwaizumi didn't say anything at first, letting seconds go by before speaking again.

«Oikawa...»

Receiving no response, Iwaizumi let out a sigh and got up from the bed to stand in front of him. He bent down on his legs to meet Oikawa's eyes, leaning on the other's knees to make sure that he didn't have the chance to get up and run away.

«Listen to me, Oikawa, and don't make me headbutt you again, look at me.» Those words managed to catch Oikawa's attention, a spark of fear passing through his eyes at the threat. «Too many things have happened tonight and I don't want them to leave this house. No one will say anything about any of it, not I, not you, not the team. It was just curiosity, we have satisfied it and it's over. That's all, okay?»

Despite his words, Oikawa didn't seem convinced at all, which made Iwaizumi sigh again and roll his eyes.

«It's just a kiss. Why do you have all these problems with me when you've already kissed I don't even know how many girls? Do you not trust my words when I say that everything will be fine?»  
«I trust you.»  
«Good. But this uneasiness that you're feeling could happen with Hanamaki too, don't you think?»  
«Makki is not my best friend, you're the one I really cared about,» he whispered, nervously biting the corner of his lip and averting his gaze.

Oikawa had seen the weariness in Iwaizumi's eyes, but above all, he had seen something that he would have never wanted to notice: his kindness. Not that Iwaizumi wasn't kind, maybe he was one of the kindest people he had ever known, but after what had happened, after his words, after those light touches...

«I just told you that nothing will change, everything will be like it was before. What else do you want me to say?» Iwaizumi was dead serious. If he was asking him something like that, it was because he was really interested in his answer.

An answer that Oikawa couldn't give him, because he didn't have one.

«It's because...»

_It's because your kiss was better than any other I have ever received._

Oikawa shook his head and buried his face in the palms of his hands, still tormenting his lower lip.  
He couldn't say that, he couldn't really believe that it was a normal thing to say to Iwaizumi. He would have taken him for a madman and would have had all the reasons in the world to do so.

«Listen, Iwa-chan... tomorrow we'll forget everything, okay?» He whispered with an odd tone of voice. It was clear that there was something wrong with him, even Iwaizumi had realized it as he was trying in vain to meet Oikawa's eyes, staying crouched at his feet.

Iwaizumi looked at him, observing every inch of his body and face to find something that could help him understand what Oikawa was thinking. He noticed his hands clutched into fists and how he was avoiding looking at Iwaizumi. Then he noticed his lip, tortured by his teeth. He noticed his reddened face, he felt his embarrassment, the panic, his doubts and something, finally, struck him.

He knew what was going through Oikawa's head.

The only one who still hadn't figured it out was Oikawa. He didn't know what to think, what to say, what to do, _what to want,_ while Iwaizumi stood up to sit back on the bed at his side.

«Thinking about it won't be good for any of us. I told you, what happened tonight won't leave this house.»

Oikawa nodded, but kept his eyes fixed in front of him. He couldn't suppress the sense of disgust he was feeling towards himself because of what he had in mind.

_...more._

His breathing stopped as silence fell over the room.

It was a sick idea. He needed a distraction, he had to talk, or crack a joke, anything to stop his flow of thoughts, that desire, that need-

«Hey.» Oikawa looked at Iwaizumi, without saying a word. «Whatever you're thinking about, please, tell me. Ask me whatever you want. I won't say anything rude, I promise, but please, don't just sit here in silence. I don't even recognize you anymore, Oikawa.»

Oikawa never knew what made him act that way, that night. He only knew that those words had been enough to wear down his already precarious composure.  
A moment later, his hand was already on Iwaizumi's cheek to make him turn towards him and their lips were being pressed together.

Iwaizumi didn't push him away, not surprised by that kiss. He had noticed everything on Oikawa's face, from the uncertainty in his eyes to the fear in every shiver of his body. He had also seen his entranced gaze as soon as the two had moved away from each other after their first kiss, a gaze that had caught him off guard at first.

Was he disgusted? No.  
Would he have done it again if it hadn't been for Oikawa? No, but he didn't want to reject him, not when he had seemed too terrified to even attempt explaining what he was feeling.

He accepted it. Just for that night, only because he knew everything would stay in that room and never see the light of day. He accepted it, because Oikawa needed him.  
Iwaizumi reached out and laced his fingers through his hair, this time following the rhythm dictated by his friend.

Oikawa could no longer care about anything. He didn't understand why he was doing it or why he wanted to do it, or why Iwaizumi hadn't pushed him away yet.  
He had kissed Iwaizumi almost with fear, not knowing if he would reciprocate, but when Iwaizumi opened his mouth and searched for his tongue, Oikawa set aside his fears and, with his body on fire, he tilted his head to deepen the contact.

They ended the kiss only when they found themselves in need of air. They were so close that they could hear each other's slight breathlessness.  
Iwaizumi's fingers stayed intertwined in Oikawa's hair, but after a few seconds his hands slipped from his nape to cup his cheek. He made Oikawa raise his face to study it carefully, and Oikawa's heart couldn't help but skip a beat at the image that presented in front of his eyes.

«See? It was easy.» Iwaizumi curved his lips into a little smile. Paired with his darkened eyes and his flushed cheeks, it could only be classified as the most beautiful smile that Oikawa had ever seen on him. «It's better than sitting in silence, mulling over what to do, right?»

Oikawa looked away and bowed down his head, resting his forehead on Iwaizumi's shoulder.  
Iwaizumi froze at that sudden intimacy, but didn't move away. He stayed there, motionless, waiting for Oikawa to regain his composure.

«Sorry, Iwa-chan,» he whispered.  
«Give it time and things will work out. You don't understand what's going on now, but it's only natural. Only a few weeks have passed since I gave you my opinion and only tonight you have found the answers that you were looking for.» He laughed to lighten up the tension, but Oikawa was still too lost in his own doubts.  
«I'm an idiot, right?»  
«Are you so eager to hear me say it again? No, you're not an idiot, you are just confused.»  
«Sorry if I kissed you again, I don't even know why I did it.»

Iwaizumi rolled his eyes and sighed, ruffling the back of Oikawa's hair.

«I would have pushed you away if hadn't wanted to kiss you, so stop feeling guilty. Spill everything now, because we've already decided that tomorrow everything will be back to normal. No more complaints, no more foolish and irrational actions or excuses, okay?»  
«Irrational like your jealousy?»

Oikawa jumped out of the bed just in time to escape from Iwaizumi, but when the latter saw the amused smile on Oikawa's lips, he shook his head and let it go.

«We said that no one would hold anything against the other,» Iwaizumi snapped, taking a deep breath to avoid shouting against Oikawa.  
«We also said that we would behave normally,» Oikawa grinned. «Even if everything would be different if you usually were as kind as you've been tonight!»

Something in those words captured Iwaizumi's attention. He tilted his head and sharpened his gaze on him and Oikawa couldn't help but be surprised by his intensity.

«Then I wouldn't be me,» he whispered after mentally weighting his own words. He didn't want to admit that what Oikawa said had somewhat annoyed him. «Tomorrow we'll wake up and act as we always do, you'll make your usual teasing jokes and I'll get angry because I can't stand them. This is how our relationship works, it's always been like that and always will be. We both agree that what happened tonight was unexpected, and that's the reason why we'll delete it from our minds. I've told you. I wouldn't be me... well, we wouldn't be ourselves if we behaved differently.»  
«Yeah, I know, but I won't annoy you tonight just because you did your best!»  
«Should I feel honoured?»  
«Of course! When I saw you smile like before, I thought that the planets were going to align!»

Iwaizumi looked at him in obvious irritation, but when he fell on the bed and gave his back to Oikawa, his voice was calm again.

«Well, now that I know that, I'll avoid showing you even the most sporadic smile.»  
«You're mean, Iwa-chan!»

Despite his amused smile, despite the sullen expression and even despite his sing-song tone of voice, hearing those words made Oikawa's stomach churn. He didn't know why, but he felt... sad? Yes, because Iwaizumi had waved off their kiss with a simple _"It happened, that's all"_.  
It wasn't easy for Oikawa, not when he could still remember every second of their kiss, every touch and every moment spent in his best friend's care.

_More._

He wanted to feel it again, wanted to feel appreciated, adored, _loved_.

If only he had realized that in time, maybe everything would have been different. He would have found an answer to all his doubts and questions, he would have realized that it was better to take a step back before sinking into an endless abyss.

However, like a curse, his body instinctively moved on his own.

With his eyes fixed on Iwaizumi's back, he knelt on the bed as the other turned to give him a curious look. Oikawa didn't give him any explanation, he merely placed his hand on Iwaizumi's shoulder and leaned forward to kiss him, without deepening the contact. One feeble touch that sent sparks through his whole body, even when, just as he had approached, he moved away in silence.  
Iwaizumi didn't say anything, staring at him with a calm expression, before reaching out to stroke Oikawa's face and made him lean down to kiss him again, and again.

Only for that night, for an inexplicable reason – then, with the sunrise, everything would return to normal, they would go back to being childhood friends as usual, ready to yell at each other at the first opportunity and joke about it the next instant.

Just as they had said, everything would stay amongst the walls of that room.

But... Would that even be possible? Because a kiss, despite Iwaizumi's words, meant much more than nothing. Iwaizumi knew it, and he also knew that that night they had crossed a dangerous line they should have stayed away from.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing's better than some hot makeouts and emotional turmoil ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)  
> HAPPY BIRTHDAY IWA-CHAN!


	6. Chapter 6

There was just a huge expanse of water in front of him. A dark and placid sea, even though the wind was ruffling his hair. The sand was cold under his hands, his eyes fixed on those non-existent waves, plunging over an invisible horizon in the darkness of the night.

There was nothing but total silence around him.

He embraced his own body with his arms when a cold breeze made him shiver, but it didn't last long. A sudden warmth started to expand from his shoulders when a pair of hands rested on them, then it spread on his back, his chest, his cheeks, until the heat turned into a real, burning fire.  
He tried to take a look behind himself, but couldn't. But in the end, who cared? It was a nice feeling, the warmth that the person behind him was emanating.  
He leaned back against the other's chest and closed his eyes to fully enjoy the moment, at least until a mellifluous voice, one that he knew well, whispered in his ear.

_Iwa-chan._

Iwaizumi's eyes opened wide.  
At first he didn't understand what was going on, because even though the image of the sea was still vivid in his mind, in front of him he found only the white ceiling of his bedroom.  
It took him a handful of seconds to clear his mind.

_A dream._

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to calm himself and the fast beats of his heart.

_It was just a dream._

Thinking again, he could still feel the warmth he had felt in the dream. Not that the hot weather of mid-July didn't help, but the heat in the dream had seemed so real...  
Luckily, he'd had the foresight to leave the window open before falling asleep, or he would have woken up soaking with swe-

«Iwa-chan...»

Iwaizumi froze as panic took hold of his body, his heart now back to pumping faster than before. He swallowed a couple of times to get rid of the lump in his throat and then, when he was sure he had gained enough control to avoid screaming, he turned slowly, very slowly, towards the source of the whisper that had been so close to his ear.

Iwaizumi observed the sleepy face – too close to his own, in his opinion – for a few seconds before returning to stare at the ceiling with dull eyes. He rubbed them with the back of his hand and blinked a few times, then bit his lower lip and took a deep breath. Only then he turned back towards the right side of his bed.

It wasn't a hallucination or a bad joke of his sick imagination, like he had hoped.

Oikawa was sleeping next to him with the most angelic and peaceful expression that he had ever seen on him. He was lying on his side, clinging to Iwaizumi with one arm draped over his chest. His forehead was beaded with sweat, but he didn't seem willing to wake up any time soon.

If he hadn't been too busy being in shock because of the sudden awakening, he would have punched Oikawa for sure. He would have gotten up from the bed shouting like a madman, asking him why he was sleeping in his bed and most importantly, why he was hugging him like that.  
Yeah, he would have done it, but he was still trying to figure out what was going on and so he simply returned to look at the ceiling for the third time, with his heart ready to burst at any moment.

_Think, Hajime. Think._

How had they ended up in such a weird and embarrassing situation?

First of all, trying to not wake Oikawa, he propped himself up a little to look down at their bodies. There was a thought that was ringing inside his mind louder than the others, and he was about to start panicking, but when he saw that they were both still wearing their clothes, he could breathe a sigh of relief.

One less worry. One _big_ worry.

Now he could focus on the second one: what the hell had happened?  
He sank back onto the bed, taking time to put his thoughts in order.

«Mh... Iwa-chan...» In hearing his whisper, Iwaizumi turned towards Oikawa and stared at him to see if he was waking up. Oikawa was grimacing, his brow wrinkling as he whispered Iwaizumi's name again, but he didn't seem intentioned to open his eyes soon. Iwaizumi waited a few more seconds, and when Oikawa did nothing but breathe slowly, he started to recollect what had happened the night before.

Iwaizumi remembered that Oikawa had approached him on his bed and kissed him and also that he hadn't pulled back from the kiss. He remembered how Oikawa had taken the initiative before the positions had reversed and how, in the end, they both had ended up laying on their sides, facing each other. He had memory of a second kiss, a third and... damn it, there were too many kisses in his memories and, to be honest, he didn't even want to relive them, because it would have been too hard to try and give them any sense.

He shook his head as if to drive those thoughts away. What had happen after? They'd both been tired, but hadn't he told Oikawa to go sleep on the futon? Yes... maybe. But Oikawa had been so sleepy that he'd fallen asleep next to him. Why hadn't Iwaizumi said anything, then? Well, because he'd been too tired to care.

Another murmur caught Iwaizumi's attention, and he looked at Oikawa to understand what he was doing. He had to suppress his urge to laugh when he noticed the other's concentrated expression, quite different from the irritating and mocking one he usually wore while he was awake.

Well, at least nothing irreparable had happened. Not to mention that it wasn't the first time they had slept in the same bed, even though years had passed from the last time they did so.  
He wasn't upset. Not considering the traumatic awakening, he was surprised to find himself being so cool about the whole situation.

Slowly, he wiggled out of Oikawa's grip and stood from the bed. Without Iwaizumi's body at his side, Oikawa mumbled something and frowned, but a second later he hugged the pillow with a silly smirk on his lips, still sleeping peacefully.

Iwaizumi was craving a shower, so, without even bothering to wear a shirt since he knew his parents wouldn't be back before dinner, he went to the bathroom. He took all the time he needed, enjoying the cold water and the quiet of his house before taking a pair of clean sweatpants from the pile of clothes, and only when he was ready he decided to check the situation in the living room.

The  verdict ? A disaster. Bags and bottles were everywhere, some empty and others still half-full, chip s were scattered on the floor, the couch had been moved and  the  same fate had happened to the armchair,  which was  now in the middle of the room... Had they really  made all that mess?  H e was  sure that he hadn't left the room in those pitiful condition when he had said goodnight to the others.

And speaking of others...

Iwaizumi walked over to the couch and leaned over its back.

Hanamaki was still asleep, lying in a position so unnatural that Iwaizumi wondered how that could possibly be comfortable or healthy. Not that he cared for the answer enough to actually wake him up and ask him. As long as Hanamaki was asleep, Iwaizumi wouldn't have to put up with him and his hangover.

Iwaizumi looked around with a frown, not seeing Matsukawa anywhere. He couldn't have gone home yet, because his stuff was still on the living room table, and he certainly wouldn't have left Hanamaki alone in that state. If he was already awake, there was only one more place to check.  
He retraced his steps and left the room, heading to the kitchen. Just as he had thought, he found the person he was looking for right away.

Matsukawa was leaning back against the counter with a glass of water in his hand, and he greeted Iwaizumi with a nod before yawning.  
The clock on the wall ticked past eleven, so... roughly, they had rested less than seven hours.

«Good morning... already up?» Iwaizumi approached him and opened the cupboard to get a glass, then he took the bottle that Matsukawa had pulled out of the fridge and poured himself a drink. The coldness of the glass on his lips was already a pleasure, but he felt even better when the water slid down his throat.  
«My mother woke me up,» Matsukawa whispered, eyes fixed on a spot in front of him. «I envy Hanamaki, he didn't wake up even with the phone ringing.»  
«Do you remember when last year we had to drag him out of the room during training camp? And he hadn't even been drinking, that time.» Iwaizumi smiled, already refilling his glass. With a small jump, he sat up on the kitchen counter.  
«Let him sleep. I have the feeling that, when he wakes up, he'll have the worst hangover of his life.»  
«You think that too?» Iwaizumi grinned.

With a last sip, Iwaizumi drank what was left of his water, then he turned towards the sink to put down his glass. Only then he realized that Matsukawa was looking at him with a strange smile on his lips.

«What is it?»

Matsukawa put the glass on the counter and leaned with one hand against it, eyeing the other from head to toe with now a sly grin.

«I see that your wedding night went well.»

Stirred by those words, memories of the night before started to swirl in Iwaizumi's head, but he luckily managed to stifle them before the embarrassment could betray him.  
Iwaizumi snorted and slid his hands in the pockets of his pants.

«I always sleep like this, especially when even the mere idea of putting on a t-shirt makes me sweat.»  
«Yeah, I know, at some point I even slept on the floor to find some refreshment. Anyway, is the princess still sleeping? Have you left him alone? He must be tired after what happened last night.»

Iwaizumi sharpened his gaze on the other, studying him and his clear provocation. Those stupid accusations had never irritated him, but they made him somewhat uneasy knowing that, after that night, they actually held some truth. Or maybe he was simply astonished by hearing Matsukawa call Oikawa by that stupid nickname, who knows. However, he couldn't even afford to get angry, because he didn't want to play Matsukawa's game.

«I don't think he needs a babysitter to watch over him. The more he sleeps, the better it is for my sanity,» Iwaizumi said, taking an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter and half-heartedly biting into it.  
«Is this why you let him sleep in your room?» Matsukawa didn't seem to care about the answer to what he was asking, but Iwaizumi knew him too well. He knew that Matsukawa was purposely teasing him, although he didn't understand why.  
«No...» _That was b_ _ecause I didn't want to leave him with you two after what happened_ , he thought. Instead, he found himself saying, «Because it's been like that since we were kids and I don't see what's wrong with it. It's not like we've slept together and done something weird.»

Matsukawa stared at Iwaizumi, another sly grin on his lips as he lowered his eyes and sighed.

«Iwaizumi, can I ask you a question? If it's a secret that you can't share I'll understand, but since it's our captain we're talking about, you definitely know more than us about this.»

Iwaizumi bit into the apple again and looked at the other from the corner of his eye, trying to figure out what was going through his head. He didn't like the turn that the situation was taking, but he also knew that avoiding the issue would only fuel Matsukawa's fantasies.

«What do you want to know?»  
«After last night, there's something that keeps running through my mind, though I would like to avoid asking Oikawa, because he might think I'm an idiot. Maybe you can answer me, since he tells you everything.» He put more emphasis on those words, almost imitating Oikawa's tone from the night before.  
«Stop with this nonsense. It's not true that he tells me everything, he just likes to be melodramatic,» Iwaizumi snapped, not even turning towards him.  
«Do you know if Oikawa has an interest in both boys and girls?»

This time Iwaizumi couldn't suppress the shiver that ran down his back, and he was sure that Matsukawa had noticed it. And if he hadn't noticed Iwaizumi's concern before, certainly he did when Iwaizumi lowered his arm to grip the apple with both hands, his lips tightened into a thin line.  
Somehow he knew that that question would have come out sooner or later. It was just... too soon? Yeah, and the fact that he hadn't had the time to digest all that had happened in his bedroom didn't help his attempt to address the topic clearly. And if he added to the equation that talking with Matsukawa was bringing back memories of Oikawa and Hanamaki's kiss... it wasn't easy. At all.

«I like to mind my own business, I don't know anything about that.»

Matsukawa sighed, but he looked at Iwaizumi as if he had gotten much more from those words than from a real answer. He shook his head slowly, smiling at his friend's denial.

«You know, I always thought that there was something between you and him. You're always together, always bickering and covering each other's backs when the situation requires it. It's a special bond. Don't get me wrong, I've always been joking about it, but... after seeing Oikawa last night, I wonder if I was right.»

A very different feeling made Iwaizumi's heart jump. Oikawa and him were childhood friends and it was obvious that their relationship went deeper than a simple friendship. Then why did that insinuation strike him so much? And why was he feeling as if someone had just uncovered one of his biggest secrets?

«You and Hanamaki are the ones who started calling us husband and wife, joking about our relationship, but at the cost of repeating myself for the millionth time, between me and Oikawa there's never been anything more than a deep friendship and that will never change.»

And yet, that statement left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth.  
Matsukawa shrugged and rested both hands on the edge of the counter behind him.

«You're right. If there's nothing between you two, it's better.»  
«Why are you so interested?» asked Iwaizumi, turning the apple in his hands.

He didn't like how Matsukawa was investigating thoroughly on that issue, not after he and Oikawa had been so close because of the obligations. Iwaizumi had imprinted in his mind the looks and touches they had shared, the whispered words that Iwaizumi had failed to hear.

What could Matsukawa gain from knowing that? He hadn't said anything – and he never would have, without his best friend's approval – because it was in fact a private issue, but something in Matsukawa's tone of voice, in his eyes and even in his questions, made him feel agitated.

Matsukawa didn't move. He arched an eyebrow, seeming perplexed yet calm at the same time.

«Well, I would be pleasantly surprised if he was interested in boys.»

Iwaizumi was certain that he had stopped breathing for a good few seconds, the rapid beating of his heart pulsing in his throat. His grip on the apple tightened, but he tried to relax his shoulders, silently looking at Matsukawa for a long moment before getting off the counter to go to throw the fruit in the trash bin with a soft laugh.

«You never cease to amaze me, Matsukawa. Always talking nonsense,» he whispered, turning towards him with a smile that didn't hide his panic.

That couldn't have been anything more than a bad joke, certainly.

Well, at least he hoped so.

«Does that sound so absurd?» Matsukawa still had his eyes on Iwaizumi, and he didn't seem intentioned to crack a smile or laugh.

Iwaizumi leaned with one hand against the kitchen counter, unconsciously drumming his fingers on its surface. His eyes were fixed on the floor, carefully avoiding Matsukawa's ones.

Did that sound absurd? Well, yes! In a month, it was the second time that a friend had told him about his sexual preferences.

Iwaizumi closed his eyes, trying to suppress his slowly growing headache. He hadn't even been awake for an hour yet and he was already being forced to face one problem after another. It was already hard to manage Oikawa alone, and now even Matsukawa was testing his patience.

«Spit it out, Matsukawa... what the hell do you want?» He sure didn't like how Matsukawa was assuming that something had happened between him and Oikawa, and he couldn't bear the way he was turning all his questions around, waiting for his misstep.

Matsukawa crossed his arms over his chest and snorted a smile.

«Nothing from you, Iwaizumi. I just wanted to know what was going on, that's all. Don't you think my doubts are justified, after what happened last night? It has been a surprise, you can't deny that.»

Of course he understood him. Despite everything, however, he couldn't answer him.

«Well, let me rephrase that.» Slowly, Iwaizumi approached Matsukawa and stopped in front of him. Although the other had a few inches on him, Iwaizumi didn't seem intimidated at all. He gave him an irritated look, his voice almost a hiss, «What do you want from Oikawa?»

This time it wasn't a smile that graced Matsukawa's lips, but a more pronounced grin. It was as if he could read Iwaizumi's mind, as if the other was an open book to him and he could perfectly see through his lies and vain attempts to appear indifferent.

«Before I answer you, I'll ask you again: is there something going on between you and him?»

He had tried to hide those doubts from himself, ever since he had woken up next to Oikawa. In the end it was proven useless, because the river of thoughts and memories that Iwaizumi had tried to lock away finally overflowed.

Was there something between him and Oikawa? Maybe not like Matsukawa was implying. Yet, he'd be a liar if he said that there was absolutely nothing, because the night before, something had actually happened. They had known each other for years, they were best friends and they knew everything about each other. Well, at least the important things. They had an unbreakable bond that had even made him feel real jealousy, a bond that had dragged him into that series of events that had found its climax in his own room, on the same bed where the cause of all his doubts was still sleeping.

_Is there_ _something between us?,_ he found himself wondering, keeping his eyes steady on Matsukawa.

«No.» He didn't know whether the answer was for himself or for his friend. Despite everything, he couldn't hide his uncertainty, manifesting itself in a frown. «Nothing... nothing like that.»  
«Iwaizumi, I want to be honest with you, so maybe you'll be honest with me too.» Matsukawa sighed and combed his hair back. «I am interested in Oikawa.»

It was like throwing himself under a cold shower after being under the sun for hours.

Interested? Like... _interested_ in him? As a boy? A lover? No, it was unthinkable. Not because such a thing was impossible, but because he just couldn't believe that the world could be so cruel as to make him face a similar talk after what had happened. What had he done to deserve it?

«I don-» Iwaizumi fell silent, luckily realizing just in time what he had been about to say. He looked away, leaning against the nearby table.  
«Iwaizumi, come on. Let's not make a drama out of this, we're not children. I don't hide my preferences and I'm not ashamed of them, but because of my shenanigans with Hanamaki it always looks like a big ambiguous joke. I usually don't really mind, but I'm dead serious right now. And no, Hanamaki is only into girls, I know what you're thinking about.»  
«Oh, really? I was having some doubts.»  
«Anyway, to be perfectly clear, I like boys and I'm pleasantly surprised by how Oikawa reacted yesterday. Not to mention that I'm not blind and neither are you, at least you'll be honest enough to admit that Oikawa's appearance is something that doesn't go unnoticed.»

Iwaizumi's eyes were on Matsukawa, but his attention was focused on something else, on everything that had happened between the guy in front of him and Oikawa. The way Matsukawa had acted with his best friend throughout the night suddenly started to make sense.

He wasn't angry, because he didn't have a reason to. He was just confused. He had never thought that Matsukawa would be hiding something like that and having to face him after what Iwaizumi and Oikawa had shared wasn't easy at all. In other circumstances, he would have also supported his friend, but they were talking about Oikawa, not just anyone.

_What Oikawa and I have shared..._

He felt his face get warmer with embarrassment, so much that he had to look away to avoid Matsukawa's eyes.

«So... suddenly you're attracted to him? He's been your friend for three years, you know that?»

Matsukawa shook his head, his eyes fixed on Iwaizumi without any uncertainty. He was watching him with a chilling calm and perhaps that was the only reason why Iwaizumi wasn't completely freaking out yet.

«It's not like I hadn't noticed him before, but he's always been surrounded by girls. Do you think I'm the kind of guy who would fall for someone unattainable? To be honest, I'm not even the kind of guy who would usually fall for someone, but I can appreciate a fine looking guy when I see one and Oikawa is absolutely part of that category.»

Anything Iwaizumi wanted to tell him seemed inappropriate or childish. How should he even react to such statements? Again, he found himself cursing Oikawa, because everything would have been much easier if it had been about another person. He didn't even know why he hated the thought of seeing the two of them together. Was it because it was Matsukawa? Or was it the idea that Oikawa could find a guy that could take his place? And if that was the case... what the hell was he thinking? It was obvious that Oikawa would have eventually found someone.

Iwaizumi crossed his arms over his chest, looking down before sighing and shaking his head slowly. His mind was going awry and he knew that he would have gone mad soon if he didn't find a way to escape that conversation.  
Just what he needed first thing in the morning! It would have been much better if he'd stayed in bed. Yes, with Oikawa. He would have been easier to manage compared to Matsukawa.

«Iwaizumi...» Iwaizumi looked up when Matsukawa called him. «For the last time, is there something I should know?»

Maybe he should have told him what had happened, just to get that weight off his chest after the night he had, and maybe begin to shed light on that situation; telling him about Oikawa's doubts wouldn't have hurt anyone and that way they would have had someone else to help them figure out that mess. He knew that would have been the best thing to do, because, even though he had promised to never talk about it again, it was hard to keep it a secret, almost impossible.

Yeah, that's what he should have done, but he didn't.

He was ashamed to have kissed Oikawa, but he'd liked it. He couldn't just blame the adrenaline or the alcohol for that, and he couldn't tell himself that he'd simply wanted to help Oikawa understand what he was feeling.  
But those weren't the only reasons why Iwaizumi didn't want to answer the other's question. He didn't say anything because the one who was asking it was Matsukawa, the same person who had just confessed to be interested in his best friend.

«Last night we've talked, Oikawa and I. About what happened, his reactions, what he thought of it and everything else. I know that you already have your theories about the whole situation, but I'm not going to confirm or deny anything. If you want the truth, you'll have to ask Oikawa. I'm only asking you not to flirt with him, Matsukawa. Please.»

«Are you asking me for his own good... or for yours?»

The way he felt his stomach twist was enough of an answer for what that question had sparked in him, but before he had the time to answer, a thud from the hallway – followed by a muffled string of curses – attracted their attention.  
Iwaizumi didn't know why he felt so relieved, but he surely thanked the timing, since that got him the perfect excuse to escape from that inquiry.

He felt Matsukawa's gaze on his back as he walked outside the kitchen, an unspoken judgement for his cowardice, but Iwaizumi didn't care about it. He wasn't ready for that talk, not when he still didn't know what the hell was going on between him and Oikawa.

And speaking of Oikawa...

«What happened?»

When Iwaizumi turned towards the stairs, he tried really hard to maintain his composure and not laugh – unlike Matsukawa, who, once reached his friend into the hallway, burst out laughing.

Oikawa was lying at the foot of the stairs with a pained expression. Judging by the noise they had heard and his suffering grimace, he must had made quite a tumble.  
Feeling their eyes on him, Oikawa slowly sat up, glaring at his two friends with an annoyed frown.

«What are you looking at?» He muttered hoarsely. «My head is about to explode...»

Iwaizumi sighed and shook his head, approaching Oikawa with an amused smile. He crouched down, looking at him straight in the eye.

«Everything alright? Are you the same stupid and irritating guy as always? The fall hasn't worsened your already non-existent normality, right?»  
«Very funny, Iwa-chan.» Oikawa's pout made Iwaizumi smile even more, but he said nothing as his best friend tried to get back on his feet with a precarious balance. Oikawa was in fact forced to stretch out a hand to grab the stairs' railing, while he massaged his forehead with the other. «I'll never drink again, I swear.»

Iwaizumi stood back up and brought both hands on his hips, knowing that Oikawa had just said the biggest idiocy of his life.

«I don't believe you, but okay, if you say so... Do you need something for the headache?»  
«Silence. I just need this, Iwa-chan, silence.»  
«Nobody wants to scream here, we're all in your same conditions.» Oikawa turned towards Matsukawa as he heard him laugh.  
«Mattsun, I'm the one who just fell from the stairs, not you.»  
«I've already had my ten minutes in the bathroom last night, don't put me on your level,» Iwaizumi said with a shrug, looking first at Matsukawa and then at Oikawa, letting his gaze linger a bit more on his friend.

Sadistically speaking, a small part of him was glad to see him in those conditions. Well, at least he was acting as if nothing had happened between them. He had imagined a much more awkward meeting to tell the truth, instead Oikawa was too busy dealing with his hangover to think about what had happened in his bedroom. Or so it seemed, but at the moment that was enough for Iwaizumi.

«Come on, you have to drink and eat something.» Iwaizumi nodded towards the kitchen.

Oikawa just stared at him, motionless, until Matsukawa pushed him with a slap on his back.

«Don't make your husband wait, don't you see that he's already worried for you?»

Iwaizumi barely gave Matsukawa a silent glance, before looking at Oikawa again with an arched eyebrow, clearly questioning why he wasn't moving.

The reason was quite obvious, or at least it was for Oikawa.

In fact, an inner battle was taking place inside of him, making him struggle to ignore the embarrassment he felt just looking at his friend's face – the same that, until a few hours before, had been so close to his own.  
Oikawa took a deep breath, trying to put aside those thoughts that had already started to leak from the wall that he'd built around his mind. Just as he had promised to Iwaizumi.

He took too long to decide what to do, so Iwaizumi sighed with evident irritation and grabbed his wrist to drag him into the kitchen.

«Come on, let's go.»  
«Stop pulling, Iwa-chan... Why do you always have to be so rude?» mumbled Oikawa.  
«Stop complaining about everything, Shittykawa.»  
«But you're rude, I'm not complaining, it's the truth.»

Iwaizumi glanced at him, only letting him go when they reached the table. Without thinking twice, he took a clean glass from the cabinet and filled it with cold water, then he placed it on the table in front of the chair where Oikawa went to sit down.

A light sigh left the captain's lips when his dry throat finally found relief, and his eyes moved instinctively on Matsukawa when he heard him speak.

«Iwaizumi, do you mind if I take a shower? Only if it's not a problem.»

Oikawa shifted his gaze back to Iwaizumi as he nodded and started to explain where the clean towels were, then he returned to observe Matsukawa, drinking another sip of water. Matsukawa noticed Oikawa's look and smiled, winking at him before leaving the kitchen.

Oikawa didn't know why, but that gesture surprised him so much that he quickly tore his eyes away from the other, focusing again on Iwaizumi, who was now busy taking out two packets of milk bread – Iwaizumi's mother never forgot to buy some – and putting them down in front of him.

«You won't get up until you've finished these, understood? With all you've drank, you need to eat and hydrate properly.»  
«Aye!» Oikawa sighed with a little smile before grabbing a packet to open it and bite into the bread.

Oikawa didn't know whether to thank him for his kindness or make one of his usual jokes to lighten the tension, but despite everything he raised his eyes to meet his best friend's, finding Iwaizumi staring at him. Even when Oikawa looked down, he could still feel that gaze studying him. He tried in every way to ignore the uneasiness he was feeling and to behave normally, but he knew that it wasn't possible.

«Iwa-chan, I thought that even someone as rude as you had some good manners, you know? It's not polite to stare at someone while they're eating,» Oikawa pursed his lips in a pout, looking at the other with an irritated frown. All to hide the embarrassment.

If everything had been normal between them, Iwaizumi would have tried to choke him with the milk bread. In that moment, however, he could only sigh and raise his hands in surrender, moving away from the table to fill a glass of water for himself. He had no desire to argue with him, not when he could finally relax since Matsukawa was no longer there to haunt him.

_Matsukawa..._

He sat down next to Oikawa and sipped his water, eyes fixed in front of him.

He still couldn't believe the talk he had with Matsukawa; thinking back to it, it still seemed like the other had mocked him just to irritate Iwaizumi or to make him confess something about what had happened the night before with Oikawa. But from the way he had looked at him and insisted, Iwaizumi could tell Matsukawa had been sincere. It was simply hard to come to terms with it, accepting not only the idea that Oikawa could be... well, homosexual, but that Matsukawa was, too.

_Are you asking me for his own good... or for yours?_

At first he had been about to say that it was for Oikawa's good, but it sounded like a lie even to his own ears.

«Everything's fine.»  
«Mh?» Iwaizumi turned towards Oikawa, not understanding what he was saying.

Oikawa didn't even look at Iwaizumi as he chewed and swallowed the last piece of bread, before starting to eat the second one.

«I said: everything's fine. We promised to act as if nothing happened, right? So don't think too much about it.»

Iwaizumi was astonished by how calm he seemed.

«Ah, no... actually, I was thinking about something else.» He knew that in saying so, Oikawa would have become hopelessly intrigued by what was going on in Iwaizumi's mind, so he hastened to add, «Anyway, are you even human? A sauna would have made me sweat less than sleeping next to you.»

Oikawa's eyes widened, then he sharpened them on Iwaizumi, almost offended by his words.

«Oh, really? Well, sorry if I'm so _hot_ even while sleeping, but if someone has to complain, it's me. All you do is toss and turn in the bed! It's your fault if I slept badly,» Oikawa said acidly, finishing the second milk bread.  
«Oh, you slept badly? When I woke up, I couldn't even move from how blissfully you were sleeping! I'm the one who's slept badly!» snorted Iwaizumi, continuing to sip from the glass of water without looking at the other.

He couldn't look at Oikawa for only one reason: because that was a huge lie. Slept badly? Yeah, sure. Apart from the sweat, he had woken up even too well rested.

«You never complained when we were kids! And if it's too hot, you should buy an air conditioner next time. Don't blame your poor best friend.»

Iwaizumi's heart skipped a beat when he heard _"next time"_ , but the irritation he felt for being blamed as the only guilty party in the room overtook his embarrassment.

«You should have slept on the futon, not in my bed!» He hissed, turning towards Oikawa to meet his eyes. He knew that his cheeks had taken rosier tones, but he chose to ignore it.

Oikawa drank his glass of water in one gulp and placed it back on the table, then folded his arms and turned towards Iwaizumi with a pout.

«It was more comfortable!»  
«Then don't complain about how I sleep! And it's not true that I toss and turn in bed!»  
«Haven't you ever noticed? In addition to the snoring, you didn't know that you move so much?» asked Oikawa with feigned innocence, but the grin on his lips betrayed him.

Iwaizumi couldn't believe his ears. Without thinking twice, he reached out and squeezed Oikawa's cheeks between his thumb and index.

«Look who's talking! You're the one who snores, you idiot!»  
«I don't shnore-» mumbled Oikawa.  
«The hours of sleep I've lost in all these years could say otherw-»

They were interrupted by a noise coming from the hallway, as if something had fallen on the floor.  
Iwaizumi winced and leaned towards the door, trying to see what had caused the noise, but all he saw was an empty plastic bottle on the floor. He frowned and looked at Oikawa, who shrugged and shook his head – as much as he could, because of Iwaizumi's grip.

What the hell was that?

He freed Oikawa from his grasp, leaving the table to reach the bottle and pick it up, before Oikawa's laugh behind him got his attention.  
Iwaizumi followed his gaze towards the living room on the other side of the hallway and... well, he laughed too, so hard that he nearly choked, when he noticed Hanamaki's arm sticking out from over the back of the couch, giving them the finger.

«You're alive only because I don't have the strength to kill you...!» shouted hoarsely Hanamaki – if those garbled noises could actually be considered shouting. His own raised voice turned against him though, a bothered moan following his words, «What do you have to yell for!?»  
«At least someone is in a worse state than I am...» whispered distractedly Oikawa.

Iwaizumi noticed the amused spark in Oikawa's eyes, as he quickly reached the living room – so fast that Iwaizumi wondered if his hangover had magically passed – and leaned with his arms against the back of the couch to look at Hanamaki, who was still lying there limply.

«Makki, are you dead?»

Iwaizumi followed him, but unlike Oikawa, he just looked down at his friend, crouching at his side to shield him from the light that was filtering through the windows.

«I hate you, Oikawa,» Hanamaki muttered with his face buried in a pillow. He tried to kick the other blindly, but he barely lifted his leg before lowering it again with a sigh of frustration. He probably realized that it would have costed him too much effort.  
«Do you need anything?» asked Iwaizumi, although the grin on his face was proof of how much he was enjoying the situation.  
«Yes, I want silence. I want to sleep.»  
«Have you by any chance agreed upon your answers?» Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa and then again at Hanamaki.  
«Nobody's preventing you from sleeping, Makki.»  
«Your entire existence is preventing me from doing that.»  
«Don't you think that you deserve it at least a little after what you did to me?» Oikawa pouted, moving his arm to support his chin with his hand.  
«Same goes for you.» Iwaizumi glanced at him. «You totally deserved it when you fell down the stairs.»

That seemed to attract Hanamaki's attention, because he raised his head slightly to look at the other two from the corner of his eye. He looked at Iwaizumi, then at Oikawa, then back at Iwaizumi before speaking.

«Did he really...?» he asked with a low voice, his lips tilting up in a tired smile.  
«He did.»  
«Didn't you want to sleep?» Oikawa's tone was more embarrassed than annoyed.  
«Mh... now I'm not sure...»

Oikawa was about to retort, but the steps behind him caught his attention. Both Iwaizumi and Oikawa looked back to see Matsukawa entering the room, his hair still damp from the shower.

«What did I miss?» He stared at the two, then reached Oikawa to look down at Hanamaki. «Oh, you're finally awake?»  
«Iwaizumi told me that Oikawa fell down the stairs, is it true?» Hanamaki murmured, holding up his head to meet Matsukawa's eyes. Apparently that was the only thing that had gotten Hanamaki's interest, to the point of overcoming his hangover.

Matsukawa grinned and was about to answer him, but Oikawa elbowed his side before he could open his mouth. To Hanamaki, that seemed to suffice as a confirmation, because he immediately started laughing before sinking his face into the pillow again.

«I can go back to sleep now...» he muttered against it.  
«After teasing me, you don't deserve to go back to sleep!» Oikawa complained.

But Hanamaki didn't seem willing to answer him, choosing to just lie on the couch in total silence.

«Hanamaki, don't you dare go back to sleep now that you're awake. Get up.»  
«Iwa-chan, it's useless... I think he died again.» Oikawa snorted a grin in his direction.  
«If he doesn't get up within half an hour, try pushing him on the floor.»

Iwaizumi glanced up at Matsukawa when he heard him say those words. Half an hour? He had no intention of waiting for so long, not when the room was a complete mess.  
For this reason Iwaizumi walked around the couch and stopped in front of Hanamaki, looming over him from above.

«Hanamaki, get up now.»

In response, he only got a lament.

«Makki, you better get up or Iwa-chan is gonna kill you.» Oikawa laughed, and Matsukawa seemed already anticipating what was about to happen. He knew Hanamaki well enough to know that he wouldn't wake up even under the threat of torture.  
«Hanamaki, seriously, get up. We have to clean the house.» A groan of protest, and Iwaizumi let out a tired sigh. «Yes, we'll do it together, I have no intention of cleaning everything up by myself.»  
«Iwa-chan, can you actually translate those incoherent noises? You really are both cavemen.»

Oikawa instinctively stepped back with a grin when Iwaizumi glared at him, going to hide behind Matsukawa.

«Five more minutes...» murmured softly Hanamaki, tightening the grip on the pillow in his arms.  
«Oikawa, why don't you try to convince him? He seemed to like your attentions last night.»

Oikawa raised his eyes on Matsukawa with flushed cheeks and a shocked expression, just as the latter turned towards him with an amused smile.

«Can you please stop with this story!?» snapped the captain.

Iwaizumi didn't dare say anything. He just studied Matsukawa to understand the meaning of his comment, but then he remembered that _hey,_ _it_ _'s Matsukawa,_ _h_ _e_ _'s always s_ _pew_ _ing nonsense_ _._ Then he remembered their recent conversation and his gaze sharpened further on him, to the point that Matsukawa, feeling observed, turned towards Iwaizumi.

Before they could say anything to one another, Hanamaki caught their attention again when he whispered, «Please, no... I just want to forget that, I'm traumatized.»  
«Makki, come on, get up.»  
«Hanamaki, this is your last warning-» but Iwaizumi didn't even finish his sentence, seeing Hanamaki press his face into the pillow to block out his voice. «Oh, you want to play this game? You asked for it, then.»

Oikawa clearly saw the anger in Iwaizumi's eyes and how his hands tightened the grip on his hips. The worst thing though? The creepy smile on his lips when he took a step towards the couch and yanked the pillow from the other's hands.  
Hanamaki, who'd been lying on his side facing the back of the couch, rolled towards Iwaizumi to try and take back his soft shield. Iwaizumi took advantage of his exposure to grab Hanamaki by his waist and, with an annoyed click of his tongue, he threw him onto his shoulder.

A surprised gasp escaped from Hanamaki's lips when he realized what had just happened.

«I warned you,» snorted Iwaizumi.

Hanamaki's eyes widened and he looked up at his two friends in a silent call for help, but Iwaizumi had already started walking towards the door and before Oikawa and Matsukawa could say anything, the other two had already disappeared in the hallway.

They stayed there, staring at the door, then they slowly turned towards the other with astonished looks, until Oikawa laughed and Matsukawa followed him. Their mirth didn't last long though, cut off by a sharp cry erupting from the bathroom, followed by the sound of water running in the shower.

«Iwa-chan is torturing him...» whispered Oikawa.  
«Mh, I don't know. Hanamaki can be really annoying when he wants to, maybe it's the other way around.»  
«Oh, no. Believe me. If Iwa-chan wants to make you pay for something, he will. In any way possible. He hates not being listened to.» This time Oikawa's laughter hid a bit of nervousness, in memory of some events.

Too many times Iwaizumi had taken his revenge on Oikawa when he had pretended not to hear him just to irritate him. When they were kids he wouldn't care, continuing with his childish act, but growing up, Iwaizumi's paybacks had become... _too much_ , so he had decided to stop. He wasn't masochistic enough to keep teasing the same person who had been able to throw him in the snow, with only his pyjamas on, just because he had tossed his shoes outside the house as a prank.

He shuddered, thinking back to his fever that had lasted a whole week. At least, during that same week, Iwaizumi had tried to make amends in every possible way, showing Oikawa the kindness that he usually kept well hidden from him.

«Does this situation amuse you so much?» Oikawa was surprised in hearing that question and turned towards Matsukawa.

He hadn't realized that he was smiling.

«Oh... no, I was thinking about some years ago, when Iwa-chan threw me in the snow. I only had a t-shirt and sweatpants on, but he didn't care at all! It's then that I learned that it's better to not make him angry!»  
«But you keep doing it on purpose.»  
«It's nothing compared to what I used to do to him when we were younger, believe me.»

A second cry caught again their attention and Oikawa snorted, leaning against the back of the couch before crossing his arms on his chest with a pout.

«I hope he hasn't thrown Makki in the shower, because that would mean that he'll have to lend him his clothes! I have dibs on Iwa-chan's closet, there are also some of my shirts in there and I have no intention of lending them to Makki!»

Matsukawa didn't seem to listen to those words – even though there were so many things he could have said about them – because he changed the subject, his focus on Oikawa.

«Did Iwaizumi get mad for what happened?»

Why was he asking that? Pushing aside his doubts, Oikawa shrugged.

«No, not exactly. Or at least, not like he usually does. Iwa-chan complains about a lot of things, but he rarely acts on his threats. Barking dogs seldom bite, right?»  
«Really? You two are like husband and wife, are you sure he hasn't laid claim to his territory?»

Oikawa frowned before snorting, annoyed.

«No, but this joke isn't funny anymore, Mattsun.»  
«No? May I know why?» Matsukawa grinned.  
«Because we're not married, he's my best friend.»

Yeah, he was only his best friend, so why was he feeling so uncomfortable in hearing those jokes? He should have been used to them, but it was hard to act like nothing had happened, when the night before he had kissed the same person that he was now calling _"his best friend"_.

«We've known each other since we were kids, it's just the way we act, like we've always done,» Oikawa added when he noticed Matsukawa's bored expression, as if his explanation had been unnecessary, since everyone already knew that Iwaizumi and him were best friends.  
«And had he ever gotten angry because you kissed someone?»  
«No, but...»  
«Had you ever kissed a boy before last night?»

This time, Oikawa winced. He found himself at a loss for words as he stared at Matsukawa in panic, while the other didn't seem the least bit troubled by that topic.  
Oikawa gulped and licked his lips before answering firmly.

«No, of course it was my first time. I don't kiss boys so often. Why are you even asking that?»  
«It was just curiosity, nothing more.»  
«Speaking of curiosity, why did you bite me? Did you want to provoke me?»  
«I don't know what you're talking about.»  
«Liar! There's no way you forgot!»  
«If you remember so well, you can remind me what you answered me.»  
«See?! You totally remember it!»  
«Was it a yes or a no?»

Matsukawa looked at him with a deadpan expression and Oikawa couldn't help but swallow nervously, avoiding his eyes.

«I changed my mind, Mattsun. I don't want to hear a word about what happened. It's embarrassing and I don't want to be your and Makki's laughing stock.»  
«Don't worry about that.»  
«What?»  
«Never mind, Oikawa. As I said, I was just curious.»

Oikawa was about to ask what he meant, but the sound of footsteps in the hallway caught his attention. He turned just in time to meet Iwaizumi's eyes as he passed in front of the door, but he disappeared again up the stairs. No noise could be heard from the bathroom.

«Do you think he's dead?» asked Matsukawa, but Oikawa was staring at the ceiling, as if trying to figure out what was going on upstairs.

The answer came sooner than he had expected, because after less than a minute, Iwaizumi passed again in front of the door with some clothes under his arm.

«No, he's not dead, but Iwaizumi has surely thrown him under the shower,» he then whispered with a low voice, «Iwa-chan is scary...»  
«Hey.» Oikawa winced when he heard Iwaizumi's voice and saw him appear at the door, wondering for a moment if he had heard him. «Do me a favour and start cleaning the room, okay? Hanamaki has finally decided to cooperate and he's taking a shower, so I'm taking this opportunity to tidy up my room and get dressed.» After that, he left them alone again.

Oikawa was about to thank the heavens for that assigned task – anything to distract him from his talk with Matsukawa – when they heard Iwaizumi's whisper just before he disappeared behind the door to go upstairs. Knowing him, Oikawa was certain that he had said it without thinking, but... to him, that whisper had the weight of a shout. And, unfortunately for him, to Matsukawa, too.

_«At least I don't have to wash the futon, since it hasn't been used...»_

Oikawa locked eyes with Matsukawa. He felt his heartbeat increase in speed and his throat dry up seeing the other's innocent smile turn into a sly grin. Oikawa clenched his fists and took a deep breath to try and calm down, even though the only thing he wanted to do was punch Iwaizumi and headbutt him, switching roles for the first time in their lives.

«I know what's going through your head, but no, it's not what you think.»  
«I'm not thinking anything at all. Do you have a guilty conscience, Oikawa? Did your husband finally show his cards?» Matsukawa slightly tilted his face up with a mocking smile.  
«He's not my husband, Mattsun!»  
«Did you sleep together?» He continued his questioning, his tone irritatingly calm.  
«Do you have a problem with that!?» Oikawa snapped, his face on fire. «We've done it a lot of times since we were kids!»  
«Yeah, I'll pretend that it's normal for two seventeen year old boys to sleep together.»

Oikawa was desperate. He was used to Hanamaki and Matsukawa's teasing, but it was different now. It was hard to play their game when his conscience was very, _very_ dirty.

«We were drunk and we fell asleep on his bed.»  
«What were you doing on his bed?»  
«Can you give me a break!?»

Matsukawa thought about that and for a moment Oikawa was almost grateful for that silence, but any hope vanished when Matsukawa spoke again.

«And when did he give you his clothes? Before or after doing your nasty stuff?»

A frustrated humming slipped out of Oikawa's lips.

«I took a shower and he lent me his clothes! I already told you that there are some of my shirts in his closet!»  
«You're just making things worse...» He chuckled with a sing-song voice.  
«Okay, you know what? I have no intention of hearing you make fun of me. We've been up for less than an hour and I'm already regretting opening my eyes! Now, I will exit this room, go upstairs and wear my own clothes, and when I'll see you again, we'll pretend that this talk never happened! And as punishment, you'll have to clean this room by yourself!» With this last remark, Oikawa walked towards the door.

He had just passed the threshold when Matsukawa's voice reached his ears.

«Do us a favour and don't lose too much time between stripping off and getting dressed, I don't want to hear any moaning!»

Luckily for him, Matsukawa couldn't see his face, because Oikawa knew that his face was on fire.

He climbed up the stairs as fast as he could, stopping when he reached the upper floor. He leaned against the wall and put a hand above his heart, which in the meantime had started to beat so frantically that Oikawa thought it could have burst out of his chest at any moment. He was deeply embarassed, but he didn't even know why. Yes, he and Iwaizumi had kissed, but nothing more. Like Iwaizumi had said, a kiss was nothing. Not to mention that the night before, between an obligation and another, worse things than a kiss had happened...

He took a deep breath.

_We were drunk... we were drunk and no one is going to talk about it... we were drunk, nothing more... we won't talk about it, never again..._

With this mantra in his head, he walked down the hallway towards Iwaizumi's bedroom and entered without warning, closing the door behind him with a thud.  
Iwaizumi was lying on his bed, but he sat up when he heard the door open. His cheeks were flushed, his eyes wide, but when he noticed that Oikawa was the one who had just entered, his expression relaxed a bit.

«Tell me that I didn't actually say that.»  
«Oh, you did!» Oikawa approached the other and stopped only when he was close enough that their legs almost touched. «Do you have any idea of what we'll have to suffer because of your brilliant slip-up!? And I'm warning you, it's already started!»

Iwaizumi clasped his hands in his lap as he looked at Oikawa with a worried scowl.

«Look, it wasn't my fault. I didn't say it on purpose! I've been up for... an hour, maybe? Hundred of things have already happened, I'm running out of patience and getting drenched because of Hanamaki didn't help me keep my cool,» Oikawa looked down to see that Iwaizumi's pants were, indeed, wet. «I woke up next to you, then Matsukawa started teasing me, then you started talking about yesterday, then Hanamaki... I haven't had a moment of peace!»  
«Well, thanks to you, my day is now as terrible as yours, Iwa-chan! I'm already embarrassed enough for last night, I don't need to be teased about it!» hissed Oikawa.

Iwaizumi sharpened his eyes on him with obvious irritation. How could he complain about some little dig when he had had to deal with Matsukawa and his coming out? If Oikawa had known what they had talked about, how would he have reacted?

«You're not the only one who's embarrassed for what happened, I can't stop thinking about it even for a moment!» snapped Iwaizumi, but he looked away when he realized his own confession. Realizing that he couldn't stop thinking about it was already embarrassing enough, even when they had both agreed to not talk about it ever again, let alone saying it out loud.

«Do you think it's easier for me? I can't stay calm while _someone_ knows that we slept together and is thinking who-knows-what!» Oikawa sat down on the edge of the bed with an annoyed sigh, then turned back to Iwaizumi. «It would be easier if I could act as if nothing had happened, but how can I?»

Iwaizumi looked at him, then lowered his gaze on the floor. He folded his arms and curled his lips, and Oikawa couldn't help but frown, observing with how much dedication the other was trying to think of a solution.

«Iwa-chan?»

Iwaizumi didn't answer, he only ruffled his hair and rolled his eyes before returning to look at a random spot in the room. Seriously, he looked ready to explode at any moment.

«Hey, Iwa-ch...»

Oikawa flinched when Iwaizumi suddenly got up from the bed, and when he saw him undress, lowering his sweatpants and then kicking them in the corner of the room, he felt his heart start to pulse in his ears and instinctively shifted back on the bed.

«You know what?» asked Iwaizumi, walking towards the closet to grab a t-shirt and a pair of jeans.

Oikawa immediately looked up. He didn't even realize that he had let his eyes linger on Iwaizumi's body for a little too long and he cursed himself for believing that the other had been about to do something weird.  
The fact that he had even thought about the probability that _something_ could have happened flicked a warning bell in his head.

_Damn Matsukawa and his silly insinuations!_

«W-What?» Oikawa stammered. What was he thinking!?  
«I don't care about what others say. It happened, we've slept together, so what? You've woken up with the worst hangover of your life and the night before I had drunk so much that I had to run to the bathroom to throw up. That's why it happened. It's a kiss! For fuck's sake, it's not like we had sex!»

Oikawa managed to avoid saying something absurd, because it would have been a lie if he'd said that his words hadn't touched him at all.  
Sure, they hadn't had sex, but why was Iwaizumi talking about their kiss as if he was ashamed of it?

«I mean, I got to the point of believing that Hanamaki and Matsukawa's life purpose is to make fun of us. They make up stories from anything, even when I punch you they say that I do it because we're engaged! Plus, Hanamaki was so drunk that he can't even remember what happened, and even if he could, he surely wouldn't want to talk about it.» Iwaizumi kicked the closet door shut and threw his jeans on the bed before wearing his t-shirt. He ruffled his hair, then put his hands on his hips and finally looked at Oikawa. «No one will talk about this story, I bet it will die out sooner than expected.»  
«...yeah.»

Only "yeah." He didn't say anything more, because his mind was occupied by a whirlwind of insults that he was addressing to himself.

The whole situation was getting ridiculous, he knew that.

The speed with which the events were happening must have been affecting him, because otherwise he wouldn't have known how to explain why every movement Iwaizumi made was making him feel so weird.  
He was the one who had helped him discover everything, the person who had been close to him, the one he had imagined in his fantasies and the same one that he had kissed. It was obvious that he would be affected by him because of that.

There could be no other reason.

«What is it, cat got your tongue?» Iwaizumi stared at him for a long moment, at least until he grabbed his jeans.  
«What should I tell you, Iwa-chan? I know that, you don't have to repeat it, I'm not an idiot like you.» Oikawa looked away, but glanced back at the other when he noticed that he was fixing his t-shirt over jeans. «I just hope that this story won't be treated like a stupid stage show. It's a sensitive issue, as far as I'm concerned.»  
«And so I would be an idiot, huh!?» Without warning, Iwaizumi took a step towards him and squeezed his cheeks with his hand, forcing him to raise his head so that he couldn't look away from him. When he spoke again, his voice was as grave as his gaze. «Do you think I'm taking this lightly? Do you think I'm not worried about you? Is that what you think of me after all these years?»

_I can't be feeling this way._

«Judging by your grim look, I would say that you're taking it seriously enough...» Oikawa murmured.

_It's like I'm about to burn..._

Iwaizumi didn't release him from his grip right away. For a good few seconds, he stayed where he was, frowning while Oikawa was looking at him straight in the eyes.

_Wrong. Wrong. Wrong._

That word echoed through his mind, just as it had happened the night before.  
There was a weird atmosphere in the room, an almost palpable tension that neither of them could dispel, and Oikawa was sure that Iwaizumi was feeling it too.

_What the hell is going on?_

«Well,» Iwaizumi whispered softly. He took a few steps away from Oikawa and gave him one last look. «I'll wait for you downstairs, I'm going to see if Hanamaki has destroyed the bathroom and then, maybe, I'll help Matsukawa tidy up the living room.»  
«Try not to say anything stupid and embarrassing, thanks.»  
«And you try not to make us wait for who knows how long.» With that last comment, he turned and walked out the door, leaving Oikawa alone.

Oikawa let out a sigh, only then realizing that he had been holding his breath. The moment Iwaizumi was gone, the feeling that overcame any other thought or emotion was panic.

He was freaking out, realizing how much he was already missing Iwaizumi's touch, and how his heart had started racing when he'd seen him undress. He didn't want to think about it, but he couldn't deny that suddenly his best friend was affecting him in some way. Maybe he was really being carried away by the flow of the events, or perhaps it was all caused by their deep friendship. Oikawa didn't know what to do, but he really cared for his best friend, so, maybe, what he was feeling towards Iwaizumi was now blending with the doubts going through his head about his sexuality.

Yes, maybe that was the reason.

And yet he couldn't help but shudder, thinking about the mere expectation of something like a kiss, something more than just whispers and touches.

With his best friend. With Iwaizumi.

Was he crazy? Maybe, and he couldn't care less. He only knew that he had to sort out what was going on, because it was too frustrating to live in embarrassment, wincing at every word spoken. He didn't want to run away every time someone joked about their relationship – like it had happened with Matsukawa – nor he wanted to keep choking on those feelings that overwhelmed him every time he was alone with Iwaizumi.

He had to find some answers, as soon as possible.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They are so naive, it hurts.
> 
> Thank you for all your kind words, comments, kudos and bookmarks!! We love you! ♥  
> Btw, brace yourselves for some R-18 new tags for the next update ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look! A wild tag appeared! ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Oikawa wondered how satisfying it would feel to throw his phone against the wall and watch it break into pieces. The more he looked at the flashing bar on the screen, the more he felt his anger grow, just because he still hadn't had the courage to write those words he had in mind.

A week had passed from his birthday and exactly six days from the last meeting he'd had with his friends. Six days from his fall down the stairs, from the odd questions Matsukawa had asked him and, above all, from the last time he had seen or talked to Iwaizumi.

Six days were nothing, he knew that, but for him it had seemed an eternity. He was so used to hanging out with Iwaizumi that not talking to him for days was driving him crazy.

Apart from Hanamaki's irritation and his constant pouting because of what had happened that morning in the bathroom, the day following Oikawa's birthday hadn't gone so bad. Indeed, it had gone even too well, between a quiet lunch and a refreshing ice cream.  
While Matsukawa had mocked them non-stop, asking inconvenient questions to embarrass both Iwaizumi and Oikawa, Hanamaki had had the courtesy to not bring up anything from the night before. Oikawa didn't know if that had been because he had drank too much and didn't remember or because he really preferred not to talk about it, and he _didn't want_ to know.

Regarding Iwaizumi... well, things had only gotten worse.

After their talk in the bedroom, everything had proceeded as usual. Iwaizumi had also behaved as nothing had actually happened between them, as if their talk had never occurred.

Nothing strange, seeing that that was what both Iwaizumi and Oikawa had wanted.

On their way, Iwaizumi had chatted and joked with Hanamaki and he'd even talked to Matsukawa – although Oikawa had felt some kind of tension between them that he hadn't been able to fully understand. When they had stopped for lunch, Iwaizumi had taken seat at his side without a word. Again, nothing strange. The real problems had arisen when Oikawa had noticed that Iwaizumi was doing everything to avoid his gaze. He hadn't looked at him, not even on their way home nor when Iwaizumi had bid him goodbye in front of his house.

Oikawa hadn't seen him since that day. He had written him a few messages and Iwaizumi had replied to them, but even those exchanges had somehow ended at some point, when, for the first time in their friendship, they no longer had had anything to say to each other.

_And yet there are so many things I can't understand... things that neither of us can even explain._

Oikawa sighed and draped his arm over his eyes to shield them from the moonlight that was filtering through the curtains. He dropped his other arm by his side, angrily throwing the phone on the bed where he was lying.  
He didn't have the faintest idea of what to tell him. Or rather, he knew what he had to tell him, but he didn't know how to.

A week goes by quickly when you have a full schedule that keeps you busy, but it's a very long time if you are left alone with your own mind, every minute spent thinking about something that you shouldn't try to remember. It feels even longer when you realize that, in your heart, you don't really want to forget _anything_.

He moved his arm from his eyes and opened them to stare at the white ceiling, almost jealous of its emptiness. If his mind had been blank like that ceiling, he wouldn't have been thinking so much about what had happened. Instead, he found himself reliving it second by second.

Oikawa took a deep breath and grabbed his phone, re-opening the conversation between him and Iwaizumi. Scrolling upwards and skipping the latest messages, he reached the ones from the day before his birthday.

_"Iwa-chan, what are you doing?"_  
_"I'm tidying up the house, but you can come over if you want."_  
_"I'll wait until you're done, I don't want to help you!"_  
_"Do you really think that I would force you to help me on the day of your birthday?"_  
_"Well, wouldn't you?"_  
_"Of course I would."  
_ _"That's why I'll wait!"_

Oikawa giggled.

_"You can come over now, I'm done."_  
_"Are you sure? I'm warning you, I won't help you clean up!"_  
_"You know... I think you're too grown up for a birthday party, tonight's plans are cancelled."  
_ _"DON'T BE MEAN, IWA-CHAN! I'm coming~"_

«How things can change quickly.» He murmured softly.

Too much, since in the blink of an eye he had found himself considering the idea of being interested in boys, just because of something that Iwaizumi had said. Not that he could blame him, not when he had helped him open his eyes.

It had taken him longer than expected to come to terms with it, but in the end he couldn't just keep ignoring that fact.

The kisses he had exchanged with his ex-girlfriends had nothing in common with what he had experienced with Hanamaki and Iwaizumi. To tell the truth, he couldn't believe that he hadn't thought about the possibility of being attracted to boys sooner, when he clearly wasn't interested in girls.

The kiss with Hanamaki had made his blood boil with its intensity, it had clouded his mind because it had been sudden and unexpected. But Iwaizumi's kisses? He could still feel the nervousness twisting his stomach, the need he had felt to kiss him again and again, desperate to have more because nothing would be enough to satisfy him. Iwaizumi's presence had shut down his hesitation, making him feel that their intimacy was right. Kissing his best friend had been an insane gesture, but it had also felt like that was the reason why they had been so close to each other for so long, why they had shared so many years of their lives together, side by side, as if reaching that milestone had always been their destiny. For the first time ever, he had felt complete, filled with so many emotions that... it actually scared him.

Oikawa tightened the grip on his phone. He couldn't afford the luxury of being dragged away by that flood of memories and feelings that gushed into him. He couldn't get lost in them again, like it had been happening during the past week, not when he had something more important to do.

_Things change, but only if we allow them to._

He remembered he had read it somewhere, maybe in a book or on a blog. Or was that something his sister had said when she'd left her ex-husband? Anyway, those words were perfect for his situation, and he couldn't help but repeat them in his head as he finally started to write the message.

Yes, things change, and he couldn't deny it.  
Before their kiss, before the obligations with Hanamaki, before that lazy afternoon he had spent with Iwaizumi, the same day of his own epiphany, something had definitely changed. Maybe it had happened even earlier, when he had realized that there was something wrong with his lack of feelings towards girls.

He couldn't blame Iwaizumi for not contacting him. The situation was embarrassing and difficult to deal with, but they had to do it. Now he knew that.

He took a deep breath and looked at the few letters he'd typed, then he hit send.

_"Iwa-chan?"_

He waited as he saw the message marked as read, telling himself to calm down. There was nothing to panic for.

_It's just a message. It's easier to manage than a call and it's nothing compared to talking to him face to face. I can read his message, think about an answer and respond accordingly. I can do it._

His thoughts were quickly swept away as soon as he felt his phone vibrate.

_"Hey. What's up? Something happened?"_

Oikawa frowned, not understanding the meaning of his question. However, before he could let himself get lost in useless thoughts, he asked for an explanation.

_"No. Why do you ask?"_

Somehow, the fact that Iwaizumi wasn't thinking too much about what to write was reassuring.

_"Nothing, just asking. How are you?"  
_ _"I should be the one asking you_ _that_ _, Iwa-chan. You disappeared for days."_ Not wanting to sound too whiny – unlike the usual, since most of the time he did it just to irritate his best friend – he added, _"I mean, how can you stay away from me for so long? I'm worried about your health! We both know that you can't do anything without me~"_

He turned on his side and rested his cheek on the pillow as he slid one arm beneath it, hugging it and making himself comfortable. He didn't want to let Iwaizumi know how lonely he had been feeling during the past week.

_"You know those things... wait, how are they called? Oh, right, homework. The same things that you should be doing day by day and instead you always end up finishing at the last moment. I'm not as smart as you, so I took the opportunity to catch up since it's too hot to go out."_

He didn't know whether to mock Iwaizumi for admitting that he was smart or to be disappointed because, while Oikawa had spent a hellish week with doubts as his only companions, Iwaizumi had been busy doing his homework. Like... seriously? Was that really his first concern?

_"Where is my Iw-"_

He erased the message, slightly embarrassed even if he didn't know why.

_"Iwa-chan, are you crazy? Don't strain your underdeveloped brain or you'll get a headache."  
_ _"Have you contacted me just to insult me, Shittykawa!?"_

Oikawa put down the phone and stared at the door in front of him with a serious frown, despite the joke he'd just typed.  
He obviously hadn't contacted him just for that, but it was difficult to approach the subject without the risk of creating even more awkwardness. What should he have said? _Hey, Iwa-chan. I can't stop thinking about that night even though we promised to forget about it._ Sure, good idea. That would push Iwaizumi away even more.

Hearing the phone vibrate, he raised it to look at the screen and read the new message.

_"Oikawa? Are you still there?"_

He started to write, but stopped with his thumb over the screen. His eyes read Iwaizumi's message over and over again, but his mind was elsewhere.

_Why am I doing this?_ was the first question that popped into his mind, _And why is it so hard?_

He had decided to address the situation because he knew it was the right thing to do, so why was he suddenly feeling so uncomfortable at the thought of saying what was going through his head? Sure, he was afraid of Iwaizumi's reactions to his confession, but he felt that there was more behind that. It was as if he couldn't talk because he wanted to bottle up his thoughts and memories and keep them safe, as if saying a single word out loud would have made his thoughts...

«...real,» he whispered, still staring at the door blankly.

And yet, it was already too real. Those kisses with Iwaizumi, his touches and whispers, the heat of their bodies against each other. It was the feeling of belonging there, as if that and that alone was their place, that made everything so surreal to his eyes.

Oikawa took a deep breath to clear his mind, but he was already overwhelmed, so he turned to stare at the ceiling again, while those memories acquired more power.

He didn't remember much of what had happened after he had reached Iwaizumi on his bed, but he could still remember clearly when they were lying on their sides, face to face. It was so vivid in his mind that it was like a brand still burning in his flesh, feeding off the memory of Iwaizumi's swollen and wet lips as he was trying to calm his breath.  
Oikawa had felt so embarrassed – especially when Iwaizumi's eyes had met his own between a kiss and another – that for a moment he had been reminded of his first crush. In front of him however there wasn't some thirteen-year-old girl confessing to him, but the person he had shared most of his life with.

Iwaizumi made him feel alive and wanted like he had never been in his whole life. He was the fuel that made the fire in his body grow, the reason why he was burning with desire even in that moment, alone on his own bed.

_What's wrong with me?_

He licked his lips and closed his eyes, slowly sliding his hand on his stomach as he let himself go once and for all to the memories of that night.

\- - - - -

_«Oikawa, what the hell are we doing?» Iwaizumi whispered, resting a hand on Oikawa's cheek without looking away from him.  
_ _«You're asking the wrong person,» Oikawa answered softly, lowering his eyelids to enjoy that contact that somehow calmed him as much as it made him tremble for the excitement._

_Iwaizumi's touches were like fire against his skin as he moved from Oikawa's jaw, caressing down along his neck, ghosting over his body with his fingers before finally resting them on his waist.  
_ _Iwaizumi pulled him closer, brushing their lips together one more time, the silence around them judge of all their doubtful choices._

\- - - - -

Oikawa's hand slid further down and tugged up his shirt, the tips of his fingers touching his now bare skin. He kept his eyes half-closed as his mind was reliving the events of that night.  
If he'd wanted to stop, that would have been the most appropriate time to do it.

_But do I want to stop?_

Ever since his first talk with Iwaizumi about his attraction towards girls, Oikawa had stopped himself multiple times from doing something like that. He was afraid of what he could have imagined – and especially, with whom – but now he knew what thoughts were hiding in his head. He knew that he also shouldn't have done it, but – ignoring what reason was telling him – his fingers slid lower on his abdomen, reaching the hem of his sweatpants.

\- - - - -

_Oikawa could feel his blood pulsing in his ears and he was certain that Iwaizumi could hear the frantic beat of his heart, from how close they were. He didn't know what to do or what to say as Iwaizumi gently combed his hair back and he inhaled sharply when his best friend's grip on his waist grew stronger. He didn't even notice that he was holding his breath until that moment._

_Lust and arousal clouded Iwaizumi's eyes, their foreheads pressed together. Oikawa kept silent. Iwaizumi approached him for the umpteenth kiss, but he stopped as their lips barely touched. So they stayed there, their breaths mixing, until Iwaizumi closed his eyes and kissed Oikawa again. Again. And Again. As if there was nothing wrong with what they were doing._

_As time went on, Oikawa found that he was loving those kisses which, according to Iwaizumi, should have meant nothing. They were important, not meaningless._

_To satisfy his curiosity, a single kiss should have been enough.  
_ _But t_ _o satiate the need he was desperately feeling, those kisses weren't enough at all._

\- - - - -

He bit his lower lip and let out a sigh as he palmed himself through his sweatpants. He didn't move his hand at first, especially when his phone vibrated and Oikawa turned towards it to look at the now illuminated screen.

Was Iwaizumi asking him why he wasn't answering? Or maybe someone from his team wanted to ask him something about their morning workouts. Or... well, actually, who cared? Even if he'd known, he wouldn't have stopped just to answer that message, not when his heart was already racing at the idea of what he was about to do.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, then hooked both thumbs to the hem of his sweatpants and pushed them down with his boxers. He shivered when the air caressed his bare skin, a hint of a smile already on his lips.

_There's still time to stop._

His smile blossomed into a grin. Maybe, if he had continued repeating that to himself, he would have believed his own words sooner or later.

With slow and careful movements, he slid a hand between his legs, carefully avoiding his already half-hard erection. He caressed his inner thigh with the tip of his fingers, biting back a moan when the soft touches went up and pressed on the head of his cock.  
That's how he liked it: teasing himself, enjoying every second of it without rushing.

« _Oikawa..._ »

He arched his back and pressed his feet against the mattress.

_«Oikawa...»_

His lips parted to let out a strangled noise at the memory of his name called by Iwaizumi's husky and intoxicating voice, whispered between kisses. It was more and more vivid in his mind, which was already filling with fantasies. He couldn't even tell the difference between what he'd subconsciously desired and what had really happened in Iwaizumi's room.

\- - - - -

_Iwaizumi's hand glided on his side and his uncovered skin. On any other occasion, Oikawa would have shivered for the unexpected touch, but his attention was too focused on those lips and warm breaths that made him feel alive.  
_ _He had never felt that way, but if all those breathtaking feelings were the reward after all those years spent together, his wait hadn't been in vain._

_But wait for what?_

_Wait for that night, that moment, that realization? Wait for all the pieces to fall in their place? Yes, all of that. But more than anything else, his wait had been for the unripe feelings that were choking Oikawa's heart, feelings that had always been present, although concealed before that night._

\- - - - -

Oikawa could feel his body heating up, but he just couldn't stop mixing his fantasies with the events of that night. He tried to breathe slowly, to calm down and avoid going crazy, to stop imagining his best friend while he was pleasuring himself, but it felt so damn good that he would have preferred to lose his mind permanently rather than stop the arousal that was now smothering his rationality.

He moved slowly on his cock, ghosting with the tips of his fingers on his entire length and increasing the pace every now and then to chase away the idea that it was all wrong. He didn't need it, not at that time, not when his mind was already trying to figure out how it would have felt to have another guy do it to him.

He had done it with some girls, he certainly didn't deny it, but it had never felt as good as it should have, they never gave him the same pleasure he could give himself on his own. Could a boy, however, give him that same pleasure? Would he have been able to give him more? To make him beg without restraint? Touching him, kissing and teasing him like only another guy could know how to?

He turned his face to the side to choke a moan against the pillow.

He didn't know why, but deep inside he knew that with another guy it would have been different. Better and rewarding, like the genuine excitement he'd felt in Iwaizumi's room.

Yes, it would have been... right. Right like his pounding heart, like the pleasure in which he was drowning, like those needy movements along his erection as he was trying his best to suppress his own voice and not be heard by his parents. And he was even succeeding, until his phone vibrated again – not once, not twice, but several times – and he jolted in surprise.

Oikawa's eyes fell on the phone, forgotten on the bed at his side when he had started to pleasure himself. He swallowed hard, then took another breath and grabbed the phone to see who was calling him.

_Iwa-chan._

Why was he calling? And moreover, at a time like that? He would have laughed at the timing if he hadn't been too busy clearing his throat and trying to calm his breathing, still heavy from before. It would have been smart on his part to not pick up the call and just ignore it, but something inside his hazy mind had born when he'd read his best friend's name on the screen. Plus, he couldn't not answer Iwaizumi... right? He had to, or he would have been mad at him.

«Hello?» He whispered softly.  
«Let me get this straight. You sent me messages and I answered despite the hour because I know that your sleeping schedule is messed up, but then you stop answering me all of a sudden? You're hopeless, Shittykawa. You make me want to come there just to punch you.» Iwaizumi's voice was more annoyed than angry, but Oikawa's attention had been caught by his last sentence, and the fake calm tone of voice he used before was urgently replaced with a more worried one.  
«Sorry, sorry! I didn't want to, I fell asleep!»  
«You don't sound asleep at all.»  
«Because... well, because I'm awake now, thanks to you, Iwa-chan!»

Oikawa took advantage of Iwaizumi's silence to settle down better on the bed and throw a look at his evident arousal.

Iwaizumi's call had taken him completely off guard, but he couldn't hide that the situation was a bit... strangely pleasing. He had been fantasizing about his best friend until minutes before and now he was talking to him, while his hand was still holding his throbbing cock.

How could he think that keeping up the call was the right thing to do? A moan, a deep sigh at the wrong time, and he'd be found out. That moment of fantasies would be over, and so was true for that heady pleasure, the need to be silenced to avoid being discovered. Iwaizumi was there, at the other end of the line, able to hear every noise he made, and that fact alone made him arch his back because _fuck_ , it was exciting, so exciting that he had to turn away from the phone to stifle a warm and deep whine against the pillow when he tightened the grip on his cock at those thoughts.

For a second, he almost felt like he could suffocate from the pleasure, then Iwaizumi's voice brought him back to reality.

«Already asleep, uh? It's not like you.»

For obvious reasons, Oikawa didn't want to talk more that necessary, but he didn't want the other the end the call either. Truth be told, he didn't even know what he wanted, he was only aware of how much the situation was surreal. It was the first time that the prospect of pleasuring himself was more exciting than the act itself.

«Hey, Oikawa? Are you still there?»  
«Yeah...» he breathed with a faint voice, his eyes fixed on his hand stroking his cock, the head already dripping with precum.  
«You sound weird. Is everything okay?»

Oikawa slowed his pace, only to hasten the movements on his erection a second later. He knew that, as soon as he'd stopped, the guilt for what he was doing would have dragged his sanity away, and he couldn't allow it. Not yet.

«Why do you ask, Iwa-chan?» Oikawa asked when he was sure that the haziness in his mind was gone enough that he could talk without betraying himself.

He was doing something awful towards his best friend, but he wasn't regretting it. Iwaizumi's voice was everything he needed, the only thing that could feed his arousal, and in no way possible Oikawa was ready to renounce it.

«You said I didn't keep in touch, but neither did you. And now that we're talking, it seems that your head is somewhere else. Something wrong?»

_Oh, you don't even know how right you are, Iwa-chan._

«Always complaining about something...» Oikawa huffed a smile despite everything.  
«I'm not complaining, Oikawa. I'm just worried.»

Worried? For him?

Oikawa closed his eyes, trying to breathe slowly while he slid the tip of his fingers down his erection, trembling for the pleasure when he fleetingly touched his balls.

«Oik-»  
«It's okay, Iwa-chan... Really, I was just...»  
«What?» Iwaizumi's voice was so hoarse and deep that Oikawa could almost feel his breath tickling his ear.  
«Being alone this week, helped me think.»

Oikawa's will was split in two: the half that was trying to make him stop in order to avoid any misunderstandings, and the half that wanted him to go on, because the sense of warmth that radiated throughout his body was pretty damn nice. It was as if _that night_ wasn't over yet, as if Iwaizumi was next to him and he was the one who was giving him that agonizing pleasure that was making him lose his mind.

_It's wrong._ No, it was fine.  
 _I have to stop._ No, he should have continued.

Oikawa hadn't realized that Iwaizumi hadn't been speaking until the screech of a chair at the other end of the call caught his attention. He wondered what Iwaizumi was doing, but fortunately he didn't have to wait long for an answer.

«Sorry, I closed the door. Tell me, what were you thinking about?»  
«About what has happened that night.» He didn't need to specify which one, they both knew all too well.

Another moment of silence, then Iwaizumi sighed. Even without looking at him face to face, it was easy to imagine Iwaizumi's frown and his rosier cheeks as the memories began to resurface. In his mind, it was all too clear. He could see him on his bed, leaning against the wall, his eyes staring in front of himself as he was trying to put his thoughts in order.

«We've already talked about it, why are you still thinking about that?» Even though he was covering it behind a confident voice, Oikawa noticed how tense he was.  
«Because... I don't want to pretend as if nothing has happened.»

Unlike his kisses with Hanamaki – that he had pretty much already set aside in a remote corner of his memory – those with Iwaizumi were impossible to forget. He had tried to, really, but he couldn't just shake them off. After a whole week passed trying to understand why he couldn't stop thinking about his best friend, he'd found that the reason why he didn't want to forget those kisses was simple: it had been amazing, and amazing things cannot be easily buried.

«And why, if I may ask?» Iwaizumi's apparent calm and composed voice did nothing but fuel the fire in Oikawa's chest, but he somehow managed to answer him without letting on about what he was doing.  
«I liked it and I want to remember it.» And before Iwaizumi could reply, he added, «Compared to yours, the kisses with Hanamaki were nothing.»  
«That's why I told you to forget about it. It's... not normal, Oikawa.»  
«Iwa-chan... Did you regret it so much? Because I liked it, and I'm not ashamed of what happened.» It was like any filter between his mind and his mouth was gone, letting his thoughts flow free.

Iwaizumi didn't answer right away, but Oikawa didn't panic. He couldn't care less about the possibility of saying the wrong thing anymore. Ending the call before digging his own grave further would have been the best choice, but after a week spent alone he needed Iwaizumi, he wanted to be close to him, even if only through that phone call.

«I liked it too,» Iwaizumi whispered after a while. «And that's why I want to forget it. It's not normal, Oikawa, I told you. It shouldn't have happened.»  
«And I told you that I don't regret it.»  
«Oikawa...»  
«I could never regret something that made me feel so good.» This time Oikawa knew that his voice was far more serious, but nothing mattered to him, not when he was confessing something so important.  
«And did it feel that good because you were with me or would it have been the same with anyone else?»

Oikawa gulped and looked up at the ceiling, then he placed his phone between his ear and his shoulder to free his hand.

He stayed quiet, but not because he didn't know how to answer. Indeed, he knew it too well, since he'd asked himself that same question during the past few days. It was the same answer he could have given to the question of why Iwaizumi was the one featured in his fantasies, but it made him feel so uneasy that he didn't want to think about it.

To chase away every thoughts with something more carnal, he slid his hand up under his shirt to uncover more of his skin, softly caressing his bare abdomen and his groin as he went back to dig his nails into his inner thigh. Oikawa covered his mouth with his free hand, sinking his teeth into the flesh to choke any moan as his other hand started to stroke his cock again, this time at a quicker pace.

«Answer me, Oikawa.» Iwaizumi's voice was almost a purr in his ear, and Oikawa shivered.  
«Please,» Oikawa pleaded, «Don't make me say it when you already know the answer.»  
«No, Oikawa. I don't know it, I don't know anything anymore.»

There was a sigh from Iwaizumi's side, then more seconds of silence, while Oikawa's arousal grew and clouded his mind. He wanted to hear him talk, he wanted to hear his husky voice, he needed it.

«I'm getting pathetic with this story, don't you think?» Oikawa knew that in his own words, Iwaizumi had found the answer he was looking for.  
«You have to stop thinking about that night, Oikawa.»  
«I can't, Iwa-chan.»

Oikawa was ready for anything, even a scolding for his stubbornness like his best friend had always done in those occasions, but Iwaizumi's question took him by surprise.

«What were you thinking about? Our kisses? Or when we were lying on my bed?»

His heart skipped a beat, his ears buzzing at the sudden rush of pleasure.

Iwaizumi's weight on his body and the touches of his hands, full of kindness and fear. Oikawa could clearly remember all of it, and the more he thought about it, the faster his hand moved on his erection, the rhythm now fuelled by Iwaizumi's voice.

«The kiss.» He said in a low voice after clearing his throat. «The first one you gave me.»  
«Why the first one?» His voice was flat as he was trying to sound confident, but Oikawa was sure that Iwaizumi was as tense as him.  
«Because...» Oikawa huffed a soft laugh. «Because I thought I was going to explode from how nervous I was.»  
«Just for the first one? What about the others?»  
«They caused me a lot of confusion.» He licked his dry lips. «What about you? What did you feel?»

This time, the silence between them was... different. They didn't stay quiet because they didn't know what to say or because Oikawa was too focused on pleasuring himself, none of that. Oikawa could hear the steady breathing of his best friend through the phone as he was thinking back to that night.

«The desire to do it again.»  
«W-What?» Oikawa widened his eyes in surprise, but, situation permitting, he forced himself to keep a certain dignity. «What do you mean?»  
«You asked me what I felt, and here's my answer. It made me want to kiss you again.» He recognized Iwaizumi's annoyed tone, but Oikawa's mind was too focused on his words to even think of analysing what the other was feeling at that moment.  
«Why are you saying this only now, Iwa-chan?»  
«Because we had agreed not to talk about it anymore, but you keep bringing it up and it's becoming hard to ignore it.»  
«Maybe it's because I don't want to ignore it.»  
«I get it, there's no need to repeat it.»

Oikawa let out a laugh at hearing Iwaizumi's angry voice, but it was probably what betrayed him.

When a rush of pleasure made him gasp, he didn't have the time to choke the moan because of his laughing. He turned quickly away from the phone, covering his mouth to hide another moan now caused by his agitation and trying to stifle his heavy breath. Inevitably, the phone slipped from his shoulder and fell firstly on the bed, then on the floor with a soft thud.

He had been so taken aback that, even if he could hear Iwaizumi's voice from the other end of the line, Oikawa didn't dare move before he was sure he could talk. He took long and deep breaths, until he finally retrieved the phone from the floor and cleared his throat, placing the device back at his ear.

«S-sorry Iwa-chan, I dropped the phone.»  
«Hey, you're... Oikawa, are you-»  
«It must be the fatigue, I can barely keep my eyes open.»  
«Will you list-»  
«Iwa-chan, maybe we should end-»  
«What the hell are you doing while we're talking?»

Oikawa shuddered.

It was over. The situation had completely gotten out of hand and now he had to face the consequences of his actions, but how? How could he face Iwaizumi? He would have been disgusted by him and he would have had every reasons, because let's be real. He had been pleasuring himself while on the phone with him, remembering and daydreaming about their kisses.

«Oikawa, answer me.»

He bit his lower lip and turned on his side, leaving his erection unattended to grab his pillow, where he momentarily buried his face. His arousal, his desperate need, his fogged mind by the pleasure... everything was gone and had left space for an embarrassing shame. He wanted to disappear, to end the call so he could avoid hearing Iwaizumi's voice again, but Oikawa was certain that the other would have had the courage to call him back, or even come to his house to force him to face him.

«Oikawa?»

_Enough._

«Oikawa, are you there?»

_I can't take it anymore._

«Oik-»  
«I'm sorry.» Oikawa didn't care that his voice sounded hoarse, nor he cared for the roar of his blood in his ears or the racing heart that was about to burst in his chest.  
«Please...»  
«I'm sorry, Iwa-chan.»

He tightened the grip on the pillow and on his phone.

«Please,» Iwaizumi begged again, «Tell me that you weren't doing what I'm thinking.»

_I can't. I can't do it, because it would be a lie._

«Hey, come o-»  
«It's all wrong, Iwa-chan.»

Those words were everything he needed to disband the bundle of his thoughts.  
Word after word, Oikawa finally freed himself from all the doubts that had accompanied him for the whole past week.

«I can't avoid thinking about what happened that night. I know I shouldn't give it too much importance, we were drunk and we weren't thinking about the consequences of what we were doing. We have been two idiots dragged by the flow of the events. I shouldn't even bring it up now, but I can't... I... can't stop thinking about it, because it's been the sincerest kiss that I've ever received or given, and it was... perfect. Probably because it was with you, the person I share the deepest relationship with, but I didn't expect that I-»  
«Oikawa, shut up.»

Iwaizumi's voice sounded authoritarian, managing to almost appease Oikawa and make him fall silent. However, when Iwaizumi spoke again, his heart started to pump even more frantically.

«Listen to me carefully now.» Oikawa nodded, although Iwaizumi couldn't see him. «When we kissed... I'm not saying that I regretted it, because it wouldn't be entirely true. I admit it, I thought that kissing you would have disgusted me, after all we're both guys. Then it happened, and you've crushed all my beliefs. I didn't understand why I wanted to kiss you, again and again, why touching you was so nice or why just staying there, in silence, felt like it was everything I needed. We've known each other for years and it wasn't certainly the first time that we'd been alone in my room, but that was different... and it scared me. It still scares me, because I don't know what to do with all these thoughts, and you're not helping me.»  
«Iwa-ch-»  
«I said shut up. Let me talk.»

Oikawa nodded again, but he also murmured to Iwaizumi to go on when he realized how stupid his gesture was.

«I would be lying if I said that I'm comfortable with... all this, but I suspected it would have happened at some point.» Oikawa frowned, but said nothing. «I shouldn't have asked you to ignore it, it was foolish and especially not right. To be honest, I had already realized it that night, when you kissed me again on my bed. The best thing to do would have been pushing you away and ending it there, but I couldn't. Even the next day, when we were alone in my room and we talked...»

Oikawa remembered how Iwaizumi, squeezing his cheeks, had looked at him in silence.

«Even at that moment, I realized that you just couldn't forget what had happened the night before, not when you were looking at me with those eyes full of doubts. I know you better than anyone else, remember?» A soft laugh embraced his words, but Oikawa felt his embarrassment grow. «And this is why I'm telling you that this situation doesn't surprise me... although it's weird. Damn weird.»

Oikawa turned on his back to observe the ceiling above him and sighed.

He didn't have the faintest idea of what to say. On the other side of the line, Iwaizumi was silent and Oikawa could barely hear his breathing, the only thing that confirmed that Iwaizumi was still there. Was he thinking about the situation they were in? Maybe, despite his words, he was actually regretting what he had done. Maybe he had tried to reassure Oikawa and nothing more.

«We can end the call if yo-»  
«What were you fantasizing about?»

Oikawa's eyes widened and he moved the phone away from his ear to give the screen a confused look.

Had he heard right?

He swallowed and brought it back at his ear, carefully weighing his words.

«I-Iwa-chan? Have you, by chance, gone crazy?»  
«What the hell are you talking about, you idiot?»  
«Well, that's... It's... well, you're not... angry?»  
«Why should I be?»  
«Well-»

He even had to ask!? Oikawa had imagined a lot of things, but not _that_. Had Iwaizumi really gone crazy?  
In response, a heavy sigh brought Oikawa back to reality.

«Believe me, I'm deeply uncomfortable and I'm hating you like I've never done before.»  
«Iwa-chan, you're weird.»  
«Look who's talking! How dare you!?»  
«Are you drunk? Again?»  
«Are you serious?»  
«Iwa-chan, I'm super serious!»  
«Don't force me to come to your house and kill yo-»  
«You.»  
«What are you talking about now?»  
«I was thinking about you.»

Their sporadic moments of silence were almost pleasant, now more than ever, at least Oikawa had time to sort out those few thoughts in his head. Not that there was much to sort out, since he was focused on how he was giving away his last crumbs of dignity – and Iwaizumi wasn't helping, saying those things and almost encouraging him.

At that point, Oikawa was certain that Iwaizumi wasn't the only crazy one, because... well. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, then bent his knees and opened his legs a bit wider.

If he'd been more lucid, he would have ended the call. If he'd been more lucid, he would have thought twice before doing what he was about to do, but being alone, with Iwaizumi's voice tempting him and making his fantasies into reality... in that case, the idea of ending the call was unthinkable.

He parted his lips to let out a sigh, his hand pushing his hair back from his sweaty forehead before sliding down again on his body, touching and tickling every inch of it as he went back to pleasuring himself. His breath was hot, his body shivering because of his growing arousal now that he had no more restriction.

«What exactly were you thinking about?» 

With what expression was Iwaizumi asking those questions? Was he nervous? Scared? From his warm and calm voice, Oikawa couldn't tell anything.

«You already know.»

Slowly, to satisfy the bubble of pleasure that was blurring his mind, he run his fingers lightly along his cock, torturing himself until he finally started to move on it again with a renewed, hopeless need.

«The kiss?»  
«Well, we haven't done more than that, right? Unless you took advantage of me in my sleep...» He smiled, arching his back and throwing his head back onto the pillow.  
«Have you imagined anything else?»  
«Iwa-chan, it would have been hard not to, considering the situation we were in.» He bit back a moan.

Oikawa placed his phone between his shoulder and ear again, even though he knew that by doing so the mic would have been too close, so much that Iwaizumi could have been able to hear every breath, every gasp and whine.

He wrapped both hands around his cock with a firm grip, then stroked one hand up and over the head, wet with his own precum, while the other hand reached down and across his balls.  
He had no control over his body, and he was loving it.

«And when I think I've reached the bottom with you, Shittykawa, you always manage to surprise me.»

Oikawa grinned, at the mercy of pleasure, excitement, doubts and insanity that were taking the upper-hand with each passing second. He was craving Iwaizumi's voice, hanging to his every word.

«I'm sorry, Iwa-chan.» His voice was a mess, he was well aware of that. Even if he was trying his best to suppress it, he just couldn't keep his cool. «Iwa-chan...»

For the first time, Iwaizumi's calm seemed to crumble. Oikawa understood it from the incoherent noise that rang into his ear.

«Iwa-chan... what would have happened if you hadn't stopped that night?»  
«Don't ask me these questions at a time like this.»  
«I'm asking precisely because of that. I was thinking about that possibility before, unwittingly.» His moan didn't find any restraint and Iwaizumi gasped from the other side of the line, but Oikawa kept talking. «I was thinking about that kiss, how you've touched me and...»  
«Can you at least shut your mouth!?» It wasn't an order, but a desperate plea.

His fingers pressed and moved on his erection with a pace so slow that it almost looked like a self-inflicted torture, but Oikawa was fine with it. He didn't want it to end too soon, he wanted more and more, he was dissolving into a fog of pleasure and it was fucking amazing. Iwaizumi was driving him crazy and he didn't even dare wonder why his best friend could play with Oikawa's shattered self-control like that.

«I-Iwa-chan...» He purred with a small voice. He didn't even realize when his fingers passed over his pulsing cock and ghosted over his perineum, sticky tips sensually and hungrily circling his entrance. Even if he had never done such a thing – and he was sure that it wasn't the right time to try it out – the very idea made him moan shamelessly. «I want to kiss you again...»  
«Don't talk nonsense, it's ridiculous.»  
«But it's true. I want to kiss you.»  
«And it's also true that it's ridiculous.»

_Talk to me. I want to hear you._

It was as if Iwaizumi was at his side, as if at any moment the other's body could have pressed down onto his own again, touching him and kissing him like Oikawa wanted. He had never been so aroused to actually think that his hands wouldn't be enough to make him reach the climax.

«Oikawa ...» If Iwaizumi was capable of making him shiver just by talking to him, he couldn't even think of how it would have felt like to actually be _with_ him.

He bucked his hips to meet his hand and increased his rhythm. He wanted to see that veil of pleasure darkening Iwaizumi's eyes, hear his swollen and wet lips call his name again.

«I hate you.»  
«This is not news,» Oikawa murmured.  
«Now more than ever.»

Oikawa laughed, but groaned a second later when, feeling overwhelmed by the heat that was burning inside his pelvis, he trembled.

Probably from the embarrassment, Iwaizumi shut up, but Oikawa could still hear his breathing and that was enough to make him continue. He only needed to know that Iwaizumi was still there to make him drown in pleasure, making him moan and call the other's name with such a wanton voice.

«Hey, Oikawa...» Iwaizumi's voice penetrated his mind with brutality. «Do you really like hearing my voice while you do it?»  
«Maybe?»  
«Only _maybe_?»  
«I don't know. Maybe I just like the fact that someone is hearing me.»  
«Didn't know you were into this kinky stuff.»  
«Would you like me to tell you that I like your voice?» Oikawa smiled, not even realizing how embarrassing his question was.  
«Hm. I don't know.»  
«Only _I don't know_?» Oikawa teased him.  
«It's hard to think clearly when your best friend is touching himself while speaking to you,» Iwaizumi hissed in a voice far too calm compared to his own words.

Oikawa clearly noticed when he was about to reach his limit.

He licked his lips, bit them to stifle any loud noise, arching his back and pressing his feet on the bed when his whole body started to feel intoxicated by the pleasure.  
He tightened the grip on his inner thigh, raking his nails across his skin and moaning loudly at the scratching sensation on such a sensitive area. Warmth and desire were growing inside of him, but it wasn't enough.

He wanted more.

He circled his throbbing cock with his hand and started to pump, sliding up to the head and back down to the base. His movements weren't gentle anymore, now guided by the frantic need to free his mind from that sinful mess that were his thoughts. Oikawa shuddered, gasped when his vision faded to black, leaving him breathless as he felt his climax approaching. His other hand palmed the head of his erection and squeezed, his head rolling back on the pillow when the orgasm finally hit him, making him release on the palm of his hand and over his stomach.

He closed his eyes as he continued to move slowly, until his member became so sensitive that he was forced to stop. Only then, with the phone still wedged between his shoulder and ear, with his face burning with embarrassment, he took a deep, long breath.

Silence surrounded them both. Not the comfortable silence they were used to, but one filled with guilt.

He had been so focused on what he was doing that he hadn't even realized the total lack of sound from Iwaizumi. For a moment he even thought that he had hung up, but when he looked at the screen of his phone, he saw that the call was still going.  
Oikawa gulped and took the phone back to his ear, waiting, _hoping_ , but the silence grew and so did his uneasiness.

Finally, Iwaizumi's voice resounded between them.

«What the hell are we doing, Oikawa?»

Oikawa's whole world fell to pieces.

_What are we doing?_

A simple question that was capable of making him aware of his every mistake, that made Oikawa tremble in fear when the realization of what had happened finally outclassed every other feeling.

He had let himself get carried away by the events and hadn't even thought of what he was doing. _Like always.  
_ He had left aside his common sense to jump headlong into something he couldn't handle. _Like always._

It was his fault, and yet he couldn't even find the words to say sorry to Iwaizumi. He didn't deserve that, not at all.

«Iwa-»  
«I have to go.» Oikawa winced, but before he could say anything, Iwaizumi added, «It's late, it's better if we both go to sleep now. Thinking about it now won't help anyone. Good night.»

Oikawa stayed still, looking at an undefined spot in front of him, even when he clearly heard the muffled sound of the call ending.  
He was ashamed of himself. For what he had done and fantasized about, but mainly because he couldn't help but think that it had been more exciting than anything he'd ever done in his seventeen years.

«I don't know what we're doing... I have no idea.»

He thought about Iwaizumi's question when he went to the bathroom to clean himself and take a shower, kept thinking about it when he went to bed and tried to sleep. He didn't stop when, unable to find some rest, he spent the night awake in a limbo of guilt and doubts.  
The only thing he knew was that Iwaizumi made him feel like no one else ever did.

\- - - - -

Iwaizumi didn't know how long he had been staring at his phone for, since he had ended the call. He was unable to move, to think, to do anything at all.

_What the hell are we doing?_

He sighed and threw the phone on the bed, crossing his legs and slamming his head back into the wall behind him to stare at the ceiling, trying to pretend that the buzzing in his ears wasn't caused by his pounding heart, ready to explode at any moment.

He didn't have the faintest idea of how to behave, but seriously, had he ever known? From the beginning, he had told Oikawa that nothing would change even if he was attracted to boys, and selfishly he had believed it too. But truthfully, between them, Iwaizumi was the one at the mercy of the events and didn't have anything to hold onto. He'd thought he could help Oikawa with anything, but he'd been too naive. All of his beliefs had been knocked down and he'd realized how helpless he'd always been. He'd tried to stay strong when he only wanted to scream, he'd been silent when he had a billion things to say.

What could he do, at that point? How should he face a situation that was making him lose his sanity and smothering him every time he tried to face it, without ruining his friendship with Oikawa?

_Oikawa._

Iwaizumi sighed and turned to look at the phone on the bed.

He needed to call him, right? He knew that it would have been the right thing to do, apologizing for his moment of weakness that had forced him to flee rather than face reality. He couldn't entirely blame Oikawa for that night, it was his fault too.

But what was reality? The sense of unease and disgust that was gripping his stomach, or the nausea towards himself because of the warmth he was feeling in recalling Oikawa's wanton and needy moans?

He bit his lower lip with so much strength that he tasted blood on the tip of his tongue. He closed his eyes, then he bent his legs towards himself and crossed his arms on his knees to rest his forehead on them.

_Wrong.  
_ _It was all wrong._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll go on vacation for a week, so we wanted to leave you with something juicy ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves, Mattsun is here.

«I have no idea what's going on, nor I want to know what happened between you two during the past weeks, but you're the captain and vice captain of this team and I won't tolerate such a childish attitude! You should be an example for the first and second years, guiding them through the upcoming tournament, but instead you're letting your personal problems interfere with your duties!»

In three years, Oikawa and Iwaizumi had never been scolded like that.  _Never._

The coach was giving them a stern look, but the boys couldn't help but notice that there was some concern in those words. They both knew that he was right, in fact they hadn't yet dared to say anything.

«Don't you realize that this tension will end up affecting the team? It's just a matter of time. I thought you knew that it's important to cooperate between teammates, and I don't want to think that I was wrong. You've brought me great satisfactions in these three years, I'm proud of you, and this is why I don't like to scold you for something so meaningless, but what other choice do I have?»

Oikawa's body stiffened at those words, instinctively looking at his best friend at his side. Iwaizumi, unlike him, was quietly staring at the coach with his hands clasped behind his back, carefully listening to what the older man had to say.  
Oikawa bit his lower lip with a burning pride, realizing how pathetic he looked compared to his vice-captain; not wanting to be outdone, he straightened his back, took a deep breath, then he met his coach's fierce eyes with renewed confidence.

A month had passed from the phone call that, in the end, had brought to that situation with their coach.  
The same month that had passed since the last time Oikawa and Iwaizumi had spoken to each other.

\- - - - -

The following morning, Oikawa had gotten up long before the sound of the alarm, thanks to his lack of sleeping. He had set the alarm at 7 A.M. in order to go for a run and clear his mind, willing to put in order the mess that was his mind. However, when at 5 A.M. he had found himself staring at the ceiling, turning over in his bed because of the continuous stream of memories and cursing every choice he had made the night before, he had decided to give up the idea of trying to sleep for at least an hour or two.

He had continued to think about his predicament as he dressed and even as he went out.

_Why did I do such a thing? Why am I so stupid? Iwa-chan will definitely hate me and he'll have all the reasons in the world to do so. I deserve it... although I don't regret it. It wouldn't make sense to have regrets since I can't change what's happened, right?_

Oikawa had closed his eyes for a moment to enjoy the mild morning breeze and the total absence of the scorching sun, taking deep breaths before starting the warm up. After that, he had started to run.

_Maybe I should apologize. Indeed, I should definitely do that. It wouldn't be fair if I didn't. Should I go to his place? Talking with him face to face would be nice, but also embarrassing. A phone call? No, after what happened I don't think I'll call him again any time soon. Besides, I'm not even sure if he'd answer me. Mh... a message doesn't sound so bad._

Once reached the park, he had stopped and sat on a bench to catch his breath. He had been so lost in his own thoughts that he hadn't even realized that the street lights were off, or that the sun was already lighting up every building.

How long had he been running for?

He had thrown his head back, closing his eyes for a moment to calm the frantic beating of his heart and relieve the burning feeling in his legs. Deep inside, he had been grateful to that pain, because it had helped him keep his mind away from his troubles.

Once again, he had gotten up from the bench and had started to run again.

That day, he never sent his message of apology.

\- - - - -

A few of their teammates had stayed even after practice, but none of them had dared to say a word. Only the sound of the bouncing balls occupied the sporadic silences between a reprimand and another.

«I realize that the situation is out of hand and I'm really sorry. We don't want to afflict the team with our problems, believe me.»  
«I know, Iwaizumi, but you have great responsibilities on your shoulders and you have to act accordingly. I know how much you want to play against Shiratorizawa and avenge your defeats once and for all, but it will be useless with your lack of concentration. At this rate, you will never reach them.»  
«We are perfectly aware of that.»  
«If you really were, I wouldn't have to remind you. I'll say it again: it's normal to have a quarrel, you're young, but don't bring it on the court. You can't ignore each other like that, understood, Iwaizumi?»  
«It won't happen again.»  
«Oikawa!»

Iwaizumi's voice had already captured Oikawa's attention, making him come back to reality, but being called by the coach finally made him focus on what was going on. He clenched his fists at his sides and sharpened his eyes on the man in front of him.

«I'm listening.» Oikawa's voice was full of confidence.  
«You're the captain and the setter of this team. You're the backbone of the team, the one who should lead them, but it's been a week since the end of summer holidays and your mind is still who knows where.»  
«I'm deeply sorry, it won't happen again, coach.» Oikawa bowed to him, taking the opportunity to close his eyes in an attempt to calm down and regain control of himself.  
«Settle this, in one way or another. I don't care what happened between you two, that's your own business, but you can't afford the luxury of having a conflict at such a time. In less than two month you'll face both Karasuno and Shiratorizawa.»  
«I take full responsibility for what happened. Avoiding Oikawa has been childish on my part, I should have talked to him from the beginning instead of pretending that nothing happened. We'll settle our differences so that it won't happen again. I apologize again for our behaviour.» Iwaizumi's voice resounded in the gym, echoing at an even greater volume in Oikawa's ears.

_What the hell is he talking about? Since when it's his fault? I'm the one who should apologize!_

Despite his desire to yell against Iwaizumi and ask him what was going through his head, Oikawa vowed to himself to hold his anger in, at least in front of their coach. He merely cleared his throat and raised his head with the dignity that his role demanded.

«I also take my responsibilities. Contrary to what Iwaizumi is saying, the fault is on both of us. We shouldn't allow our problems to affect the morale of the team.»

The coach looked at them and nodded.

«I know how much you care about this tournament and I'm sure you'll do everything to win, even put aside any problems when the situation will require it, but I just couldn't ignore this.»  
«Sorry for what we have caused. As Oikawa said, we shouldn't allow our problems to influence the team and our practice.» Iwaizumi slightly lowered his gaze, conscious of the truth of their coach's words.

Oikawa looked at him from the corner of his eye, then he looked back at the coach with much more confidence than before.

«Don't worry, this won't be our last tournament.»

The older man studied carefully first Oikawa and then Iwaizumi, before nodding again with a calm smile on his lips.

«Well, I'm glad that you understood. I trust you and I really hope it won't happen again, because I don't want to have to take measures to punish you. Try not to exert yourselves too much with extra practice and get some rest.» The coach looked behind them, at Hanamaki and Matsukawa. «That goes for you too!»

Oikawa turned and glanced at his two friends. They nodded towards their coach and shouted in unison that they were about to go to the locker rooms, but Oikawa was certain that they had stayed behind just to listen to the scolding. They weren't the types to get extra training on purpose, and he got confirmation of that when the two glanced at both him and Iwaizumi with a grin.  
Oikawa sighed.

«Clean up before you go home. See you tomorrow.»

The captain and his vice bowed and thanked their coach – apologizing for their behaviour for the umpteenth time – as he went to exit the gym.

Silence fell over them, and when Oikawa turned towards Iwaizumi, he didn't have time to say anything, because his best friend had already started walking silently toward the exit.  
For a moment, Oikawa just watched Iwaizumi's back as he disappeared through the door. This time, however, he couldn't ignore his reaction, not after what he'd said.

He was angry. Not just because Iwaizumi had tried to take all the blame, but also because he'd left as soon as he'd had the chance, despite his talk about the futility of avoiding confrontation.

Oikawa snapped towards the door from which the friend had just left. He heard Hanamaki and Matsukawa call him, but he ignored them. In that moment, he only wanted to understand what was going on in Iwaizumi's mind.

«IWA-CHAN!»

Iwaizumi stopped on the stairway that led to the locker room as soon as he heard Oikawa's voice calling him, but he didn't move from there. He watched his best friend walking fast towards him, studying those eyes that oozed anger. Judging by his stiff stance and his firm grip on the handrail as soon as Oikawa reached him, his state of mind was obvious, but Iwaizumi challenged him with a relaxed posture, looking down at Oikawa from his position.

«Just tell me, what the hell is wrong with you!? Why did you want to take all the blame?»  
«I just said what I thought was right, nothing more and nothing less.» Iwaizumi folded his arms over his chest.

Oikawa's grip on the handrail tightened for a few seconds, then he went up a couple of steps to reach Iwaizumi and stop right in front of him, looking straight into his eyes. He knew that anger was flowing from his every move, but he didn't care, just as he didn't care to be heard or seen by his friends, who surely had left the gym to follow them and were now hidden somewhere.

«It's a lie and you know it! And there was no point in taking the blame, we both have been scolded anyway! What did you want to prove!?»

Iwaizumi seemed surprised to be accused of something like that, but he didn't react. He only frowned, staring at Oikawa for a long moment before speaking.

«I don't have to prove anything to anyone.»  
«Then why did you lie!? Were you trying to make a good impression!?»  
«Stop talking nonsense, you know that I'd never do something like that!»  
«WHY, THEN!? A simple apology would have been enough, why did you take the blame!?»

Iwaizumi sighed and shook his head slowly. He had so many things to say to Oikawa that it was hard to find where to start, and at the same time the idea of dealing with their issues was making him uncomfortable.

«Okay, listen to me.» Despite the calm that the vice captain tried to maintain with all his might, a certain irritation leaked from his voice. «I have the right to take all the blame that I consider mine, especially when it's really _my_ fault. I'm the one who ignored you for a whole month! I haven't sent you a single message, I haven't called you or thought to come to your place to talk!»  
«The same goes for me, don't you realize it!? I could have picked up that damn phone so many times but I didn't! I avoided you! Not to mention that if someone has to take the blame, that's me. Everything happened because of something _I_ have started!»  
«Oikawa, I could have ended the call instead of-» Iwaizumi fell silent, then he sighed.

Oikawa instinctively bit his lower lip to avoid shouting at him everything that was going through his head.

What irritated Oikawa wasn't the fact that Iwaizumi was trying to take the blame for their lack of communication, but rather that Iwaizumi didn't seem willing to accuse him for what had happened that night on the phone.

Did he really believe that if he'd ended the call, anything would be different? Because it wasn't the same for Oikawa, not at all. It wasn't because of Iwaizumi that he had started what he'd done, he had been fantasizing about his best friend even before that call. That was why Iwaizumi had to put an end to that story and realize that the fault was on both of them.

«Iwa-chan, seriously, don't blame y-»  
«I know it's my fault, I won't change my mind, Oikawa.»

What Oikawa couldn't really know, was that Iwaizumi wasn't blaming himself just because of that call, but because of... everything. What had happened the night of Oikawa's birthday was his fault, both during the games and what had followed in his bedroom. The same was true – at least, from Iwaizumi's point of view – for the following morning, when he'd let the comment about the futon slip in front of Matsukawa.  
Truth be told, he even felt guilty just for making Oikawa wonder if he was attracted to boys. He didn't even care that Oikawa might have been grateful to him for that, Iwaizumi only wanted to apologize for all the doubts that he'd put in his mind and for the mixed feelings that he had aroused in Oikawa, especially after their kisses. Those same kisses that at first he'd thought were special, something to treasure, but that he could finally see for what they really were: a stupid, senseless and sick idea.

Iwaizumi was taken aback when Oikawa raised his hands in surrender and sighed before speaking.

«I've had enough, do as you wish. Do you want to take the blame? Do it, drown in it, be happy with it, it's not my problem! Talking to someone who doesn't want to admit they're wrong is useless.»

_Wrong? Am I wrong to feel upset because I can't stand those insane thoughts I’ve had that night anymore? Am I wrong if all I want is to forget that fucking call and move on?_

That insinuation made Iwaizumi snap so suddenly that Oikawa didn't even have the time to push him away when he grabbed his wrist.

«I-Iwa-chan?» Oikawa tried to break free, but Iwaizumi tightened his grip, regardless of the other's complaints and protests, as he climbed the stairs towards the locker rooms.

Without hesitation, Iwaizumi opened the door and shoved Oikawa inside, then he closed it behind himself with a loud thud. Oikawa almost regretted angering his best friend, especially when he saw him lean against the door, crossing his arms on his chest with a stern look in his eyes.

«You wanted to talk? Good. Come on, no one can hear us here, let's talk about anything you want,» Iwaizumi said simply, sharpening his gaze on him.  
«I'm sorry, okay?!» Oikawa snapped, caught off guard by the other's sudden change of behaviour. «I'm sorry for what happened, I was too embarrassed to even send you a message, I'm sorry for everything, so please, _please_ , can you stop trying to take all the blame!? It's annoying!»

Iwaizumi's icy glare towards Oikawa seemed at odds with his vain attempts to stay calm.

«First of all, I'll take the blame as much as I please. I'm not a masochist and I'm not doing it to get a kick out of it, I needed to apologize for what I've done and that's what I did. Secondly, and listen to me carefully, because I won't repeat it...» Iwaizumi walked away from the door and approached Oikawa, stopping when he was facing him. «You don't need to apologize. For anything.»

Oikawa stopped breathing at Iwaizumi's closeness, but he let out a sigh when he heard those words. He could almost admire his stubbornness because  _damn it_ , Iwaizumi was so cool in that moment. However, he knew that he couldn't let him win, not when Iwaizumi seemed willing to do anything to avoid _that_ topic.

Oikawa swallowed hard to get rid of the lump in his throat, then he lowered his eyes. The mere idea of what he was about to say was already causing him a sense of discomfort and embarrassment, but he needed to talk about it. They both needed to face the truth, and there was no best way than to say it in no uncertain terms.

«Iwa-chan... I started masturbating before your call and I continued even though I was talking with you. Ending the call or stopping what I was doing didn't even cross my mind,» he whispered without beating around the bush, then he slowly raised his eyes to meet Iwaizumi's. «How can you tell me that I have nothing to apologize for?»

It took a long moment, but finally Oikawa's words broke the mask of composure that Iwaizumi had been wearing until that moment.

Iwaizumi crossed his arms again on his chest and let out an annoyed snort, looking away to hide his embarrassment as he considered what to say.  
Oikawa was right, but he had been serious when he'd said that his best friend had nothing to apologize for. What Oikawa had done wasn't right and neither was thinking about Iwaizumi while doing something so intimate, that was undeniably true. The whole situation had caused him discomfort even after several days, but after all, it certainly wasn't something so drastic for which Oikawa should have to apologize.

«Oikawa, I basically fuelled your fantasies even though I knew what you were doing, and believe me, I noticed it earlier than you think. Does it seem normal to you? Come on, let's be serious now, who do you think is the guilty one here?» He took another step towards Oikawa until he was so close that even his whisper could be heard loud and clear in the silence of the room. «Was it your fault because you were masturbating or mine because I didn't end that damn fucking call?»

Anyone could have believed that it had been difficult for Iwaizumi to ask something like that point-blank, but the truth was that he seemed almost indifferent. Oikawa didn't know if it was because he really didn't care or because Iwaizumi was trying to hide his true feelings. The only thing certain was that, unlike his friend, Oikawa was really making an effort to not be overwhelmed by the shame.

«Iwa-chan...» Oikawa stepped back to put a few inches between them, his hands suddenly sweaty and his throat dry. He didn't like having Iwaizumi so close to him – or maybe he didn't like how his presence made his heart beat so fast. It was better to put some distance between them if Oikawa wanted to face him with a bit of dignity. «We both made odd choices, okay? I'm sorry that my actions made you feel uncomfortable and you're sorry for not ending the call. I have fantasized about wrong things and you didn't stop me. Iwa-chan, friends don't do this, I know! And if you think that I've slept well that night, you're wrong! But it happened, so what? Do you still want to ignore me?»

Behind every glance, Oikawa sensed his best friend's insecurity.  
Iwaizumi was unsure of what to say, his hands on his hips a mere disguise to cover the tight grip on his own body due to his uneasiness, which was evident in his annoyed frown and in the sigh that escaped his lips.

«Obviously, it's a crazy situation. And by the way, you're not the only one who didn't sleep at all that night, I still had your moans in my ears and they kept me awake.»

Oikawa, blushing furiously, immediately avoided Iwaizumi's gaze, but he continued to listen to him in silence.

«I knew that avoiding you wasn't the best choice, it was stupid, but I didn't know what to do. Thinking about it was driving me crazy, and yet I couldn't help but remember every word of our conversation, and the more I thought about it, the more I thought about your birthday. I got to the point that I couldn't think of anything else! That's why I preferred to be alone for some time, to understand how the hell I should have behaved. I knew that meeting you wouldn't have helped, so I took advantage of the last month of summer holidays to figure out what to do. I had promised myself to talk to you the first day of school, but seeing you messed up my original plans and I must say that the coach's speech took me off guard, that's why I immediately walked away.»

Oikawa trembled at hearing Iwaizumi admit that he hadn't been able to stop thinking about what had happened between them, but he nodded with his most intense look.

«We acted like idiots during practice, we deserved it.»  
«I know, I'm not denying that.»

There was something behind Iwaizumi's apparent calm, but Oikawa couldn't quite figure out what. It was something in his mind, something Iwaizumi was thinking about that was forcing him to look away from his best friend. What was it? Why it was so difficult for him to tell Oikawa what was going on?

Maybe, if he had known what Iwaizumi wanted to tell him, Oikawa wouldn't have waited so eagerly to know what the other had in mind.

«Hey, Oikawa...» Their eyes met and Oikawa, without even noticing, held his breath. «Don't you think... Don't you think that it's better if, for some time, we try to avoid any embarrassing situations? Being alone, sleeping at each other's houses... well, you get it. At least until we make sense of this mess.»

Oikawa widened his eyes, then he lowered them with an odd expression on his face, a mixture of perplexity and disbelief. He couldn't even argue, because Iwaizumi was right, but hearing him say such a thing made him feel... weird. He couldn't even think of a name for that feeling, he only knew that he didn't like the idea of staying away from Iwaizumi.  
They used to sleep at each other's houses almost every weekend, they'd go to school and come home together every day, they'd spend their evenings together, to have fun, to study or even just out of habit, almost six days a week. Was Iwaizumi telling him to leave those moments aside? _Their_ moments? For how long? And above all: waiting for what kind of clarification?

«Well, I think it's... right? Not that we were exactly together last time, but... yes, I think it's for the best.»  
«This is why I have generalized with _embarrassing situations_.» He put a hand to his neck and ruffled his hair nervously. «What I'm trying to say is that we should avoid everything about this story. Talking about it between us, any possible discussions with others about this past week and especially Hanamaki and Matsukawa's jokes about our relationship. I mean, it would be better to pretend that nothing happened... and this time for real. We- we should avoid... well...»

Throughout the week, Iwaizumi had repeated that speech over and over again in his mind, training himself to address the issue in the most efficient way. He was ready, or at least he had thought so.

_Why is dealing with Oikawa so difficult?_

It was hard to breathe because of the lump in his throat, and the frantic beating of his heart didn't help him at all. It forced him to put a hand on his chest, where he tightened the grip on his shirt.

_I have to speak up, I have to tell him how things are or this situation will never end. We have to end it once and for all and stop acting like idiots._

Yes, he had to speak, but when he parted his lips, all that came out was a frustrated click of tongue.

Iwaizumi snorted and bent his legs to crouch down and rest his arms on them. He clasped his hands together and sighed, then he looked up at Oikawa with a puzzled and irritated look.  
Oikawa was surprised by his sudden change of attitude, even more so when he saw Iwaizumi's composure break into pieces.

«Okay, let's be honest. I don't even know what I want to say! Do you have any idea how embarrassed I was that night!? I even pretended that it was all my sick imagination's fault, I told myself that it couldn't be true! So many times I asked myself  _"Hey, why don't you hang up instead of asking more questions?"_ . But no, that would have been too easy. I had to dig my own grave by listening to your moans, instead. The more I heard you panting, the more I was confused. My brain had gone haywire! At some point, I even stopped wondering if it was right or wrong, can you believe it!? And I hadn't drunk that night, I didn't even have that excuse!»

Oikawa gulped and parted his lips to say something, anything, really, but he realized that he didn't know how to face such brutal honesty. He licked his lips and looked away, his face a bit more flushed, then he folded his arms across his chest and tightened his grip as he tried to come to terms with what Iwaizumi had just revealed.

«Iwa-chan... everything you've said is true, I won't deny it. You said let's be honest, right? Then admit that it's also my fault, because I could bet anything that deep inside you know it too. I don't know what came over me that night, but I can tell you that I'd lost my mind even before your call.»  
«That doesn't change the fact that I'm the one who'd stayed silent. It's as if I agreed with it.»

He had never seen Iwaizumi so confused, but he knew that the blame laid on his ambiguous attitudes and thoughts.

«Iwa-chan, it happened and I'm sorry, really. I don't know how many times I have to say it, but I will repeat it until you'll understand that I really mean it.» Oikawa was sincere, even when he surrendered himself to those confessions. «At this point, we both know that I don't have any more doubts. It's pointless to ignore the fact that I am attracted to boys, but I don't want to confuse you and make things awkward between us. You're my best friend and I hate when you avoid me, but... if you think that some distance between us will help, I'll accept your decision without complaining.»

Iwaizumi stared at him in silence, as if he was analysing his words, then he stood up.

«It's not your fault if I'm confused. Well, I mean, of course it is, but I know that you're not doing it on purpose. Actually... I wouldn't know what to answer if you asked me why I acted that way, and that's what I don't like. I hate when I can't find an answer. And honestly, it's easier to insult you rather than ignore you.» For the first time, Iwaizumi grinned and shrugged his shoulders in a dismissive gesture. «We grew up together and we've been neighbours for years, having you around is a childish annoying routine which I grew fond of.»  
«Hey! I'm not childish!» Oikawa puffed out his cheeks in a pout, but laughed right away. «The same goes for me, by the way.»

Iwaizumi looked at him, then approached him again, stopping when he was in front of him.

«Anyway, what I want to say is that I had no intention of avoiding you. I was just trying to figure out what I really wanted and, as I told you, I knew that having you around more than necessary wouldn't have helped me think straight.» He raised his fist in the air in front of Oikawa and smiled. «Let's fix this situation without behaving like idiots, okay?»

Oikawa didn't agree with Iwaizumi's choice and his mind was telling him that putting distance between them wasn't the right thing to do in their situation, but he masked his concerns under a smile as he raised his fist to bump it against Iwaizumi's.

«No more nonsense.»

\- - - - -

«...Iwa-chan was uncomfortable because of this thing about my sexual orientation and for a while we ignored each other. He felt embarrassed and therefore I felt embarrassed too, especially rethinking about the early days when I was trying to come to terms with it. It took us a bit of time to figure out how to resolve the situation, but now it's alright.»

Oikawa leaned back against the wall, stretching his legs in front of him to relax a bit on the bench of the locker room. He was taking all the time necessary to get dressed because, by agreement of both, from that evening onwards he and Iwaizumi would stop going home together.

Hanamaki and Matsukawa had been waiting outside the locker room for the whole time while they'd been talking, and when Iwaizumi had left they'd obviously taken the opportunity to ask Oikawa what was going on. They had joked around about “what kind of catastrophe happened to make the married couple fight”, but that they were also glad that Oikawa and Iwaizumi had found a “shameless” way to reconcile.

It took Oikawa a moment to understand the sexual innuendos behind their words, under the laughs of his two friends at seeing his shocked face.

Nevertheless, Oikawa took the opportunity to vent. Iwaizumi was already gone, the three of them were the only ones of the team still at school and the need to talk with someone was too strong to pretend that it didn't exist. So, with a deep breath and a whispered  _"Guys, I have to tell you something"_ , he started talking.

Judging by Hanamaki's astonished expression and his need to interrupt Oikawa with countless questions, that was something he hadn't predicted at all. In complete contrast, Matsukawa stayed quiet for the whole story.  
Not that Oikawa told them _everything_. He was partly feeling sorry because for two whole months he had kept that secret from them, but it was something too private. He gave them some hints however, hiding behind vague speeches what had really happened between him and Iwaizumi. Just something to make them understand the situation.

«That's all, now you know what happened.»

Matsukawa buttoned his shirt and arranged his hair as best he could. As soon as Oikawa had finished, he turned to his captain and spoke with a curious pinch in his voice.

«So... this is the reason behind your embarrassment during practice, huh?»  
«All I know is that the coach's scolding has been quite satisfying, we're usually the ones who have to suffer his rage!» Hanamaki laughed, looking amused at Oikawa as he arranged his stuff in his bag.  
«As if you cared about the coach, you dragged me out of the gym as soon as you saw them leave. The only thing you wanted was some gossip!» Matsukawa grinned and glanced at Hanamaki, who replied with a simple shrug.

Oikawa took off his uniform's shirt and dabbed the sweat with a clean towel, throwing occasional glances at his two friends. He was still a little uncomfortable talking to them about those topics, especially because they concerned his own life, yet he couldn't deny that he felt lighter.

Matsukawa and Hanamaki had seemed a little surprised by his confession about his newly discovered preferences at first, particularly Hanamaki, but they had accepted it without missing a beat. They even asked him how he had found out, if he had any problem and who else knew, and that they'd be there to help him with anything.

Deep inside, jokes and distasteful decisions apart, he was really grateful he had friends like them.

«It was awkward, and I'm not talking about the coach, but about the whole situation.»  
«But don't you think it's weird?» Oikawa looked up at Hanamaki and frowned, but the other was too focused in tidying up his bag. «Iwaizumi's not the type who would make you feel uncomfortable on purpose. He worries about other people more than himself, and if there's something that troubles you, he's the first to ask if you're okay. I just can't imagine otherwise. Are you telling me that he stopped talking to his best friend just because it turns out that he doesn't like girls? Allow me to say that it sounds like an overreaction for a person like him.»  
«Indeed it is, unless there's something else that happened that you're not telling us,» added Matsukawa, thoughtfully.

Oikawa flinched, but he hid his troubled expression under the towel, pretending that he was still wiping away the sweat. For a moment he had almost forgotten how clever Matsukawa was, but it surprised him more that he hadn't mentioned anything to Hanamaki, neither his doubts nor the speech they had had the morning after his birthday.

Oikawa could still remembered how Matsukawa had insinuated that something had happened between him and Iwaizumi, although Oikawa had never confirmed anything.

«You are so mean! Iwa-chan has also apologized for his behaviour!»  
«We saw that!» They said in chorus with a sing-song voice, and Matsukawa added immediately after, «Well, we've seen you discuss about something at least.»  
«Listen to me, I'm not saying that you're lying.» Hanamaki stretched and sat on the bench, while Oikawa stood up to change his shorts. «I'm just saying that I can't think of a possible scenario where Iwaizumi stops talking with you for a whole month. A month, Oikawa. We're not talking about a few days. Something big must have happened and it's okay if you want to keep it a secret, it's your business, but we're not stupid so don't treat us as such, okay?»  
«Especially when both of you are so obvious,» pointed out Matsukawa.

Oikawa sighed and closed the zip of his pants. He combed his hair on his forehead and revived them on his nape, then he sat down again to tie his shoes and at last he stood up again to put on his shirt, buttoning it slowly.  
The other two had realized that there was something underneath, but he had no intention of telling them the truth, even if that meant passing for a liar.

«He needed to think and he couldn't do it with me around,» Oikawa explained. «My presence would have influenced his judgement, so he said.»  
«Well, actually... having you around is hard,» whispered Hanamaki.  
«Think about Iwaizumi, he is always with him,» added Matsukawa with a smirk on his lips, while he sat to tie his shoes.

Oikawa put both hands on his hips and turned to look at the two with irritation, but the exasperated smile on his face spoke volumes on his real mood.

«Can I know which side you're on!?»

Truth was that being with his friends and joking with them made him feel damn good. The very fact that they didn't make a drama out of that story and that they had taken his revelation well, although for three whole years they'd seen him surrounded by girls, made his heart smile.

«I'm not on anybody's side, I was just curious about what was going on between the two of you.» Matsukawa leaned on his legs, clasping his hands in front of him before turning his attention to Hanamaki. «You were with Iwaizumi today, right? Did he mentioned anything?»

A strong curiosity took hold of Oikawa's body, making him turn his attention on Hanamaki.

«Nothing at all.» Hanamaki pursed his lips in a concentrated grimace. «I admit that I asked him if anything had happened with Oikawa, but he avoided the question and only said that you two had a fight. Knowing Iwaizumi, I was sure that he wouldn't tell me more, so I didn't push it. What about you, Matsukawa?»

Oikawa this time turned towards the other, simultaneously with Hanamaki.

«Same as you. He was vague and I didn't dare dig further into the matter. I tried to formulate some hypothesis, but I couldn't get any confirmation or denial.»  
«He would never tell us something that personal.» Hanamaki sighed and rolled his eyes.  
«Never mind, at this point I think it's all sorted out.» Oikawa fixed the collar of his shirt with both hands and tied his tie around his neck. «It all happened so fast... I can understand if he wants to take some time to think.»  
«What's important is that everything's okay now. You have found out that you like guys, Iwaizumi has put his heart at rest from who knows what, he didn't murder me for kissing you on your birthday and in the end you two have been able to clarify this mess without killing each other. Let's celebrate for solving everything so smoothly!»

Matsukawa took advantage of that moment to look at his friend with an amused grin.

«Do you remember when he was about to jump at your throat, that night? At least now we know why he was so overprotective.»  
«I'm glad you're the only one who saw it, otherwise I would have thought twice before doing any obligation!»

What the hell were they talking about? The only look Oikawa remembered was the icy glare Iwaizumi had shot him after the kiss.

«Are you sure it wasn't just your imagination? Iwa-chan always looks angry!» He tried to ease the tension with a light laugh.  
«You were too busy kissing Hanamaki to see it,» scoffed Matsukawa. «Yeah, everyone was astonished when he read the obligation, but as soon as you two kissed, his expression was priceless. I thought he was shocked, but looking at him better I noticed that he kept his eyes fixed on Hanamaki. As they say, if looks could kill...»  
«... I would already be laying in my coffin. I got goose bumps, really.»  
«For the kiss?» Matsukawa grinned, receiving a glare from both Hanamaki and Oikawa.  
«No, you idiot. But really, it's insane how possessive he is of you, Oikawa.»  
«Makki, you're exaggerating! He told me he was actually taken aback, but we laughed about it the same night, when he realized he'd gone too far.»

Oikawa snorted a smile, but only to disguise the agitation that had started flowing into his veins. Were they really exaggerating? Or had Iwaizumi really reacted that way?

«He laughed? Thank goodness!» Hanamaki raised his arms to emphasize his relief.  
«Actually, he didn't seem all that angry the next morning.»  
«Mattsun, it would have been stupid. It was just a game.»  
«If you say so...»

After that, the discussion faded. Oikawa could only be thankful for the sudden silence, mainly due to the need to finish getting ready and get out quickly, before the teachers would come to check the gym and scold them for the late hour. Hanamaki and Matsukawa cracked some jokes as usual and Oikawa laughed with them, then they talked about their summer homework – at which Oikawa shrugged, causing irritation in saying that he'd already done his own.

Even with the others distracting him, however, Oikawa couldn't avoid thinking about his talk with Iwaizumi. He still couldn't believe that he'd agreed to stay away from him, and the more he thought about it, the more it seemed like an absolutely wrong decision. Not that he could go back on his words, not after promising Iwaizumi that he would have respected his choice.

It was weird not being with him in the locker room, not hearing that familiar voice. He almost missed his punches, if that meant having him by his side, like always, in complete normality.

Too bad that normality had been lost and he knew, _he knew well_ , that it would be hard to get it back.

«I have to run an errand for my mother and I'm already late. See you tomorrow! »

When Oikawa raised his eyes, Hanamaki was already standing in front of the open door with his bag over his shoulder. He raised his hand to wave them goodbye, then he closed the door behind himself, leaving the other two alone.

Matsukawa sighed and shook his head, then got up from the bench and took his bag.

«Can you believe that during practice he kept repeating _"I've to_ _run_ _an errand for my mother"_ or _"I_ _ha_ _ve to leave early today"_? His  eagerness to know other people's business is stronger than any commitment.»  
«I also like some gossip every now and then,» Oikawa stood up and grabbed his bag, then he adjusted it on his shoulder before taking the keys of the locker room. «I'll let it slide this time, but don't you dare follow me again like you did today.»

Matsukawa grinned and slid his hands into his pants pockets.

«Come on, you were so happy you had a chance to talk to someone.»  
«Oh, now you can also read my mind?» Oikawa snorted a chuckle.  
«It's from the day of your birthday that you and Iwaizumi have the exact same face.»

This time, Oikawa couldn't help but wince, and he was certain that Matsukawa had noticed it, so he didn't even try to mask it. He gave his friend a sceptical look, while playing nervously with the keys in his hand.

«Oh, really? And what kind of face would that be?»  
«The _"I need to speak with someone but I'm too proud to do it"_ face.»  
«Never heard of it!» Oikawa laughed, aware of how stupidly he'd been tensing up. «But, seriously. Did he tell you anything?»  
«As I told you, nothing at all. He made it clear that I should mind my own business because he didn't want to talk about it, so I gave up. But from what I could understand, something embarrassing happened between you two, right?»

Oikawa immediately averted his gaze to avoid betraying himself, as the heat already started embracing his body. He didn't even think that with that gesture he had already betrayed himself, albeit unwittingly.  
Matsukawa observed Oikawa, studying the sudden change in his attitude and smiling at the panic reflected in his captain's eyes.

«Relax, I was kidding... but from your reaction, I'd say that something actually happened that night. I had some suspicions when I talked with you and Iwaizumi the following morning, and my doubts have grown when last month Hanamaki called me to ask me if I was aware of why you didn't want to go out with us anymore. You're not that good of an actor, you know?»

Oikawa avoided eye contact with Matsukawa until he was sure he was able to face him with confidence.

«It's over now, you no longer have to worry about anything.»  
«Completely over?» Matsukawa reached the door and flung it open, waiting for Oikawa with a calm smile on his lips. «So you're not hiding anything? No marriage in sight?»  
«None of that,» Oikawa confirmed with a sigh, throwing the keys to Matsukawa and surpassing him to leave the room. «As I've already mentioned, I don't want to make Iwa-chan uncomfortable with this story. He doesn't deserve it, so I'm okay with how things turned out.»

_Not at all_ , but he couldn't say it.

«You are always together, thinking that there's something between you two is not so strange.» Matsukawa's tone of voice was light as he locked the door, in fact Oikawa didn't seem bothered by the allegations.  
«We've known each other since we were kids, spending a lot of time together became a habit.»  
«So... everything is fine now, between you two?» Matsukawa handed the keys to Oikawa, who slipped them into his pocket before starting to walk towards the stairs, conscious of being followed by his friend a few meters away.  
«Yes? Everything is fine!» Oikawa giggled, not understanding the reason behind so many questions.

The answer didn't take long to arrive.

«Then Iwaizumi won't try to kill me if I start flirting with you?»

Oikawa froze mid-step and turned to face Matsukawa, who, from the top of the stairs, was looking at him with a strange smile on his lips. He knew that his own expression was probably the opposite of his teammate's, his eyes wide like he'd just seen a ghost.

_He can't be serious._

«Mattsun, just because I said I'm interested in guys, that doesn't give you the authorization to make jokes about the matter.» Oikawa sharpened his gaze on the other, blurting with an annoyed voice his disappointment.  
«I'm not joking, Oikawa.»  
«Yeah, right.»

Neither of them moved – they stayed still, their eyes locked, studying and observing the other. That was when something hit Oikawa's certainty. Maybe it was because he noticed that the vibe Matsukawa was giving off was different than usual, or perhaps something in his piercing eyes made him question his thoughts.

«But... you're...»

Oikawa gulped when he saw Matsukawa descend the few steps between them to reach him.

How long had it been since Iwaizumi had instilled those doubts in his mind? Two months? And how long had it been since he'd told the truth to Matsukawa? Not even half an hour? He couldn't help but laugh to hide the embarrassment of such a moment.

It was certainly mind-blowing to discover such a thing so out-of-the-blue and Oikawa could honestly say that he hadn't thought, not even for an instant, that someone like Matsukawa would have come out with a statement like that. To tell the truth, until that day, he hadn't even thought of telling someone anything about his sexual orientation, but hey, what's done is done, right? So... was it really so weird? Matsukawa was telling him he wanted to flirt with him, yes, that was crazy, but Oikawa had already kissed his best friend, and... no, that wasn't the right time to think again about that other thing, seriously, it was better to forget it.  
At that point he could say he was used to how destiny liked toying with him and his feelings.

«You're not-»

There still was the same, quiet smile on his lips, but Matsukawa's voice penetrated Oikawa's mind with far too much intensity.

«I'm not... what? Gay?» His smile widened until Matsukawa was laughing in front of Oikawa's shocked expression. «Why? Because I haven't publicly declared it? You should understand that better than anyone, it's not a topic you can tackle easily, especially with people you care about.»

He obviously knew what Matsukawa meant, that was also the reason why Oikawa, from the beginning, had been conflicted about talking with him and Hanamaki. And he couldn't even imagine how he could have come out to his friends, let alone to his family. The mere idea terrified him so deeply that he hadn't even considered it.

Oikawa took a deep breath, setting aside his doubts about Matsukawa trying to play him. Just for a moment, because he wanted to trust his friend.

«If it's a bad joke, I'll make you pay.»  
«Why should I joke about such sensitive topics?» Influenced by his own words, Matsukawa's smile disappeared to give way to a unique and unusual composure. «I want to be crystal clear, I'm not confessing my love to you. I'm just saying that finding out this side of you struck me in a positive way. I've always thought to myself that you're a handsome guy, it's the mere truth.»  
«...okay? Thank you? It's just... you took me off guard. Who would have imagined that you'd be into boys? I mean... Don't get me wrong, I don't want to offend you, but you don't seem quite the type.»

Matsukawa bent over to get closer to Oikawa. They were so close that Oikawa had to raise his face to look at him straight in the eye.

«I don't like to flaunt my sexual orientation, which is why only few people knows. One of these is Hanamaki, but he seems to forget it whenever he wants to drag me to some of those straight mixers... even though it's because he probably wants company and not because he really thinks that he can set me up with some girl. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know what I think, that's all.» The smile blossomed again on his lips.

Oikawa clutched the strap of his bag with both hands, unsure of what to say or what to do, but there was one question that was flashing in his mind.

«So... excuse me Mattsun, but what exactly are you asking me to do?»  
«I've already said it, don't take it as a confession. I'm not really the relationship type. I just wanted to tell you that I'm attracted to you. Iwaizumi told me that you're still unsure of what you want, that is why I don't want to push you too much.»

_Iwa-chan? What's the deal with Iwa-chan now?_

Oikawa frowned and tightened the grip on his bag, observing Matsukawa with curiosity and perplexity at the same time.

«Unsure of what I want?» He didn't understand why Iwaizumi had said such a thing, nor when or why he would have told Matsukawa. Was it during the past month?  
«Yeah, I told him about my interest in you soon after your birthday, but he asked me to not tell you anything because you hadn't figured out what you wanted yet. He said I could have influenced you, or something like that.»

This time, Oikawa leaned against the railing and sighed, shaking his head slowly as he tried to make sense of what Matsukawa had just reported.

How much longer did Iwaizumi want to torment him with his actions? It had been two months since he had lit the doubt in Oikawa's mind. Because of him, Oikawa had found himself reflecting on it over and over again, then there had been his birthday, the kiss, but they had clarified in one way or another. Then that night, a month of silence between them until their quarrel. And now it was happening all over again, and Oikawa was tired. He had agreed to put some distance between each other, only to know shortly after that Iwaizumi was telling others about their situation and was asking them to not "influence" him. Why had he done that? And why hadn't Iwaizumi mentioned anything at all?

«Maybe it would have been better to not tell you anything? It wasn't my intention to make you feel this way.»

Oikawa interrupted his own flow of thoughts and looked up at Matsukawa, only to realize that he was now right in front of him, on the same step.

«No, you did well. Thanks, Mattsun.»

Matsukawa nodded slowly, but didn't walk away. Oikawa stared into the other's eyes, motionless, even when Matsukawa leaned against the railing behind Oikawa with one hand or when the other hand rested on his side. He found himself mesmerized, unable to move or react to what was happening, only aware of the warmth spreading through his body from where Matsukawa was touching him.

«M-Mattsun?» Oikawa laughed nervously, but Matsukawa didn't. Instead, he clutched the railing and slid his other hand along Oikawa's side and then up to his cheek.  
«You asked me what I want from you.»

Oikawa gulped and nodded.

It was the first time he'd found himself in a similar situation after what had happened with Iwaizumi, and he couldn't deny that the atmosphere and the adrenaline were attracting him and sending shivers down his whole body.

Most of the time Iwaizumi was like an open book to him, but Matsukawa was like a safe that he just couldn't crack. Perhaps it was for this reason that the situation was making him so pleasantly agitated, because he didn't have the faintest idea of what to expect.

«So?» Oikawa took a deep breath to calm himself, even if it was useless when Matsukawa got closer to him. He was so close that he could feel his breath on his dry lips, which Oikawa licked with the tip of his tongue before asking, «What do you want?»

Maybe it wasn't the right question to ask in a moment like that, or maybe Matsukawa would have acted that way in any case. It didn't change the fact that Oikawa couldn't predict – or maybe he noticed, but didn't react – when Matsukawa's hand slid down to his chin and tightened his grip on it, closing the distance between them with a slow and fluid gesture.

The moment their lips touched, Oikawa thought that his heart would have exploded. When he felt Matsukawa's tongue tease his lower lip with predatory attention, his legs trembled in surprise and he was forced to support himself on the railing behind him.  
The kiss lasted mere seconds, but it had caused the desired effect, since Matsukawa started laughing soon after.

«I want to enjoy these expressions. It's not that easy to steal a kiss from the wildly popular Oikawa Tooru.» Those words were enough to pull Oikawa out of the fog that had clouded his mind.

He sighed, trying to catch as much air as possible considering that, like magic, it seemed to have been sucked out of his lungs. He was certain that he was blushing, but he rolled his eyes and murmured despite everything, «Well, now I've really kissed everyone.»

«What did you say?» Matsukawa's face was back in front of his own with an interested grin.

_Fuck._

«Nothing. I said nothing, don't wor-»

Oikawa stiffened when Matsukawa squeezed his cheeks and forced him to look up. He swallowed hard and tried to avert his guilty gaze, but Matsukawa followed it.

«You've just confessed that you kissed everyone, so tell me... what have you been keeping hidden? What really happened between you two fools? Spit it out, Oikawa.»

Knowing Matsukawa, he would have been able to keep him there until Oikawa was ready to talk. He couldn't escape his interrogation, no matter how much he wanted to. At this thought he sighed in defeat and turned properly towards Matsukawa, still painfully aware of those hands touching his face, which caused warmth to spread over his cheeks.

«We kissed, okay? It happened the night of my birthday, but we decided to ignore it because we were drunk and we didn't even know what was happening. That's all, end of the story. Are you happy now?»

Matsukawa didn't seem convinced, but he was merciful enough to not investigate further.

«I knew that something had happened, Iwaizumi was too angry that night and there was no way he would have let it slide.»  
«Like I said, it's over now. I don't want to talk about it anymore.»  
«Yeah, it's over. Sure.»  
«It was his decision, you can believe it.»  
«And what about you?»  
«I'm okay with it if that's what he want.»  
«I don't believe you.»  
«I don't care, you can think what the hell you want.»

For a few seconds, neither of them ventured to say anything else; Matsukawa was too busy keeping a steady grip on Oikawa's cheeks and looking slyly at him, while Oikawa was committed to keep under control his need to punch the other in the face.

Despite the shame, he felt much better now that someone knew what happened between him and Iwaizumi... well, at least a part of it.

«Can you-» Oikawa frowned, tapping his hand on Matsukawa's arm to emphasize what was about to say, «Can you let me go now?»

Matsukawa thought about it for long, but Oikawa wasn't interested in what was going through his mind. He was just thankful when Matsukawa freed him.

«I hope you're right and that Iwaizumi won't kill me in my sleep because I kissed you.»  
«He's not my watchdog, Mattsun.» Oikawa's eyes stayed fixed on the other's hands, terribly uncomfortable now that the situation had calmed down and he could think about what happened.

_Are the surprises over for today?_

First Iwaizumi, then the strange agreement to avoid embarrassing situations, then straight into the abyss because of Matsukawa, suddenly eager to come out as soon as Oikawa had declared his sexual orientation.  
It was too much to digest in a single day, especially when his eyes moved from Matsukawa's hands and slowly rested on his lips.

It had been so sudden and unexpected that it had left him dazed for a good few seconds. It had been... different? Yes, he could say that even though it had only lasted a moment. Maybe if it had lasted more he would have understood what had startled him like that...

Oikawa shook his head lightly and forced himself to look at Matsukawa, trying with all his might to avoid muttering nonsense.

«So, Mattsun... mh. What do you want to do exactly? Because I still haven't figured it out.»  
«To be honest? I don't know.» Oikawa's eyes widened, surprised by Matsukawa's too honest answer. «I just wanted to tell you what I think and I took the opportunity. And well, I absolutely don't regret kissing you, even though I took advantage of the moment, I admit it. I'd say that's enough for me... for now, at least. Also because the coach will really kill someone if we create some kind of commotion and I don't want to be responsible for that.»

Oikawa's tension slid away as he studied the smile on Matsukawa's lips, feeling suddenly calmer.

Okay, he had kissed all his third year friends in less than two months. Well, it couldn't go wor se than th at , right? Of course he didn't like  what Matsukawa's _"for now"_ implied , but if for the moment he had no intention of making risky moves, then he might as well not think about it.

«You sound quite arrogant, Mattsun, you know? But I can't say that you aren't right, so... okay. Now I know about you like you wanted, right?»  
«Yeah.» Matsukawa nodded and finally, after what had felt like hours because of the mixed feelings that had clouded Oikawa's mind, began walking down the stairs.

Oikawa watched the other's back, instinctively clutching the strap of his bag before following him in silence. The air around them wasn't as heavy as he had imagined, and the quiet between them was, to be honest, almost pleasant. Certainly it wasn't a normal situation, but for the moment he was just happy that Matsukawa hadn't tried to deepen the discussion, not even as they crossed the courtyard or when they left the school and crossed the street, stopping at the intersection where they used to split, now almost deserted because of the late hour.

«Well, then. See you tomorrow?»  
«See you tomorrow.»

Oikawa smiled despite the embarrassment. He turned around, giving his back to his friend, and in solitude he started walking.

Usually, Iwaizumi would have been at his side. Usually, they would have walked together, as they've been used to do for years, laughing and joking. But things had changed. For some time, Iwaizumi would have been going home early to avoid staying too long with him.

For a time, Oikawa would have been alon-

«Tooru!»

Oikawa winced at  hearing his name, confused and at the same time worried, so he turned towards the source of that shout to understand what was going on. However, when he did, it all happened so fast that he had no time to react. The only thing he knew,  _he felt_ , were Matsukawa's hands on his face, the grip on his warm cheeks and his mouth captured by a kiss that had nothing in common with the previous one.

Matsukawa's tongue was wet and hot against Oikawa's, an erotic dance that was sucking away not only his oxygen, but even their common sense. His fingers slipped on Oikawa's neck, feather-light touches caressing his skin, before they gripped his hair to make Oikawa tilt his head and deepen the kiss. Neither of them seemed willing to end what they were doing, regardless of the fact that anyone could have seen them.

Oikawa closed his eyes and clutched the other's shirt, letting that impetuous kiss erase every thought from his mind as well as the flow of time.

It took everything away.

He didn't know if he wanted to push the other away, but he certainly didn't try to, part ly because of Matsukawa's grip. He should have realized that it wasn't the right time and he really should have remembered Matsukawa his own words, that  _"for now"_ that Oikawa hadn't liked at first, instead he found himself panting against Matsukawa's mouth a second time,  already  craving a new kiss.

«Tooru...» Matsukawa freed Oikawa from his kiss to allow him to catch his breath, but he didn't stop torturing his lips not even for a second. He brushed his own against them, biting his lower lip slowly, sucking it and biting it again, and then, once their breaths were appeased, he searched again for Oikawa's tongue, smiling against his mouth.  
«Why are you... smiling?» Oikawa panted between a kiss and another, unable to think clearly.

Matsukawa slid his hands on Oikawa's neck and then under his chin to keep his face up, so that he could look straight into his eyes and study them. The setting sun was only worsening the redness of those cheeks as he caressed them with his thumb, and that made Matsukawa smile again. It was a unique sight.

Oikawa was looking at him. He wasn't looking at some girl or at Iwaizumi, no. Those liquid eyes were staring at him, his lips were swollen from his kisses, his bites. Oikawa's attention was focused on him and him alone.

Matsukawa didn't speak at first. He preferred by far to bend down again to whisper against the other's mouth, «I thought you would have brutally pushed me away.»  
«It's-»

Oikawa shut up, because suddenly anything he could have retorted seemed out of place. He was now aware that his brain and his body didn't want to collaborate, but the situation was even worse than that. It was like his mind had no longer power over him, and he couldn't even count on his common sense, already vanished into nothing. Why? Because that had been what Oikawa had wanted. Those kisses were everything he needed at that moment and the only thought in his confused mind.

He loved being kissed like that.

_It's just a kiss._

Iwaizumi's words were still burning in his memories, a firebrand lighting up everything around it and casting shadows on its surroundings. And that was exactly what happened in Oikawa's mind.

He wanted to stop thinking of Iwaizumi, to stop stressing him with his problems, to stop being a nuisance with his doubts. He had to leave him alone. He had promised him to leave that story behind them and that was why he escaped the fire and threw himself in that darkness, into the arms of the only person who'd been able to erase every thought from his mind.

Oikawa took a deep breath, closed his eyes and brushed his lips against Matsukawa's before whispering, «It's just a kiss.»

Matsukawa seemed to be taken aback by that, because he pushed him away slightly to look at him. He was studying him, trying to find a clue on what was going on in his head, but he couldn't find it.  
And after all, why did he have to?

Oikawa was there with him, he was looking at him with those big eyes and parted lips, almost waiting for another kiss. Did he really want to waste time thinking about something like that? Of course not.

Matsukawa tightened his grip on the captain's face and leaned again towards him.

«I like your way of thinking, you know?» And with these words whispered on Oikawa's mouth, Matsukawa captured him again in one, two, three kisses, pushing him against the wall to get away from the curb and find a bit of coverage from any possible curious eye.

More kisses followed those, making Oikawa's mind go blank and erasing every thought, every doubt, every memory of what had happened between him and Iwaizumi. It was pleasant, a freedom that he had forgotten in those two months and that Matsukawa, unexpectedly, had been able to give back to him.

He would have had time to understand if he was liking what was happening between them – not that there was much to understand – and more time to reflect on the situation. Maybe he would have come to regret everything, or maybe not, who knows.

The only thing Oikawa knew was that in that moment, in that late hour, against the wall, there was nothing more than those kisses.

_Things had changed._

No, things hadn't only changed.

_Things change, always, but only if we let them._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WANT TO HUG EVERY ONE OF YOU.  
> Thanks for your support ; v ;
> 
> If you want to just pass by and say hi, ask for some info about the updates or kill us because of what happens in the story, you can find us on twitter! I'm the one who always writes nonsense in the notes, xAmalie (https://twitter.com/betweenAJ14) while JKiryu is (https://twitter.com/_Composer) ♥


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know that whenever we read a new comment, we start giggling like idiots, right?   
> What? You didn't? Well, now you know.

Oikawa still couldn't believe how those burning touches against his bare back could make him become such a shivering, insatiable mess or how those sinuous fingers were able to make him plead for more. They were so slow and light that Oikawa couldn't help but arch his back every time the feather-like touches grazed his skin, feeling every inch of his body melt under those attention, rendering him powerless to do or say anything.

Powerless to react to Matsukawa.

Their lips were barely touching. Neither of them dared to move while Matsukawa's touches on Oikawa's body continued, down his hips and up his stomach, under his t-shirt, just to splay his hands on the other's chest a second later.

Oikawa and Matsukawa were provoking each other, and they both knew that. But beyond their touches, beyond the shudders they were causing, they didn't seem willing to give up that exchange of looks. They stayed still, breathing each other's air, inhaling sharply whenever one of them dared to rake harder his nails across the other's skin.

It was a game that was making them feel dizzy, but that Oikawa couldn't play for long, unable to resist the urgent needs that Matsukawa had instilled in him. He had become addicted to those attentions, he adored how effortlessly Matsukawa could make him forget all his problems.

It was just curiosity at first, an innocent thought of, _"If a kiss made me feel that way, who knows what else could Matsukawa make me feel"_ , but after the stolen kiss on the stairs of the locker room, the situation had gotten completely out of hand. With Iwaizumi, with Hanamaki, with Matsukawa, with himself. He had underestimated how easy and quickly everything could change, how things could become weirder in less than a week.

Six mere days had passed and there Oikawa was, trying to forget about the terrible epiphany he'd had the night before, the reason why he was so eager to forget everything and clear his mind.

\- - - - -  
 _First Day: What happened after the first kiss_

That evening, Oikawa returned home with only the desire to yell, to cast away the adrenaline that was still making him feel overexcited. His mind was blank, no questions or doubts clogging his thoughts, except for the burning memory of what had happened with his teammate half an hour before, in front of their school.

He didn't know why he had done it, nor did he want to search for an answer, but he was certain that he had liked it and that he would have never, ever complained about that so-called incident.

That was enough for him. _For now._

Nevertheless, staring at the ceiling while laying in his bed didn't help Oikawa stop thinking about Matsukawa. He just couldn't pretend that everything was alright and act as if nothing had happened between the two of them, not when so many thoughts were floating through his mind, nor when Matsukawa had forced himself into his life in such an overwhelming – and certainly impossible to forget – way.

Never once Oikawa had thought about Matsukawa like a guy he could be with, he had to be honest with himself if he wanted to figure out what to do.  
Iwaizumi? Yes, even when he was dating girls he had always thought that his best friend was, in his own way, cool. He was a pretty nice guy, even though Oikawa had always teased him for not having a girlfriend _“because no one wanted his grumpy face”_. Plus, he was kind to everyone and always ready to help, and... he certainly was well built.

Matsukawa was... well, tall? Taller than him, although only by a few inches, and even thought he wasn't as strong as Iwaizumi, he was well built too. Not too handsome, but certainly not ugly. He was... nice? A cool guy perhaps. But he could always put you at ease with his jokes and was affable when needed, someone you can count on, always. That was a point in his favour. He was trustworthy, a teammate, a friend. Could he, hypothetically, become something more?

Oikawa murmured something to himself, frowning at that question.

And yet, there was something in Matsukawa, something that attracted him dangerously. Not even Iwaizumi was capable of clouding his mind like he could, making him feel like a prey at the whim of the predator, a prey that had however the power to play with the ferocity of the other but that, at the same time, knew he had no chance to escape if the predator lost the will to let him live.

That was why he wanted to scream, to shout until his throat would start to burn, both for the excitement that was flowing through him and the sense of disapproval he was feeling towards himself. He wanted to let out that damn sense of guilt that was now starting to take hold of him, despite the smile that had been printed on his lips since he'd left Matsukawa, which didn't seem to want to disappear.

It was frustrating and also thrilling for a control freak like him, to find himself at the mercy of someone else. Not knowing what Matsukawa wanted to do and being uncertain of what would happen from there on, was a lethal combination in Oikawa's mind.

Going for a run before dinner, eating and taking a shower before going to bed, although not so healthy, helped him put aside his concerns.

For the first time in weeks, he slept well and woke up refreshed and ready to face a new day.

It was weird not having to wait for Iwaizumi in front of his house, but he wasn't surprised. Iwaizumi had made it clear that they would no longer go home together to avoid any kind of embarrassing situation, so it was logical to think that the same was true for going school.

It was pleasant, in some way. Having no one to talk to, wearing headphones and listening to some music while walking at his own pace, thinking about his daily classes, even stopping at a store without being scolded for running late. It wasn't bad, at first.

He and Iwaizumi, under Hanamaki and Matsukawa's obligation, ended up having lunch together on the roof. Oikawa initially felt uncomfortable because of what had happened the day before with his teammate, but Matsukawa didn't say a word, nor he put any pressure on him with his usual grins and jokes. Oikawa didn't know if that was because he cared about what was going on between him and Iwaizumi or because he wanted to keep what happened a secret.

By the end of the lunch break, the four were talking and laughing so naturally that they seemed to have gone back to the way they were before Oikawa's birthday. Matsukawa and Hanamaki joked about everything and Iwaizumi got angry with Oikawa.

Like always.

Even during practice everything seemed to be back to normal, to the delight of the coach and all their teammates.

The only thing ruining that perfect picture of tranquillity and friendship, was a strange feeling that was growing in Oikawa's heart. He had felt it the day before, while arguing with Iwaizumi. He had felt it with Matsukawa, and then when he'd been alone in his room, thinking about everything.

However, he didn't know what it was.

\- - - - -

Oikawa smiled against Matsukawa's lips, tracing their outline with the tip of his tongue just to make Matsukawa lose his calm facade. He didn't seem willing to play Oikawa's game, not even when the captain wrapped his arms around Matsukawa's shoulders to pull him closer. Instead, Matsukawa slipped with his mouth on Oikawa's neck and kissed just below his ear, a gesture that made Oikawa sigh softly.

«Come on,» Matsukawa's breath tickled his ear, «We both know that you'll be the first to give up, why extend the agony?»

Oikawa's heavy breathing stole a smile from Matsukawa, even more when the captain pulled himself away to look at him with an annoyed frown.

«Are you done talking?» Oikawa placed his thumb against Matsukawa's bottom lip, brushing against it as if he was considering what he wanted more, to kiss him or to see him lose his temper. When he cupped Matsukawa's face between his hands and run his fingers lightly over his nape, smiling and whispering, the answer became clear. «I'm not here for some friendly chat, I told you.»

The locker room was empty and so was the gym. They didn't even know how long they'd stayed for with excuse of getting some extra practice, after all of their teammates had gone home. Iwaizumi had been the first one to leave, followed by the others.  
That was the moment Oikawa and Matsukawa had been waiting for.

No obligations, no strings attached.

That's what they had decided the first time they had found themselves alone in the gym.

\- - - - -  
 _Second Day: No obligations_

«The tournament is less than two months away! I know you all remember the last frustrating defeat against Shiratorizawa and it's with that feeling of helplessness in your mind that you have to give your best! It will give you the strength to continue and win, against both Karasuno and Shiratorizawa.» These were the words that rang in Oikawa's head every time he threw the ball into the air, every time he jumped and served with all his strength.

_Toss, run, jump, serve._

Again.

_Toss, run, jump, serve._

He didn't even have to think, since his body was so used to those movements. He had no space for doubts, thoughts or questions. The only thing he needed was to continue to practice hard, until his body was no longer able to continue, until his muscles and bones would start to shake because of the fatigue, which would also cloud his mind and suppress the feelings that were haunting him.

In less than two month he finally would have played against Karasuno and Shiratorizawa again. He would set foot again on that court that he loved so much, under the gaze of hundreds of spectators and filled with adrenaline.

_Even if our opponent's some genius first-year or Ushiwaka, the team with the better six is the strongest._

He had to become stronger, for himself and his teammates, so he could give them his best on the court. That was his responsibility, as the captain and setter of his team.

Oikawa picked up another ball from the cart and rolled it in his hands. He took a deep breath while his eyes studied the other half of the court, searching for the right spot where to serve, and once he found it, he inhaled slowly. He could see everything: his opponents, their determination, their will to win and destroy him and his team, like he had ever done. He could see Ushijima, waiting for his serve, but he wasn't alone. Not this time. There was someone else on that court, another player Oikawa wanted to crush.

«Tobio...» Oikawa closed his eyes and took another breath, quieting his heart too.

Silence surrounded him, then he widened his eyes. He threw the ball in the air and bent down, ready to run and jump, but a sudden sharp pain in his right knee made him stop.  
Oikawa cursed softly, watching the ball fall in front of him and bounce away. Not that this prevented him to go on with his practice, in fact he was already about to take another ball from the cart when a familiar voice drew his attention on the gym's door.

«Just because Iwaizumi is not here, it doesn't mean that you are free to hurt yourself.»

Matsukawa was leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed on his chest, looking at Oikawa with an hint of a smile on his lips. He was wearing his school uniform, but he didn't have his bag nor he looked like he was about to go home.

«Mattsun, are you sick? It's not like you to stay in school until late, you usually run away as soon as possible.» Oikawa grinned at him, then he bit back another curse when, trying to walk, the pain in his knee made him wince.  
«To tell you the truth, I was about to leave.» Matsukawa took off his shoes at the door to approach Oikawa. «Then I noticed the lights were still on. It didn't take me long to figure out that you'd stayed back, and I certainly couldn't allow my captain to hurt himself, right? So, here I am, just for you, you can thank me later.»

Oikawa sighed and shook his head, rolling his eyes in disbelief.

«Yeah, sure, thank you, but we don't have a lot of time left and I can't afford to rest.»  
«On the contrary, it's because there's little time left that you should rest. What if you injure yourself?»

Oikawa looked at Matsukawa, then at the balls scattered all over the gym and the few still in the cart. Matsukawa knew what the other was about to do, taking him by his wrist as Oikawa tried to pick up another ball.

Oikawa looked up at him, but on Matsukawa's lips he only found the same, calm smile of before, even when he tightened the grip on his wrist.

«I said,» Matsukawa sharpened his gaze on Oikawa. «You should rest. You've done enough for today.»  
«You're not my mother, Mattsun.»  
«Oh, so Iwaizumi can tell you when to stop, but others can't?»

Oikawa didn't know why hearing Iwaizumi's name made him feel so uncomfortable. Or was it anger? Disappointment? Sadness? He just knew that he hated it. It was already difficult enough to keep smiling despite knowing that it would have been better to confront Iwaizumi and really face what was going on, nipping that nonsense in the bud, rather than avoid each other. It was only the second day and he was already regretting all his choices, so Matsukawa didn't have to pour salt into his open wound – although he probably wasn't doing it on purpose, and that was the only reason Oikawa wasn't angry at him. Not entirely, at least.

«You know that you won't make me change my mind just by naming Iwa-chan, right?»  
«What makes you think that I care about him right now?» Matsukawa freed him from his grip and placed his hands on his hips, tilting his chin up. «I'm worried that you could injure yourself before the tournament, you idiot.»

Of course Oikawa didn't want to get injured. He'd go crazy if such a thing happened – he did want to play, after all. That was why Oikawa calmed himself, heaving a sigh before throwing a glance at his friend.

«Okay, as you wish.» A faint smile appeared on his lips. «I'm done for today, but since you're forcing me to leave, you'll clean up!»  
«Don't even think about it, why should I!? I suggest you to start tidying up or I'll tell the coach to forbid you from doing any extra practice because of your knee. And if I were you, I wouldn't try to run away. In your conditions, you wouldn't be able to.»  
«Oh? Mattsun, do you want to lock me up in here with you so bad?»

Maybe that hadn't been the best choice of words.

It took Oikawa a moment to understand what he'd just said, but when he did, it was unfortunately too late. Matsukawa was already staring at him, sharpening his eyes on Oikawa as he silently scanned his body, studying him.  
Oikawa swallowed the lump in his throat and instinctively put his hands in front of him, almost in surrender, or maybe just to shield himself. A second later, he was already at the other side of the court, tidying up his own mess.

The entire time, Matsukawa's burning gaze never left his back. He knew that Matsukawa wasn't going to help him, in fact, from the corner of his eye Oikawa saw him leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest. Not that Oikawa complained, since he couldn't even speak or reciprocate his gaze.

Oikawa had never changed his clothes so fast, and not just because he couldn't wait to go home, since he was starving. Knowing that once at home he would have enjoyed his mother's delicacies, was giving him enough of an energy boost. But no, that wasn't the only reason.

It was since he'd started cleaning the gym that his heart had been pounding fast, aware that Matsukawa had followed his every move, heard his every breath, his every sigh when the tension had reached the climax, just when Oikawa was about to leave the gym after finishing tidying up.

Somewhere inside himself, he knew what was about to happen, and he couldn't help but ask himself _why_ his heart was racing so much at the thought.

Oikawa had just finished buttoning his pants and had sat down to tie his shoes, when Matsukawa's shadow blocked the light, towering above him. He looked up and crossed his eyes with Matsukawa's, then he straightened his back.

«Mattsun?»

He didn't get an answer, but it's not like Oikawa was expecting one.

His skin prickled when Matsukawa's hand reached his cheek, caressing it with the tip of his fingers before grasping his chin with both thumb and index to force Oikawa to look up at him, straight in the eye.

Oikawa had been waiting for that, which is why when Matsukawa bent down to kiss him, he didn't pull back. On the contrary, he parted his lips to deepen the kiss the moment Matsukawa did, their tongues meeting in that slow, hot, and pretty damn sensual dance, savouring every escaped breath.  
Oikawa reached Matsukawa's nape with his hand and tightened the grip on his hair, tilting his head a bit to seal their lips together and smother every possible gasp.

Like it had already happened, he felt his mind being freed of any thought, his body react to those touches rather than to what his rationality was telling him, but there was also a huge difference. A nice difference. Unlike that evening, when he had felt excited but also afraid of that blackout, this time he was... at peace, because he knew that if he was feeling so good, it was all thanks to Matsukawa and his overwhelming presence.

Oikawa was exhausted, too tired to think, and yet Matsukawa was able to sweep away everything. He couldn't help but wonder, _how_ did he do that? But above all...

«Why?»

Matsukawa pulled away to look at him, arching an eyebrow before frowning.

«What do you mean?» He whispered against Oikawa's lips, not letting him go.  
«Why are you doing this?»  
«Why shouldn't I?» Matsukawa replied with a shrug.  
«You said that you didn't want to do anything for now, what made you change your mind?»

Matsukawa brushed their lips together again while looking into the other's eyes.

«I like to kiss you,» Matsukawa murmured, his voice mellow and sweet. «Just this»  
«But-»  
«I can stop if you don't like it.»  
«I didn't say that,» Oikawa shook his head slowly, as much as Matsukawa's grip would allow him to. «But I don't think this is right. I mean, I don't even know why I'm letting you do what you want and not pushing you away. And I can't even tell what's on your mind, why are you doing this. You said that you like to kiss me, but... we're not dating. I don't want to sound annoying, but-»  
«You do sound annoying. And boring,» Matsukawa grinned, but before Oikawa could reply, he added, «But I somehow understand what you're trying to say.»  
«So?»  
«Well, dating someone shouldn't be an obligation. I simply think that there's no need to put a label on something just because everyone does. Neither one of us is in a relationship, right? So why shouldn't we do what we like? We can stop whenever we want, precisely because we are not dating.»

Even though Oikawa wasn't quite convinced, he knew Matsukawa had a point. It was true that they were both single, there was nothing that would have prevented them from doing such a thing, and yet he couldn't help but feel guilty. He felt that what they were doing wasn't right, because he had once promised Iwaizumi to avoid any reckless decision and instead he was there, flirting with Matsukawa, kissing him. He'd told Iwaizumi that he wouldn't throw himself into some weird situation, that moments like that were meant to be shared with people you love...

_So why isn't he here with me?_

Oikawa's eyes widened when that thought crossed his mind. Not even a second later, as if his mouth wanted to challenge those sick thoughts, casting them away, he spoke.

«No strings attached?»  
Matsukawa nodded, «No strings attached.»

What followed those words, was the kiss with which Matsukawa wiped everything from Oikawa's mind.

\- - - - -

«Always the locker room. Such a cliché.» Oikawa pursed his lips in what seemed an annoyed expression, but his rosy cheeks and his choked breaths betrayed how much he was liking that teasing game that was going on between the two of them.

Matsukawa smiled against his neck, his hands returning on his captain's chest and then sliding down at his sides, where they paused. He kissed his chin, then his cheek, only to stop an inch from his mouth.

«Clichés are not always a bad thing,» he whispered on his lips before softly biting the bottom one.  
«I didn't say they are bad,» Oikawa grinned slyly, «And by the way, you lost.»  
«What!?» Matsukawa pulled back, eyes widened. «Why!?»  
«You kissed me.» Oikawa mocked in a sing-song voice.  
«And you call that a kiss? Please. I'm offended.»  
«Then show me a real one.»  
Matsukawa's smile blossomed into a grin, «Such a snotty, spoiled brat you are...»

Feeling Matsukawa's fingers trace the muscles of his abdomen made Oikawa inhale sharply. When his hands then moved from his stomach to the edge of his shirt, he couldn't help but raise his arms so that Matsukawa could remove it, letting it fall on the nearby bench before reaching Oikawa's cheeks with his hands to pull him closer.

Matsukawa brushed his thumb against Oikawa's lower lip, watching as his mouth parted for that touch. His breath was hot against his finger, and he was feeling feverish just by looking at Oikawa's languid eyes watching him, waiting for his next move.

«Don't look at me like that.»

Oikawa didn't have the chance to ask what he meant with “like that”, because Matsukawa slipped his hand on Oikawa's neck to pull him closer and kiss him harshly. His tongue searched for its twin, slipping against it while stealing Oikawa's breath in a frantic need, feeding on the whimpers that escaped from their mouths every time Matsukawa pulled back. Only a second, just the time needed to take a glimpse of Oikawa's fiery glances, then he kissed him again, while their saliva coated their swollen lips.

Oikawa loved how Matsukawa was able to make a clean sweep of his thoughts, but more than anything he loved the confidence with which he spoke, with which he kissed him and touched him, as if he had no doubt about it. Perhaps that was the reason why he could let himself go: because Matsukawa had managed to fully get his attention.

«Mattsun...» A begged whisper when Matsukawa's lips traced down his neck to his collarbones, where he bit lightly.

Oikawa shuddered and instinctively threw his head back to give him space, so that the other could continue with that sweet torture. He could feel Matsukawa's hands on his chest, his hips, his waist, his fingers ghosting over his back, and every touch burned so much that he could feel his whole body flush. Being so appreciated was a wonderful feeling, seeing the lust in someone else's eyes and knowing that you were the cause of it was almost indescribable. But above everything, he loved being at the mercy of all those feelings – _right feelings_ – that he'd never felt before.

_When you're being intimate with your girlfriend –_ no, not just a girlfriend, but whoever you like _– you should feel a lot of things._

At first Oikawa hadn't understood the meaning behind those words, but now Iwaizumi's-.

_Iwaizumi._

Oikawa intertwined his fingers in Matsukawa's hair as soon as his best friend's name began to creep into his mind. Without thinking twice, he pulled him closer and kissed him with fervour and need, leaving his friend no time to wonder what had made him act like that.

He didn't want to think about it. He didn't need to remind himself how unfair what he was doing was, both to Iwaizumi and to Matsukawa. The only thing he needed at that moment was to feel someone at his side, someone capable of making him let go of his doubts for at least an hour, someone who wouldn't leave him.

\- - - - -  
 _Third Day: Not quite right_

In his drowsiness, Oikawa heard his sister's voice the moment she entered the house, laughing with their mother about something he couldn't quite understand. He knew that she had the day off and that Takeru was on a school trip, so she was there to help their mother with the house, but having to endure Machi's eloquence so early in the morning was something that, to tell the truth, he didn't miss at all. He couldn't stand her energy, since Oikawa wasn't an early person at all.

Nevertheless, it was nice to have breakfast together like they used to and it certainly helped Oikawa to ease the tension and to make him forget about how his life had been changing so much in just a month.

He was so happy that he hadn't even complained when his sister had opened the door of his bedroom before the alarm could go off. He hadn't even complained when she had forced him to get out of bed by suddenly opening the curtains. And seriously, he was so serene that he _almost_ hadn't complained when his sister had entered the bathroom to change the towels while he was still taking a shower.

«Machi, do you know the meaning of the word “privacy”!?» Oikawa shouted as soon as he stepped into the dining room, where his sister was already eating, sitting comfortably at the table.  
«The curtains are there for that, I assure you that I saw nothing!»  
«I don't care what you saw, you shouldn't come into the bathroom while someone is taking a shower! I bet that even dad would say something if it happened to him!» Oikawa sat down next to her, but when he turned towards his father with a clear intention to seek moral support, the man glanced warily at both of them, a sign that he didn't want to be involved in their discussions.  
«But you're my brother!»  
«If you can't give your brother some privacy, I don't want to know what you'll do with someone else! That's why you're still single!»  
«That's a low blow!»  
«Stop shouting and eat. Tooru, did you see what time it is? You'll be late for school. And Machi, stop provoking him.» Their mother sighed.

When Oikawa left the house to go to school, the smile on his lips was genuine. He was really in a good mood, happy to have spent some quality time with his sister, even if not for long. Despite the bathroom incident, an hour with his family was everything he had needed to stop thinking about how unfair his situation was.

At that point, _"unfair"_ was the only word in his mind.

Oikawa stopped when he reached Iwaizumi's house, turning to look at it. The music in his ears distracted him, but it was undeniable that that situation made him feel unease.

The more he wanted to stop thinking about Iwaizumi, the more he couldn't help but drown in his own thoughts. He hated it.  
Oikawa didn't want Iwaizumi at his side, or... well, he did, but he certainly wouldn't cry because he wasn't there with him. Laughing and joking while going to school had always been their routine, but that was gone now. And seriously, deep down he was okay with it if that was what Iwaizumi really wanted.

Iwaizumi wanted them to stop going school together? Perfect. He wanted to avoid being alone with him? Okay. Was he happy because of his choices? Who knows, maybe. But Oikawa? Was Oikawa happy? Yes, when he wasn't thinking about it.  
That was why, when Oikawa saw Iwaizumi walking towards the school's gate, he hid his thoughts behind his usual smile.

«Good morning, Iwa-chan!»

Brooding wasn't an option.

\- - - - -

Matsukawa took advantage of Oikawa's boldness to run his fingers lightly over his naked sides, pushing him against the wall without breaking the kiss.

From the first time the two had kissed, everything had changed. That evening, both on the stairs and outside the school, Oikawa had been taken aback. He hadn't known what to say or how to react, if it was right to kiss Matsukawa after the argument he'd had with Iwaizumi.  
After a week, it was different. Their encounters had become occasions to challenge and provoke the other in an attempt to prevail, in a game of looks and alluring smiles.

\- - - - -  
 _Fourth Day: None of his business_

«Can I know what's going on?»

Oikawa looked up when he heard Hanamaki's question.

Taking advantage of the last few days of good summer weather, they had decided to eat lunch on the school's rooftop. Iwaizumi had been called to the counsellor's office and Matsukawa was studying for a test he hadn't known about until that morning, so it was just the two of them.

«What are you talking about, Makki?»  
«You know what I mean, don't play dumb. It's clear that your and Iwaizumi's attempt to forget everything isn't going well, now there's even more tension between you two. And what's going on between you and Matsukawa? I can't believe you have convinced him to stay for some extra practices, it's quite surreal. What's his gain?»

You didn't have to be a genius to realize that the atmosphere between Oikawa and Iwaizumi hadn't improved at all. Only four days had passed, so it would have been strange if everything was already suddenly “fixed”, but neither of them had made a single step forward to restore their friendship.  
They talked, laughed, practiced as if nothing had happened, that was true, but it was completely different from before. There was no longer the same harmony as before, the usual _"one look is enough to understand each other"_.

As for Matsukawa... well, what could he say? After their agreement, making it clear that there were no expectations of any kind between them, everything was almost too quiet. Matsukawa had even accepted that Oikawa, like he had confessed him, was getting into it just to blow off steam and indulge in a moment of peace. In the end, neither one of them felt something serious for the other.

_"No strings attached."_

Both of them were doing it because they liked it, but if he had to explain the situation to someone else... damn it, it would have been embarrassing.

«Does Iwaizumi know?»  
«Know what?»  
«About you and Matsukawa.»

Oikawa sharpened his eyes on him and stared at Hanamaki for a long time, trying to understand what he was insinuating and especially what he really knew about the whole situation.  
Hanamaki didn't speak, he simply waited for Oikawa's answer, and that was when the captain understood. He should have expected that.

«Let me guess, you talked with Mattsun.»  
«Did you really think that I wouldn't have known?»  
«Then say it, don't pretend to not know anything.»  
«Actually, I don't want to know what you do in your free time, but your boyfriend is an asshole and he told me everything.»  
«Mattsun is not my boyfriend,» Oikawa frowned.  
«I know that too, but I like to see that troubled expression on your face sometimes. So? Iwaizumi?»

Hanamaki crossed his legs and propped his hands behind himself to support the weight of his body. His eyes were fixed on his captain, still waiting for an answer.

«No, he doesn't know and I don't see why I should tell him. It's none of his business. And I'm not doing anything wrong with Mattsun.»  
«I'm not saying that you're doing something wrong, but I remember too well Iwaizumi's reaction the last time you kissed a guy.» Hanamaki pointed at himself, grimacing at the memory. «Haven't you thought about what he could do if he found out what you're doing?»

Oikawa remembered it too.

It had been the moment when his doubts had exploded in his mind and had turned into new questions. Why had Iwaizumi done it? Why had he behaved like that? Why the icy stare? Why sitting at his side a moment later? And why hadn't he left him alone, not even for a moment?  
There had been only questions in his head. And with what had happened in his best friend's room, those questions hadn't certainly found an answer. Indeed, deepest feelings had started to grow in him, but he didn't want to relive them in that moment, with Hanamaki.

«Look, we haven't done anything weird, okay?» It was true, since they had never gone further than kissing. «Although what I do shouldn't concern Iwa-chan.»  
«Avoiding the issue won't get you anywhere, Oikawa. It sounds weird coming from me, but I don't care what you do, I told you, I just want to prevent another fight.»

Oikawa looked at Hanamaki with the corner of his eye before diverting again his attention somewhere else.  
Not that the idea of telling everything to Iwaizumi hadn't already crossed his mind, but... he didn't have the courage. He didn't even know why, but thinking about telling him the truth hurt a lot.

Those moments with Matsukawa were enjoyable because they were brief, overwhelming and mostly free from all his worries, because with his teammate Oikawa could forget them. Telling Iwaizumi or anyone else what they were doing, would have meant dealing with the reasons why he hadn't rejected Matsukawa from the beginning.

No, he couldn't do it. The very idea of looking at Iwaizumi in his eyes, telling him what he and Matsukawa did, confessing to him what was going on in his head, made his chest tighten.

\- - - - -

«Mattsun, are you going easy on me today?» Oikawa murmured in a low voice.

He needed more. The thoughts were always there, hidden behind a corner and ready to assault him as soon as they had the chance. He could hear them vibrate in his head, waiting to take over his mind and choke his coveted freedom.

Matsukawa had to let himself go rather than worrying about who knows what, or Oikawa wouldn't have a way to smother the guilt he felt for what he was doing, since he had an infinite number of reasons to stop.

_Give me more. I don't want to think, make me stop caring, make me forget everything, Mattsun._

Matsukawa seemed to read Oikawa's mind, because he sighed against his lips.

«It would be easier if you hadn't made it clear that we won't end up sleeping together, so I'm sorry to disappoint you, but that's all we can afford.»

Oikawa was fickle and he certainly wasn't known for always making the best decision in his private life, but he wasn't stupid. At least, not stupid enough to have sex with a guy just because he was curious about what it would feel like. As he had already told Matsukawa, he had no intention of going all the way with the first guy he had a fling with.

However, that didn't mean they couldn't push themselves a bit further than usual.

Oikawa slid his hands on Matsukawa's hips and pulled him closer, tilting his chin up as soon as their bodies were pressed together. He kissed Matsukawa's jaw, then his cheek and under his ear before sensually tugging his earlobe with his teeth.

A boost of adrenaline was everything Oikawa needed to cloud his mind and suppress the thoughts that Matsukawa himself had instilled in him.

\- - - - -  
 _Fifth day:What's in his mind_

«How's Iwaizumi?»

Oikawa's eyes met Matsukawa's as he turned towards him, surprised by the sudden question and amazed that Matsukawa was the one asking that. In his gaze, there was the same knowledge that Oikawa had read into Hanamaki's the day before.

«Oh, come on! Seriously? Can't you two shut up for once instead of gossiping about other people's business!?»  
«I don't know what you're talking about. Why are you saying that?»  
«Because yesterday Makki asked me the same question! Can't you even try to pretend that you know nothing?» Oikawa shook his head, while Matsukawa let out a faint laugh.  
«Okay, you're right, but I'm really interested . We're on the same boat after all.»

Oikawa looked at him from the corner of his eye as he climbed the stairs to the locker room, pondering whether to talk to him or not.

Matsukawa knew most of what was crossing his mind and how stressed out he was, but it was hard for Oikawa to feel at peace with himself knowing that his friend, the one he was using to run away from his problems and the same one who was asking him a simple question, had silently accepted everything, saying that he didn't mind the reason behind his actions.  
At the very least he owed him an explanation, right?

«How do you think it is?» The captain opened the locker room's door and threw the keys on a bench, where he sat down soon after with a tired sigh. He closed his eyes, adding, «You can see it by yourself. We're pretending everything's okay, but nothing's changing. Even if we try to act as we used to, it's clear that we can't. I can't.»  
«That's because it's stupid to believe you can act as you used to after what has happened, don't you think?»

Oikawa laughed bitterly.  
Was Matsukawa really asking him if he had thought about that?

«I think about it day and night, all the time. The only time when I'm able to forget it is when I'm with you, otherwise it's a constant thought,» he replied in a whisper. «It's silly to continue with this charade when we both know that it's not going anywhere. I can't stop thinking about what happened and Iwa-chan clearly can't get over it. I see how he tries to put some distance between us every time I get close to him, I know him too well to think that he's not doing it on purpose. So... why can't we talk about it once and for all? And believe me, I know it's hypocritical coming from me, since I can't even bring myself to tell him about us, although there is nothing wrong with what we're doing here. The only thing I know is that I would really like to clarify everything and go back to how we used to be.»

Silence followed his words, before Matsukawa broke it, «You know what's really absurd?»

Oikawa opened his eyes and met Matsukawa's serious gaze.

«That you still haven't realized that you're in love with Iwaizumi.»

\- - - - -

Suddenly, Matsukawa's grip tightened.  
A moment Oikawa was facing Matsukawa, demanding more, and the next he was facing the cold wall, his chest pressed against it. Fingers run through Oikawa's hair, pulling them back from his forehead before grasping them, making Oikawa arch his back against Matsukawa's chest.

He hadn't even realized what had happened, but everything became clear when Matsukawa's hot breath tickled his ear as he spoke with an amused voice, «Better?»

Oikawa gulped when the other pressed their hips together, shoving his knee between his legs to block any movement. He looked up at him, his heart beating faster than ever, and licked his suddenly dry lips as they tilted into a smile.

«It could be even better.»  
«You're weird today,» Matsukawa whispered again, kissing his nape and biting his neck right after.

Oikawa shivered when a rush of pleasure run along his back, forcing him to squint and bite his lower lip to choke a strangled noise. He leaned with both arms on the wall in front of him, a vain attempt to support himself since he could already feel his legs tremble slightly, and tilted his head on a side.  
Matsukawa took advantage of it and went on with his torture, biting and sucking his nape while his hands continued sliding over the other's bare skin, teasing him with feathery touches along his hips.

Despite himself, Oikawa had started to realize that he loved when he was at someone else's mercy like that. Being cornered, unable to react, unable to do anything but surrender to what the other wanted. It was also the reason why, the night of his birthday, while kissing Iwaizumi, he had felt so excited. Trapped under his body, unable to mov-

_No._

«You're not complaining, are you?» Oikawa teased, trying to erase those thoughts with his words.  
«I don't see why I should.» Matsukawa lazily caressed his outer thigh with his hand.  
«Yeah... why would you?» This time, Oikawa didn't try to smother the barely audible moan that escaped his lips.

There was something more important than caring about making some noise.

They were there, Oikawa could hear them resounding in his mind: the memories, the thoughts and the doubts of the night before, the same ones that were making his heart pound painfully. The darkness he had craved so much, his only shield against his messed up life, was fading away. Soon enough, all of his fears would have become a reality he would have had to face rather than suppress it.

He couldn't allow it. He wasn't going to feel miserable again because of something he had so desperately tried to hide, even to himself. He needed more than those caresses, those pleasant kisses and thrilling bites. If all that wasn't enough, he would have accepted anything – _anything_ – if it meant he could stop thinking about _him_.

Oikawa closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against the wall, sighing and clenching his captive fists when Matsukawa's breath tickled his nape and then his earlobe.

«What's wrong?» Matsukawa whispered.

_Anything_ , echoed in his mind.

Oikawa turned his head towards Matsukawa as much as he could, looking at him with an hint of a smile on his lips. Slowly, he moved away from the wall and pressed his back against Matsukawa's chest, before looking up at him. He parted his lips and licked them with the tip of his tongue, grinning, and finally he pleaded with his husky voice.

«Issei, more.»

\- - - - -  
 _Sixth Day:Epiphany_

The more Oikawa thought about it, the more he was sure that it was true. Everything had acquired a new meaning, every glance and every emotion, and yet, he couldn't help but ask himself how stupid could he be for not noticing it before.

It had always been there, under his nose. That something he'd always searched for in the past, when he still believed that he was attracted to girls. That something he'd always seen in the eyes of whoever had confessed their feelings to him.

How could he have been so blind? So naive?

_Because this is right_ , the voice in his head repeated again, _this is what everyone feels when they're with someone they like._

But nothing _felt_ right. He knew that feeling something so deep for his best friend wasn't right, his life was a mess and his heart didn't help to lessen the burden.

It wasn't fair.

_That's why I want him by my side, why kissing him was so nice, why I feel so good when I'm with him, why seeing him the morning makes me smile and my heart skips a beat when he greets me with his usual sullen expression._

How had he not realized it before? It was so obvious! After all, ever since their first kiss, it had been impossible to avoid thinking about Iwaizumi.

No, actually... he knew why.

He hadn't noticed it because being with Iwaizumi had always been their routine. They'd always slept at the each other's houses, they'd always spent their days together, they'd always gone to school, to practice and home together. They'd always been _together_ , because beyond their quarrels and their never ending teasing, they trusted each other, they loved each other. As best friends.

_But not anymore._

Oikawa curled up further on his bed and tightened the grip on his pillow, sinking his face in it.

When had his feelings for Iwaizumi started to change?

Oikawa remembered when Iwaizumi had told him to imagine how he would feel if he was dating him. The thought hadn't disgusted him, but he'd also said that Iwaizumi was different, special, because they were childhood friends. How could it have been otherwise? They had always shared everything, ever since they were little kids. Even if Oikawa had said it innocently, he seriously believed that Iwaizumi could have been his soulmate.

Was that a good excuse to start daydreaming about kissing him? Because that's the first thing that came to his mind when he thought about what kissing a guy could feel like. But he had done it because of Iwaizumi's insinuation about his possible attraction to boys, right? Not because he had really wanted to kiss him... or at least, he had always thought that that was the reason.

«Iwa-chan...»

Then the day of his birthday had come along. Throughout the evening he had been throwing glances at him from the corner of his eye, sometimes even staring shamelessly at him. Why he had done it? And why he had felt so irritated when he'd found out that Iwaizumi had hidden so many things from him?

Okay, he knew that Iwaizumi had had girlfriends in the past, it wasn't something new. Indeed, it would have been strange if he hadn't. Yet, he couldn't get over it, he didn't like it. Even thinking about it after months, imagining him with someone else, kissing someone else, made his stomach clench.

What had he felt seeing Matsukawa and Hanamaki fulfil their obligations? Why had seeing them flirting instilled in him the need to look for Iwaizumi? At that time, he had been so afraid to know the answer that he had just set those questions aside.  
And what about when Iwaizumi had yanked Hanamaki away from him? Fear had frozen Oikawa in place because of his glare, but aside from the concern for what could have happened, he'd also felt an anomalous heat when Iwaizumi had stopped them.

«Tooru, do you need anything? Because I'm going to bed.»

Oikawa looked at the door as if he was able to see his mother behind it.

«No, thank you. I'm fine.»  
«Okay then, goodnight.»  
«'night.»

He waited until he could no longer hear her steps in the hallway, then he sighed. He turned on his other side, closing his eyes and letting himself sink for just a moment in that silence, then he opened them again and fixed them on the wall in front of him.

Once again, memories started flowing.

Why had he not suspected something when Iwaizumi had kissed him and he had melted into his arms? Why had he not realized that the very idea of wanting to kiss him was already stupid and foolish? That would have been enough to put doubts in someone's head, but apparently not in his. Instead, Oikawa had kissed him over and over again, he had shared his bed and felt a pang of sadness when he'd woken up and found the other had already left. He couldn't deny that, in his heart, he had wanted to wake up with Iwaizumi at his side, not that empty, cold space.

_«Let's forget about everything, okay?»_ As if!

Then they had talked, both in the kitchen and in the bedroom. Again, they had addressed the issue and again they had promised to stop talking about it. Well, at least until the night of the most embarrassing phone call of his life, the one that had marked the decline of their relationship

_What the hell was I thinking about that night?_

It seemed impossible that such a thing had actually happened. He was ashamed of himself, but he couldn't deny that he never wanted to forget the warmth he had felt, Iwaizumi's deep voice on the phone and the countless scenarios he had fantasized about.

If he'd been honest with himself, then that night he would have probably understood his real feelings towards Iwaizumi. Maybe, if he'd been honest, he would have also told Iwaizumi about the doubts and thoughts he'd been having since their first kiss. It would have probably solved everything faster and they wouldn't have ended up in that situation.

But Oikawa wasn't honest, neither with other people nor with himself. And so, after the incident, they had stopped talking. No more spending time together as they used to, no more laughing and joking.

Even though Iwaizumi wanted to forget, trying to convince himself that everything would go back to "normal" sooner or later, he was wrong. While Iwaizumi had tried to get away, Oikawa had only felt the need to pull him closer. The more the other put distance between them, the more Oikawa wanted to tell him that he didn't want to part from him, that he wanted to be by his side, to touch him, to kiss him like that night. He wanted to feel his warmth, his body against his own, drowning in those feelings that finally had a name, only because someone had made him brutally face the truth.

_I love Iwa-chan._

\- - - - -

Matsukawa intertwined his fingers through Oikawa's hair, pulling his head back without any kindness to kiss him with an intensity that took his breath away.  
Oikawa panted against his lips, taken aback when Matsukawa slightly lowered his shorts and slid the tips of his fingers on his skin, ghosting on his hips from over his boxer.

No one had ever kissed Oikawa like that. It was as if, with his words, he had obliterated Matsukawa's self-control. It was fiery, passionate, lead by their instincts, nothing more. The way Matsukawa was biting his bottom lip, sucking his tongue before swirling it around his own in such a needy and desperate rhythm, heedless of how their saliva was starting to fill their mouths... it was breathtaking.

Oikawa narrowed his eyes and followed the kiss. His breathing was muffled by the other's mouth and his legs seemed ready to collapse under his weight at any moment, but that was fine. That was, after all, what he'd asked for.

He didn't want to remember how he'd felt thrilled at the idea of being in love with Iwaizumi, only to realize a moment later that those feelings would never lead to anything, that Iwaizumi would never love him back and that their relationship would never be the same as it was before. He had decided to avoid him after what had happened on the phone, so who knows how he would have reacted if Oikawa had confessed his feelings to him.

No, he didn't want to think about it. He would have all the time in the world to face his regrets, but in that moment he just wanted to feel good. He was there with Matsukawa to forget about his problems, not to wallow in them.

That was why, without hesitation, Oikawa reached out and grabbed Matsukawa's neck, tightening his grip to hold him close while the kiss stole all the oxygen from his lungs.

Matsukawa didn't think twice – or maybe, he didn't think at all. While kissing Oikawa, pressing him against the wall without any apparent intention of letting him go, he squeezed his hip and slowly run with his fingers along the waistband of his boxer.  
However, Matsukawa didn't lower them. He didn't want to, not in some locker room, and not now that Oikawa was – for some reason he didn't care about – losing his mind. But that didn't mean that they had to stop. Instead of lowering them, in fact, he tormented Oikawa by caressing his groin from above his boxer, making him whine against his mouth.

It was all too good, all too overwhelming. Neither one of them seemed uncomfortable. They wanted it, they craved it, they _needed_ it.

Perhaps, it was for this reason that they didn't notice when the irreparable happened.

Maybe, if they hadn't been so focused on each other, they would have heard the steps outside the locker room. They would have had time to separate, pull themselves together and pretend nothing was happening. Maybe they could have even found a plausible excuse.

Unfortunately, they were still kissing in that shameless position when the door opened.

«What the... What the hell are you doing?» Iwaizumi's voice suddenly burst into the room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're deeply sorry for the cliffhanger.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I [Amalie] am not quite satisfied with this chapter?? I don't know. There's something I don't like, but I guess it can happen after writing so much. We'll do our best in the next one.

«I didn't know you were such a drama queen! Come on, I don't need to know all the background to know that what you're doing is stupid. Pretending that nothing happened? The last time I've done something like that I was in fifth grade at most. And I assure you that avoiding each other is useless and it will make things more complicated.» Hanamaki sighed and shook his head, looking at Iwaizumi. «I know it's awkward, but believe me. You'll feel better and it will be easier to move on. Just an advice, from personal experience.»

Iwaizumi looked at Hanamaki from the corner of his eye, too busy fiddling with the water bottle in his hands to actually pay attention to the advice his friend was trying to give him. However, that last statement partly intrigued him.  
Hanamaki understood that he had somehow managed to capture the other's interest, because he snorted and smiled in an annoyed way, crossing his arms on his chest and leaning back on the park's bench where they had settled down to talk after practice.

Even though summer was almost over, the gentle breeze around them was still pleasant. It was almost dinner time, the sun was starting to set and only a few families were playing in the park. A perfect evening to talk about Iwaizumi and Oikawa's relationship, right? Well, Iwaizumi didn't think so. It was never a good time to talk about what was going on in his head.

As soon as practice was over, the entire team had headed to the locker room to change and then go home. Everyone but Oikawa, who had probably stayed to continue his crazy workout regimen even outside school hours. Iwaizumi was sure of it, he knew him too well and the fact that he had never left the gym with the others was an undeniable proof of that.

Several times he had thought of going back to scold him, but he'd always given up for obvious reasons. He knew for a fact that if he'd set foot in that gym, he wouldn't have been able to pretend that everything between them was fine anymore. He was certain that, after forcing him to go to the locker room, they would have ended up going home together, only the two of them, in an awkward silence.

That was why, in order to avoid ending up in that dreaded situation, Iwaizumi had gone home first. That evening, however, he hadn't expected that Hanamaki would ask him to go for a walk.

«Personal experience?» Iwaizumi asked, opening the bottle he had bought at the nearby kombini and sipping it without diverting his attention from Hanamaki.  
«Yeah, one of many, I might add.»

Hanamaki rested his arm on the backrest of the bench and laughed at the memory. Judging from his expression it definitely had to be something fun, but as he spoke he seemed cautious in choosing his words.

«Among the few embarrassing situatio-»  
«Few?» Iwaizumi frowned.

Hanamaki gave him an irritated glance.

«Go to hell, Iwaizumi. Okay, among the _countless_ embarrassing situations Matsukawa and I have faced, there was a time when we avoided each other for a couple of weeks.»  
«This is new. When was it? I didn't notice.»  
«Mh, last year? You and Oikawa were too busy with the first years.»  
«What happened?»  
«That night we had done something I fully regret.»

Iwaizumi almost choked on his water and started coughing.

«You don't have the right to judge other people, Iwaizumi!»  
«What!? What does this have to do with me!?»  
«Do you really want to play this game, mister _"I kissed my best friend during his birthday and said nothing to my friends"_?»  
«How do you-» Iwaizumi widened his eyes, his cheeks flushing. «...Oikawa?»  
«Yeah, Oikawa.»  
«Did he tell y-»  
«Yes.»  
«Everything?»  
«Don't think so. He was clearly hiding something, but I didn't ask.»  
«Oh, okay.»

They stayed still, in silence, looking at each other as if they were thinking about what to say. Then Iwaizumi clasped his hands and looked away with a guilty expression. They'd promised to avoid embarrassing situations and there he was, telling other people what had happened between the two of them!

«So...» Iwaizumi leaned back, turning again towards Hanamaki. He had all the time to plan his revenge against his best friend, but at that moment, there was something else that had gotten his attention, «...you and Matsukawa?»  
«There's nothing between me and Matsukawa, don't get the wrong idea. It was just a one night stand. We'd drunk too much, and I was too stupid and too overexcited to understand what I was doing, but we did it. It took us a bit of time, but at some point we've understood that we couldn't change what happened. We have no longer talked about it, that's all. Now, I don't want to judge you, but I'm sure that what you did can't be worse than what happened between us, and if we've been able to come to terms with it, so can you.»

The urge to ask for more details was strong, mostly concerning those weeks during which he and Matsukawa had avoided each other, but somehow Iwaizumi managed to shut his mouth. It wasn't one of Hanamaki usual jokes, he could tell by just looking at him, and that was probably what had surprised Iwaizumi the most, since he would never have imagined that something like that – though he didn't know, nor wanted to know, what that “something” was – had happened. But Hanamaki seemed so averse to the idea of rehashing those memories, that Iwaizumi couldn't help but see himself in him. He knew what  _"wanting to forget something and stop talking about it"_ meant. That was why Iwaizumi decided to mind his own business and focus on his current problem.

Hanamaki was right... at least partially. It was true that what he and Oikawa had done wasn't as irreparable as what Hanamaki and Matsukawa had done, if his friend regretted it so much. For heaven's sake, he couldn't even think of such a possibility without freaking out! But it was also true that that phone call couldn't be ignored. Moving on and forgetting about it wasn't an option in this case. If what had happened during Oikawa's birthday hadn't permanently marked Iwaizumi at that time, the call had been the straw that broke the camel's back. It had instilled in him those doubts that, inevitably, had made him feel the need to run away from Oikawa at any cost.

And yet, he knew that wasn't the entire truth.

Since the moment he'd seen Hanamaki and Oikawa on his couch, something had changed in him.

Oikawa had always been his best friend, he'd never questioned that. They could argue and disagree on almost everything, even insulting each other for stupid reasons, but they knew they could always count on each other. It was crystal clear, an innocent, pure truth.

And that evening, something had dirtied that purity. A mere thought, a jealousy he'd never felt towards his best friend. He had crossed those eyes, heard those deep breaths while Oikawa was kissing someone who... well, who wasn't him. That was what had triggered his body, what had made him think that pushing Hanamaki away from Oikawa was the right thing to do.

Seeing them together had made his heart clench and had left him breathless.

Feeling that way towards Oikawa was wrong. Those thoughts didn't make any sense, they shouldn't have even existed, instead they had penetrated into his mind and, as an overflowing river, had dragged away all his confidence.

«I realize that avoiding him is useless, but what else can I do? I can't even think when I'm with him, I can't help but remember what happened,» Iwaizumi murmured softly, closing the bottle again before placing it on the bench beside him. He leaned forward and folded his hands, staring at an undefined point in front of him as, once again, his mind went back to wander in thoughts.

_No one can take my place._ That was a thought Iwaizumi had always had since childhood. Maybe it was childish to think that way at his age, and yet it seemed almost normal. He had always been the one Oikawa could count on the most, the person Oikawa could be himself with, the only one who'd seen his tears and anger after losing a game, his concerns towards his exes, his doubts and the panic of not knowing how to deal with something. With Iwaizumi, Oikawa had always let his affable mask slip away, and that was perhaps why it had never occurred to him that someone else could ever become part of his best friend's life as much as him.

That place belonged to him.

It would have been easy to blame the booze for the turn of events, but he couldn't do the same for his jealousy. That was something he had to accept for what it really was, a storm of pleasing emotions that he couldn't control anymore. Feelings that had made him feel complete, at peace with himself, even while he was sleeping beside Oikawa.

There was no lie that could stand up to that terrible truth.

«Iwaizumi, it's okay, it would be strange otherwise, but you have to find a way to address the issue so that one day you'll be able to talk about it without killing someone.»  
«Easier said than done. I can't talk with Oikawa about something like this, I would punch him before getting to the point. He tends to downplay everything.»  
Hanamaki grinned, «Yeah, you have a point there.»  
«I don't say it's his fault if we can't find a solution, nor that he's so stupid he can't face this conversation. Believe it or not, Oikawa took the first step after everything that happened. Even if I'm always insulting him for how he behaves, I consider him one of the smartest people I've ever met, you know? I would trust him with my life, but... »

...facing him would have also meant facing  _everything_ .

«Are you afraid, by any chance?»

Iwaizumi widened his eyes and turned towards Hanamaki. He wasn't looking at him, too busy staring at a mother and her child who were passing by. Only when the two had walked away, he slowly looked at Iwaizumi.

«Are you afraid to face Oikawa because, deep down, you know you're the one with the messiest feelings?»  
«This has nothing to do with-»  
«Are you afraid of what he'll tell you?»  
«The fuck are you talking about now!?»

There it was, Hanamaki's infamous smile that meant he knew he was right and that he'd hit a nerve with his speculations.

«Listen to me, Hanamaki. What I'm trying to tell you-»  
«No, Iwaizumi. Listen to me, now. Do you think I'm so stupid that I can't see that there's something big going on between you and Oikawa? Do both of you think that a kiss is enough to blow up this mess? I'm sorry to tell you that I don't believe any of your words. It's too simple, too convenient. Do you want to use some corny excuse like _"It's not you, it's me"_ or take the blame again to avoid telling him what you really think?»

_Just a kiss._

How could he have been so stupid to say such a thing to convince himself that what they had done was nothing important?  
Iwaizumi couldn't blame Hanamaki for saying the truth. And it was also true that it had been simple to say it had been nothing but a mistake and that he and Oikawa had to forget everything. With no confrontation, no dubious thoughts.

Yes, that would be too convenient.

«... _Things_ happened,» Iwaizumi whispered, earning a frown from Hanamaki.  
«What kind of things?»  
Iwaizumi shook his head slowly, «We didn't have sex if that's what you're worried about, but something really embarrassing happened and I don't want to talk about it. That's all.»  
«Oh, I see. Then it must have been really embarrassing if you're willing to throw away years of friendship because of it.»

Iwaizumi fell silent. He clenched his fists so hard that his knuckles turned white, his eyes aimlessly wandering in front of him.

He wasn't throwing away years of friendship with Oikawa, right? He had only asked for a bit of time to let things cool down and then move on. It didn't have to affect their friendship, that's not what he wanted. He wasn't doing anything like that, right? Yeah, he didn't have to worry. Then why was he having doubts about it now?

«Oikawa won't wait forever.»

Shivers run through Iwaizumi's body, needles so thin and yet so sharp that froze him. Only his eyes darted on his friend, serious as he'd ever been.

«What?»

Hanamaki crossed his legs and folded his arms on his chest, thoughtfully lowering his gaze.

«I can't say that I understand what you're thinking because no one can, I hate that bullshit  _"I know how you feel"_ line and I'm not going to say it, but you two have a bond that Matsukawa and I have never shared. You should take advantage of it and stop seeing it as an obstacle, because seriously, it's not. It might be hard, but if you don't hurry, someone could steal Oikawa from you. At that point, all the time you've spent trying to figure out how to act will be in vain. Is that what you want? Do you want to see your best friend move on with someone else because you didn't have the guts to face the situation when you had the chance? I saw how Oikawa talks about you two and I'm sure you still have time, but who knows what might happen. If someone's love brings them only sorrow and bitterness, it's normal that that someone will try to suffocate their own feelings, don't you think?» Hanamaki smiled when Iwaizumi averted his eyes in a self-conscious way, «Oh, so you knew? You're not so naive then. Well, it doesn't take a genius to understand what's going on. Oikawa is so in love with you! I'm embarrassed for him!»

_He's so in love with you!_

How could he not know, after that call? No amount of willpower would have been enough to forget it. That hadn't been an accident dictated by a moment of madness, there had been no alcohol to blur their mind, no doubts born from fleeting glances overshadowed by pleasure.  
Doubts had become speculations, and then strong evidence. Iwaizumi's eyes had opened and he had finally understood what he'd seen in Oikawa's ones the night of his birthday, on his bed, when he had instinctively gotten away from him.

Iwaizumi had tried to hide that to himself, although unsuccessfully.

Oikawa was in love with him.

He didn't know how much Oikawa loved him, or if that was really love rather than simple physical attraction, but it was obvious that his best friend felt something more for him than just friendship, and that was precisely why Iwaizumi had felt the need to distance himself from him. He didn't know when the thin line between friendship and love had started to blur in Oikawa's mind, but it had happened, and Iwaizumi was terrified.

«That's why I don't know how to act, it's not easy to ignore the fact that the guy you've always considered a brother is suddenly feeling something more for you.» Iwaizumi sighed and ruffled the hair on his nape.  
«Are you disgusted because Oikawa's not a girl?» Hanamaki asked quietly.  
Iwaizumi looked up at him, «Why should I? I'm not that kind of a person.»  
«But it would have been different if the confession had been from a girl, right?»

Iwaizumi lowered his gaze, but he didn't have to think too hard to find an answer, because he knew it already. He slumped slightly on the bench and slid his hands into his pockets, tilting his head up before closing his eyes.

«Obviously it would have been different. I've always dated girls. Even when I told Oikawa to think if he could be attracted to boys, I wasn't quite sure if that was the right thing to say. Come on, who asks his best friend something like that? For some time I even regretted it, but now I'm glad he's happy.»  
«But he's not happy, because he loves you and you're avoiding him.»  
«Hanamaki, I told you that-»  
«It's not easy, yeah, I get it, stop repeating it over and over again. But running away is useless. You don't even have the courage to ask yourself what you really want, stop making up more problems to avoid the main issue. You know who does that? Cowards!» Iwaizumi frowned and glared at him, not amused at all by that comment, but he didn't have the time to speak, as Hanamaki shook his head in disapproval and continued, «If you don't like it, tell Oikawa you don't feel the same and let him put his mind at rest before his feelings become deeper.»  
«I would, but-»  
«-but you're not even sure if that's what you really want,» ended Hanamaki.  
«You know you're obnoxious, right?» snapped Iwaizumi with a huff, «If you know me so well, why are you asking me all these questions?»  
«Because it's fun to see you so distressed. It's not a thing you witness every day.» This time Hanamaki didn't even try to hide his amused smile.

Even though the urge to punch him was strong, Iwaizumi couldn't do anything but passively accept what Hanamaki had forced him to confront.

Iwaizumi was afraid of Oikawa's feelings because he didn't know how to face them, but at the same time, he treasured them. Selfishly speaking, he had started to feel a twisted pleasure in knowing that he was the only one occupying Oikawa's thoughts. That was why Hanamaki's statement had surprised him, because he hadn't even once thought that there could be someone else.

Suddenly, Iwaizumi took his decision. He had to do it quickly, because overthinking would have just made him regret it.

Hanamaki was right about almost everything, particularly on one thing: he had acted like a coward. It was time to talk with Oikawa and to address the issue once and for all. It was time to clarify, to figure out how to move on. It would be embarrassing, Oikawa would repeatedly try to hide his feelings and who knows how much Iwaizumi would be irritated by that, but it was for a good cause.

Under Hanamaki's surprised look, Iwaizumi stood up and grabbed his bag,  resting it on his shoulder. He quickly said goodbye to his friend, catching the irritating grin on Hanamaki's lips – who had surely realized what Iwaizumi was about to do – before heading towards the park's exit.

He retraced his steps to the school with a slight agitation and a whirlwind of questions in his mind, with a great desire to see and talk to Oikawa again, and the anticipation of what would happen. After all, he still didn't know how their meeting could go.

Well, one thing was certain. He hadn't expected  _that_ .

\- - - - -

In a moment, Hanamaki's insinuations about losing Oikawa made sense. His words echoed in Iwaizumi's mind, blood buzzing in his ears and heart pounding with the adrenaline that flooded his body, as soon as he realized that Hanamaki already knew what was going on.

Well, of course he must have known, or he wouldn't have pressured him so much to make up his mind. He knew what Iwaizumi was going through, and he hadn't even had the honesty to tell him  _"Come on, move your ass and do something because no one is waiting for you!"._ He'd made him believe he could have still saved the situation, but it was already too late. He could see his hopes sinking in front of his eyes, choking him and leaving him breathless.

Iwaizumi had no idea of what to think as Matsukawa walked away from Oikawa, allowing him to compose himself. He just tightened the grip on the door's handle and took a deep breath, trying to keep calm. His eyes scanned his best friend's face, twisted in an uneasy expression, before moving on Matsukawa and his apparent calm.

«Iwaizumi. We can expla-»  
«Iwa-chan, it's not what you think!»

The icy look Iwaizumi gave him spoke louder than a thousand words.

«Listen, let's not make a big deal out of this, okay?» Matsukawa chimed in carefully, almost studying the other's reaction.  
«And what should I think?» Iwaizumi murmured, taking a step into the locker room and letting the door close behind him. «I don't see what I might have misunderstood.»

Iwaizumi dropped his bag on the floor and stopped only when he was in front of Matsukawa. Despite the height difference, he didn't seem at all intimidated by his teammate, as he folded his arms across his chest and tilted his chin up to meet Matsukawa's eyes.

«I'm not saying that you've misinterpreted the situation, we weren't in that position by mistake.» Although the only thing Iwaizumi wanted was to shut him up, he waited – and hoped – for some kind of explanation. Too bad that Matsukawa's words did nothing but fuel the fire that was growing within Iwaizumi. «Think whatever you want, but don't look at me like we were doing something wrong. It's none of your business, after all.»

Matsukawa was right, it wasn't his business, but Iwaizumi's body snapped before he could listen to his own rationality. He reached for Matsukawa's jersey and tugged him down by the collar, piercing him with his gaze.

«What are you trying to do?» Every word was cold and sharp as ice shards, but, for the moment, his anger seemed under control.

Even if Matsukawa only sighed and rolled his eyes, not surprised at all by Iwaizumi's reaction, Oikawa urgently walked over to them and tried to separate them.

«Hey, what the hell are you doing!? Iwa-chan, are you crazy?»

How could Matsukawa do that to him after he'd asked – no,  _begged_ – him to leave Oikawa alone? After he was certain that he had sensed that there was something wrong between them?

There was fire in his eyes, a fire that could have incinerated Matsukawa on the spot, but Iwaizumi eventually released him from his grip.

«I should have known that asking you to give up wouldn't stop you from doing it,» Iwaizumi hissed in a low voice.  
«Three times I asked you what was going on between you two and I never got an honest answer, so, tell me. Why should I have listened to you?»

Oikawa frowned and looked from one to the other, but before he could ask for an explanation, Iwaizumi spoke again.

«Because I asked you not to do it? Because we're friends and you knew how messy this situation was?» He clenched his fists at his sides.  
«I think Oikawa is able to make his own choices, don't you think? Or are you going to bark at every guy who comes close to him?» Matsukawa folded his arms across his chest and sighed with disarming calm. «If you had been honest from the beginning, maybe this wouldn't have happened.»  
«You're playing with fire, Matsukawa,» Iwaizumi hissed again.

Oikawa knew well that tone in Iwaizumi's voice. He knew he was trying to contain the anger, that he was doing his best to not let it loose, but he didn't know what was pushing the two to behave that way. The only thing he was sure of was that he didn't like the harshness hidden behind their words, nor the fact that he had been kept in the dark about the matter.

«Do either of you want to tell me what's going on?» And yet, Oikawa received no answer. Again. Just a  _"stay out of this"_ from Iwaizumi that, obviously, made him lose his patience.

Oikawa hated being pushed aside, and that was common knowledge among the team. So, if Iwaizumi really thought that saying something like that would deter Oikawa from getting in the way and facing him – hands on his hips and lips downturned in annoyance – he was dead wrong.

«Why should I stay out of this? You're the one who has to step aside, Iwa-chan, you're not my bodyguard. If you want to act like one, at least tell me what the hell is going on.»

Iwaizumi glanced at him from the corner of his eye, then went back to Matsukawa. He took a deep breath and looked down, unsure of what to say.  
He couldn't believe that their confrontation had become something so tragicomic, with Oikawa demanding some kind of explanation that Iwaizumi wasn't willing to give him – at least, surely not with Matsukawa's gaze still focused on him – and after having all his certainties evaporate the moment he'd opened that damn door.

Seriously, was his bad luck over? Because he was so fucking done with all that crap. All he wanted to do was hear what Matsukawa had to say, maybe yell at him to blow off some steam, grab Oikawa and leave, so that they could talk in peace.

«Oikawa, please. Move aside.»  
«As if! I'm right here, Iwa-chan, stop pretending I don't exist because you know that I hate it. You're angry with Mattsun because of what you saw? Then be angry with me as well, because I was involved too!»  
«This has nothing to do with you, this is something between me and Matsukawa.»  
«You're mad because Mattsun was kissing me, so yeah, this has to do with me! For once, start talking if you have something to say!»  
«I'm here because I wanted to talk, but-»

«What are you, twelve?» Matsukawa's voice silenced them both. «There's nothing to talk about, Iwaizumi. The choice is simple, you put an end to this fuss and start minding your own business or you start telling him why you're so angry.»  
«Mattsun, please, don't instigate him!»

Maybe at another time Iwaizumi would have been able to deal with the situation more calmly, but his pride was too loud to be silenced.

After months spent thinking long and hard about what had happened between him and Oikawa the night of his birthday, thinking about the meaning behind the phone call, their fleeting glances and unspoken words, Iwaizumi couldn't just leave. But why was Oikawa against him? Why was he defending Matsukawa? And where did his alleged feelings for Iwaizumi go?

Oikawa was caught completely off guard when Iwaizumi pushed him away, then panic took over him when he saw Iwaizumi grab Matsukawa's shirt and shove him against a cabinet with all his strength.

«Do you like making me angry!?»  
«HAJIME!»

Iwaizumi winced. Even Matsukawa seemed surprised, slowly shifting his attention on the captain.

Oikawa grabbed Iwaizumi by his school uniform's shirt and tugged him away from Matsukawa with so much force that Iwaizumi stumbled and almost fell to the ground. His eyes were filled with a rage that competed to what his best friend was feeling, but Oikawa's anger was completely different. It was cold as ice, as was his voice when he spoke again.

«I've had enough of this. Don't you see how irrationally you're acting? And you, Mattsun...» he turned towards the other, «I know you're instigating him just to make him lose his patience, so stop it. Get over it, both of you.»

Iwaizumi knew that Oikawa was right, but matching his anger and the possessiveness he was feeling towards his best friend was too hard. It was true that he wasn't acting lucidly, but it would have been worse if he had started to think. At that point, thoughts, questions and feelings to which he hadn't even given a name would have come into play.  
He couldn't allow it.

Iwaizumi took a few deep breaths to calm himself, then went to sit on a bench, away from the other two. He ignored Oikawa when he asked him if everything was alright, as well as the look of concern he was giving him from the other side of the locker room. He only raised his gaze when Matsukawa crouched down in front of him and spoke up.

«We both know that this is getting ridiculous, right? And I'm sure that deep down you know that you're angry over nothing since it's none of your business, but... okay, maybe that wasn't exactly a pleasant sight for you.»  
«Not pleasant? Are you serious?»  
«Okay, it was awful.»  
«Look, it's better if you stop.»

But Matsukawa seemed to be of an entirely different idea, because he kept talking with a low tone of voice, almost whispering.

«You do realize that Oikawa can do anything he wants, right?»  
«Matsukawa...»  
«You've already run away from this situation once to avoid dealing with it. You can do it again.»

Iwaizumi widened his eyes at first, but sharpened his gaze on Matsukawa as soon as that brutal truth hit him right in the chest.

«How can you possibly understand how difficult it is for me to deal with all this stuff? Don't assume things you know nothing about.»

With the same intensity, in a whisper so faint that it almost got lost in the silence of the locker room, Matsukawa smirked, «Accepting that you've started to feel something for him is easier than you think.»

Matsukawa stood up, but before he could get away, Iwaizumi did the same and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, his grip tightening. Both of them saw when Oikawa took a step in their direction, but Matsukawa was faster and raised a hand to keep him at distance.

There was pity in his eyes when Iwaizumi stayed silent, but despite everything, Matsukawa approached him to whisper in his ear in a bitter voice, «I've been honest with you and I told you about my interest in Oikawa because that was the right thing to do at that time. I've been waiting on the sidelines ever since I noticed that something had changed between you two, because I wanted to give you time to solve it, but you've wasted the chance I gave you. Now I'm not going to back down just because you're finally figuring out the feelings you've been cowardly running away from. Like I said, you had your chance. I'll be the one taking the lead from now on, Iwaizumi.»

Iwaizumi didn't understand why those words had such a strong impact on him, or why the thought of losing Oikawa because he'd waited too much made his heart pump so fast, almost leaving him breathless. He  _knew_ that Oikawa finding a boyfriend didn't mean that he'd have to lose him as a best friend, and yet that idea was so terrifying that, mixed with the anger that Matsukawa had instilled in him, it was enough to make him snap.

Oikawa knew what was about to happen, but he was so shocked that his body couldn't move when he saw Iwaizumi clench his fist and punch Matsukawa right in his face.

Every semblance of calm instantly left Matsukawa. Ignoring the sting from his now bleeding lip, he grabbed his teammate by his shirt and yanked him closer before returning the favour. He didn't even restrain himself, punching Iwaizumi hard enough to make him fall back against the bench.

«Quit looking at me like that, Iwaizumi! You know I'm telling the truth!»  
«Yeah, I know, so what!? Are you going to keep telling me that everything will be fine if I stop worrying about it!?» Iwaizumi didn't even bother to get up as he glared with all his hatred at the other. «Try to put yourself in my shoes! Do you think it's fun to pretend that everything's okay when it's clearly not!?»  
«Leave your pride behind for once and face it!»  
«I fucking CAN'T!»  
«STOP IT!!»

Dead silence followed Oikawa's furious cry.

«I've had ENOUGH of your discussion! I'm not a fucking baby who needs to be controlled and watched over, so stop talking about me like I'm some kind of idiot! If I want to be with Mattsun and do whatever I want with him, be it kiss him or have sex with him, I will! Your stupid jealousy won't make me change my mind, Iwa-chan, and that's why I was asking you to talk to me rather that act like a madman! I don't know what's going on between you two or how you can seriously think that you can decide what's best for me, but I'm not going to keep quiet! Not anymore! I don't care if you're my best friend, if this mess ends up having a negative impact on the team there will be consequences!» Oikawa's face was flushed for the sudden outburst.

Iwaizumi seemed about to answer him, but something in Oikawa's gaze stopped him. Something that made him clench his fists and bite his lip to avoid saying something irreparable, something that made him wonder if he truly wanted to hear more about Oikawa and Matsukawa's relationship.

He couldn't stay in that locker room for a second longer.

Iwaizumi cursed softly and stood up in silence, avoiding to look at the others even though he knew that they were staring at him, making him feel even more the weight of what he had done. He then grabbed his bag from the floor and opened the door, grateful when no one said anything. He knew that, if they had asked him something, he probably wouldn't have been able to get out of the room. And if Matsukawa had dared provoking him again, he knew he would have finally lost it. That was why he thanked the silence that let him leave without turning back, without having to look at the person he'd initially wanted to apologize to.

\- - - - -

The moment the door closed before his eyes, all Oikawa's thoughts and doubts, kept on hold ever since Iwaizumi had entered the room, filled the void in his mind. He didn't even realize that he'd been holding his breath until his heart started beating harder at hearing the door slam.

_What has just happened?_

When he'd heard Iwaizumi's voice, it had been like time had stopped. And when Oikawa had seen the disbelief in his eyes, it had been like the floor had started to fall apart under his feet.

Oikawa didn't know why he'd felt the urge to deny what was happening between him and Matsukawa, why the need to give Iwaizumi an explanation had been stronger than anything else, even though Oikawa shouldn't have to feel guilty about it. But all his worries had started to vanish when Iwaizumi had started talking with Matsukawa about something he knew nothing about, as if he wasn't even there with them. And that irritation had become anger when the two had started fighting, making Oikawa's patience crack until he'd snapped.

Oikawa wanted to believe that he was happy, that the jealousy Iwaizumi had shown meant that he cared more for him than what he'd let on, but the truth was that the situation made him very uncomfortable now that everything had been exposed. It had never been his intention to disclose his relationship with Matsukawa, a small part of him had even thought about putting an end to it, because it wasn't right to continue something like that considering what he was feeling for his best friend, but before Oikawa could do anything, Iwaizumi had discovered it in the worst possible way. Not to mention that Oikawa didn't know what Iwaizumi had wanted to talk to him about, so late in the evening, after a week spent avoiding being alone with him.

«Are you okay?»

Oikawa winced slightly when he heard Matsukawa near him – lost in his thoughts, he hadn't even realized when his friend had gotten closer.  
He looked at him and sighed when his eyes found the spot where Iwaizumi had punched him.

«I'm okay, I should be the one asking you that.»  
«Don't worry, it's nothing,» Matsukawa smiled a bit, but a sudden pain made him frown, «He punches pretty hard, but it could have been worse.»  
«Are you sure you're alright? It can't be "nothing" when Iwa-chan is involved.»  
«I swear. I'm sure tomorrow it'll be just a slight ache, nothing more.»  
«If you say so...»

Neither one of them seemed willing to continue that awkward back-and-forth, not after Iwaizumi had interrupted what they were doing, so Matsukawa started to change while Oikawa went to sit on the bench. He didn't even care that he was still shirtless or that he should have dressed up too, because his mind was already elsewhere.

At first, Oikawa had asked himself if it would have been right –  _of course not_ – to follow Iwaizumi and apologize for how he had found out about them. He deserved at least that, after all the problems Oikawa had already caused him.  He also wanted to apologize to Matsukawa – the main reason he couldn't just leave the locker room – for Iwaizumi's behaviour, for his unexpected overreaction that, deep down, had even scared him.

On top of that, it wasn't true that Oikawa didn't care about the reason of their fight. He longed to know what had made them act like that, to know the real reason behind Iwaizumi's jealousy and what Matsukawa had whispered to him to make him lose his temper. He wanted to ask him why he had provoked Iwaizumi and, at the same time, he wanted to thank him. Iwaizumi had shown his insane jealousy because of Matsukawa, and that had felt... masochistically pleasant. After all, the only reason why Oikawa hadn't intervened immediately, was that he had wanted to see how far Iwaizumi would have gone for him.

Should he apologize to Matsukawa for that too?

«I know you enough to know that you're brooding over something unnecessary. It wasn't your fault. I overdid it with my provocations, although he deserved it.»

Oikawa studied Matsukawa from the corner of his eyes, pondering about his words.

«No, he didn't. I should have told him about us.»  
«You don't owe him any explanation.»

How could he say something like that? Iwaizumi was the cause of all his actions and worries.

He should have told Iwaizumi that he had started to feel something for him, something that went far beyond friendship, but that he shouldn't have to worry about it because he had found in Matsukawa someone capable to suppress those feelings. That maybe, in the future, they could go back to be the best friends they once were, without having to pretend that there was no problem between them. Perhaps, amongst embarrassing moments of silence, Iwaizumi would even come to understand his choices. That was why a part of him had wanted to put an end to his relationship with Matsukawa, but unfortunately, Oikawa had managed to figure out his feelings just the day before.

Oikawa sighed and looked up at the ceiling, then he leaned back against the wall, shivering at the cold contact with his bare skin, «What's worse is that I'm not even sure why he reacted that way, since I don't know what happened between you two.»

Matsukawa laughed quietly, looking at Oikawa as he finished buttoning his shirt.

«I was wondering how much it would take you to start pestering me with your questions. Come on, we both know that you're dying to ask me!»

Oikawa wasn't stupid. Sometimes he was blind to issues concerning himself, but that was because he didn't want to be too hopeful and end up disappointed. When it came to the people around him, however, that was a whole different matter. And if he hadn't asked Matsukawa anything yet, it was because he'd understood that, underneath his careless attitude, Matsukawa didn't want to talk about it.

So, what had changed now?

«...Okay. You're right, I want to know,» Oikawa looked at him quizzically, watching as Matsukawa took a seat next to him, on the bench. «Then tell me. What have you and Iwa-chan kept hidden from me?»

When Matsukawa turned towards Oikawa, there was a sad smile on his lips, «Let's start from the morning after your birthday, what do you think?»

\- - - - -

Oikawa took a deep breath and tightened the grip on his shoulder bag, shifting the weight of his body from foot to foot as he stared at Iwaizumi's house from across the street.

It was already 10:00 PM, and he had yet to go home or eat anything. He wasn't even sure if ambushing him like that after what had happened in the locker room a few hours before was the right thing to do, and the fact that he'd gone straight to Iwaizumi's house without thinking about what to say didn't help at all, but after all the unexpected things that Matsukawa had told him... well, he couldn't wait for the next day to talk with his best friend.

Oikawa's body had moved on its own the very moment his mind had realized what Matsukawa had implied with his words. Just thinking about them, just thinking that all the wishes he had tried to suppress in order to avoid any disappointment could have found a somewhat happy ending, made his stomach twist and his heart pound faster than ever.

\- - - - -

«...I always thought that Iwaizumi was the kind of guy that always tries to face the problem rather than avoid it, so I hated seeing him dismiss the story so nonchalantly. I really care about this kind of topic, I know what having to face the idea of being attracted to guys means and that's why at first I thought,  _"Okay, maybe he doesn't know what to do"_ . So I kept asking him, even after weeks, before coming back to school, if there was something between you two, because he must have had a serious reason if he didn't want to see me flirt with you.  _"I don't like the idea of seeing Oikawa with you or with any of our friends"._ That's what he said. Like, seriously? What the hell does it mean? That's not a reason!»

Oikawa stayed still, listening eagerly, seated on the bench with Matsukawa at his side. He hadn't even opened his mouth, too focused on the other's voice to think about interrupting him.

«Now that I think about it, I'm sorry that he found out about us like that. I know how much you care and I wasn't thinking straight when I said that you didn't owe him an explanation. I don't regret any of the moments we spent together, but Iwaizumi is my friend and I never wanted something like this to happen. Anyway... When school started, apart from lunch or during some free time between classes, I never talked with Iwaizumi. We were both trying to avoid each other, although I mainly did it because I had noticed that something had changed between you two and I didn't want to get in the way, while I'm sure he just wanted to avoid talking with me about you again. Just to be clear, I was fine with it... at least, because I thought you were going to solve things. But you didn't. I asked myself why I waited on the sidelines for more than a month if Iwaizumi never had any intention of confronting you, and that's when I decided that I had to stop waiting. That's why I kissed you and told you what I thought.»

Matsukawa began to tie his shoes as he kept talking, never looking towards Oikawa.

«Well, after telling you this, you can imagine my reaction when, after a few days, Iwaizumi called me on the roof to talk.»  
«You've talked to him again? When?» For the first time, Oikawa interrupted him.  
«Yesterday. Yeah, before asking you if you'd told Iwaizumi about us or if you were going to. I admit that I was surprised when I noticed that, after everything, he was taking the matter seriously. He looked really tired, as if he hadn't been resting well for days.»

Oikawa couldn't say he hadn't noticed, because, contrary to Matsukawa, he had spent countless hours observing Iwaizumi.

«And... what did you two talk about?» Oikawa asked in a low voice.  
«Don't play it off. He told me what happened at the party, what he thought when Hanamaki kissed you, what happened in his bedroom, and so on...»  
«...just this?»

Matsukawa grinned.

«He also told me, without going into details, what happened a _certain night_ during a _certain phone call._ He probably came to me because I was the only one who would understand the situation without judging him. It was a smart move, since I already knew what was going on, although I felt a bit guilty considering that you and I were already seeing each other. You've put me in a difficult position, Oikawa. You told me that nothing more than a kiss had happened between you two, and then I find out about something like that.»  
«It...» Oikawa averted his gaze, a deep blush spreading up to his ears, «It wasn't my intention, I'm sorry. I didn't know that he would… tell someone about it.»  
«You know, if you want to do that again with someone else, I'm available.»

This time, Oikawa shifted his attention on Matsukawa and glared at him. It was hard to understand if there was anger in his eyes or just strong embarrassment.

«I was joking. Partly. Anyway, he told me that that night had been the proof that something was changing between you two, that it wasn't normal because you are childhood friends and friends don't do those things, that it was wrong, and so on. In short, seeing you kiss a guy and then kissing you in turn, blew up his sanity. Congratulations, you've managed to undermine the composure of our vice captain, you're the first to do that, as far as I know!» Matsukawa laughed to relieve the tension as he stood up to finish putting his stuff away.

At another time, Oikawa would have laughed at Matsukawa's dirty joke, and maybe he would have even provoked him. But not in that moment, when he was still trying to figure out what the other had just told him, wondering if he'd heard right or if his mind was playing tricks on him.

Was it real? Could Iwaizumi reciprocate his feelings? Was there really a chance, even a small one?

«Oikawa.»

He mindlessly tilted his head up, still lost in his own thoughts, and his eyes widened when Matsukawa's lips brushed slowly against his, in a kiss that had nothing in common with the ones they used to share. It was almost sweet, with an aftertaste of melancholy when Matsukawa smiled and whispered, «What kind of idiots are you two? Where did you get the idea that a kiss doesn't mean anything? I've almost laughed in his face when Iwaizumi told me the same thing.»

Oikawa didn't say anything else. He watched as Matsukawa took his shoulder bag and left him alone in the locker room, giving him a simple smile before closing the door behind him.  
Only then, only when silence fell over the room, Oikawa murmured to himself, «Then why did you kiss me, Mattsun?»

\- - - - -

A strangled noise escaped Oikawa's lips when he finally, with a non-existent confidence, erased the distance that separated him from the door. He prayed they weren't still having dinner, or that they weren't busy with something else, because he hated to be a bother, especially when it came to Iwaizumi's parents.

He took a deep breath, then rang the doorbell.

Panic instantly set over him, and he had to suppress the urge to retrace his steps and run away. What would he even say if Iwaizumi was the one opening the door? Would he be happy to see Oikawa? Even after what he'd said to him in the locker room? Maybe he should just apologize right away. Yes, and then-

«Tooru?»

Oikawa winced and looked up as the door opened, meeting a pair of familiar green eyes, but not the ones he was expecting.

«Oh- good evening, Kaede-san. Is Iwa-ch... Um, is Hajime home?»

Despite the initial confusion on Iwaizumi's mother's face – since it wasn't usual to see Oikawa stop by their house during week nights – she stepped aside and invited him in with a radiant smile on her lips.

While Oikawa took off his shoes at the entrance, the woman crossed her arms over her chest and snorted, «How many times do I have to tell you to drop the formalities and just call me Kaede? You're like a second son to me!»  
«It's the force of habit, I can't help it!» Oikawa explained himself, returning the smile, even thought he could feel his uneasiness growing with each step.

He greeted Iwaizumi's father when he passed the living room and exchanged some small talk with him – and damn it, he would have been a liar if he'd said that he didn't feel uncomfortable remembering what had happened on that couch – before stopping in front of the stairway with Iwaizumi's mother at his side.

«I didn't want to drop in unannounced, but I had a fight with Hajime at school and... well, I wanted to talk to him as soon as possible.»  
«Oh, now I understand.» Realization seemed to light up Kaede's eyes, and she looked towards the upper floor with obvious concern.  
«Understand what?»  
«Tonight he went straight to his room without eating anything. I knew that something was wrong, but I didn't want to intrude.»

Oikawa couldn't help but stay quiet. He would have wanted to defend Iwaizumi's mother, if only to annoy his best friend, but this time he couldn't do it.  
They couldn't talk about what was going on with their parents, in fact, he had already been in the same situation with his mother. Telling her that everything was okay when she asked him why he was in a bad mood, had been the biggest lie he'd ever told her.

«Can I go upstairs and talk to him?» Oikawa asked politely.

Kaede turned towards him with her usual genuine smile, the same one that sometimes graced Iwaizumi's features when he wasn't busy frowning or being angry with Oikawa.

«Do you really have to ask?» She gave him a pat on the back, then went back in the living room, leaving him alone.

Oikawa took a deep breath before looking at the stairs, as if he already knew that, once he climbed them, there would be no going back. He ended up almost sprinting upstairs to avoid having a change of heart, but when he stopped in front of Iwaizumi's door, that familiar panic came back again.

What to do, what to say, how to behave?

He studied the door as if he could see through it, then he put his bag on the floor and leant back against the wall. He took out his phone from his back pocket and started typing.

_"Iwa-chan, I'm sorry. I didn't want to go against you, but you took me by surprise and I had no idea what to do... are you mad at me?"_

The reply arrived in a second, and he responded promptly.

_"Why should I be mad? You're not at fault."_  
_"Are you sure you're not angry?"_  
_"Like I said, I'm not."  
_ _"So you won't kill me if I ask you to open the door?"_

«Are you kidding me, Shittykawa!?» Iwaizumi's voice echoed from behind the door, followed by the sound of footsteps.

Oikawa swallowed the lump in his throat and inhaled sharply, trying – and failing – to keep calm so he could face his best friend with some dignity. Then the door opened and, as soon as he laid eyes on the other's annoyed expression, all his attempts were rendered useless.

«Surprise, Iwa-chan! Glad to see me?» Oikawa smiled at him in his usual affable way to hide his nervousness, but Iwaizumi barely shook his head and rolled his eyes before leaving the door open to go to sit on his own bed.

Oikawa bit his lower lip and clicked his tongue, then he grabbed his bag. He didn't even know what he was supposed to say, he was there only because of the stupid hope he had. But how the hell was he supposed to face Iwaizumi when he couldn't even talk to him without falling back on his cheerful persona, in a pathetic attempt to try and ease the tension between them?

«Iwa-chan?» Iwaizumi looked up at Oikawa, who still stood on the threshold, «I'm sorry for the late hour, but-»  
«If you put on that stupid grin again, I'm going to kill you. Now, come here.»

Oikawa wasn't sure that was a great idea, but he didn't want to make Iwaizumi angrier than he already was, so he shut up and closed the door behind him before going to sit on the bed beside his best friend – although, leaving a bit of distance between them.

The silence was heavy and full of unspoken words, but Oikawa didn't have any intention of keeping quiet. Facing the situation was hard, but he didn't want to waste that occasion, not after he'd started to hold on to the small hope Matsukawa had given him. He wanted to know the truth, he was ready to push his fears aside for that.

«Iwa-c-»  
«I've been a jerk.»

Oikawa widened his eyes and turned towards him, surprised to hear him speak first.

«Y... yes, you have. But I think that it's everyone's fault this time.»  
«Don't you dare start with that crap again, there are no excuses this time,» Iwaizumi leaned back against the wall, crossing his legs, «I wasn't thinking straight, I don't even know why I reacted that way.»  
«No, I'm serious, Iwa-chan. I don't want to hear the word _"fault"_ ever again, are we clear?» Oikawa remained silent for a moment, then he added, «We should talk about it and clarify, not argue about whose fault it is. And I'm not only talking about tonight.»

Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa from the corner of his eyes, studying him and trying to figure out where he was going with that, but in the end he just nodded and sighed.

«I wanted to talk to you, that's why I went back to the school. I thought you were still getting some extra practice, like you always do, but there was no one in the gym, so I checked in the locker room. When I opened the door and saw you with Matsukawa, my mind just went blank.»  
«There's nothing between me and Mattsun, believe me. We're not in any kind of relationship, it was only a mutual interest, and I... well, I needed to stop thinking about our problems. He was the best way I had to avoid going crazy. I'm sorry I didn't tell you anything.»  
«Were you going to tell me, sooner or later?» Iwaizumi asked softly, but Oikawa shook his head.  
«Honestly? No. Being with Mattsun was the only way I had to forget how screwed up my life was, at least for a while. The time I spent with him was my safe haven, and I didn't want to tell anyone about it, because...»

Oikawa didn't even know what he was talking about anymore. He just wanted to tell Iwaizumi everything, to unburden his heart from all the secrets he'd kept until that moment. It was the only way to clear things up, this time for real. And in order to do that, they both had to be completely honest with each other.

«...because?» Iwaizumi  prompted him , without averting his attention from Oikawa.  
«Because I knew it wasn't right. I felt guilty. What I was doing wasn't fair towards Matsukawa... and towards you.»  
«Do you like Matsukawa?»

Iwaizumi's question took Oikawa by surprise.  
He blushed and parted his lips to say something, but the words died in his throat, and he looked away when he realized that he didn't know what to say.

Yes, he liked Matsukawa, but as a friend. That was what he ' d always thought, even the night when Matsukawa had confessed to him. Perhaps he had started to feel something for him after a week spent together, something that had put Matsukawa in to a different perspective, but was  tha t the same  kind of  _"like"_ Iwaizumi was talking about?

«No, I don't think so. There was a kinship between us, but I'm not in love with him. It would be stupid  if I was  after such a short time, don't you think?» Oikawa laughed, but a  weird sensation made his stomach twist. Was that really true? Was it really impossible? «I told you, we 're not in  a relationship.»  
«So... you two... did some  _thing_ _s_ ?»  
«What!? No!! Absolutely not!»

Iwaizumi sighed in relief.

«You said that you were free to do anything you wanted, like having sex with him...»  
«I know what I said, Iwa-chan! But that doesn't mean that I've actually done it! I was angry, okay? I spoke without thinking.»

Iwaizumi nodded, but despite everything he still seemed troubled. That's why Oikawa shortened the distance between them and went to sit  closer to his side. He needed all the courage he  could gather if he wanted to face the real issue,  and it was time to do it.

«Iwa-chan, I'm sorry that you've found out about us like that. It had never been my intention to hurt you. I wouldn't have done it if you ' d told me what you told Matsukawa, but you chose to avoid me rather than talk to me, why?»

This time, the discomfort on Iwaizumi's face wasn't only obvious, but it was also accompanied by an increasing embarrassment.

«What?»  
«Iwa-chan, please. Mattsun told me everything.»  
«Everything?» His voice was so low that Oikawa could hear him only because the silence was thick around them.  
«Yes.»

It hurt to see Iwaizumi like that. It wasn't like him to be so closed-off, so... unable to address a problem. He had always been the person everyone could count on, but Oikawa had managed to upset the natural state of things with his doubts and his feelings. But now he had the chance to fix it, right? Or maybe destroy their friendship once and for all, who knows.

«Iwa-chan, I have to tell you something.»  
«Is it better than what I hid from you?» A faint smile appeared on Iwaizumi's lips, but his eyes remained focused on his own hands, clenched together on his lap.  
«You tell me,» Oikawa's heart was ready to explode in his chest. «I now know that it's useless to pretend that I don't have feelings for you. It's your turn to face them.»

Like  he was  dragged by those words, Iwaizumi began to  talk .  
Never once he raised his voice, nor seemed  conflicted about what to say. It was a slow and placid flow of thoughts, a melodic truth that had finally found  its  voice.

Iwaizumi told Oikawa about the morning after his birthday party, when he ' d talked with Matsukawa the first time, then about his last conversation with him the day before. He told him his own thoughts, ones he ' d told no one  before  and ones Oikawa already knew about because of Matsukawa, but the captain stayed silent and kept listening, holding his breath.

«I couldn't sleep. I wanted to talk to you, but I knew that you were starting to feel something for me, and I didn't want to accept it. I didn't know how to face it.»

Iwaizumi then talked about  his conversation with Hanamaki and how it was all thanks to him if he ' d  finally  decided to clarify with Oikawa. He told him about his doubts,  his  fear and his hesitations.

«Pathetic, huh?» Iwaizumi's face was flushed  in embarrassment and his eyes  had started to water a bit .

Pathetic? How could he believe something like that? It was more than Oikawa had thought possible, more than what he had ever imagined and hoped for, to the point that he unconsciously reached out and gripped Iwaizumi's shirt.  
Iwaizumi stiffened and looked at the other's hand, but he didn't shove it away.

«I didn't  mean to overreact  like that ... and I didn't want to avoid you. I'm sorry for everything I said,» Iwaizumi whispered, looking up to  meet Oikawa's eyes for the first time that evening.  
«And I'm sorry if I thought that being with Mattsun to stop thinking about you was a good idea.»  
«We're both fools, uh?» This time, the smile on Iwaizumi's lips was genuine.  T he same smile Oikawa had seen on his mother  earlier .  
«I like you, Iwa-chan,» Oikawa tightened his grip. «I don't even know how much, but I can't pretend it's nothing  like you said.»

Oikawa wasn't stupid, he knew that the situation couldn't be solved so easily, he had never believed that. And judging by Iwaizumi's frown, he knew that too. That was why, when the vice captain asked him what he wanted to do from that moment on, Oikawa could only sigh.

«I don't know. I never thought I ' d  find myself in a situation like this. If someone had told me that I would have started to like you... like this, I would have laughed at  them . It's crazy.»  
«Yeah, I know what you mean.»

The silence that fell over them wasn't unexpected. They didn't know what to say or how to deal with a situation they, honestly speaking, had never even wished for.  
They were there, together, in the same room – something they were used to, but that was now different. They were finally talking to each other, facing the situation like they'd wanted to, but it was hard. Oikawa had never been in love before, and Iwaizumi had started to feel something he'd never thought he could be capable of feeling for a guy. For his best friend.

«Can I kiss you?»

Iwaizumi almost shoved Oikawa away, in an attempt to free himself from his grip on his shirt. Not because he was disgusted at the idea of kissing him, but because he was completely taken aback by his question.

«What!?»  
«You heard me, Iwa-chan! Don't make me repeat it!»  
«But-»  
«Stop giving me false hope and just tell me if you want to do it or not!» Oikawa's face was bright red, but there was confidence in his eyes.

How could Iwaizumi answer him if he wasn't even sure about what he wanted? Of course, he knew that he didn't want to see Oikawa with Matsukawa ever again, but to tell the truth, he didn't want to see him with anyone else either. And yet, that didn't have to mean that he wanted to be with him in that way. At least, not until figuring out what he was really feeling towards his best friend.

_Then kiss him._

A smile lit up Oikawa's face when Iwaizumi nodded silently.

There was still so much to talk about, so many questions to be answered and doubts to clarify, but in that moment everything disappeared in front of the pressing desire to savour, once again, even a crumb of the overwhelming feelings they had felt the night of Oikawa's birthday, on that same bed.

Still holding on to Iwaizumi's shirt with one hand, Oikawa pulled him closer and tilted his head a bit to the side, breathing for a moment on the other's mouth before finally kissing him again after so long.

It was a delicate kiss, almost fearful, a soft pressing of lips against lips surrounded by silence. Then, those same feelings born out of curiosity that night of July, blossomed into a more vivid need.

Iwaizumi reached Oikawa's nape with his hand the moment his best friend made him lie down, their bodies now pressed together.

In that precise moment, Oikawa understood how different Matsukawa and Iwaizumi were: while one was capable of erasing his mind and making him stop thinking, the other could send his brain into overdrive with his kisses, making him burn and shudder at the lightest caress.

Neither one of them knew how that would end, nor how they would handle their relationship from that evening onwards. The only thing they were sure of, was that they had been stupid to think that the best way to settle things was to stay away from each other.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst starts here.
> 
> And yeah, we'll tell you what has happened between Mattsun and Makki sooner or later! We're planning to write a one-shot about them ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, but I had to work on this chapter all by myself! I don't know if it will be like this from now on, but, even if slowly, I'll do my best to take you to the end of this journey full of tears and angst! The number of chapters has been fixed after a rapid calculation (they'll be 24 or 25/26 + some extras, it depends on a certain important long chapter) 
> 
> Well, that said... I think we ignored Makki a bit too much lately, right? :^) -JKiryu

If there was one thing Hanamaki could boast about was that, in seventeen years, he had never refused to help his friends. Sometimes he complained a lot, he even procrastinated for the sole purpose of irritating the person in front of him, but anyone who knew him enough could say that it was not in his nature to deny aid to those in need. However, after almost a week since Iwaizumi had discovered about Oikawa and Matsukawa, Hanamaki was pondering whether it was right or wrong to try changing that side of his personality.

When Iwaizumi had come to him the day after their chat in the park, telling him that everything was finally right with Oikawa despite what he'd seen in the locker room, Hanamaki had been extremely excited. He'd been even more relieved once he'd seen how calm and lighthearted Oikawa seemed, and how Matsukawa could tease their vice captain as if they had forgotten about their issues.

Still, was everything really back to normal? Of course not.

It only took three days to disrupt the apparent normalcy that the four had managed to restore, but perhaps only Hanamaki had actually realized it.

Iwaizumi was his old self again, ready to yell at his best friend when the opportunity arose. He spent most of their time together laughing, joking and keeping an eye on Kyoutani after he'd returned to the team – not that he had much of a choice, given that Iwaizumi was the only person Kyoutani listened to.

Matsukawa instead had started to spent more time alone, but Hanamaki had ignored this fact on purpose, trying to convince himself that it was normal, since Oikawa had put him aside in favor of Iwaizumi again.  
Hanamaki didn't know his friend's thoughts on what happened that night, or his feelings about a possible affair between Iwaizumi and Oikawa, but he had no intention of approaching the matter, not when Matsukawa had seemingly managed to get over it so fast – or at least, Hanamaki hoped he did.

The problem was... well, the real problem was Oikawa. And it was a problem so big that he couldn't even bring himself to think about it, especially when he had other things to worry about.

«Mh...» Hanamaki sighed and leaned more on the windowsill.

All around him, boys and girls darted through the hallway, some heading to the cafeteria to get something to eat, others taking advantage of the lunch break to meet and chat with friends from other classes. In the constant coming and going of students, Hanamaki did not move from his position, too busy watching one girl in particular.

As soon as the bell had rung, without wasting a second, he had left his classroom and had rushed to get some food, avoiding the lunch hour crowd, but this time he hadn't gone to meet his teammates, since he didn't need their unnecessary drama.

He already had enough of it. Of his friends, of their refusal to clear up the air, of their futile attempts to deny anything was wrong, of their forced smiles and stinging words – especially Oikawa's, the main source of everything. He could not stand to be with them, feeling the tension that roamed through the group and weighed on every word, and it was precisely for this reason that, that morning, he'd decided to escape. He wanted to breathe, to leave them to face responsibility for their actions. For once, he had no intention of interfering in matters that did not concern him.

Let's face it, after enduring Iwaizumi's continuous sighs, Matsukawa's glances towards the two childhood friends and Oikawa's fake laughter... maybe he really deserved a prize.

Hanamaki took a deep breath and clenched his fists in his pockets, then crossed his ankles. Although the hallway was crowded with students, from his position he could easily see the only person he was really interested in: Kaname Asuka.

As he'd already told his friends during Oikawa's birthday, Hanamaki wasn't in love with her, nor he had a crush on her – or at least he pretended he didn't – but he couldn't deny that he was somehow attracted to that small, always smiling girl – who was, as always, surrounded by her friends, _again_. Not to mention that by now trying to talk to her, if only for a minute, had become a matter of principle.

_I have my pride! If I have to be refused, it will have to happen face to face!_

He bit his lower lip when he realized how pathetic his own thoughts sounded, but he'd really had enough.

He was tired of seeing her run away in front of his eyes every time he tried to approach her, even just to say hello. He understood that she could be shy and he'd even considered the possibility that she could be too kind to turn him down directly, not wanting to break his heart – he didn't even hide his intentions, obvious as they were – but he couldn't go on like that.

Hanamaki had lost himself so much in his own thoughts that he didn't even realize when Kaname looked up at him, catching him in the act of staring at her. He felt so guilty and embarrassed that he looked away, focusing on the opposite side of the hallway to try and act cool.

_Well, congratulations for being an idiot_ , he cried internally, clenching his fists even more.

He wanted to bury himself and to be honest, the best idea would have been to run like hell before Kaname could somehow reach him and ask him not to follow her anymore, telling him that it was disturbing, but in the end... after all, even that would have been a way to talk, right? _I'm so pathetic, I must be really desperate._  
His attempt to act cool went up in smoke when he returned to peer at the girl from the corner of his eye.

Or rather, he tried to.

«What the...!» He got up and ran immediately towards the spot where, until a moment before, Kaname's group had been. He even looked inside the classroom she had been standing in front of, ready to abandon his last remnants of dignity just so he could talk to her that day, but she seemed to have disappeared. «What is this, a magic trick!?»

Hanamaki reached the nearest flight of stairs and looked up, then looked down to observe the lower floor in search of the copper-colored hair he could recognize everywhere, catching a glimpse of it before it disappeared over the last step.

«HEY!» He did not know why he screamed like that, in fact he regretted it the exact moment when Kaname looked up at him with a surprised expression.

At first she did nothing, not even when the girl at her side – that only then he recognized as Iwaizumi's classmate – looked up to see what had caught her friend's attention. Needless to say that she too was surprised when he noticed Hanamaki leaning over the railing with an expression that looked determined, and at the same time filled with panic.  
Both girls were surely wondering how desperate he could be, drawing their attention like that after always hanging out around them, but to Hanamaki nothing mattered in that moment. He just hoped that he hadn't made a total fool of himself.

Kaname's friend turned to her and whispered something in her ear with an amused smile on her lips, but the other jerked away, only to give Hanamaki a simple bow and an embarrassed smile before disappearing down the stairs.

Hanamaki stood still for a generous handful of seconds, wondering if he had made the biggest mistake of his life. What if he had embarrassed her too much? What if the next time he tried to talk to her, her friends told him to go away because they had taken him for a freak?

With a weary sigh, he sat down heavily on the steps and leaned his head against the railing. He felt everyone's eyes on him, heard someone commenting on what had just happened, but Hanamaki was too busy commiserating himself to care.

«If I keep being rejected by girls, it will turn out that I'm into guys too...» He mumbled.

Certainly, however, he didn't think he'd be answered.

«There are so many things I could say right now, especially regarding your last statement, but I'll just be compassionate without asking for explanations.»

Hanamaki threw his head back, meeting Matsukawa's eyes upside down. The latter was standing behind him, hands tucked in his pockets and a bored expression to accompany the smile on his lips, a sign that he had witnessed the scene – or at least, the last part of it.

«Maybe you should change your approach, don't you think?» Matsukawa advised with a hint of amusement in his voice, and Hanamaki gave him an irritated grimace.  
«If you came to laugh at my misfortune, you can go back to where you came from.»  
«I've caught up with you just to give you my support, you're a bad friend, you know?»

Hanamaki looked at him for a long time before standing up with a sigh, leaning over the railing to try and see Kaname one last time. However, realizing how stupid that action was, he sighed again and turned to Matsukawa, folding his arms.

«You do realize that you're the last person I would ask for advice on how to approach someone, right? Especially after your last approach consisted in kissing someone without even asking permission.»

Matsukawa looked away thoughtfully, as if reflecting on the other's words, but with a grin he returned his attention on his friend.

«Are you jealous of my methods because they work or because you know you'd never have the courage to put them into practice?»  
«I don't wish to be sued for harassment, so thanks, but I prefer to avoid putting into practice your intrepid methods.» Despite the annoyed tone, Hanamaki's lips curled into a slight smile.  
«Are you too proud to ask Iwaizumi to speak with her friend? She could put a good word for you with Kaname.»

Hanamaki rolled his eyes, but he didn't know if it was because of what Matsukawa had implied, or because he noticed something in the latter's voice when he had pronounced Iwaizumi's name.

«I'm the one who usually minds other people's business, try not to steal my role.»

Without thinking twice, Hanamaki patted Matsukawa's chest, but before he could take a step in the direction of his class the other's hand rested on his shoulder, holding him back. To the eyes of a passer-by it would have looked like a spontaneous gesture, causal enough to go unnoticed, but it made Hanamaki take a deep breath.

«Because I know that you like minding other people's business so much, I thought you'd be interested in hearing me out,» Matsukawa murmured.

Oh, how Hanamaki wanted to tell him off, especially when he turned and saw that smile that said nothing and everything all at once. He hated knowing Matsukawa so well, it caused him too many problems sometimes, but he also knew that he was like an open book to Matsukawa, too. And most of all, he hated himself for the fact that his friend had, indeed, managed to capture his attention.

Hanamaki turned slightly to observe him with a grim look and a forced smile, irritated by how Matsukawa had shamelessly relied on his curiosity.

«So, why should I stay and listen to you after I spent the past week trying to avoid you and your problems?» Hanamaki didn't even think for a moment that what they were going to discuss could be related to something else.  
«First of all, can we go somewhere else?» asked Matsukawa with a calm tone.

If that was any indication, it wasn't going to be anything good. _At all_. Hanamaki knew that, judging from his seriousness, his composure and even the calm that transpired from Matsukawa's every gesture and word. Despite everything, however, he broke free from the other's grip and nodded as he began descending the stairs.

One day his inability to say no to his friends would damn him, he was sure.

\- - - - -

«I just wanted to ask you something... maybe.» Matsukawa climbed on the bench and sat on the edge of the backrest, sipping the juice he'd bought from one of the vending machines. «I'm sure you have noticed it.»

Hanamaki, who had been standing in front of his friend, looked at him and waited in silence for him to speak.

The whole time, as they had left the hallway and headed towards the inner courtyard – which, strangely enough, wasn't crowded that day – Matsukawa had not uttered a single word. Occasionally Hanamaki had thrown him glances, trying to understand what important thing he had to tell him. Unfortunately, Matsukawa was so inscrutable that Hanamaki had set foot in the yard even more exasperated than when he'd accepted to talk to him.

«What should I have noticed? Because contrary to what you think, I also have my own problems to think about, which as you could see, are quite shy and hard to deal with.»  
«Are you sure that Iwaizumi has really clarified with Oikawa?» Matsukawa asked without hesitation.

_Something tells me that all my attempts to not meddle in their business have just been thwarted with one question._

He had to calm down, to think about what was going on and above all, to not take any position or give advice that could put weird ideas in the other's head. Especially because it was Matsukawa, the embodiment of the bad habit of acting without thinking about consequences.  
So Hanamaki decided to sit down, concealing his thoughts behind his usual bored expression.

«Why do you ask?» He asked first to test the waters, as he leaned back on the bench with both arms.  
«Because it's ridiculous.» Matsukawa sighed and took another sip of his juice. «Oikawa looks like a bomb ready to explode, and don't tell me that I'm the only one who noticed it.»  
«I guess you noticed because it's Oikawa...» muttered Hanamaki, not giving Matsukawa time to reply to his not-so-veiled jab as he added, «I noticed that too, you're not the only one. They've talked, but not in the way we all wished for.»  
«What do you think about it?»

He hated that question.

«I don't know what's going on, but I'm not going to put myself in the middle of this shitty situation, not two weeks before Spring High. Oikawa is wearing himself out with his training regime, and I know he's nervous about that too, he's always like this before important games. The fact that he'll have to play against both Kageyama and Ushijima only contributes to the detriment of his nerves.»  
«That's what worries me,» Matsukawa whispered distractedly. «Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking to you because I'm worried for _him_ in particular, I know he's not an idiot. But it's as if he's processing something big and Iwaizumi doesn't seem to understand it. Or at least this is my impression, judging by his constant barbs towards Iwaizumi.»

How could Hanamaki tell him that, knowing Iwaizumi, there was a high probability that he was purposely avoiding to indulge Oikawa? Sure, those were just speculations, but Hanamaki had reached the point of believing them so much that he was sure that something was wrong, and that therefore Matsukawa was right. If he was to admit it, however, he would have to give up on his resolution of minding his own business, and perhaps it was for this reason that he looked down and pursed his lips.

«Maybe they're just stressed out, or maybe they have no idea how to deal with this story, or both. We know that it's more than plausible, given that something like that happened between us, too. We didn't speak to each other for almost two months and you're worried that those two are acting weird after a only few days?»

Matsukawa turned his attention to Hanamaki, just a minute to study him, then he turned back to stare at an indefinite point in front of him. A smile creased his lips.

«I'd like to say that you're right, but I don't think it's the same.»  
«Are you by any chance belittling what happened between us compared to this? I might be seriously offended!» Hanamaki grinned, but Matsukawa gave him a warning look.  
«I'm glad to see that now you can joke about that night, but it won't work. I know you're trying to change the subject.»

_Hit and sunk._

This time it was Hanamaki's turn to look up to Matsukawa and scrutinize him, but, unlike the other, he did not move his attention away.

«And where did all this determination come from?» Not that the looks that Matsukawa constantly threw the other two had come unnoticed, but Hanamaki wanted to know what his friend was getting at.  
«I can recognize when two people want to ignore each other out of embarrassment, like it happened between us, but this is not the case, or at least not for Oikawa. It seems quite the opposite, it's as if he's craving for attention and he's doing everything to get it from Iwaizumi.»

Hanamaki didn't try to deny the evidence, since it was so obvious that even a blind man could see how right Matsukawa was.

It was true that Oikawa sought in every way to get Iwaizumi's attention, everyone in the team had noticed at that point. Fortunately their teammates didn't know anything about the matter, and they were so used to seeing the two of them together that they had thought nothing of it.  
Not that anyone could blame Oikawa; after a confession, anyone would want attention from the person they had feelings for. The problem was that Iwaizumi kept feigning ignorance: practice, looking after Kyoutani, studying, meeting teachers, any excuse was good to ignore Oikawa, and the more he did that, the more Oikawa seemed to glare daggers at his best friend... if they could still call themselves “best friends”, since no one knew how to define their relationship anymore.

Hanamaki slid on the bench, staring at the sky before curling his lips into a grimace. For a few seconds neither one of them spoke, then Hanamaki shifted his eyes back on Matsukawa.

«Maybe Iwaizumi realizes that it's not a good time to deal with personal issues?»  
«The fact is that this situation is making me nervous.» Matsukawa snorted and crossed Hanamaki's gaze with a neutral expression. «I don't know how I should behave, I stopped meeting Oikawa, and yet Iwaizumi keeps looking at me like he still wants to kill me. It's frustrating.»  
«Frustrating?» Hanamaki seemed surprised and at the same time curious to hear Matsukawa say such a thing. «After seeing you kissing in the locker room, and I seriously hope for him that it was _just that_ , I think it's normal that he's still acting defensive when he's with you.»  
«I know, it's just...»  
«Matsukawa, spit it out. What is it that you can't accept?»

Matsukawa, for the first time, sighed with a vein of irritation. He seemed reluctant to speak, or perhaps he was just thinking of the right words to use, taking a few seconds before answering the question.

«I hate that, even after all that has happened, they haven't done anything yet. It should be normal to feel like this, right?»

Hanamaki turned and pointed his elbow against the back of the bench, resting his chin on his palm as he sharpened his gaze on his friend. There were so many things that Matsukawa was hiding, he was sure, and he could easily guess some of them if he just put his mind to it. But he didn't want to say too much, no more than he should at least, so he just asked for clarification.

«Why do you hate that?»  
«Because I feel like an idiot if I think that I have to ignore it,» he admitted in a whisper. «Oikawa is waiting for something from Iwaizumi, something Iwaizumi is so determined to ignore. For months they closed their eyes and pretended nothing happened, but if they call this a clarification, then I don't know what to think.»

Hanamaki didn't tear his eyes away from Matsukawa, not when he saw him frown nor when he noticed his eyes harden as he spoke with a voice full of resentment and perplexity. He kept studying him, perhaps drawing his conclusions all too quickly.

To tell the truth, it was a thought he had been mulling over every time he'd reflected on the situation, ever since Matsukawa, the day after Oikawa's birthday, had approached him to talk.

\- - - - -

Because of the heat, the hangover, the incredible headache caused by the constant chatter of his three friends and the anger he still felt towards Iwaizumi after the cold shower he'd forced him to take, Hanamaki had come to consider that the worst day of his life. Still he wondered how he had been able to get out of Iwaizumi's place, and he didn't even remember why he had agreed to go to lunch with them rather than going straight home, to his bed, so he could sleep without interruption until the next day.  
A part of him wanted to believe that he'd been dragged into that, but unfortunately the other part reminded him that perhaps it had been his idea.

_Why can’t I keep my mouth shut?_ , he'd repeated to himself over and over again during that afternoon. At least they had spent it in a small ice cream shop, since none of them had felt like doing anything more challenging than that.

Hanamaki had been thankful when Iwaizumi had said that it was time to go home, since his parents would have returned soon, and even more so when Oikawa admitted he had to go home because his sister had arranged a family dinner.

He'd been out of the ice cream shop as soon as he had paid his bill and waved everyone goodbye, looking forward to embrace his beloved bed. But Matsukawa had been quick to shatter his hopes, catching his attention and meeting his eyes with a serious gaze.

That day he saw something in those eyes, a question that had inevitably forced him to follow Matsukawa through the almost empty roads, silently observing his friend as he walked by his side until they reached Hanamaki's place.  
After greeting his parents they'd gone to his room, where Hanamaki had stared at his bed with longing.

«If it's something stupid, I swear I will kick you out. I just want to sleep until school starts.»  
«Nothing new, then,» Matsukawa said with disinterest, reaching the desk chair to sit on it.

Hanamaki had not responded, quickly reaching his bed to throw himself on it and sink his face into the pillow, letting out a muffled groan of joy.

«Can we talk without you falling asleep?»  
«I'm not asleep.» Hanamaki gestured with his hand to show that he was awake, although, to be honest, he didn't know how long he'd last.  
«Okay. Do you remember what happened last night or were you so drunk that you forgot everything?»  
«Unfortunately, I remember every single thing.» He turned to look straight in Matsukawa's eyes, resting his cheek on the pillow. «Why?»  
«Well... Did you notice anything? I mean, did you think that Oikawa was acting weird?»  
«Yes, he was drunker than me.»  
«Don't sell yourself short, no one was drunker than you.» Matsukawa giggled before returning serious. «But really, there was something strange.»

Hanamaki studied him in silence, trying to reflect on his words, but at that point it was nearly impossible for his brain to keep up. How could Matsukawa believe that he'd be able to follow his reasoning in those conditions?

«Speak out, I have everything but the energy to think.»  
«I'm almost certain that Oikawa likes boys as well as girls.»  
«Oh?» At first Hanamaki did not react, too busy pretending to process what the other had suggested.  
«What do you think he'll do if I tell him that I find him attractive?»

It took a few seconds for Matsukawa's words to sink in, but when realization hit him, Hanamaki sat up on the bed and stared at of his friend in disbelief.

«Wait, are you serious!? Are you kidding me!?»  
«Why should I? I'm not joking.»

Hanamaki could feel his fatigue and headache fade away, replaced by a myriad of thoughts that momentarily clouded his ability to speak.

«What? Why are you looking at me like that? I know you were drunk, but you saw how he was acting yesterday, right?» Matsukawa shrugged, as if he'd just said something obvious.

There were many things that Hanamaki wanted to say at that moment. That Oikawa could not be into guys, that Matsukawa's hope could have influenced his thoughts, that the night before they were all a bit too drunk to really know what really happened.  
Instead, he found himself whispering, «Is this a curse? Is there a reason why I attract homosexuals to me? Is this a sign that I should change my sexual orientation?»

«Actually, it was _him_ who attracted _you_ because of that game,» pointed out Matsukawa, leaning with one arm back in his chair. «I don't believe that he was so happy about that... at least at first.»

Hanamaki let himself fall back down on the bed and stared at the ceiling, but before his mind could start to wander, he turned again to Matsukawa with a frown.

«Weren't you the one who constantly complained about Oikawa's temper? What's this change of heart?»  
«I didn't say that I want to marry him. I still think that sometimes he can be unbearable, but I've also got eyes, you know.»  
«Oh... okay.» Hanamaki went back to looking at the ceiling, curling his lips into a pensive frown. He narrowed his eyes and sighed, before getting up on the bed again. «No, you know what? Nothing is okay! Are you stupid!? What you're saying makes no sense, you can't expect me to just go along with the idea of you liking Oikawa! If you abandon me to start pursuing him like one of his fans I'll go crazy!»

\- - - - -

«Don't tell me.» Hanamaki eyes widened as he straightened up, frowning a moment later.

He couldn't believe what was going through his head, but the words came out before he could stop them.

«Tell me Oikawa didn't brainwash you like he does with his fans!»  
«Do I look like one of his fans?» Matsukawa stared at him completely dumbfounded.  
«I don't know, are you?» Hanamaki asked in turn, as if he didn't know how to respond to that.  
«I'm not, you idiot. I just don't like to be put aside for nothing, that's all.»

Hanamaki wished he could have made that conversation stop. He even found himself hoping to hear the bell that would mark the end of their lunch break, but of course luck was never on his side.

He knew where Matsukawa was going with this, and had he been free to say what he was thinking without the risk of instigating the other to do something crazy, he probably would have even said that Matsukawa was right. He understood his point of view, since Matsukawa and Oikawa had stopped seeing each other because of what happened with Iwaizumi, but showing him his support would have probably enabled him to make stupid things just to get closer to Oikawa.

«Everyone has their times, just because you're honest and never miss an opportunity, it doesn't mean that it's the same for others too.»  
«I know.» Matsukawa narrowed his eyes in thought. «But what can I do, I tried to turn a blind eye, but those two are not helping.»

Although he was close to scream at him _“None of you three is helping me, but I'm not complaining about it!”_ , Hanamaki managed to keep a calm tone of voice.

«Is it possible that you're regretting letting go of Oikawa that night?»  
«Even if I was, it wouldn't change anything. Oikawa is madly in love with him, it's just that Iwaizumi doesn't have the courage to decide what to do with him, that's how things are.»

Hanamaki heard the bitterness in his voice, and looked away to hide his surprise.  
They had shared many things in those three years together, but he'd never seen Matsukawa get so intense for something like that. Usually he preferred to take things more lightly, not giving too much importance to certain issues, but if Matsukawa had reached the point that he no longer wanted to laugh or joke about what was going on... it meant only one thing.

«Weren't you the one who told me “he'll probably laugh in my face if I tell him that I find him attractive, but there's no harm in trying”? Because right now, hearing you say that Oikawa is madly in love with Iwaizumi makes me laugh. You're the one who sounds madly in love with Oikawa, to be honest.»

Matsukawa fell silent for a moment.

«It's more like a matter of pride, I think. Not that it bothers me that Oikawa has a crush, but stepping aside for Iwaizumi and then being forced to watch while the situation is back to shit... that stings.»

The more Matsukawa kept talking about it, the more Hanamaki was certain that what he had insinuated was closer to the truth than he'd thought. However, he quickly dismissed the idea.

«I understand your point of view, really, but as I said you can't expect everyone to be like you. There are people who are comfortable when approaching certain topics and others who are unable to come to terms with the issue right away, that's all. And yes, I am referring to Iwaizumi. We talked, and I can assure you that he's not pretending nothing happened, he's just trying to figure it out.»  
«Ignoring Oikawa again?» Matsukawa asked bitterly. «Pretending not to see that Oikawa is a bundle of nerves all the time?»

The urge to shout what he thought of that situation was strong in Hanamaki. He wanted to tell him that yes, Iwaizumi was stupid, because he knew that ignoring Oikawa wouldn't lead to anything good, and behaving as if nothing ever happened was even worse. He should have told Matsukawa that it was none of his business, that he should stay away and let them handle their relationship like they wanted, but he didn't think that was right. After all, if Matsukawa wanted to try his luck with Oikawa, he could do it, especially if Iwaizumi didn't even seem to be interested in having that kind of relationship with his best friend.

And then there was Oikawa. He could have said so many things about him. He could have complained about how he did nothing but spit poison against Iwaizumi and make stinging jokes instead of clearly saying what he thought. Oikawa should have just stopped avoiding the matter by distracting himself with training and talk to Iwaizumi, maybe even fight again, if that would have meant finally exposing their feelings for one another.

But although Hanamaki wanted to let it all out, once again he had to take a deep breath and keep everything to himself.

«Well, he's not ignoring Oikawa, he's just acting like always. Before you say anything, I know that it's wrong to pretend that nothing happened, I'm not denying it.»  
«Iwaizumi has been asking me to not flirt with Oikawa, and now that he could have him...»

Hanamaki looked at Matsukawa with a question that he couldn't hold back anymore.

«Maybe you're jealous?»  
«Is that what you hope for or what you really think?» Despite his calm voice, Matsukawa's eyes darted towards Hanamaki.  
«You tell me. You keep scrutinizing Oikawa and Iwaizumi, you feel irritated because you've been pushed aside, and you've come to me to say that perhaps you regret letting Oikawa go that evening. You know that if I hadn't told him what Iwaizumi told you, Oikawa would be probably still thinking that his feelings weren't reciprocated. He might have stayed with you and maybe your encounters would have evolved into something more. With that in mind, I ask you again: are you jealous?»

Matsukawa didn't answer at first, and that alone would have been enough to Hanamaki. But when he glanced back and started playing nervously with the now empty juice box he had in his hands, Hanamaki's ideas became a certainty.

«It's never been anything serious with Oikawa. I knew that and he knew that, I didn't have any expectations. I even imagined that this would have happened as soon as Iwaizumi had taken a step forward, I just... I didn't think he would give me so such trouble.»  
«You haven't answered yet.» Hanamaki's lips tilted into a little smile, and Matsukawa snorted.  
«And I'm not going to, I won't give you that satisfaction.»

Hanamaki nodded absently. He settled on the bench and crossed his legs before leaning back, then brought his attention to a point in front of him as he tried to sort out the facts he'd learned.

Matsukawa didn't need to answer for him to know that the situation was making him uncontrollably jealous, though Hanamaki could bet that it wasn't because of some dull romantic reason, since he wasn't the type... maybe. He had spoken of pride, and perhaps, after all, it was true. His pride had been wounded when he'd realized that Oikawa had chosen someone who didn't even seem to be interested in him over Matsukawa.

_What if he subconsciously feels attracted to Oikawa precisely because he knows that he can't have him because of Iwaizumi?_ Hanamaki hoped that was not the case.

«I just hope nothing bad will happen at the wrong time,» Matsukawa continued. «We both know that Oikawa could go crazy if this undermined his preparations for Spring High, and I surely don't want to see them make a scene again.»  
«I'm sure you won't have to worry about that, he's not stupid, even if he often acts like it. They both know how to leave their personal business out of the court and I'm convinced that that last scolding from our coach is still fresh in their minds. Other than that... I don't have the faintest idea of what's going to happen.»

Matsukawa nodded, but he didn't seem entirely convinced.

«I hope for Oikawa that Iwaizumi will make his move soon.»

This time Hanamaki didn't answer, too busy thanking the bell that rang in that precise moment. He really didn't know how to continue that conversation without making things worse. He stood up and stretched, then looked at Matsukawa before sighing and placing his hands on his hips.

He had promised himself not to take sides and to keep an eye on things without interfering, but his need to give people advice was too strong to ignore. He knew he would have regretted it for sure, especially if Matsukawa hadn't taken it, and that was what worried him the most.

«Just promise me one thing.»

Their eyes met.

«I can't force you to stand aside and I wouldn't even have the right to ask you that, but think twice before doing anything. I'm asking you not to do stupid things, okay?»

They could hear the voices of the students returning to their classrooms, the distant yells of the teachers telling them not to run, but between Matsukawa and Hanamaki there was only silence.  
They observed each other, both intent on thinking about who knows what, then Matsukawa rose from the bench and threw the juice box in the nearest trashcan.  
Hanamaki watched his every move, before Matsukawa finally turned toward him with a half smile.

«I'll try to keep out of trouble... as much as I can.»

\- - - - -

It was going to rain that night. Oikawa observed the clouds filling the sky, the rumble of thunder in the distance the only noise in the awkward silence that was accompanying him and Iwaizumi during their walk home from school. It was the perfect weather for his state of mind, the cause of which couldn't be simply attributed to the oncoming game against Karasuno, but to the person who was walking by his side.

He could have easily ruined that apparent lull, with insinuations to get on top of the questions he had in mind, but something inside him told him not to do it, to postpone everything until after the end of the tournament, not to quarrel with his best friend on the eve of such an important event.

Oikawa sighed and wore a bored expression, hands in his pockets as he kept an eye on Iwaizumi's figure beside him.

It had been difficult to ignore it, and he was sure he hadn't even been good at it. To pretend that everything was fine and that Iwaizumi was behaving as usual because he wanted to, and not because he felt uncomfortable. Even after their so-called clarification.

How many times had Oikawa asked himself what had been the point of it? He even started to wonder if Iwaizumi really cared about his feelings or if he just passively accepted them, thinking that Oikawa would understand that he wasn't interested in taking a step forward in their relationship and give up.

A single question would have been enough, a simple _"What is there between us, Iwa-chan?"_ , but he didn't want to risk damaging their already precarious situation, ruining any effort made so far to maintain a normal relationship.

_First the matches_ , he kept telling himself. _I can't afford any distraction._

Apart from the fear of somehow letting that distract him on the court, he really hated how Iwaizumi had dismissed the topic and set it aside in a remote corner of his mind, as if he wanted to just forget what happened. He hated how, under his apparent normal behavior, there was always a flush of embarrassment and discomfort when they were alone or when they talked about anything that went beyond small talk, and even more, he hated that probably no one had noticed but him.

Oikawa had reached the point of feeling like an outsider when he was in Iwaizumi's company, and it hurt him. They were wounds that opened every time Iwaizumi looked away when their eyes met, when he left with some dumb excuse and when, in spite of what happened, he threw Matsukawa cold looks every time the latter worried for Oikawa, asking if he was resting adequately after his extra practice sessions.

He didn't understand anything anymore, and that spoke volumes, since Oikawa had always been good at analyzing and understanding people. Iwaizumi had always been an open book to him, but suddenly everything had changed.

Oikawa looked down at the pavement, still reflecting on what happened.

He'd started to regret confessing his feelings to Iwaizumi, but more than anything he regretted not having the strength to yell at his best friend because it was not right on his part to ignore that.

«Tomorrow's the day.»

Oikawa was surprised when Iwaizumi's voice pushed away his thoughts. He looked up to glance at him, then took a deep breath and returned to look in front of him.

«Yeah, indeed.»

Receiving such an uncharacteristic short answer, Iwaizumi studied him with the corner of his eye, but said nothing else for a good few seconds.

If it was true that Iwaizumi had not talked to him since they'd left the school, he couldn't say the same for his mind, which had been kept occupied by countless thoughts.

The next day they would had played one of the most awaited matches since they'd started the preliminaries of the Spring High. They would have played against Karasuno again after that friendly match from many months before. And once they'd defeat Karasuno – because that would happen, no one doubted it – they'd finally have a chance to have their revenge against Ushijima. A revenge they had craved for so many years, their last chance to prove that Shiratorizawa was not superior to them.

They had trained hard, practicing for hours without breaks, perfecting services, tosses and spikes, abandoning all the superfluous thoughts to concentrate everything on their goal.

For this reason Iwaizumi had not spoken with Oikawa of what had happened between them.

He had put aside his personal doubts, distancing himself as to not be overwhelmed by those weird feelings caused by the other's presence. He couldn't give a name to those feelings, and that made him question their relationship, wondering why it had changed so much.

He believed that Oikawa felt the same about it, and yet...

«Nervous?» asked Oikawa, but did not seek any eye contact.

He was not stupid, nor blind.

While Iwaizumi had been pretending to be able to concentrate on the upcoming match, he knew very well that both his own heart and his mind were in turmoil.

After smoothing things over with Oikawa that fateful evening, he had decided that it made no sense to bring up what happened again and risk affecting the harmony of the team itself. Arrived at that point, however, he was starting to wonder if he'd made the right choice. If acting like usual, like they had decided to do after their first kiss at Oikawa's birthday, somehow had only worsened the situation.

Pretending nothing happened was certainly not a mature behavior, but he had no intention of doing it forever. There would had been a day to clarify, to speak calmly about it all, it just... wasn't that day. Or so Iwaizumi believed.

«Iwa-chan, it's obvious that I'm nervous. This doesn't mean that I'm gonna lose, though!» A smile appeared on Oikawa's lips, to which Iwaizumi could only respond with a shrug.  
«I hope so.» He placed his bag over his shoulder, then tucked his hands into his pants pockets. «We’ll have to not only defeat Kageyama, but also to get back at Ushijima.»

Oikawa clicked his tongue and let out an annoyed sound at the mere mention of those two names.

«I intend to.»

After all, it was hard for Iwaizumi to ignore that quiet, untroubled façade, and it was perhaps for this reason that he found himself stopping in his tracks, observing Oikawa's back as he walked in front of him.

He didn’t know if it was the right moment to say what he was thinking, since his words could have either raised Oikawa's morale, or created a hardship that would have inevitably led to serious problems on the court. There was one thing he was certain of, however, and it was that silence would have been the wrong choice, especially after seeing how desperately Oikawa had been seeking his attention.

«Oikawa.»

Oikawa stopped, feeling his heart accelerate at the sudden change of atmosphere. He turned to Iwaizumi, meeting those eyes filled with a seriousness he'd become all too familiar with over the past months. A seriousness that left no room for jokes of any kind, and that was able to paralyze him.

«Tomorrow.» His voice almost boomed in the silence between them. «Tomorrow, after our matches.»

Oikawa sighed, not looking away from the other. He knew what Iwaizumi was talking about, and perhaps he should have felt better now that he knew that the other hadn't completely set aside their situation, yet this did irritate him even more.

«About time, Iwa-chan,» was his only whisper, before he gave him his back again and resumed walking.

Iwaizumi frowned at that reaction. He certainly didn't expect him to jump for joy, but he didn't think he'd just shrug it off like that either.

«Hey, Oikawa!» Without thinking twice he reached out and grabbed his arm, making him stop and turn around to speak face to face. «I'm serious. I know that we should discuss it right away, but we both know that this is not the right time to get distracted because of our problems. We have a lot to talk about, and we will. Don't think for a second that I have forgotten about what happened.»

Oikawa didn't answer, just nodded his head.

The truth was that at that point, he was afraid. He didn't want to deceive himself, he just couldn't. Despite what Matsukawa had told him, despite what happened between them... he didn't know what all that meant to Iwaizumi, if the intimate moments they shared held any importance to him. His every word could either make or break him, and he wasn't even aware of the enormous power he wielded over Oikawa.

«We'll talk later, Iwa-chan. Now we have to think about the important things.»

Iwaizumi didn't immediately free him, unconsciously tightening his grip on his arm as if he was somehow afraid of letting go, before forcing himself to loosen it and take a step back, giving him a nod and a rueful smile.

«Try not to think too much, I don't want to be forced to pick a fight on the court to make you come to your senses. We have to win.»

Oikawa huffed an amused laugh, staring at Iwaizumi.

«I know that, it's not me you should worry about! Who do you think you're talking to?»  
«It depends. An idiot who gets carried away a bit too easily by the events?» Iwaizumi's smile widened. He snorted and lightly punched the other's chest, then returned to walk by his side. «Or I might be talking to our reliable captain who will lead us to victory. Sometimes I think you suffer from multiple personality disorder, I can't believe they're the same person.»  
«So mean!» Despite everything, Oikawa smiled, before leaning forward to meet his friend's gaze with a strange grin on his face. «Want to bet that I won't be the one to make more mistakes?»

Iwaizumi sharpened his eyes on him, amused.

«You know I hate bets, since I'm not like Hanamaki and Matsukawa, but... I am confident enough in what I said and I'm willing to bet what you want that you're going to be the first to get overwhelmed by the intensity of the game.»  
«Well, we'll see then, Iwa-chan. Want to make it official?»  
«I can't accept yet, I still have to come up with what I want to ask from you when I win.»

Oikawa chuckled, momentarily putting aside all thoughts to enjoy their conversation.

«You'll be sorry, Iwa-chan! I didn't think you were masochistic enough to bet on an obvious defeat, because I will be the one to win!»

Iwaizumi breathed a sigh of relief at the sound of that sincere laugh after a week of fake, circumstantial smiles. That's how it was meant to be between them: no tension caused by embarrassing situations, no need to hide doubts in fear of facing them. A simple conversation, a light but constant banter that felt almost nostalgic after all they'd been through.

«It's not masochistic, it's smart. I bet only when I'm certain to win.»  
«Since when are you smart, Iwa-chan?» Oikawa stared at him with a seriously confused expression.  
«Since the day I met an idiot like you!» Iwaizumi retorted with an irritated grin.  
«This doesn't change the fact that your move is not smart at all, because you're-going-to-lose!» Oikawa crooned .  
«We'll see, Shittykawa.»

Oikawa chuckled, grateful that at least for a moment the tension between them had vanished, leaving only the expectation for the following day.  
Of course, that wasn't enough to erase the doubts that continued to permeate his every thought, coming back strongly as soon as he said goodbye to Iwaizumi in front of his house.

After he'd been able to finally savor a moment of normality with his best friend, hearing his laughter and joking with him, he couldn't stop the idea that sprouted from the depths of his insecurity. 

_Did I really do the right thing confessing to Iwa-chan?_

He adored their relationship, loved how they supported each other despite their constant bickering. Losing everything for a feeling that was confusing both of them... would that really be worth it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A storm is approaching, and you wish is the weather.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to reopen some old canon wounds with this chapter, I'm sorry.

Every player on the court would remember that moment for his entire life, that mix of adrenaline and will to win that shook everyone's body, and spurred them to give more, more and more, bringing every move to the extreme for the sole purpose to score the point that would mark the end of that hard-fought match.

From the stands, a choir of cheers for Aoba Johsai resounded through the gym, but Karasuno did not seem the least bit intimidated. They probably couldn’t even hear them anymore, their minds focused and their muscles strained for the fatigue, trying to dismiss the idea of not being able to continue, because no one could afford such a thought. And the same was true for Aoba Johsai.

Every effort was rewarded by shouts of encouragement from their teammates, and this was enough to make them keep moving, even when their legs were already heavy as rocks, clinging with nails and teeth to victory, the only thing that really mattered.

Losing focus was out of question, a moment of distraction would have resulted in a fatal error.

This, Oikawa knew well.

There was no room for doubts or any other thought that had filled his head so far. His mind was focused exclusively on the game, on making every toss perfect so that they could bring victory home. He had already made too many mistakes because of his distractions and he couldn't afford to keep going like that, not when all eyes were on the ball that didn‘t seem willing to touch the ground.

His heart was pounding, but he knew that it wasn't from fear of losing. Whenever that ball was spiked and received, tossed and passed, every inch of his body trembled with excitement. His eyes followed that ball that passed from hand to hand and darted from side to side of the court at full speed, carrying the players' voracious need to win.

_"We believe in you, captain."_

More. If he really wanted to lead his team to victory, if he really didn‘t want to betray the trust that the others had placed in him, he had to overcome his own limits.

_"Someone who can't see the opponent standing right in front of him, can't defeat the opponent that lies beyond!"_

Oikawa was about to take a step back when he saw Kageyama recede and Sugawara run to the front line, his eyes widening when he realized that the ball was directed to Karasuno number three.

_"The team with the better six is stronger, you dumbass!"_

He felt the blood pumping in his ears and his chest was about to burst, but he had to move. It didn't matter if his muscles were burning or if his bad knee was starting to give up, he wouldn't have stopped even if his rash actions would have led to him injuring himself.

_We have to win._

His body moved when he saw Hanamaki receive the spike, and he launched himself into a run at breakneck speed to catch that ball that seemed impossible to save.

He owed it to his friends. He couldn't give in just because weariness was affecting his body, it was an unacceptable excuse. Every single person on that court was giving their best, even though it was clear that no one was in a position to keep playing like that anymore.

How could he face his teammates again if he pulled back when they needed him most? He was Aoba Johsai's captain, for fuck's sake! He would never, ever give up as long as there was even a slim chance of winning.

«Oikawa, I beg you!» Hanamaki's voice came through loud and clear to his ears, and his eyes instinctivly searched for the only person he knew who'd follow him until the end.

He saw a glimpse of surprise in Iwaizumi's eyes, but any doubt was swiflty cast away by determination. Oikawa was putting all his trust in him, and Iwaizumi wasn't going to let him down. He ran with confidence towards the net and jumped, prepared to spike, as if he was sure that Oikawa would save that ball and toss it to him.

Ecstatic cries filled the building as their insane move succeeded, sending the ball to the other side of the court and keeping it in game, for what everybody knew would probably be the last exchange.

Oikawa fell against the chairs placed on the side of the court, gritting his teeth for the sudden pain in his side, but by no means he was going to let it stop him. He tried to get up quickly, but in doing so he stumbled and fell. A shock of pain stronger than the previous one struck his right knee and for a second he wondered if he had exaggerated, but seeing Iwaizumi jump and spike with all the strenght he had left in his body, his companions focused on their adversaries with the utmost confidence that their captain would not abandon them, gave him the energy he needed to get back on his feet and reach his place, alongside his team.

_It's not enough!_

Iwaizumi's spike was perfect, but Karasuno's captain seemed to have guessed the trajectory, receiving it with only a slight delay and giving their number five the opportunity to retrieve it under the gym's general astonishment.

Battle cries raised from both teams, as Karasuno's ace spiked the ball from the back row to avoid giving a golden opportunity to Aoba Johsai.

Every second of that fight was making Oikawa's legs weaker, but in that moment, when Watari received and the ball almost fell to the ground, when Kyotani brilliantly saved it and Kindaichi was able to block Kageyama's spike... Oikawa couldn't help but grin, drunk with a mix of adrenaline and euphoria that was making his body move even though he had no strength left.

It was then that he saw Hinata rush in the direction of the net, breathlessly shouting for Kageyama to toss to him.

_Come._

It was the moment of reckoning.

_Show us your ultimate weapon, Tobio!_

The exchange was fast, but Iwaizumi, Kindaichi and Kyotani were quick to react. They immediately jumped to wall up, and Oikawa promptly put himself in position to receive number ten's spike.

_I see it._

Oikawa sharpened his eyes on the ball as it reached the highest point of the net.

_I can see it. I see it perfectly._

The point where he would spike, where Hinata's eyes had dwelt even if only for a brief moment. Oikawa had seen it, he'd reached it, and with a determination that very few other players could boast of having, he put all his remaining energies in that receive which, if missed, could mark the end of the match.

_It will not end here!_

He was wrong.

That day, Karasuno managed to halt Aoba Johsai's advance, leading 2-1 in sets.

\- - - - -

When Iwaizumi got up from his bus seat and went to call Oikawa as requested by the coach, it was only because he had to talk to him, and not because the man had made it clear that he wanted to discuss with both of them what had happened during the game.

Honestly, he wasn't in the mood for such a speech. The wound was too fresh for him to pretend that it didn't hurt and just proceed head-on, blinking back the tears that still stung his eyes. That's why he had agreed to move away from the group so quickly, so he could avoid being seen in case he decided to spill again with his anger. This time his teammates would not be at his side to support him, since even Matsukawa and Hanamaki had disappeared somewhere, probably to spend some time alone, just like he wished to do.

He sighed and put his hands in his pockets, getting off the bus and proceeding with his head bowed under the sun that warmed the autumn air.

Iwaizumi had so many things to tell Oikawa that the mere idea of waiting to be back at school was unthinkable. It wasn't just about their sentimental situation, which itself needed to be cleared up so thoroughly that it surely would have taken them hours to figure out, but also about what had happened on the court, about that toss that had given him goosebumps, as he'd been filled by Oikawa's blind trust.

During the whole week, Iwaizumi had found any plausible excuse to distance himself from him, but after that match, he felt like he owed him an apology. Iwaizumi had been the child between the two of them, the one who had made their relationship crack just because he had been afraid of Oikawa's feelings, so clear and sincere compared to his own.

«...so if I had chosen Shiratorizawa instead of Seijou, it would have been okay? No team is assured to win.»

Iwaizumi suddenly stopped at the entrance doors, recognizing Oikawa's voice. What he hadn't expected was to see him with Ushijima Wakatoshi, the captain of Shiratorizawa.

For some reason unknown to him, he instinctively approached the wall and leaned against it, hiding from their sight. Not because he was afraid of interrupting something, but because Oikawa's question had attracted Iwaizumi's attention so much that he wanted to know more.

_Oikawa? To Shiratorizawa?_ Ushijima, over the past three years, had repeatedly told Oikawa that his talent was wasted at Aoba Johsai, but it was the first time he had actually heard such a thing.

«... The best team, is the one I'm in.»

Iwaizumi clenched his fists at his sides, forcing himself to stay put in order not to snap and punch Ushijima in the face for his presumption, but Oikawa's laughter calmed his irritation. What surprised him even more was the composure with which Oikawa spoke.

«Worthless pride, huh? Maybe it is... Listen, Ushijima. I never thought that I made the wrong decision, not even once.»

For some reason, although he knew that Oikawa was not addressing those words to him, Iwaizumi's heart lost a beat. It was then that he decided to look at them from his hiding place. 

«My life in volleyball does not end here, so you'd best never forget...»

A shiver ran down his spine when he saw Oikawa's grin, his eyes stabbing Ushijima like a predator with its prey.

«...this worthless pride of mine.»

He was angry... no, he was furious. He knew him well enough to realize that, underneath the smile that pulled at his lips, lurked a burning rage that could devour every shred of his rationality if he didn't find a way to placate it.

Iwaizumi gulped and leaned back against the wall, closing his eyes for a moment before making his way out of the hall, careful to not be seen. Oikawa's voice was lost in the distance, but he wasn't paying attention to it anymore.

If Oikawa wanted to speak, he would have to come to him on his own accord. Iwaizumi had overheard enough to know that that was not the right time, not when Oikawa clearly needed more space than anyone else, to be alone and vent in one way or another the storm of feelings he was hiding inside himself.

\- - - - -

Having Ushijima remind him of their loss and their weakness with his usual arrogant naivete hadn't certainly helped Oikawa to appease the anger that was raging inside his chest. He was so frustrated that it was a miracle he still hadn't let himself cry, like many other players had done in that gym. Oikawa had never cried over a match since his first year of high school, and he certainly had a good reason that time too, since his last hope of having their revenge against Shiratorizawa had been sent up in smoke by Kageyama Tobio himself.

But no, he would not cry. Oikawa had fallen, but he would be raised with pride, even at the cost of keeping in chains the uncontrollable anger that made him shudder, looking for a way to come out.

He had managed to remain calm until that day, suppressing the tension, agitation and irritation he had to endure in the last few weeks to win that match – a dream that was now shattered – in addition to his own personal problems. He had to bear it all in silence, smiling and supporting everyone like a good captain, but at that point he wondered if he could keep it in any longer. The idea of having to train to win the tournament had somehow helped him keep together the fragmented pieces of his mind, but now not even that could prevent him from collapsing. Not to mention that, seeing his friends in tears, burned him more than any offense or humiliation he could receive.

Oikawa took a slow breath, staring at the floor and briskly walking through the hall corridor to search for his teammates. It was easy to find Kindaichi and Kunimi, who were already headed toward the bus, while Hanamaki was sitting outside the bathroom, typing on his phone.

Hanamaki looked up when Oikawa's shadow darkened him.

«Oh, hey.»

Oikawa, in response, gave him a single nod toward the entrance.

«They're probably almost done with loading the bags on the bus, we have to go.»

He was aware that his tone was colder than normal, and on other occasions he would have apologized to Hanamaki, explaining that he had met Ushijima and that he was more irritated than necessary, but at that moment he didn't care so much. He just wanted to go home. Being in the building where they had lost less than an hour before didn't help him calm down.

Hanamaki glanced at the bathroom door in front of him, then he stood up and dusted himself off. Oikawa noticed his gesture and instinctively followed his gaze.

«Where is Mattsun? I thought he was with you,» asked Oikawa, placing both hands on his hips.  
Hanamaki nodded, then he pointed towards the door, «He went to the bathroom, I was waiting for him... although now,» He stared at the phone. «It's been almost ten minutes.»

Oikawa looked again at the bathroom door, then sighed.

«We'll join you right away, go ahead with the others.»  
«You sure?» Hanamaki frowned, but then let out a small smile to defuse the tension. «Need I remind you that Matsukawa is not very sociable after a defeat?»

A grin lit up Oikawa's face, even if it wasn't his usual genuine one. Apparently, he succeeded in his intent anyway, and Hanamaki raised his hands in surrender before walking away.  
Oikawa waited until the other had disappeared behind the corner to let that fake smile drop, then he opened the bathroom door and stepped in without a second thought.

 

Oikawa knew that many of his teammates had left just to avoid being seen crying, he had seen a confirmation of that in Kindaichi's reddened eyes. He was mentally prepared for what he was about to see, aware of the reason why Matsukawa had locked himself in the bathroom, but when he entered, he was still taken aback for a moment. Matsukawa was leaning against the sink with both hands, his red eyes still wet with tears raising to meet Oikawa's as he heard the door open. It was hard to process how the confident guy who always made fun of anyone with that annoying bored smirk on his lips, could be the same person that was now silently staring at him. He almost seemed startled, to the point that he didn't realize when droplets of water started to fall from his wet hair and outlined his cheeks, only to reach the collar of his already soaked jacket.

«Hey-» Matsukawa cleared his throat when he realized how hoarse his voice was, then spoke again, «Hey, what are you doing here?»  
«I was looking for you, we have to get to the bus.» He hated how he had abruptly interrupted that moment, but he couldn't have done otherwise.

Matsukawa nodded and grabbed the edge of his shirt to wipe his face, hiding from Oikawa those red eyes that certainly would have been difficult to conceal from the other team members.

«I'll be ready in five minutes,» he murmured with a faint voice, looking back at the mirror and observing Oikawa's reflection. There was a light smile on his lips, even if he was anything but in the mood to smile.

Who would be, after what happened? Oikawa knew how hard it was to ignore the pain and frustration, having to smile in front of others to mask what he really felt; he'd done that with his teammates, with Iwaizumi, with Ushijima and with Hanamaki, too. For some reason though, he couldn't do it in front of Matsukawa. Maybe because he knew that the other would see through his act if he tried, since he'd learned to understand him perfectly after becoming so intimate with him.

Oikawa shook his head and closed his eyes to drive away those inconvenient thoughts, then he opened them again and crossed his arms over his chest. Once again, he found himself cursing his inability to leave instead of complicating the situation.

«You played well, Mattsun. I just want you to know this, don't think for a moment that somehow it was your fault.»  
«Don't fool me with these clichés, Oikawa, it's not like you.»

Oikawa stared at him through the mirror, Matsukawa meeting his gaze with a disarming seriousness. It was clear that those damp eyes hid unspoken thoughts, he could tell by how Matsukawa's hands were holding the sink with such force that they were shaking, but also by the harshness with which he was watching the captain.  
However, Oikawa didn't let that put him down, sharpening his focus on his teammate without moving from his position.

«What about whining about losing, instead? I'm serious. You played well. The fact that this was not enough, that all of us were not good enough, is another matter.»  
«There's a big difference between whining and feeling irritated because you know you could have done more. If we'd really played well, at this time we would be talking about strategies for our match against Shiratorizawa.»  
«I know that.» Oikawa almost hissed. «There's no need for you to remind me.»

Matsukawa looked down at his own hands and sighed, closing his eyes to help himself calm down. It was stupid to argue when they were both frustrated because of the defeat. He knew he should have taken a deep breath and walked out, leaving Oikawa alone to vent his visible anger, just like his captain wanted. He knew it, but that didn't stop him from opening his eyes and look again at the other.

«I was just making an observation.»  
«I know.» Oikawa looked away. He almost trembled before speaking again. «I damn well know that you're right, dammit! Do you think I don't know that it was not enough?»  
«Then don't tell me that I played well. That stuff is for children.»  
«It isn't, Mattsun.» His voice sounded like a warning.  
«There are winners and there are losers, and the fact that we lost shows that we didn't play to the best of our ability.» In contrast, Matsukawa's voice held an annoyed note.

Oikawa approached him with firm steps, stopping only when he was close to him. He didn't touch him in any way, only scrutinizing him, his lips pressed into a thin line before opening them and whispering an icy tone.

«What do you want to hear? That you played badly? That it was a mistake to let you step into the court? That without you we would have won? You want to hear that you were not up to the task? I don't have the time or the patience to deal with that bullshit, because it's not the truth.»

What was he supposed to tell him? Matsukawa had spent the past hour analyzing every single play, his and his companions', and he knew that Oikawa was right. He had retraced their steps in his mind, wondering if they could have done more, but the truth was that they had really played to the best of their ability. And yet, despite everything, they couldn't do anything against Karasuno.

It had not been enough.

If Matsukawa was angry, it was only because he couldn't stand the idea of not being up to a challenge. There had been mistakes on their part, and perhaps, in hindsight, they could have played differently, but the truth was that such things always happened, in every game.

_"There's always a winner and a loser."_

It was just hard to accept.

Matsukawa clenched his fists at his sides, looking down in order to not betray his feelings.

«Are you frustrated? Good.» A strange smile curled Oikawa's lips. «That's exactly how you must feel, because yes, we lost.»

Matsukawa sharpened his eyes.

«What game are you playing? Because I'm not in the mood for your mood swings right now.»

This seemed to attract Oikawa's attention, instantly killing his smile.

«Mood swings? You have no idea of how feel.»  
«Oh, really? Because the only thing I understand is that you're hiding behind your fine words, like you always do.»

Oikawa reached out a hand and gripped his collar, pulling him closer. Their eyes were connected, their anger clashing dangerously.

«Repeat that, I dare you,» he challenged.  
«What, that you're hiding what you feel behind your fine words? That you can't face the truth?»  
«WHAT ELSE SHOULD I DO!?» Oikawa yelled. «Whatever I do, it's never enough! Never! The more I try to do my best, the more the situation seems to get worse, like it happened today! We lost, Mattsun, how should that make me feel!? Of course I'm angry, it's not about mood swings!!»

Matsukawa was speechless in front of the rage burning in the other's eyes, overflowing but still unwilling to be released.

Oikawa was always like this, always trying to bear the guilt of their defeats, always prioritising his role as captain over his own emotions, hiding his frustration so he wouldn't burden his teammates. 

It was time for Oikawa to stop with that self-deprecating attitude.

«You couldn't have done anything more than you did. None of us could, right? You said it yourself. We can't beat ourselves up over it. We just weren't enough, end of story.»

End of story.

Oikawa's eyes widened, then he let go of Matsukawa and took a step back. An eerie grin that meant nothing good appeared on his lips, as Ushijima's words returned to his mind like a slap in the face.

«Yeah, it's always like this... never enough.» The more he thought about it, the more he wanted to yell, a lump forming in his throat. «After all, what can an average player do against those natural geniuses? It's obvious that people like Ushiwaka-chan or Tobio-chan are superior, is that what you're saying?»  
«What the hell are you talking about, Oikawa?» Matsukawa froze him with a look, but Oikawa kept talking like he hadn't spoken.  
«I hate these moments, you know? I hate them so much! I hate feeling... like this!»

Oikawa had no time to react when Matsukawa shoved him by the shoulder against one of the wooden doors, anger transpiring from his every gesture.

«What, you think you're the only one who's frustrated!? You think you're so special!? A lot of our teammates are crying and blaming themselves, but here you are, _bragging_ about how you're much more upset than anyone else, telling me that I have no idea how you feel!»

Oikawa grabbed Matsukawa's shirt with both hands and tried to push him away with all his strength, unable to hide how his words had affected his pride.

«Do you think it would help if I showed you all how much it hurts!?»  
«If you are so mad like you say, prove it rather than ignoring! Stop playing the role of the perfect, imperturbable captain who believes that a few words like "you played well" are enough to make the others feel better!»  
«Do you think anyone would feel better if I do it!?» snapped Oikawa, moving closer to him again and trying to grab his sweatshirt, but this time Matsukawa was faster, grabbing his wrist to block him. «No, it won't benefit anyone! You have no idea what it's like to have the responsibility of the whole team on your shoulders! Having to support everyone as the captain and then being told that all my choices were wrong!? Oh, of course, Mattsun! You can understand it, right? NO, YOU CAN'T!»

Matsukawa's grip tightened on his friend's wrist.

«I swear, Oikawa. There are so many bad sides of your personality that I just cannot stand, but I've never hated them as much as I'm hating your belief that everything depends on you! Do you really believe that the team will blame you!? Than seeing you angry or crying would demoralize everybody? You are an egocentric bastard, you idiot, because it's the exact opposite!»  
«I don't care if they blame me, I have to face my responsibilities, whether you like it or not! And if you hate my behaviour so much, I'm sorry for you, because I'm not gonna change my mind and I'm not going to cry for your personal pleasure!»

There was a moment during which neither of them spoke, too busy glaring at each other, then Matsukawa let Oikawa go and stepped back. He put his hand on his hip and with the other he rubbed between his eyes, then sighed heavily.

To be honest, he couldn't even think about a good reason why they were fighting in a restroom about something like that, but every word Oikawa said made his blood boil.

«There is an abyss between having responsibilities and taking the blame for everything. You say I can't understand, and well, maybe it's true. Unlike you though, I know what the team is thinking at the moment, it doesn't take a genius to figure it out and you would have noticed it too, if you had been less self-centered.»

Oikawa was about to reply, but Matsukawa didn't let him.

«They feel guilty because this was our last game. They don't think that I, you, Iwaizumi or Hanamaki played badly, none of them believe that, so do everyone a favor and stop with that crap.»  
«I swear on my life Mattsun.» Oikawa proudly lifted his chin, frowning as he watched the other. «As long as I am the captain, until the last second, none of my teammates will see me cry for a defeat! None of them will have to feel guilty for me!»

Matsukawa wanted to shout at him for how stupid his way of thinking was, to tell him that he was proud of having a captain like him, that he had been sincere when during the game he'd said that he trusted him, but in that moment the need to punch him was as strong as the admiration he felt. He'd rather fight with him to his last breath, until his throat started burning, if that was what he needed to make Oikawa see reason. He wanted with all his heart for Oikawa to vent, not only because he was his captain, but because he cared about him. He wanted to see him cry, partially for personal satisfaction perhaps, but also because he hoped that by doing so, Oikawa could finally let go of the burden that he carried for so many years.

He wanted to do and say many things, but only a tense murmur fell from his lips.

«You can pretend, you can even hide it to yourself if you want, but deep down you know how things really are.»  
«You're wrong.»

Matsukawa raised an eyebrows at his confident tone.

«You can be sure that I will have my revenge in one way or another. I know that I'll get it, I just have to wait.»

Anyone would have been speechless in front of such a reaction. Someone would have been worried, someone would have even been scared at that sudden, unexpected change. A second before Oikawa was screaming, and now he was grinning as if nothing happened.

_And he has the courage to say he doesn't have mood swings?_

However, Matsukawa went against any logical reaction. He wasn't frightened by the other's self-assurance, he was just... charmed.

He felt a thrill go through his entire body, an attraction that he'd never felt before pushing him towards the guy in front of him; so proud, so haughty, so stubborn, so damn _beautiful_.

«Therefore, Mattsun, don't think even for a second that it's over, because for every defeat, I will make them suffer at least twice as much.»

He might have been crazy, but in that moment, the only thing that Matsukawa wanted was to kiss the breath out of Oikawa's lips.

Yeah, he wanted the person he'd been complaining about until a moment ago, the same person he had shouted against and that had irritated him to the point of making him lose his temper. Seeing Oikawa, that usually conceited and childish boy, imposing his presence so proudly, was driving Matsukawa crazy.

He knew that it wasn't right, Hanamaki's voice kept echoing in his head, reminding him that he should think twice before acting, that he should not interfere in Oikawa and Iwaizumi's precarious relationship, but how could he resist? It was an instinct that he could barely keep under control.

Matsukawa looked away for a moment and stared at the door, then at the floor, and finally he brought his eyes back on Oikawa with a smile on his lips.

«This confidence of yours is irritating, you know?» _And damn exciting_.  
«Oh, really? Does it fall into the category of things you can't stand about me?» Oikawa gave him a smug look.  
«I would say it's between presumption and obstinacy.»

Matsukawa knew that with each passing second, his common sense was wearing thin, but he couldn't escape those eyes; they were watching him as if Oikawa was studying his every move, weighing his words before giving him answer.

Had he perceived some change in the air?

The answer came sooner than expected, when Oikawa sharpened his gaze on him and then walked away, approaching the sink to open the tap. He was aware that something in Matsukawa had changed, he could tell by the intensity of his stare, to the point that he could feel those eyes pierce his back, but it wasn't an uncomfortable feeling. It had always been that way, every time Matsukawa watched him with so much fervor his body reacted instinctively.

Oikawa looked in the mirror and crossed the other's eyes, then put on an amused grin. He didn't know where his next words came out from, his mouth acting faster than his thoughts.

«You didn't seem annoyed by my presence when we met in the locker room, you know?»  
«At least you didn't talk.» Matsukawa grinned, folding his arms across his chest and before taking a step in his direction, then another, until he was close enough to barely touch Oikawa's back.  
«I have my doubts about that.» Their eyes never moved from the other's.  
«You think? Because I have other memories etched in my mind and believe me, you blabbering nonsense is not among them.» Matsukawa was so close that he could have bent down slightly to whisper those words directly into Oikawa's ear, but neither of them moved from their positions.  
«Nonsense? Oh, Mattsun. You might offend me.» Despite Oikawa's amused tone, there was no trace of a smile on his lips. He stared at Matsukawa's reflection even more carefully, tightening his grip on the edge of the furniture.

Oikawa had already stopped repeating to himself that he should have gotten away as quickly as possible from the other. Matsukawa's body was blocking him against the sink countertop and those hungry eyes were studying every inch of his face; he was trapped. Not to mention that... he didn't even know if he really wanted to get away, not when he felt Matsukawa placing both hands on his hips and crushing their bodies together.

Oikawa hated the power Matsukawa had over him, a power that was making him forget about the fight they were having, erasing all thoughts from his head. The way Matsukawa's hands were tightening on his body made him feel like he was on fire. He could merely stand still, eyes fixed on the mirror, even when Matsukawa leaned slowly to caress Oikawa's neck with his lips, making him shiver.

«You're feeling offended?» Matsukawa whispered in his ear, his lower lip brushing his earlobe before returning on his neck with slow movements. «That's nothing new.»

_"Promise me you won't do anything stupid."_

Hanamaki's voice resounded again in Matsukawa's mind, but his body didn't seem inclined to follow that advice, even if he should have. He had promised him that he would have done his best to not make the situation worse, but hell, how could he even think of backing off now? And besides, why hadn't Oikawa pushed him away yet? It would have been easier if he had refused him, but there he was, watching him with those liquid eyes full of what looked like expectation, as if he was waiting to see to what extent Matsukawa would have exposed himself.

They knew they were playing a dangerous game, but at that point they didn't care. They were devouring each other with their eyes, all feelings of anger and frustration abandoned, uncaring of the fact that anyone could have walked into that restroom, finding them in that compromising position. 

Matsukawa wasn't forcing Oikawa to do anything; if he was still there, it was because he wanted it, as much as Matsukawa did. Why should he have listened to Hanamaki and backed off? And for who? For someone who didn't have the courage to face his feelings and hadn't even shown any interest in Oikawa?

No, fuck that.

Without warning, Matsukawa took a step away to make the captain turn towards him, then pushed him against the countertop, taking his face in his hands and bending down to finally capture those lips he'd been craving for so long.

Caught off guard, Oikawa panted against the other's mouth, and this allowed Matsukawa to deepen the kiss. He bit his lower lip, licked it and then slipped his tongue in his mouth, voraciously swallowing every breath that escaped from the contact.

And then, Oikawa pushed Matsukawa away from him.

Matsukawa stared at him in silent tension, wondering if maybe he'd been mistaken. What if Oikawa wasn't really interested in him, what if he'd misunderstood his signals, his looks?

All his doubts were swept away when Oikawa gripped Matsukawa's jacket and pulled him down to smash their lips together, without even thinking about what he was doing, whether it was right or wrong, just acting on instinct.

Maybe it wasn't right, but _he needed it_.

At first Matsukawa stood motionless, unable to react or realize what was going on, but he was shaken from his astonishment when Oikawa's hand cupped his nape to keep him close, preventing any escape from that kiss.

Their tongues hungrily seeked one another, their breaths joined among gasps that filled the otherwise silent room. Matsukawa moved his hands along Oikawa's back, lingering for a few moments on his sides before going down further to grip his buttocks, using the leverage to lift Oikawa and make him sit on the space between two sinks, so eager that the mirror behind Oikawa almost fell at the impact. Every action was dictated by their need to give in to that desire that, ever since their very first kiss, had been inexorably drawing them to each other.

Oikawa wrapped his legs around Matsukawa's waist in a firm hold, then laced a hand through his hair and tightened the other on his shirt, stealing quick gasps of air before recapturing Matsukawa's mouth with even more emphasis than before, uncaring of the wetness making the kiss more sloppy, of how heavy their breaths were becoming.

Oikawa pierced Matsukawa with his eyes before grabbing his chin and forcing him into another kiss.

Matsukawa had always been methodical in what he did, even during their sporadic meetings, he had never felt overwhelmed by passion, but for some reason, in that moment, everything was different. Maintaining the rhythm of the kiss, he quickly moved his hands on the other's thighs and squeezed them, then let them slide under his shirt to hold onto his bare hips as he left those lips to kiss Oikawa's jaw, his neck, then just below the ear, where he bit him on the spot he had found to be so sensitive in the past.

Oikawa moaned, leaning his head back to give his teammate more space to work.

Matsukawa had been a fool to believe he could ignore that fire and let Oikawa run after someone else, to believe that he could keep his stupid promise to Hanamaki.

He loved kissing Oikawa, to embrace his body and make him feel sensations that, as Oikawa had once confessed to him, he had never thought he could feel. There was chemistry between them, an attraction and an almost surreal complicity. Not on a sentimental level, no – at least not at that time. But it was enough to drive him crazy.

Matsukawa's hands returned on Oikawa's thighs, climbing them slowly and reaching between his legs while their mouths clashed once again.

It was that feeling that awakened Oikawa from his state of trance, bringing back the memory of what happened with Iwaizumi. 

_Iwaizumi_.

The thought of what he was doing to him made Oikawa act on instinct, and he pushed Matsukawa away with maybe too much force. What was he doing? He had confessed to Iwaizumi... and yet, his eyes couldn't leave Matsukawa's confused ones, his body unmoving as he stared at the other with flushed cheeks.

«Don't look at me like I'm the only one to blame for this...» Matsukawa murmured, pulling his hair back before indulging in a deep breath to try and clear his head.

Not that he really wanted that, he knew that if he started thinking about it, he would come to regret it.

Right now he only regretted not having done it before.

Matsukawa stepped closer again, leaning with his hands on either side of Oikawa's body, but didn't touch him. He merely looked at him, studying the features of his face, his kiss-swollen lips, and then meeting his gaze.

He knew they both wanted it, even if Oikawa was trying to find an excuse not to feel guilty about it.  
Surprisingly, Oikawa didn't try to look away, biting his lower lip.

«I'm not... saying that,» he whispered. His voice was soft and insecure, a clear sign of the conflict that was going on in his head.

Oikawa didn't know what to do, considering that Iwaizumi did nothing but pretend that his feelings didn't exist, while in front of him there was a person who made him feel so good and complete – a person who gave him the attention that he was almost sure he'd never receive from Iwaizumi. He knew that what he was doing wasn't right, both to his best friend and to Matsukawa. It was as if he was taking advantage of the latter only because he couldn't have the person he wanted, even though deep down he knew that Matsukawa was not just that. Part of Oikawa was drawn to him, he desired him, he wanted to feel him closer as much as he wanted to feel Iwaizumi. They were the two faces of the same coin, physical attraction versus emotional attraction, pure lust flanked by the blind love he felt for Iwaizumi, a feeling so strong that could subdue everything else.

And yet... he couldn't turn Matsukawa away.

«Don't do it again. Don't-»

_I couldn't stop myself._

Matsukawa kept staring at him, cocking his head slightly to the side and very, very slowly approaching his lips. Even when only a fraction of an inch prevented them to join in a new kiss, neither of them moved, their warm breaths mixing in the silence of the room.  
He put a hand in the crook of Oikawa's neck and squeezed just a bit, but when he spoke his tone of voice was as mellifluous as a caress.

«I won't do anything. I'm not going to force you, but I'm not going to leave. I will not make the same mistake twice, I'm not leaving just because it would be the right thing to do. I'm not going to ignore what I want just to please someone else, not this time. If you want me to leave, tell me clearly.»

There was anger in Oikawa's eyes, but this time it was addressed to himself, to his inability to make the right decision.

He should have stopped, if he wanted to remain faithful to the confession he'd made to Iwaizumi. It shouldn't have been hard, he just had to get up and walk away, just like he'd forced himself to keep going during the match – even though many times his legs had complained about the effort. 

But this time the problem wasn't his body. He just couldn't convince himself that what they were doing was a mistake, that they've only been driven by a mindless need to vent their frustration. Matsukawa was not a mistake. He was the light that inevitably attracted him like a moth to a flame. He was the only person who could openly tell him why he hated him and then kiss him just because he was following his instincts, someone who didn't care about other people's opinions and who didn't let himself get overwhelmed by doubts on what's right or wrong.

Matsukawa was... everything Iwaizumi could never be.

Slowly, Oikawa raised his hand to touch Matsukawa's face, drawing him closer to join their lips for a few seconds, before biting his lower lip with a noise of frustration.

Matsukawa pulled away to look at him straight in the eyes. He ran his tongue over his own lip, feeling the faint taste of blood in his mouth, then smiled, satisfied to see the irritation in Oikawa's eyes.  
He tightened his grip on his neck and slid his other hand through his hair, leaning in to kiss him again. It was almost predatory, as if he was testing the waters to see if Oikawa was really convinced of what he was doing or if he would soon move away again. When he didn't, Matsukawa sealed their lips together and tasted every centimeter of the other's mouth with his tongue, enjoying every stolen breath.

At least during those minutes they shared, nothing else mattered anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank my friend Alice, who did a [beautiful fanmix](http://8tracks.com/creme_bruhlee/more-than-anything-else) for MTAE. Well, I cried, so you should cry over it too!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished the move! ♥ Having my own home has crushed all my old habits, but I couldn't abandon this story! I'm finally back for the p̶o̶r̶n̶ drama! - Amalie
> 
> Warning for those who haven't read the manga! We mentioned Seijou's extra (vol 17) in this chapter!

«What the fuck were you thinking?!»

That was how everything really started, from a question asked with a furious tone by Hanamaki, on the school's rooftop during a peaceful autumn day. The defeat still dampened the team's pride – although the fact that Shiratorizawa had lost as well eased the pain a bit – but after that tournament, the first and second years were ready to take the reins of the team, leaving the third years free to leave the club and prepare for their entrance exams. It still wasn't official, since the older members continued to drop by the gym sometimes, but you could feel in the air that soon it would be time for them to abandon the court after three long years of playing.

They weren't ready to abandon everything yet. Oikawa knew he'd ought to stay away from the gym in favor of studying and he was fighting every day against his desire to go back to practice. However, at that moment he couldn't think of anything but his friend's eyes on him, full of the same anger and resentment that permeated his usually detached tone of voice. Oikawa's confused expression would have led an external witness to think that he didn't have the slightest idea of what the other was accusing him of, but it wasn't like that.

Oikawa was never sure if his friend's outburst had actually been the beginning of the end, or the principle of something that was beyond his understanding.

He knew why Hanamaki was so angry, but he'd consciously decided to ignore the reason until he'd been forced to deal with it.

\-----

Yuda Kaneo, Aoba Johsai's third year reserve spiker, had just finished his analysis of their last play against Karasuno. The air was thick with tension as the boys walked home that evening, Iwaizumi far too quiet for Matsukawa's tastes. It was true that their defeat meant the end of their club experience, but there was something more in his silence, and Matsukawa had noticed the fleeting glances Iwaizumi had been throwing towards Oikawa after the game. It had happened when Iwaizumi had seen Oikawa and Matsukawa return together to the bus, during the meeting with the coach, and even during dinner with the others, despite the hustle and the constant distractions.

«Cheer up, Hajime, the wrinkle on your forehead is showing,» had said Yuda, barely earning a half-hearted response from the other.

Only Oikawa's voice managed to capture his full attention, when his analytical tone worthy of his role as captain broke through the discussion, «Your timing in hitting my toss before was perfect. Give yourself some credit, Iwa-chan.»  
«All the more reason to be frustrated, because of that toss and perfect timing!!»  
«You're right! But I was the last to react and I couldn't pick it up so I should be the one sulking! I'm the one who's frustrated!!»

Matsukawa shook his head at hearing Oikawa's self-deprecating talk for the second time that day, but luckily – or unfortuntely – this time it wasn't addressed to him. He couldn't help but wonder if those two were pretending or if they were really that stupid. After all, Oikawa had to know that Iwaizumi wasn't down only because of the game, and yet the way they were amicably arguing suggested otherwise, and it worried him.

«What are they competing about?» Matsukawa asked in a bored tone.

Hanamaki sighed at his side, while the other reserves of the third year, Shido Heisuke and Sawauchi Motomu, stared at Oikawa and Iwaizumi as they started bickering.

«Oh, well. Same old, same old.»

In the end, what was different? The entire team had gathered as usual for dinner after the defeat, they'd shared their disappointment and discontent with comments and jokes, and then everyone had gone their own way home. But would Hanamaki have said the same if he knew what had happened a few hours earlier in that bathroom between Matsukawa and Oikawa?

In truth, everything was different than usual; their common frustration was simply masking any trace of personal conflict, albeit temporarily.

Matsukawa stared at Oikawa from the corner of his eye for a moment, then looked down again at the road, putting his hands in his pockets.

He would have paid to know what was going on in his captain's head after what happened, and he didn't even know why. Normally he would't have cared so much, but this time it was different, he _felt_ different, and it scared him a bit. What had Oikawa done to him to make him feel like that?

Maybe that was why seeing the other banter with Iwaizumi bothered him so much. He would have preferred a million times to go home and not having to watch that scene, but in the end it was normal, like Hanamaki said, right? It was normal that Matsukawa and Iwaizumi were clearly hiding something inside of them like that, normal that Oikawa had again put aside any thought for volleyball, ignoring the main cause of that tension like Iwaizumi had been doing for weeks. Matsukawa couldn't wait for that day to come to an end, but something made him change his mind in a flash.

«Hey.» He raised an eyebrow, a hint of a smile on his lips. «Weren't we heading home?»

The others exchanged knowing looks and grinned, looking up at Aoba Johsai's gym in front of them.

\-----

_«Thanks for the past three years!!»_

Oikawa's words still rang in Iwaizumi's head, with the same echo with which they had resounded in the school gym less than an hour ago. Hanamaki had tried to stop his captain from uttering that phrase, wanting to end that fun, improvised late night match among the third years with a happy thought, but Oikawa had done it anyway, and everyone had ended up crying.

Iwaizumi still had Oikawa's image imprinted in his mind, with tears streaming down his cheeks in the midst of his teammates, like a true captain worthy of respect. It was late, very late, the streetlights illuminating faintly the deserted street as the two of them walked home with red-rimmed eyes.

Neither of them dared to speak, too immersed in their thoughts, but Iwaizumi was fixated on a particular one.

«You probably won't be happy until you become an old man.»

The words came out almost spontaneously, but they reached Oikawa so fast that he spun around with a hurt expression.

«What?! What kind of curse are you placing on me all of sudden?!»

Iwaizumi sighed and looked up at the sky. It was unusual for him to stay calm after Oikawa's accusations, but he was not in the mood to respond to them. Not when he had felt that way in front of his best friend's authority in the gym, with that emptiness inside his chest and the things he was dying to say to Oikawa.

«Regardless of whatever tournament you win, you'll live chasing volleyball your whole life without being perfectly content, because you're a real troublesome guy.»  
«Don't stick an insult in there at a time like this!»  
«But keep moving forward without hesitation.»

Oikawa stopped, staring at Iwaizumi with wide eyes. Judging from his expression he hadn't expected anything like that, but Iwaizumi knew he owed his best friend those words and he deserved them. Maybe they hadn't clarified their situation yet, perhaps they were acting like idiots, but what he thought of Oikawa Tooru would never change, and the sincerity that he showed was a way of apologizing for his lack of courage and for testing their mutual trust with his hesitation.

«You're the partner that I can be proud of and a really incredible setter.» Iwaizumi never looked down, nor showed uncertainty. «Even if the team changes from now on, that won't change. But when we compete, I'll take you down.»

That wasn't _all_ Iwaizumi felt for the other, of course, but he didn't want to ruin the moment, and judging by Oikawa's grin, neither did he. It was comforting not having to think about their relationship for a moment, returning to being partners in game and just friends. It was nice to think back to all the moments they shared on the court, to that unbreakable bond they had, even if Iwaizumi would never acknowledge it.

In the confusion of his feelings, he was certain of only one thing.

«I wouldn't want it any other way.»

Iwaizumi could never give up on Oikawa. It was certain when their fists rose in unison and collided in mid-air, in that stupid perfect sync they had.

\-----

«Makki, listen...» Oikawa sighed and his expression grew sullen. «Why are you so mad in the first place?»

Useless question, since he already knew the answer.

«Are you seriously asking why I'm angry? After what happened three days ago?»

It had been clear since the moment he'd crossed Hanamaki's eyes, anger quietly darting from them in such an unusual way for him. His words had simply confirmed the fact that Matsukawa had finally talked to him, revealing their short-lived secret. But what could he say about it? The events of that day had only left Oikawa a thousand doubts and a sense of tremendous guilt, which he'd been trying to put aside, even when he and Iwaizumi had unfortunately met the day after their defeat, during Karasuno's match against Shiratorizawa. It had been hard, but somehow he had managed to do it... and yet, Hanamaki was now forcing him to talk.

«Did Mattsun tell you something?»  
«If with "something" you mean that he kissed you and you did nothing to stop him, yes. I would say that he told me _something_.»

Only saying those words seemed to irritate Hanamaki.

Oikawa looked down and took a deep breath to keep his voice calm, but the glare and the accusations that he received undermined his attempt to address the discussion peacefully.

«You said that you like Iwaizumi and that you wanted to clarify the situation. You left Matsukawa behind for this reason, but then you disappeared in a restroom with him to do who knows what?! Are you crazy or did your brain just stop working?!»  
«First of all, I do what I want, and I don't know what came over me, okay?!» Oikawa spread his arms and sighed. «I don't know if it was the heat of the moment, or because I simply lost my mind, I just don't know!»  
«You lost your mind?! Oikawa, you are literally driving Iwaizumi crazy with your feelings, the person you said you like! That should have been enough to hold you back from doing it! And do you want to keep this from him again or are you going to tell him this time? Because I don't believe it will end well, you know?»  
«No, I didn't tell him,» murmured Oikawa. After all, how could he do that without a logical reason? «But after all he's not even my boyfriend, you're talking as if he were.»

Hanamaki put a hand to his forehead and rolled his eyes, facing away from Oikawa to start pacing and to reflect on the issue – or perhaps to find a way not to freak out. He kept muttering things like "I can't believe it" and "you're hopeless," but it was only when he stopped again that he raised his voice slightly.

«Listen, Matsukawa doesn't know that I'm here talking to you, and he shouldn't, because he'd kill me if he knew what I'm about to tell you.» He looked around warily, as if someone else could hear, then his eyes returned on Oikawa. «Did you realize that he's starting to feel something serious for you? He can say what he wants about how uninterested he is and deny he's in love, but if you really want to put him aside then don't give him false hope, because that only proves how selfish you are.»  
«Makki, do you th-»  
«Please don't speak.» Hanamaki smiled nervously, as if Oikawa's every reaction was getting on his nerves. «Don't treat me like I'm stupid, telling me you really thought that Matsukawa didn't feel anything for you and that you two were only having fun. If I'm here it's because my best friend is hoping to get something from an idiot who can't even be consistent with his feelings! Damn you, Oikawa, do you at least realize the consequences of your actions?!»  
«I don't know why I did it, I told you! I know you're right, but when it happened... I don't know! My brain stopped working and it just happened!»

Oikawa folded his arms across his chest and leaned with one shoulder against the metal fence surrounding the roof, with a troubled expression. He was fully aware that what had happened wasn't right, but he also didn't feel sorry at all. And that was making his self-hatred grow like a fire, fueled by Hanamaki's words.

«The fact that your brain was on vacation is not an excuse! Have you thought about how Iwaizumi might react if he found out? You saw what happened last time, I can't believe you seriously want a repeat of that! You like making Iwaizumi and Matsukawa fight over you, is that it?»  
«No.» Oikawa looked down and sighed. He crouched and sat on the ground, leaning back against the fence. «Makki, believe me when I say that I understand what you're saying, but I didn't plan any of it. I was furious, we argued, then the atmosphere changed and I acted on instinct. I completely short-fused.»  
«Sorry, but I think you have no idea of what I'm telling you – you don't even understand what goes on in _your_ head.» Hanamaki lowered to reach Oikawa, leaning with his arms on his own legs and clasping his hands in front of him. His eyes fixated on Oikawa, in a way far too impassive. In another situation he would have laughed or grinned, even bragging about what he knew, but all he did was give him a annoyed grimace.

«Iwaizumi has noticed Matsukawa's feelings for you. If you put as much effort in trying to understand these things as you do during practice, we probably wouldn't even be talking about it. Do you know why Iwaizumi didn't tell you anything? Because he trusts you. I know it because being an impartial observer of your love triangle also has its merits, as well as the downside of having to babysit you as if you were three spoiled kids. And how did you reciprocate this trust? By betraying it. I know that he's not your boyfriend, that this isn't my business and that your situation is complicated, but you betrayed him, whether you like it or not. Deal with it.»

That simple realization made Oikawa shiver. He had betrayed Iwaizumi; only a second of uncertainty had been enough to nullify all those confessions, all those feelings kept hidden for months and moments of intimacy together. And why? Not even he could understand it thoroughly. He could blame it on Iwaizumi's hesitation and avoidance, but he knew it wasn't a good enough justification.

_Congratulations Tooru_ , he thought.

His expression grew darker, until he was forced to look away.

«No, I don't know what goes on my head, and I'd love to know, believe me. I should have said no, but I didn't, I didn't even think about it. I-»  
«Do you want to know what I think about it? First you kiss me for a stupid game and you don't even complain so much, then you kiss Iwaizumi the same night for some reason. Then you kept ending up in compromising situations with Matsukawa, although you had decided to break it off so that you could clarify with Iwaizumi, which never happened – or at least, not the way you wanted. And don't look at me like that, it doesn't take a genius to figure it out, you know? Your ideas are so confused that anyone around you is going insane, particularly Matsukawa and Iwaizumi. You should make yourself a favor and stop convincing yourself that you don't know why you did it, it's clear that you _love_ this situation. Having Matsukawa as a way to vent your frustrations with Iwaizumi might be convenient to you, but don't expect me to accept your shitty attitude towards him. And I don't care if he says he's okay with it, because I'm sick of his fake disinterest too.»

Oikawa supported the weight of his head with both hands, taking a deep breath. It was hard to find the right words to respond, since each accusation had cut into him like a sharp knife.

«You're right, but it's not true that I use Mattsun only as a way to vent. Maybe it was like that at the beginning, I admit it, but the last time was different. I've never felt that way for him, even during the first time he kissed me. He completely erased my ability to think, it was so... intense. I realized what had happened only when it was all over. We had never indulged in that way, I nev-»  
«Stop, stop, stop. I don't care about the details, thank you!» Hanamaki put his hands in front of him, trying to stop Oikawa. He dropped to the ground sitting cross-legged, then stared again at the other, irritation giving way to a thoughtful pout. «Now don‘t get me wrong for what I'm about to ask you. Even if I'm here to defend Matsukawa, I'm actually not taking sides. I just wish for this situation to be resolved as soon as possible and I don‘t care how. Whether you choose one of them or you let them both go, I don't care. I just want this nonsense to end, because they're both my friends, and you're too, Oikawa. But you must understand that your indecisiveness can't go on.»

Hanamaki said nothing for a few seconds, then he decided to finally voice the important question he was waiting to ask.

«Are you sure you really don't feel anything for Matsukawa? Because in all honesty, judging from what you told me, it seems quite the opposite.»

Oikawa held his breath, his eyes fixed on Hanamaki's in an expression full of confusion and surprise. He tried to reply, but nothing came to mind, except an endless string of excuses that wouldn't have lead to anything.

«I-»  
«Does it shock you so much?» Hanamaki shook his head, stunned. «And here I thought you were just hiding it, but you really don't know! You seriously thought you could go on telling yourself that you‘d only been acting on instinct? Flash news, Oikawa: a person does not kiss another just because of confusion, if you did it it's because you wanted it.»

Had he wanted it? Of course it was true. Oikawa had almost _begged_ for it, trying to make Matsukawa react with his provocations. He had wanted it like all the other times, and even though he felt guilty because of Iwaizumi, that did not change. But feeling something for him? That was another matter. To admit such a thing meant messing up the situation even more, it would have made his problems even worse, but he couldn't deny that when he thought about Matsukawa, about every time they'd kissed, his chest felt weirdly tight. He felt an odd warmth expand when he recalled their moments together, the way the other looked at him and every word he‘d told him.

Actually, the answer was easier than he thought; the hard thing to process was the weight it would have on his conscience.

«I... think so.» Hanamaki raised his eyes when he heard Oikawa speak, although the latter had shifted his gaze to the floor. «I'm not completely sure, but I'd be lying if I said I feel nothing for him. After all we've been through together... I mean.»  
«Oikawa, listen. I can't be certain that you're not just saying that because I'm convincing you of something that you don't really think, but you do realize that this would change the whole situation, right?» Oikawa nodded. Hanamaki moved closer to his friend, only seriousness in his eyes and in his voice. «Iwaizumi should know this, just like Matsukawa knows that you have feelings for Iwaizumi. You can't keep him hanging while you're slowly changing your mind!»  
«I'm not changing my mind, I never said that!» Oikawa retorted, looking straight in Hanamaki's eyes this time. «It happened a few days ago and I don't even know if what I'm saying is just my impression or it's the truth. I don't know what to do, do you understand? I'm so confused that I don't even know what to think about myself!»  
«So you prefer to lie to Iwaizumi, pretending that nothing happened and that it's all over with Matsukawa, huh? How much of an asshole can you be?! Not only to one of them, but to both!!» Hanamaki snapped, releasing the anger that he'd managed to keep under control so far. «You can say what you want, that you didn't think or even that Matsukawa's actions clouded your reason. Believe any bullshit you want, but this doesn't change the current situation, so stop acting like the poor victim of the events because you are the cause!»  
«I know, how many times do I have to tell you?!» This time it was Oikawa who raised his voice, glaring at Hanamaki. «What do you know about what I'm feeling, after all it's easy to observe from the outside and judge, right?! You make it sound so simple, but you have no idea what it's like for me. You don't know! Do you think I don't feel guilty?! Do you really think I don't care for them, to the point of ignoring Mattsun and pretending everything's okay with Iwa-chan? Well, you're wrong! There are other things involved, it's not just having kissed Mattsun in that restroom!»

For a moment Hanamaki seemed confused. Oikawa couldn't tell if it was for the sudden change of tone or for what he'd said, as he watched the other sigh and tiredly ruffle his hair.

«All right. There are other things,» he murmured, almost as if to assimilate the new information. «Do you want to talk about it?»

Oikawa stared at him.

«So you can go tell them?»  
«You insult me!» He faked offense, a light grin giving him away, then he sighed and shrugged. «If I really wanted to start a war, I would have gone to Iwaizumi and told him what happened between you and Matsukawa. No, I would never do that. That stupid Matsukawa tends to tell me a lot, but Iwaizumi is not as open on that front. And you accuse me of tattling – even if I deserved it a bit, since I provoked you – but still, I would never go around spreading your business. If I'm here it's because, as I said, I think you are the cause of all these problems and the only one who could put an end to this.»  
«I think I don't know what I really want and everyone understood this. I just... I don't think I'm the only one. That's what I was thinking these days.» Hanamaki raised his eyebrows at Oikawa's gloomy tone. «I think Iwa-chan doesn't care for what I feel for him.»  
«Oikawa, don't you think that-»  
«No, Makki. Now you listen to me. I have been silent, listening to your accusations, but now it's my turn to have my say.» He wondered if the thought of Matsukawa was the reason he was managing to voice his doubts. «I'm not sure how much you know about our situation, but from what I gather you're informed enough to know what's been going on between me and Iwa-chan lately. So tell me, what would you do if the person you confessed to started trying to avoid the subject as if they were ashamed?»  
«Come on, you know how Iwaizumi is. You've known him for much longer than me, right?» Despite his desire to lighten the mood, Hanamaki's smile died on his lips as he grew serious again. «He's not ashamed, he's just trying to deal with everything in his own way.»

Oikawa sighed deeply and looked down.

«Why didn't he say it clearly then? It would have been enough to admit that he needs time, but he chose to ignore the matter.»  
«Okay, he's not the most romantic and extroverted person in the world, but you can't seriously expect me to believe that he always acts like that, twenty-four hours a day. Maybe yours is just paranoia, you feel confused by what's happened and you're trying to find an answer in other people when the only thing you should do is think better about it.» Hanamaki didn't seem convinced at all, but still tried to do his best in listening to Oikawa and help him understand where he couldn't find a way. «Must I remind you that you too have done the same? You could have talked to him, instead you waited and waited.»  
«And ending up looking desperate? Sure, I have feelings for him, but I won't kneel at his feet!» In some way Hanamaki seemed irritated by Oikawa's haughty expression, but he remained silent. «If he doesn't care I won't chase him. I told him what I thought, while he didn't!»  
«Of course you told him everything, like the fact that you feel the same way for Matsukawa, right?» Oikawa was taken aback for a moment, a reaction Hanamaki took a certain satisfaction from. «Yeah, you're not as perfect as you think. Maybe you should start thinking about that too.»

Oikawa shook his head. To be honest, he wanted to do the opposite of thinking. He wanted to erase those doubts that clouded his mind, to break free from those feeling that could take him to heaven and drag him to hell a moment later. He wanted to convince himself that confessing to Iwaizumi hadn't been just a mistake, that all he needed was a simple word from his best friend, something to cling to so he could continue to hope for something beautiful.

Instead, the more time passed, the more he found himself drowning in an ocean of fear.

«I know I'm not perfect, but I don't think asking for at least one clear answer is too much. If I didn't take the initiative in confronting Iwa-chan it's just because I didn't want to think about it. I know, maybe I come off as a coward, but at this point I think it's legitimate to be afraid of a refusal on his part. And then... after the last events, I couldn't help but compare Iwa-chan and Mattsun.»  
«Wait, wait!» Hanamaki put his hands in front of him. «Don't you think it's a bit too early to be comparing them? Shouldn't you try to talk to Iwaizumi and see if it's all a misunderstanding first? You can't start thinking like that without first making sure of what he thinks about it!»  
«Those are thoughts that came to me unintentionally, it's not like I wanted them!» retorted Oikawa.

Hanamaki sighed and stood up, putting his hands in his pants pockets and looking at Oikawa from above. He seemed puzzled, or maybe just worried. After all Oikawa was a friend of his, and seeing him so confused and torn certainly didn't please him.

«First make sure everything's cleared up with Iwaizumi. The longer you'll wait, the worse it will be, new doubts will be added to the old ones, and then it will become impossible to find a solution. Do you really want to reach the point of regretting not saying something from the beginning?»  
«No,» Oikawa murmured. «But I admit I'm afraid of knowing the truth.»  
«It's better to come to terms with the truth than to risk getting lost in uncertainty. Even if you act like a young girl in love, we both know you're not a coward.»

Hanamaki's lips curled in a small smile, which opened even more when Oikawa returned it, relaxing his usual pout.

«I'll talk to Iwa-chan, but only because I don't want him to know about me and Mattsun in other ways like it already happened. I just...» For a moment he hesitated, then his expression turned into an irritated grimace and he clicked his tongue in frustration. «Why do I have to be torn between two opposite sides like this? It's so annoying!»  
«You deserve it, that'll teach you to be popular.» Hanamaki turned and headed towards the door that led back into the building, but after a few steps he stopped and looked back at Oikawa. He had returned serious, maybe too much. «Do me a favor. Find a quiet place far from the school, because we both know how it's going to end.»

It was not a joke, just an observation. And when Oikawa got up and met Hanamaki's gaze, he knew what the other was talking about, and unfortunately he could only agree with him. It wasn't a vicious statement, it was just a truth they both were aware of: Iwaizumi wasn't going to take it well after knowing the whole truth, and in the worst case scenario, it was going to lead to a fight.

«Yes, I know. I certainly don't want to risk ending up in serious trouble with the school.»

Hanamaki waited Oikawa to join him before starting to walk again. He gave him a light pat on the back and a smile, knowing that from that moment on he wouldn't be able to do anything more for his captain.

Everything was in Oikawa's hands now.

\-----

«Not to mention that the teacher didn't want to hear excuses. I was with the team, how could he think that I would be able to study for the test?»

It wasn't clear whether Iwaizumi was pissed because of his bad grade or at the idea of having to study to recover it, his irritated expression embittered by his furrowed brow. He was sitting on a swing next to Oikawa, curled up on himself with more than half of his face hidden by the collar of his jacket to shield himself from the cold.

«You could have studied before, you know?» Oikawa said, absently. He followed Iwaizumi's voice distractedly, troubled by a thousand thoughts that were almost alienating him from reality. He saw Iwaizumi cringe, probably at the idea of having to study days in advance, or perhaps he was just shivering because of that night's temperature. It was almost dark outside, and Oikawa had managed to drag his best friend in that empty park with an excuse, just to have an opportunity to make things clear, as he'd promised Hanamaki the previous day. At that point, he only had to find the courage to show his cards, defeating the fear that was clogging his throat.

What to say, how to say it – it was hard to even put his thoughts in order, but more than anything else, it was hard to find the strength to tell Iwaizumi what had happened with Matsukawa.

Though he had avoided talking with Hanamaki, Oikawa knew that what he felt for Matsukawa could change everything, although he was not sure how. His feelings for Iwaizumi were genuine, he had no doubt about that; it was rather the unknown intensity of what he felt for Matsukawa, as much as what Matsukawa felt for him, the cause of his thousand doubts and insecurities that were increasing minute after minute.

«He should be happy that I pay attention in class and study despite how much I hate his subject, and instead that's how he repays me. Does he think that his subject's the only one we have to study for? We also have oth- Hey, Shittykawa, are you listening?» Iwaizumi cocked his head slightly and leaned forward, looking at his best friend with a confused expression. Oikawa noticed it and smiled, sliding his usual mask on and trying to hide as best as he could his actual state of mind.

«Oh, uh, sure that I'm listening to you, Iwa-chan!»  
«If you say so...»

Oikawa didn't knot know where to begin. The more he thought, the more it seemed an impossible task, even though he knew he had to do it and he couldn't waste that occasion. Iwaizumi was there beside him and he could make the whole thing end in an instant if he'd only found the courage to start that discussion. He just had to turn around, reach for Iwaizumi and get his attention – attention that for a moment he realized he had received, because those green eyes were on him, studying him, looking... surprised?

It was too late when Oikawa realized he had actually gripped on the other's sleeve without thinking.

Iwaizumi was staring at him in silence, perhaps waiting for some words from Oikawa, something that the latter failed to externalize. Oikawa's hand was still holding on to Iwaizumi, his body leaning on one side as his other hand clutched the swing chain. He felt his heart beat wildly, the voice in his head repeating things like _what the hell are you doing?_ and _why aren't you talking?_ , and all he could do to break that moment was probably the wrongest choice he made, one he found observing those eyes, that face, those slightly parted lips waiting for something, even if it probably wasn't what they received.

Oikawa's movement was again dictated by that instinct that took over him every time his mind was no longer able to think. He leaned closer, and when it seemed that Iwaizumi had done the same – he never asked if it had been his imagination or if that was what really happened – he cocked his head and in an instant his lips were on Iwaizumi's; all his doubts were so strong that all he could hear was the echo of his heart beating in his ears and the fear of a possible rejection.

Iwaizumi was taken aback, so much that at first he stood still and, for a moment, seemed to reciprocate the kiss. Only when he realized where they were and that anyone could see them, he pushed Oikawa away and looked at him with wide eyes.

«W-What the fuck are you doing?!»

He was obviously embarrassed, but for some reason Oikawa had expected that reaction. He sighed and shook his head, sitting back on the swing.

«Nothing, forget it.»

Iwaizumi grabbed him by the wrist and pulled him towards himself, glaring at Oikawa.

«Hey, your head's been somewhere else ever since we came home from school. And now... this. What is wrong with you?»

Oikawa looked away for a moment, a veil of insecurity darkening those brown eyes, and Iwaizumi'a grip became uncertain.

«Iwa-chan, I think... we need to discuss a very important matter.» Iwaizumi nodded, letting go of Oikawa to let him speak and taking a deep breath, as if he was bracing himself for what was about to happen. «I have to ask you something.»

Certainly, however, Oikawa was not expecting the question he received to counter his own.

«Can I ask you something first?» Iwaizumi's eyes rose to meet Oikawa's with a disarming seriousness. Oikawa couldn't read his expression, and perhaps that was what intimidated him the most. It was never a good sign when Iwaizumi was so calm, not when it was evident that beneath that mask of indifference there was much more.

«Okay.»  
«What happened after the match?»

Oikawa looked at him in confusion. For a moment he stayed silent, unsure of what Iwaizumi was talking about, because how could he even know what happened? But then the words came out by themselves, expressing the doubt that had found its way out from his head.

«How do you know...»

A spark of panic lit that impassive gaze, but then Iwaizumi sighed and his lips curled into a smirk.

«So something really did happen, huh? It wasn't just my imagination.» He shook his head in disbelief. The smile was gone, replaced by an eerie seriousness. «First Hanamaki returned alone on the bus. I knew it was a particular situation, so I pretended not to notice that you were missing, you and _him_. And believe it or not, I also turned a blind eye when I saw you arrive together. It's just a coincidence, I thought, and against my best judgement, I convinced myself that I had no reason to imagine otherwise. But then I saw how you were behaving, how both you and Matsukawa looked so absent during the trip back and how you avoided meeting each other's eyes, only exchanging those side glance. You really think I wouldn't notice? Oikawa, seriously, how stupid do you think I am?»  
«I'm sorry,» whispered Oikawa, staring away from the other in search of the right words to use – if those really existed. «You're right, Iwa-chan.»  
«Right about what?» Iwaizumi's posture, as well as his look, betrayed how tense he was.  
«You're right to have noticed it.» Oikawa swallowed nervously before returning to look at Iwaizumi. «Before I tell you about that day, I wanted to let you know that I spoke to Hanamaki yesterday. He was worried about this situation, and he mentioned that there was some tension between you and Mattsun, and... well, he also told me things on Mattsun's behalf that I did not expect. About his feelings for me.»

Iwaizumi frowned at hearing Matsukawa's name, crossing his arms over his chest and scrutinizing Oikawa. If he had something to say, evidently he was choosing to keep it for himself, at least until the other had finished his explanation. However, he didn't seem at all surprised by Oikawa's words and it only served to confirm Hanamaki's version, according to which Iwaizumi had already figured out what was going on.

«He told me that you'd probably already realized it. And judging by your reaction, I'd say that he was right. But apart from that...» Oikawa sighed. «He didn't clearly say that Mattsun is in love with me. He only said that he feels something, that's all.»

Oikawa hadn't noticed that Iwaizumi had shifted his attention to the ground as he was talking, as if the latter was trying to hold back. More than once he parted his lips, then bit them promptly to avoid interrupting him. When he'd finished talking, however, he looked at Oikawa and sighed.  
«Yes, I had noticed,» he confirmed, leaning forward to rest his arms on his legs and slightly swinging with his heels. «It's hard not to notice when his gaze follows you everywhere.»

_I have to tell him._

«Why didn't you tell me?»

_I can't act like a coward forever._

«It wasn't important.»

_I can't keep hiding stuff from him._

«It is.»  
«Why, exactly?»  
«Because there's something I haven't told you,» Oikawa said softly, almost begging Iwaizumi with his eyes. The other tightened the grip on his own arms, closing his eyes briefly to stay calm and taking a deep breath.  
«Speak.» Iwaizumi's voice came out as a whisper, but not because he didn't want to be heard. It was a command, a tone of quiet authority that demanded a clear answer.  
«We kissed again. Mattsun and I.» Oikawa looked away when he noticed Iwaizumi's body stiffen. «I went to look for him, we argued about the game... and then it happened again. Like that time in the locker room.»

Iwaizumi still held his gaze to the ground, and because of that Oikawa couldn't see his sudden change of expression. He went from surprise to confusion, to anger, then settled on a cold stare that he turned to the other when he raised his head slightly to meet his eyes.

«You kissed him.» He swallowed and tightened his fists, so hard that his knuckles turned white. From how they were shaking it was easy to guess that he was probably hurting himself as well, yet there was no trace of pain or discomfort in his eyes, just nothing. A nothing directed to Oikawa, much more distressing than an outburst, because Oikawa was used to that. The hardest part was facing Iwaizumi's indifference, because he never knew what to expect.  
«Iwa-chan, I'm sorry. It was a moment of confusion, that's why I'm telling you!»

Iwaizumi raised a hand to his lips and looked away, his eyes widening slightly as Oikawa's words echoed in his mind, making the scene more vivid.  
«A moment of confusion,» he repeated in a whisper.  
«Yes.» Oikawa sighed heavily. «I wasn't planning for it to happen.»

It was a matter of seconds: Iwaizumi's eyes briefly met Oikawa's, before he picked up his bag and stood to walk away from his best friend without a word. Completely taken aback by that reaction, Oikawa sprung forward to grab his arm, his heart pounding, fearing the worst.

Iwaizumi turned to look at him, anger oozing from his every move. He smacked away Oikawa's hand, but stood where the other had blocked him.

«Don't make me say things I could regret, because right now that's what I might do.» Only after hissing this he gave him his back again, resuming his walk.

Oikawa didn't even realize when his fear turned into anger. He wanted Iwaizumi to get angry and scream at him like he always did, not to keep ignoring him even on that occasion. Perhaps if Oikawa had been more lucid he would have understood that that was not the case, but in that moment he only saw Iwaizumi attempting to escape, to run away once again from the confrontation.

«Then say them!!» Oikawa yelled, his shaking hands gripping the bag strap across his chest. «At least it would show that you care!!»

He realized too late what he'd said and how, but he didn't regret a single syllable. He saw Iwaizumi simply slow down the pace at first, then he stopped, as if what Oikawa had just said had finally sunk in. He continued to look in front of him, silent, even if the rigidity of his body spoke for him. Arms at his sides and hands clenched into fists with force showed anger and disbelief, confirmed by the glare he addressed Oikawa when he turned to face him.

«What did you say?» Iwaizumi had heard him well, but he couldn't believe it.  
«You heard me. Do you really care? Or are you just upset because your best friend could find someone more important than you?» Oikawa's look became suddenly more intense, while his harsh words acquired decision. «Do you really have that kind of feelings for me, Iwa-chan? Or did you just say you do so you could occupy the place that you can't accept anyone else to take?»

An even more confused expression appeared on Iwaizumi's face. Any desire to get away from the other faded away as he stepped closer to stand in front of Oikawa, face to face, so he could try to understand what he was implying.

«What the fuck are you talking about!?» he snapped, prey of a thousand thoughts and doubts that he could not categorize.  
«Why are you so jealous of Mattsun when before you didn't care if I was involved with one or ten girls? May I know what changed?!»  
«Because...!» His tone immediately became milder, but his eyes didn't lose the intensity with which he was observing Oikawa, and in spite of that moment of uncertainty, he spoke more firmly than ever. «Because before there was absolutely nothing between us, unlike now!»  
«There was nothing even when you saw us that day in the locker room,» hissed Oikawa. «You've never made a similar scene for anynone! Do you know that Makki swears that at my birthday party you gave him a murderous look when he and I kissed? What were you thinking?! You act like that and now it seems that you're almost ashamed of the fact that I have feelings for you!»  
«If I was ashamed of you, I would have stayed as far away as possibile from you, don't you think!?» He realized too late that he'd yelled.  
«Well, didn't you?» Retorted angrily Oikawa. «Or maybe you thought that acting as if I didn't say anything to you was better? Because you know, Iwa-chan, your attempts to avoid ending up in embarrassing situations with me have become ridiculous.»

Iwaizumi had to calm down and try to think with a cool head. He had to behave like a mature person and not like someone who had just heard that the boy who had confessed to him and was literally making him go crazy with that story had kissed someone else a few days before. And not just someone, but Matsukawa.

But how could he convince himself to stay calm when he felt his blood boil?

«You're seriously complaining about this!?» He dropped the bag at his feet, «You've known me since we were kids, you know exactly what kind of person I am and that this thing confuses me like nothing before, and now you attack me like this!?»

He knew he shouldn't have said the words that followed, but he was too angry, shocked and deeply disappointed by what Oikawa was saying to think clearly.

«Is that what Matsukawa put in your head!?»  
«He put nothing in my head!!» Oikawa spread his arms, not even trying to stay calm. «What are you trying to accuse him of, now? Does it bother you so much that unlike you he had the courage to act? Of course, you certainly wouldn't kiss me on the street in front of everyone!»

Neither of them spoke for a few seconds. Then Oikawa's eyes opened in realization, full of fear and desire to withdraw everything he had just said, while Iwaizumi seemed to reconnect something as his eyes darted towards Oikawa, pierced him like a knife.

«Is that the reason why you kissed me earlier? Because you wanted to test my reaction?» Even if he tried to maintain a calm tone of voice, those questions were coated with muted anger. Oikawa shook his head to deny it, but Iwaizumi stepped towards him until he was close enough to whisper and still be heard perfectly. «You accuse me of feeling nothing for you, but I'm not the one who confessed and then let someone else get his hands on me.»

Every word was freezing cold and penetrated Oikawa's mind like needles. He took the accusation, having no other choice, although his pride didn't let him keep quiet, pushing him to respond in kind.

«At least is it true that you like me that way, or did you just tell me just because you were jealous?»

Iwaizumi paused as he reflected on that question, and his gaze dropped; he had never shifted his focus from Oikawa until then, but it happened to coincide with his silence.  
Iwaizumi knew he felt something, and that it was probably that kind of feelings. Then why couldn't he put it into words? Was it because saying it aloud would make it too real?

In a moment Oikawa's expression changed. From angry it seemed to turn scared, or worse... resigned.

«Iwa-chan. Why did you say those things when I confessed to you if it wasn't what you really felt?»

Iwaizumi quickly looked up to find Oikawa's gaze.

«I didn't say that that's not what I feel,» he whispered, but his words sounded fake to himself as well. Yet he really believed it. When he'd felt that gushing feeling, with the other's heat close to him and his arms wrapped around his body, he'd known it was real. But now that Oikawa posed those questions, the doubts that he'd tried to cover up were returning to the surface, clouding his reason.  
  
It wouldn't have taken much, a simple _I really like you_ would have been enough to finally untangle that twisted situation in which they were stuck, but those were not the words that fell from Iwaizumi's lips.

«I don't know...»

He put a hand to his forehead and combed back his hair nervously, placing his other hand on his hip as those questions began to suffocate him again.

«I don't have the faintest idea what the fuck I have in my head!» snapped Iwaizumi. He looked everywhere, around him, in the distance, the ground, his bag. Everything except Oikawa. «It's the first time that I'm in such a situation with a guy and the fact that you're _the guy_ doesn't makes it any easier!»

«Maybe it's precisely because that guy is me, right, Iwa-chan?» Oikawa smiled, but it was a tight smile, tired of all the useless talk. «You said that you have no interest in boys, but suddenly you have interest in me right when I discover my preferences. I don't know what drove you to kiss me, and I don't understand. I swear, I don't understand you, Iwa-chan! And it's the first time since we were kids that this happened and it irritates me so much! I admit it, I started to question myself because of what happened with Mattsun. But even so... I couldn't find any answer.»

Oikawa sighed, trying to hide the tremble in his voice. He didn't want to show how that situation was hurting him, especially with Iwaizumi watching him in cold silence.  
Iwaizumi swallowed, and when he finally took a deep breath, those three simple words that he couldn't even elaborate, freed themselves spontaneously.

«Maybe you're right...»

Oikawa never knew what stopped him from doing something. He only clenched his fists near his hips and shook his head, looking down.

«I'm just sorry that I like my best friend and that I ruined everything, Iwa-chan.» He raised his hands and slipped them in his jacket pockets. «All of this wouldn't have happened if it hadn't been for me.»

«Hey.» Iwaizumi's harsh tone recaptured Oikawa's attention. He was glaring at him, his expression even more grim than usual. « _You ruined everything?_ What the fuck are you saying?! Do not jump to conclusions like you're the only one involved in this! You might be right about the fact that I have no idea of what I feel and that it's precisely because of you that I have all these doubts. I kissed you because I wanted it, so don't you dare take the blame for everything just because Matsukawa has filled your head with this bullshit!»  
«He didn't do anything like that, stop making this about him!!»  
«You said that you started having doubts because of what happened with Matsukawa! I'm not making this about him, I'm just repeating your own words!»  
«I didn't mean that he made me have doubts! Sooner or later it would have happened anyway, because you avoided talking to me!»  
«I'm not avoiding anything! This is me, this is how I behave! How many times do I have to tell you before it sticks into that empty head of yours!? If you don't like it, if it frustrates you so much, you can go to Matsukawa and fuck him, since you can't wait for it! Spead your legs for him if you want, I don't fucking care!!»

When he finished shouting he was short of breath, and the realization of what he'd just said made him lose a beat.

_I didn't want to say it, it's not what I meant, I don't really think that, I-_

He didn't even have the time to bash himself, before Oikawa's fist collided with his cheek.

«I know you don't care, there's no need to repeat it!!»

Iwaizumi almost fell to the ground, but managed to keep his balance. He instinctively put his hand to his mouth when he tasted blood, the liquid trickling over his lower lip. His eyes were fixed on Oikawa in an expression of genuine surprise, but as seconds ticked by he felt his muscles start quivering. Every unspoken word, all the anger he'd suppressed in those past few months, against Oikawa, against Matsukawa, even against himself for not being able to find a logical explanation for his own behavior, poured out in a scream as he returned the punch, making Oikawa stagger backwards a bit.

«Did you care for me while you were clinging to Matsukawa!? Did you ever think about how I'd feel!? Or were you so busy with him that you forgot about your feelings for me!? You're a hypocrite!!»  
«How you'd feel? I don't know, maybe jealous because your best friend wasn't depending on you anymore?!»

Iwaizumi didn't move, trying to regain his regular breathing.

«Disappointed,» he hissed, correcting Oikawa. «That's how I felt. Disappointed by the person I trusted most.»

Oikawa glared at him and spat some blood mixed with saliva on the ground. «Don't worry, I won't let you down anymore from now on.»

Iwaizumi seemed about to argue, but with all his strength he avoided it. He knew that another wrong word would have made the situation turn even worse, and certainly they couldn't afford to let themselves go all out in a public park at that hour. Someone would have stopped them, and in the worst case they could even call their parents, getting them in trouble.

«You were right from the very beginning.» It was a whisper, but still marked enough to arrive perfectly to Oikawa's ears. Iwaizumi wiped his lip with the back of his hand and grabbed his bag from the ground, throwing it over his shoulder. «What you do is not my business.»

«It isn't, so you can stop thinking about me,» Oikawa hissed like a poisonous snake. He put his hands in his pockets and, after giving the other a last angry look, he turned away. «I'm going home.»

That was all. Iwaizumi didn't try to stop him, didn't even open his mouth to have the last word. He let Oikawa go in silence, listening to his footsteps over the gravel, but did nothing about it. He didn't follow his best friend, despite having to do pretty much the same route to return home. Just like Oikawa, Iwaizumi was too proud for that. Instead, he waited for him to disappear from his sight before letting himself fall back on the swing, buring his face in his hands to hide the confusion and pain that took over him.

_What did I do?_


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Urgh, I'm soooo late! But I had to do everything on my own again and Pokemon and FF XV happened, have mercy ;_; -J

For Oikawa, the three weeks following his fight with Iwaizumi felt even longer and more exhausting than his last year of junior high, the year in which Kageyama Tobio had managed to make him lose his temper. This time, however, instead of rage and frustration, Oikawa was falling victim of an apathy that was alienating him from everything and everyone, driving him to train in every moment of the day, despite knowing that he should have put more effort into studying for his college entrance exam rather than focusing on volleyball – even if it was the only thing that helped him avoid thinking about what had happened.

Every day he woke up at dawn to go running, sometimes making use of the school gym and even joining the first and second years during their morning practice, not caring about being reprimanded by the coach for his superficial behavior. He was so focused on trying to forget his problems that he didn't realize how intense he'd become; everyone else had noticed, the younger club members were almost intimidated by Oikawa's presence, so much so that they were even afraid of meeting his gaze, which was becoming sharper and gloomier every day.

Ever since that night in the park, Oikawa and Iwaizumi had not spoken to each other. That fight had erased every aspect of their friendship, including playing volleyball together; they used to share everything, and now they acted like strangers who couldn't even raise a hand for a simple greeting.

Everything was shattered, and not only between the two of them. The harmony that existed between the third years' quartet seemed a distant memory, cracked by icy glances and unspoken words.

Oikawa perceived Iwaizumi's hatred towards Matsukawa, which the latter had accepted silently, without seeking any explanation from the other. After all, there was no need for it, not when the reason for that resentment was clear to everyone. Matsukawa was not stupid, but nevertheless, Oikawa still couldn't understand what was going through his head, what he really thought about their situation after all that had happened. He wasn't angry at Matsukawa, but he realized that something had made him start acting more elusive, as if he was afraid of approaching Oikawa the way they'd been doing lately. Aoba Johsai's captain had a bad feeling about that unusual attitude, a feeling that made him shiver when he crossed Matsukawa's intense gaze in the school hallways, followed by a strange emptiness inside caused by one of those meaningless greetings.

But if Iwaizumi and Oikawa's bond had deteriorated that much, the same could be said of Matsukawa and Hanamaki's. It wasn't clear why; perhaps it was the way Matsukawa had acted with Oikawa, or because Hanamaki had said something too much that day on the rooftop, but whatever the reason, they'd been ignoring each other as if they had nothing more to say.

Everyone around them was aware of the divide between the two childhood friends, but no one dared to say anything about it, not even Hanamaki, who despite his intention to keep himself away from trouble, had always worried for his friends.

Not that he hadn't tried, once. That was the evening when Hanamaki decided to permanently cut ties with Oikawa too.

 

_«I know you're stupid, but don't you think you're overdoing it with these training sessions? They're exhausting even for your standards.»_  
_«Don't worry, just go home.»_  
_«Oikawa, you know that-»_  
_«I know.»_  
_«You'll hurt yourself, why are you forcing me to remind you?»_  
_«I said go home! Leave me alone!!»_  
_«Do as you like, then! I'm sick and tired of your attitude, go to hell! Just break your fucking knee if you wish!»_

 

As days went by, Oikawa became a bundle of nerves. Despite his intensive training kept his mind occupied most of the time, at night he couldn't stop his mind from thinking back to what had happened, mulling over every word he'd said, and that Iwaizumi had said to him.

What he felt wasn't sadness, though. No, he was angry, furious. He didn't know if he was more angry at Iwaizumi, at himself, or both, but every time Iwaizumi's face appeared in his thoughts, he couldn't fight that burning in his chest that hurt like live coal upon his heart.

He loved him – maybe even more than he thought – and he couldn't stop this feeling from overwhelming him, even if he knew that in the long run it would have driven him mad.

Those were the thoughts he tried to drown every morning with his training, trying to forget that what he and Iwaizumi had was probably over forever.

\-----

«Tch.»

Oikawa served with such force that the ball bounced against the wall, the noise echoing in the empty gym. The silence was almost surreal, the darkness covering the campus like a heavy cape creating a strange atmosphere. As captain, he knew that Monday was the team's day off and that no one would disturb him, especially that late in the evening. His knee was starting to hurt again, as it had been doing for the past week or so, the pain manifesting and then disappearing again, but he didn't pay attention to it. He preferred to endure the discomfort rather than to stop, not wanting to let his tormenting thoughts take over again.

_Focus._

_Forget about it._

_It's just you and the ball._

_There's nothing else._

Only after what seemed like an hour, a stronger twinge threw him off balance, almost causing him to fall to the ground. Oikawa swore under his breath and, wobbling, reached the ball rack to lean against it with both arms and catch his breath. Sweat dripped from his temples to his neck, soaking the collar of his turquoise shirt and the disheveled bangs that fell over his eyes.

«There are simpler and faster ways to injure yourself permanently and sabotage your future opportunities to play volleyball, you know, Tooru?»

Oikawa glanced towards the source of that voice – his attention mainly captured by the use of his given name – and saw Matsukawa; he was leaning against the doorway with his arms folded, watching him with the same calm that coated his voice. He didn't look angry or worried, as opposed to all those people who had spoken to Oikawa the past few weeks.

«I didn't think you were masochistic enough to choose the slower and more painful way.»

Oikawa wondered how long Matsukawa had been standing there, watching him train. As far as he knew, there was no other reason for the other to stay in school so late, so he guessed it must have been a while. And if that was true, he also knew that he couldn't pretend that his knee was okay; he tried to anyway, placing his foot on the ground as if to show that he was fine, ignoring the stab of pain when he shifted his weight on his right leg.

«It's just momentary. It will pass.»  
«You can fool the first years, not me.» Matsukawa took off his shoes and stepped into the gym, leaving his bag and white blazer at the entrance to approach Oikawa with his hands in the pockets of his school uniform pants. «We've been playing together for three years and I spent the last few months observing you rather than the ball. Were you not aware of it?»  
«It would explain a lot.» Oikawa didn't seem at all surprised by that confession. He carefully avoided responding to Matsukawa's main provocation, shrugging with a sigh. «Since you're here, help me with these.»

Matsukawa frowned at the request, but reluctantly complied and picked up two balls from the floor to put them back in the rack, before he leaned closer to observe Oikawa.

«Can you stand?» It sounded like a disinterested question, but when those eyes went down to his knee, Oikawa clearly perceived interest in his condition.  
«More or less. Tomorrow I'll be as good as new,» the captain said absently, pushing the rack with uncertainty. «I think I just misstepped while serving, that's all.»

He didn't expect Matsukawa to put a hand on his shoulder and make him turn abruptly. Words were not necessary, because his gaze was more than exhaustive, so much that Oikawa let go of the rack without question, letting Matsukawa push it into place in the storage room. Oikawa couldn't do anything but stay in place and watch him carefully, letting out a long sigh and crossing his arms over his chest. He felt irritated and didn't even know why, but maybe it was just because that kind of protective behaviour reminded him of Iwaizumi.

No, he couldn't think about that. Absolutely not.

Matsukawa closed the storage room behind him and wiped his hands on his pants – more out of habit, since the team cleaned every centimeter of the gym and tools almost daily – before he approached Oikawa again to look him straight in the eye, momentarily enjoying that intensity. Then a smile appeared on his lips as he surpassed his teammates to go to sit on the sideline, leaning with his back against the wall.

«If looks could kill, you'd be a serial killer.»  
«Oh? Really?» Oikawa turned towards his friend with an annoyed expression, before joining him to sit beside him. He picked up his towel to dab the sweat on his face, taking the opportunity to extend his leg, in a gesture that he hoped looked casual and not the consequence of the pain that was troubling him.

«It's my face, it's not like I change it!»  
«Is that so? 'Cause if you ask me, it looked like you could incinerate someone.» Matsukawa laughed. He brought his legs close to his chest and propped his arms over them, leaning his head against the wall to observe the court in front of them; it was so empty and quiet that it seemed a hundred times larger than when they were playing. Somehow, he had the feeling that Oikawa was thinking the same thing. He didn't need to look at him to know that his gaze was fixed on the space enclosed by a white line that meant so much for him, not after the years they'd spent together and the last few days he'd spent watching him – he hadn't been joking when he'd confessed that. Matsukawa already knew everything about his features, could recognize every change of expression, every gesture and even his every habit and thought pattern.

Matsukawa slightly pursed his lips, hesitating for a moment about what he wanted to say. He knew that Oikawa was in no mood to talk – just like he'd been every day lately, after all – but he sighed and looked at him with the corner of his eye.

«You've been in these conditions for almost a month.»  
«My conditions are more than okay,» retorted Oikawa with an icy tone, rubbing his knee.  
«You're all but okay. You can do anything you want, as far as I'm concerned, but at least don't treat the few friends you have left like they're idiots, because by now everyone has figured out that there's something wrong with you.»  
«That's my business.»

Oikawa almost winced when he felt Matsukawa's grip on his wrist. Their eyes met and the grip tightened, leaving Oikawa unable to react for a moment.

«It's also my business if it's something that's destroying you.»  
«Let go of me.»  
«Give me a good reason to, since knowing you the first thing you'll do is make up another excuse.»  
«What the hell do you want, Mattsun?» Oikawa glared at him, although his voice was just a sharp whisper. «I don't need a new babysitter.»

Matsukawa pulled back his hand and returned to lean against his knees, his full attention focused on Oikawa. He was looking for something in those eyes, something beyond the anger and the apparent confidence that his captain wanted to show. He had noticed it during practice, during lunch breaks, as well that evening when by chance Matsukawa had stopped by the gym to see who was left, ending up observing Oikawa for at least an hour; he'd noticed that there was _something_ in every serve, in every bead of sweat, in every irritated glance and in every quiver of his body. He had tried to ignore it, to let Oikawa cool off on his own because it was the right thing to do, but he had reached a point where he simply couldn't turn away and leave, ignoring that emotional turmoil in front of him that he'd evidently underestimated.

«I'd rather do an extra four-hours training session than be your babysitter. No, Tooru, I'm just tired of seeing you self-destruct for someone who abandoned you.»

Oikawa winced and his eyes widened. He hadn't expected Matsukawa to say something so direct against Iwaizumi. As he looked away, his lips nervously pressed into a thin line, he wondered what Matsukawa was thinking, what had driven him to start calling him by his first name and to finally take such a firm stand so suddenly.

«I don't want to talk about it,» said Oikawa annoyed, trying to stand up, but still not succeeding. Matsukawa had again grabbed him by the wrist and forced him to sit, staring at him with his inscrutable eyes.  
«Don't even think about it, I won't let you go away like that.»  
«Mattsun, enough is enough.»  
«I already told you,» he whispered, impassively. Oikawa muttered something under his breath, but that heavy look somehow managed to convince him that Matsukawa wouldn't have let him leave anytime soon.

«You're so damn insistent.»

Matsukawa didn't answer. He only smiled, satisfied with Oikawa's surrender and freeing him again from his grip. Oikawa took the opportunity to pull away his arm and didn't hide the irritation that that situation was causing him. He hated being treated like someone who desperately needed help.

«Did you come here to tell me to not overdo it, too? Because I won't follow the advice.»  
«I'll be honest, I don't care much about that.» Matsukawa shrugged and crossed his legs. He didn't even look at Oikawa now that he had convinced him to stay. «Don't get me wrong, I care about your health and if I could I'd kick your ass to take you away from here. But if this is the way you chose to vent, it's not in my rights to stop you. Everyone expresses their feelings differently, who am I to decide how you should do it? I think you're smart enough to figure out your limits, and I think when you'll feel satisfied you'll stop.»  
«So why are you here?» It was obvious that the reason revolved around the recent events, and sincerely Oikawa felt ready for everything, except for having to talk about that. However, the answer he received was completely different from what he expected.  
«Because I'm trying to take advantage of the moments when you're alone to stay with you.» A grin opened on Matsukawa's lips, but he kept talking with absolute calm. «And because having some company is always better than being alone. Even silence is pleasant if you know that there's still someone by your side, you just need to know how to accept these people, though lately you've been trying in every possible way to keep them away. Right, Tooru?»

Again Matsukawa had called him by his first name. Oikawa narrowed his eyes, before sighing and leaning against the wall, with their shoulders that were almost touching. He tilted his head back to stare at the ceiling distractedly, confused again by words he could barely consider.

«You're more stupid than I thought you know?»

Matsukawa didn't speak, knowing that nothing he could say would have sounded right in that moment. They could have ended up staying there in silence for who knows how long, but Matsukawa would have been okay with that too.

«Mattsun,» Oikawa muttered. «Seriously, are you just here to keep me company? Excuse me for saying so, but I find it hard to believe.»  
«Yes and no,» he whispered cryptically.  
«And maybe the reason has to do with the fact that you're calling me by my first name?»  
«Does it bother you?»  
«No, but-» Oikawa sighed, shaking his head. «It doesn't bother me.»  
«Good.» A hint of a smile enlightened Matsukawa's face. «Because I didn't want to stop doing it anyway.»  
«So you don't want to stop, but you don't want to tell me why either?» Oikawa frowned.

Matsukawa's crystalline expression didn't betray even a shred of uncertainty or doubt. Everything about him exuded calm and tranquility as he stared at the gym in front of him.

«Well, I think that we're long past these formalities, don't you think? I don't see why I couldn't call you by your name.»  
«Do as you wish,» Oikawa conceded, surrendering to the fact that Matsukawa would never explain the reasons behind that sudden decision. To tell the truth, it had caught him completely off guard, especially if he thought back to the time when Matsukawa seemed to have taken a certain distance from him.

_Maybe he wants to suddenly fill that distance?_

«Hey, Tooru.»

Oikawa turned toward him, studying him as if trying to understand his intentions.

«I can only imagine what you're going through, and I have no intention of telling you how to cope with the situation. I'm not a fool, I would never try to give advice to someone who, I'm sure, would have no interest in listening to it.» His eyes were always fixed straight ahead, but he turned slowly to meet Oikawa's gaze when he spoke again. «I just want to tell you that I'm not going to apologize for kissing you, even if that was the cause that triggered everything.»  
After what seemed like an eternity, Oikawa whispered in response, «It's not just because of that. It's not your fault.»

But if Matsukawa had to be completely honest, he had never believed that it was, not even once – however selfish that thought might be. He understood that what happened between them was the reason for all their latest arguments, but he didn't feel guilty about that, at least not entirely. He had kissed Oikawa because the feeling was mutual, but he knew he couldn't say that, though, certainly not at such a time.

«If it was just because of that kiss he would have come to make me pay, that's the kind of person Iwaizumi is. If he didn't, it means that there's more.»  
«We insulted and punched each other, what else should there be?» Oikawa sighed. «It's because I'm an idiot.»

This time Matsukawa brought his focus on his friend, studying his face for any signs of the dispute. Not that there might have been after weeks, but he was doing it instinctively.

«And why should you be the idiot and not him?» A naive question, only driven by his curiosity.  
«Never mind.» Oikawa snorted a sad smile. «The damage is already done, after all.»  
«Hey.» Matsukawa turned and leaned his shoulder against the wall, so that he could look his captain directly in the eyes. «Like I said, I can only imagine what you're going through, but believe me when I say that keeping everything locked up inside only makes it worse. You will come to a point where you won't know how to act, and everything, even the simplest thing, will bring you even more frustration, because you won't be able to set aside that feeling of anger and dissatisfaction that you have inside.»

His voice was still low, but in the silence of the gym – and especially in a situation like that – it sounded as loud as a yell. His eyes never left Oikawa's, not even for a moment, his gaze so intense that he couldn't see anything outside of that dark hazel.

«I don't want to scold you, nor it's my job to tell you what you should do, but I want you to know that I certainly won't be the one to judge you, since I'm the last person who could do such a thing.»

Those words stung like needles into Oikawa's skin. For a moment he closed his eyes and clenched his fists, his face twisting into a disappointed grimace.

Why was he feeling like he was choking?

«I would punch him again if I had the chance!» hissed Oikawa. «It's my fault, I know, but it's stronger than me!»

Matsukawa tilted his head slightly to look at that expression full of anger, as Oikawa let out a bitter laugh.

«He never felt anything serious for me, that's all. He was just confused.»  
«Considering how he acted with us, I find that hard to believe. And you kissed, right? Why would he do that, then?» Matsukawa asked, not at all convinced by that simple explanation. He furrowed his eyebrows and gave Oikawa a perplexed look, noticing how the latter seemed to be on the brink of saying a thousand things all together, but not managing to actually voice them.

«He was jealous of his best friend. Nothing more.»  
«Tooru, someone who's jealous of a _friend_ wouldn't do all that because of a kiss.»

It was weird to see Matsukawa take Iwaizumi's side, but they have been friends for the past three years after all, and at that moment Oikawa seemed anything but able to think rationally about the matter.

«But he didn't deny it, and he didn't even bother to apologize.» Oikawa looked away. He felt an odd burning down his throat, while his voice grew more and more resentful. «He only had to say it. He had to say it, damn it!»

Even if it was an uncalled thought, Matsukawa couldn't help but wonder when he'd become so good at spotting the subtle nuances in Oikawa's mood fluctuations. When did he start noticing the changes in his voice, those little gestures and movements that probably not even the other was aware of? It had become a habit to observe him from afar, always and only from afar, because Iwaizumi had always by his side. Then the kiss had happened, all that ruckus; he had fought against the irrepressible desire to be around him, even though he knew perfectly well that what Oikawa needed was to be alone.

But now everything was different. Matsukawa was there, he was the one Oikawa was confiding to, the one close to his wounded captain. For this he slid his hand behind Oikawa's shoulders and then on his nape, drawing him closer to bury his own face in those hair and enjoy the moment that had been granted to him.

«He could have you and he's not even aware of how lucky he is.»

That whisper was soft, but reached Oikawa's ears perfectly. However, he didn't react immediately; he only indulged in a long sigh, trying to loosen the knot in his throat even if it stung, even if it was _awful _. He didn't want to cry, didn't want to show that side of himself that he'd always tried to hide from everyone else. Crying in front of his teammates for good reasons was okay, but letting himself be vulnerable, overwhelmed, wounded... he just couldn't do that.__

«I hate feeling like this.»  
«But it's normal. It's normal to feel hurt when a person you care about leaves you, when you feel powerless in front of the course of events. You feel a tremendous rage when you try to grasp that bit of hope you have left, but it slips away from your hands and all you can do is watch it vanish.» His voice was like water that flowed slow, almost peaceful. «And it's the most natural thing in the world to want to vent, you know, Tooru?»

He was also talking about himself, Oikawa had not missed that detail in those whispered words covered by a placid smile. Yet, as much as Oikawa tried, he couldn't feel better. He clenched his fists in front of him until his nails dug into his palms and his knuckles turned white. He was shaking, but only when he noticed that his sight was becoming blurry he tried to get rid of the other's grip and stand up. He didn't want to cry in front of someone, but again, Matsukawa prevent him from escaping, pulling him closer to embrace his shoulders with both arms and letting him hide his face in the crook of his neck.

«Forget it, I already told you that I won't let you run away like that.»

Oikawa was about to punch him in the chest, but his fist trembled in the air and he ended up leaning against the boy who was holding him.

_Why is everything so difficult?_

He tried to say something, but his voice was broken, torn by the need to cry. He bit his lip, cursing, because the situation was destroying him.

But above all, because he wasn't able to hide it.

At this point Matsukawa knew that there was nothing to say, and he just tightened his grip on Oikawa, waiting for what he knew was about to happen. His fears were confirmed when Oikawa's hand clung more and more strongly to his sweater, contrasting with Matsukawa's gentle touch, which went down to his nape and then up again in a slow gesture.

«I hate that bastard... I hate him...» Oikawa's voice quivered, and for a moment he tried to convince himself that Matsukawa would really believed him.

Ironically, at that moment he recalled the words he had said to Hanamaki, about the fact that he would have never talked to Iwaizumi first, that he would have never knelt at his feet in the name of what he felt for him.

He'd been so wrong.

His feelings were so strong that he was about to cry because of his childhood friend.

_Pathetic._

«You liar, you would die for him.»  
«Shut up,» murmured Oikawa, weakly hitting his chest. «Don't say it.»

Matsukawa could have taken advantage of the moment... but Iwaizumi was his friend, and he still couldn't do that, despite everything. He sighed and touched his lips to Oikawa's temple in a light kiss, hugging him tightly.

«If that's what you want, I won't say it.»

His lazy eyes were fixed on a spot in front of him, but they widened slightly as Oikawa's arms rose to tighten around his shoulders, that sad expression now hidden in the crook of Matsukawa's neck. He could hear every gasp and sigh as his teammates held back with all his strength from crying, his hands shaking on the sweater before grasping it even harder than before. And even if he hated to see Oikawa so weak, something inside him couldn't help but admire how even someone who was always smiling and ready to provoke, could externalize his feelings that way, though he couldn't understand that foolish pride of his that kept him from really letting go.

He was sure of one thing: he hated Iwaizumi for how easily he'd managed to put an end to everything.

«Mattsun.» It was a faint whisper, before Oikawa pulled back with a hiccup, showing moist eyes brimming with unshed tears. He couldn't make eye contact with Matsukawa, ashamed of his conditions. «There's no need for you to stay here. It's humiliating.»  
«I'll stay here until you need me to.»  
«Y-You're annoying, you know that?!» he snapped, trying to avert his eyes. But again, Matsukawa stopped him, framing his face with his hands to prevent him from turning away, so that their gaze could cross. His lips curled in a small smile.  
«I know.» It was a simple answer, surrounded by quiet laughter.  
«You're awful. Irritating. All you ever do is look disinterested. You- You are-» Oikawa take another deep breath, trying in vain to hide his mood. «You're just an idiot!»

Matsukawa touched his forehead to Oikawa's and for a second his smile disappeared. Only a moment, as if those words had breached through him and cracked his composure.

«I must really be an idiot if I'm still pursuing you despite knowing well that you won't bring me anything good.»  
«Because you're stupid,» repeated Oikawa. «And I am too, even more than you are.»  
«Well, a stupid fool who calls someone else stupid can't really be taken seriously, you know?» Matsukawa grinned.  
«I'm the exception and I'm telling you that you're stupid! You're stupid, Mattsun!»

Matsukawa encircled his friend's shoulders with both arms and pulled him close, to keep from laughing at the other's comical display of anger and... well, because he wanted to.

«Okay, okay. I'm stupid.»  
«You are,» continued Oikawa. «You are...»  
«Okay, there's no need to repeat it.»

Oikawa just shook his head and returned to hug Matsukawa, who sighed and looked up at the ceiling to reflect on how that situation was becoming increasingly unmanageable. If he had known how it would have ended, he would have certainly told Oikawa what he really felt much earlier, even if it might not have changed much. Oikawa would still have realized that he was in love with Iwaizumi and Matsukawa would have been in his place. Not in tears, of course, but surely he would have been the one getting dumped, a thought that made him grimace while he slowly stroked Oikawa's neck. It was in that moment that Oikawa pulled away again from him and swallowed. Maybe in his mind he had decided to really calm down, because suddenly his heavy sighs had become slower breaths, even if his eyes were still red.

Matsukawa looked at him, then pursed his lips slightly.

«Look, if you want to cry, you can do it. You don't have to prove anything to me.»  
«You have seen enough,» retorted Oikawa. «And stop staring at me!»  
«Like this, captain?» Matsukawa closed his eyes, chuckling.

Oikawa stared at him for a few moments while he wiped his wet eyes with the collar of his shirt. He chewed the inside of his cheek and hit Matsukawa's forehead lightly, shaking his head. Matsukawa's grin melted into a quiet smile as he opened his eyes to meet Oikawa's, and it was as if the heaviness around them had disappeared, replaced by a pleasant calm.

«What, you told me not to stare.»  
«See, you're stupid.» Oikawa put on his usual pout, but then snorted a resigned smile, indulging in what seemed like a light giggle.

Seeing him laugh like that, Matsukawa decided that if he could stand alongside Oikawa like he was doing, he would have definitely accepted to be called a stupid, but he thought it best to keep that comment to himself.

«You finally smiled,» he whispered.  
«Mh?»

Matsukawa reached out to caress Oikawa's cheek and smiled too, leaving aside his usual grin he'd always used to tease.

«For three weeks all you've done has been training with that grim look on your face, people almost run away from you in the hallways. After all this time, I was wondering when you'd smile again.»  
«Am I really that scary?» Oikawa arched an eyebrow, before letting out a long sigh. «No, I know you're right. It's just-»  
«You don't have to justify yourself. I'm not going to tell you whether you were right or wrong.» Matsukawa spoke quietly, but didn't look at Oikawa directly. His attention was focused on his own hand and followed its calming movements, as if it was moving by itself. «I just hope that you're feeling a bit better.»  
«Maybe.» Oikawa averted his gaze again, almost like he was afraid that Matsukawa could see beyond the mask of pride he usually wore.  
«So fickle. Your famous mood swings are showing!» Matsukawa chuckled slyly, recapturing Oikawa's attention in an instant.  
«I'm not fickle, it's the situation that's absurd!!»  
«I know.»

Matsukawa hesitated a moment before lowering his hand and standing up, stretching his legs a bit. He didn't know what time it was, but he was sure that by then it must have been pretty late.

«I know,» he repeated, this time with a sigh, putting his hands in his pants pockets and staring at a spot in front of him. «It seems like it's been ages since your birthday party, yet it was only a few months ago. In such a short time, all hell broke loose.»  
«Don't remind me.» Oikawa ruffled his hair and tried to pull himself to his feet, careful not to put too much weight on his right knee. This time, when Matsukawa reached out to help him stand more easily, he finally let him. As soon as he was steady on his feet, Matsukawa pulled him closer, encircling his waist with one arm and lacing his fingers through his hair with the other hand, squeezing him in that embrace. His breathing was quiet, but the grip strong, almost like he was afraid Oikawa could get away from him at any moment.

«I don't want to see you like that again. Never again.»

Oikawa stiffened at first, but then sighed and returned the embrace, nodding silently – after all, he'd kind of been expecting such a thing. They remained motionless until Matsukawa decided to loosen his grip and met Oikawa's eyes, a faint smile on his face that for a moment saddened, as if he were making a huge effort to let go of the boy in front of him. Only then he started to leave, turning away to head towards the gym entrance in absolute silence.

«Mattsun!»

That voice instantly made him stop and whip around. Oikawa didn't even know why he had called him back, he'd just meant to say a simple "thank you" before letting him go, but now their eyes were locked and he didn't want to look away. That wasn't a compromising situation, they were not arguing or hiding from other people; it was only the two of them, mesmerized by each other's presence and unable to think about anything else. When Matsukawa slowly retraced his steps, reaching his captain to cup his face in his hands and kiss those lips he craved, Oikawa really wanted to melt in that contact, to erase everything like he had always done with Matsukawa, but this time there was something holding him back. Perhaps he was confused, or perhaps it was the idea of Iwaizumi that he couldn't set aside, but whatever the cause, it made him gently push Matsukawa away, who, however, didn't seem surprised by the gesture. He probably had expected such a reaction, but still couldn't suppress a sigh as he slid his hands along his sides.

«Sorry,» murmured softly Oikawa, looking away. «I-»

«What?»

Oikawa shook his head.

«I don't know.» He raised his eyes on Matsukawa, looking at him in silence for a few seconds before speaking again. «I just don't have the strength to think right now.»  
«No one's forcing you to do it. In fact, no one's forcing you to do anything.» A hint of a smile graced Matsukawa's lips, who then suppressed a nervous laugh. «Let's face it. I wish I was able to be the bigger person, to tell you that everything will be fine and that you'll understand how to overcome this situation, but at the same time I can't hide that a small part of me is glad for this turn of events. You asked me why I'm here, but you actually know that well, Tooru. I know you talked to Hanamaki and I know he told you what I feel for you, and I can no longer pretend that your separation from Iwaizumi makes me sad.»

Oikawa huffed a tired smile, almost as if Matsukawa had said something obvious.

«Of course it doesn't make you sad.»  
«Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that I'm happy to see you so frustrated. The only reason that prompted me to stay away from you was the idea that being with Iwaizumi was all you really wanted, but after what happened between us, let me say that I don't have that certainty anymore.» Matsukawa took another a step forward to approach Oikawa, but didn't even try to touch him. Instead he watched him, maybe for too long. He could stare at Oikawa and listen to him for hours, studying his features, his face, his lips, now finally free of that pout that had been plaguing them for weeks, and despite everything he'd never have enough.

By now, he was sure of that.

«If you were my boyfriend, everything would be different.»

Oikawa stared so intently that he realized it might have seemed... weird. For a moment he thought he had heard wrong; he had to replay those words in his head a few times, before looking away with a strange grin on his lips.

«Mattsun, straight to the point, huh? What is this, a proposal?»  
«Just an observation. I have no doubts about what I feel for you, or about the fact that I'm attracted to you... and not just physically. And at this point, I'm sure that the feeling is mutual.»

Oikawa wanted to tell him how irritating he sounded, but the only thing that actually irritated him was the fact that Matsukawa had already figured out what was going on in his mind.

«So you're really asking me to become your boyfriend?»  
«After what happened lately? Of course not! I know what your answer would be.» Slowly, as if he was afraid that Oikawa would again reject him, Matsukawa reached out and touched his cheek, making him raise his face and meet his eyes. «I won't ask you to forget Iwaizumi so suddenly, because as much as you want to hide it, I know how important he is to you and how hard it is for you to act normally with him. I understand that he's the person who knows you the most, but I wouldn't mind having a chance. If you're not satisfied we can go back to normal, just like the last time. I certainly won't blame you for it.»

Oikawa hated to admit it, but Matsukawa was right. As much as he wanted to stop thinking about Iwaizumi, his mind always went back to him and to that painful feeling. Yet, in that moment, he knew that his best friend wasn't the only one occupying his thoughts.

He sighed and shook his head.

«Didn't you say you're not the type to fall in love?»  
«I also used to say that Iwaizumi had to be a saint to put up with you, and here I am trying to take you away from him.»  
«I hate you,» Oikawa murmured – not that he really meant it, of course. «You and your damn attitude, Mattsun.»

Matsukawa let out an amused snort, but he didn't seem willing to respond to that provocation. He was too busy studying Oikawa to even think of bickering over something so small, even if as a joke. How could he, when those limpid eyes were watching him so intensely, when he felt drawn to him in a million different ways? He wanted to touch him, to caress every centimeter of his body, to kiss that mouth and erase the hard lines of worry and pain caused by the thought of Iwaizumi. He wanted to experience again the passion that sparked between them whenever they were alone, the same one that had been drawing them to each other ever since their first kiss. He wanted to feel that body against his own, letting Oikawa know that he was there, willing to stay, and that he didn't have to think about anything else.

«What can I do... » He wanted him, and that's why he restrained himself. He bit his lower lip and moved away from Oikawa, taking a deep breath before looking away and stepping back. «It's not my fault if I'm so good at reading you like an open boo-»

«I'll think about it.»

Matsukawa's eyes widened in surprise and he couldn't suppress an amused smile.

«Don't you think it's a bit early to say that, considering what happened with Iwaizumi? At this point, someone might think that you only need to have someone by your side, anyone, regardless of your feelings for them.»

Oikawa's gaze darted instantly in search of Matsukawa's. It was as if he had been stung by his words, even though he knew it wasn't all true. And yet...

«I only said that I will think about it. And Iwa-chan is the last person I want to talk about right now.»

Matsukawa sharpened his eyes on Oikawa, pondering whether to listen to his own instincts or to his rational mind, but in the end he decided to give in. At a time like that, with his feelings at stake and no longer hidden behind subtle lies, he couldn't help but get involved; without the fear that had been holding him back before, he approached Oikawa and cupped his face with both hands, leaning to whisper on his lips, «Hearing you say that you'll think about it is more than I could expect,» before kissing him.

Oikawa didn't deepen the contact. He was content with that soft kiss, a lot chaster than the ones they used to exchange, reflecting passively on what Matsukawa had just said. The moment the kiss ended, a strange smile curved his lips.

«If it's true that you can read me like an open book, then you shouldn't be surprised.»  
«The fact that I understand what goes through your head, doesn't mean that I can also predict how you're going to act. You're far too unpredictable from this point of view.» Matsukawa touched Oikawa's lower lip with his thumb before kissing him again, even more calmly than before.

Oikawa still couldn't understand how kissing Matsukawa made him feel that way. He felt light, at ease, as if he had no problems and nothing to think about except for that contact, which was making his heart beat faster in his chest. He didn't care that the gym was still open and that anyone could have seen them; as he raised his arms to embrace Matsukawa's shoulders and take the lead of the kiss, Oikawa didn't really care about anything. It was weird, even as he felt Matsukawa's hands slide down his hips, not feeling the burning need to have more that had always accompanied any moment of intimacy between the two, used as they were to totally let go when they were together. For the first time, a kiss was enough to fulfill their needs.

«Sorry if I pushed you away earlier,» Oikawa barely muttered, catching his breath without moving his arms from around Matsukawa's neck. «It's complicated.»  
«I'd worry if it was easy for you to set your feelings aside and turn the page so fast.»  
«Well, I like you a lot, Mattsun.» A barely audible whisper, hidden by that embrace. «That's why I said I have to think about your proposal. And I will.»  
«Don't say such things so easily.» His hand went to intertwine in the captain's hair, while his other arm encircled Oikawa's waist to keep him as close as possible. His tone of voice was calm, but his words sounded more skeptical than Matsukawa meant them to. «No one forces us to label what we're doing, I think I've already told you something like that. I don't want an _"I like you"_ that's going to be shattered by the doubts you still have. I'm glad that you want to think about it, but words are easily forgotten. I'd rather wait for the moment when you'll understand if what you're saying is really what you feel and you'll prove it to me, Tooru. Until that day, I will settle for believing that there will be a chance to make you see who really can give you what you need.»  
«Mattsun...» Oikawa sighed deeply, moving away to look in the other's eyes. He immediately felt agitated, but not in bad way, even if it was a feeling that he couldn't understand. He shook his head, chuckling. «You must really be an idiot if you think I would have given you permission to kiss me if I didn't really like you. And by the way, where were you hiding all those pretty words?»

Matsukawa frowned, looking almost astonished by that question, but immediately dismissed the surprise to make room for genuine and amused disbelief.

«Are you insinuating that I usually don't know how to use the right words with you? Believe me when I tell you that you're dead wrong, I could make you blush with ease. It could even become my new hobby.»  
«Do you think it's so easy to embarrass me?» Oikawa asked, amused.  
«I think I could embarrass you in a million different ways.» Matsukawa's lips parted in a predatory grin, his attention not leaving even for a moment those hazel eyes that were watching him. Only when he bent down to whisper in Oikawa's ear he interrupted their eye contact, inadvertently tightening his grip. «I already did that many times, but I could do even better if we... well. Let's say I could make your confidence waver in just a few minutes, Tooru.»

Oikawa swallowed, almost as if those words were an implicit proposal.

«How can you be so sure?»  
«Your voice is far too honest in those moments.»

Or maybe it was the thought of what those words entailed, the mental image that for a moment filled his head.

«We could always try.»

Matsukawa stared at him for a long time, in silence. It was almost as if he was testing the waters, trying to understand if Oikawa had been serious or if he'd been carried away by the moment and would regret those words.

«Tooru...» He swallowed and let out a sigh, far too long and heavy for a person who until then had been dealing with the situation so calmly. «Don't joke about this, please.»

Oikawa shivered, startled for a moment by the tone of Matsukawa's whisper.

«Why?»

He knew perfectly well why. What he didn't know was why he was once again instigating Matsukawa so much.

«Because I'm really trying with all my might to control myself every time that you, willingly or not, try to bring out this side of me. You know how to provoke me, I can't hide it, and I really don't mind, I like it after all. However, Tooru...» Matsukawa sighed again, meeting Oikawa's attentive stare with a heated glance. «I really would like to go further with you. I want you, in every way. It's no longer just a game for me.»

Yet Matsukawa certainly didn't want to go back on his words, ruining everything with a sudden and instinctive gesture. He had already said enough and he was starting to regret it.

«I shouldn't have said these things to you. I'm sorry, forget everything.»

He knew he had to leave before falling prey to his instinct. That's why he let Oikawa go, taking a few steps back to get away from him and turning around to head in the direction of the exit of the gym. But Oikawa's head wasn't as clear as Matsukawa's, filled with the memory of the accusations that Iwaizumi had addressed to him that night and clouded by the anger he'd felt when he'd heard those words.

_«You can go to Matsukawa and fuck him, since you can't wait for it! Spread your legs for him if you want, I don't fucking care!!»_

He took a deep breath and clenched his fists, staring at Matsukawa's back as he slowly walked away.

_What should I do?_

_Is it the right thing to do?_

_I could regret it so much, but..._

_What will Iwa-chan think of me?_

There were so many things he wanted that at the same time he was afraid of. However, when he took a step forward, his mind was instantly freed from doubt, only filled with a sense of pride that was telling him not to care about those stupid fears.

_Iwa-chan can go fuck himself._

He surpassed Matsukawa when he was almost on the threshold, reaching the door of the gym before him to slam it shut. He didn't even give Matsukawa the time to understand what was going on, because a moment later one of Oikawa's hands was clasped on those dark hair, the other gripping his sweater, pulling him closer for a heated and passionate kiss that stole their breaths away.

«Did you say that it's no longer just a game for you? Well, it's not a game for me either.»

Oikawa was almost panting, his fists clenched with the same confidence that was overflowing from his eyes.

Maybe it wasn't the right thing to do, maybe it was a big mistake, but...

«I want to do it with you, Issei.»

_I don't care anymore._


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Overwatch, Kingdom Hearts 2.8 and Tales of Berseria happened this month. Goodbye free time!! -Amalie

Even without looking, Oikawa could feel Matsukawa walking in front of him, their footsteps booming on a street he had never taken, until then, to walk back home. Footsteps as heavy as boulders, as heavy as the meaning behind the decision that Oikawa had just taken in the gym, and that neither of them had yet dared to argue. The silence that had suddenly fallen between the two, full of doubts and insecurities, suffocated any word.

He'd been honest saying that he wanted to take that step with Matsukawa, it was a way as any to stir things up and finally make a breakthrough in the stand-off in which Oikawa had found himself. Yet, he couldn't figure out if it was just a rush decision caused by what had happened with Iwaizumi or something he really wanted. His feelings were so confused that even thinking about them for hours wouldn't have been enough.

What would have happened if he hadn't fallen in love with his best friend? Would Matsukawa still have flirted with him? If so, would he have had the courage to reject him? Or would he have agreed to get into a relationship with him, since he wouldn't have been afraid of disappointing Iwaizumi? Everything would have been different, and perhaps better... Or worse. Who knows.

The only certainty was that something had to be done, even if it was a mistake. And if he had to choose his instinct over his rationality, then, that he would do. He wanted to believe that in a maelstrom of ifs and buts, of questions that overlapped and that were driving him crazy, he could find an answer to that unknown abyss that frightened him so much.

Oikawa didn't realize that Matsukawa had stopped until he bumped into his back. The captain looked up and crossed the other's gaze, only then noticing the phone in his hand. Lost as he was in his thoughts, he hadn't even heard it ring.

«Alright, so I won't wait up for you. Okay, have fun.» Matsukawa spoke vaguely, because his full attention was now on Oikawa. He watched him with a worried frown.

Oikawa shook his head slowly and shrugged, as if to say that everything was fine – one of the worst lies he'd ever said.

Suddenly, realization struck him out of the blue like a lightning bolt. Seeing Matsukawa nod as he continued to speak on the phone, turning around and crossing his yard with his keys already in hand, stopped Oikawa's breath.  
He was certain that if he had changed his mind at that moment, Matsukawa would have understood. Knowing him, he would have even joked about it. And yet...

Oikawa let out a long sigh, staring doubtfully at Matsukawa's back, as if he couldn't find the courage to cross the yard. Doing so would have meant accepting the consequences of his choices, and in his heart he didn't know if he could bear their weight yet. It was no longer "flirting with a guy in the locker room", or "a way to stop thinking about his problems". It was a step he had never taken with anyone, not since he had rediscovered his sexuality. It was a level of intimacy that could totally change a relationship... _his_ relationship with Matsukawa. And seeing him standing there in the open door, waiting for him in silence, as if he was expecting him to run away at any moment, was only increasing his agitation.

«Have you changed your mind?»  
«What if I say yes?» Oikawa swallowed and bit his lower lip, but his tone was anything but insecure. «If I leave now, what will you do?»

The wind making the treetops sway was the only sound breaking the evening silence. The street was strewn with light coming from the various houses, where families were probably already gathering for dinner, but none of that could attract Oikawa's attention more than the person in front of him.

«I wouldn't beg you to stay.» Matsukawa's lips tilted into a smile, and Oikawa nodded.  
«I know.»  
«I know that you know, so why are you asking that?»

Yeah, why was he asking? Maybe because he hoped that Matsukawa would have insisted? That somehow, someone would tell him that what he was doing was right?

«I don't know...»  
«I won't force you to do anything you don't want to, Tooru.»

Oikawa nodded again, but said nothing. The frenzied beating of his heart spoke louder than any word about his indecision – or expectation, he didn't know how to classify that feeling anymore. His mind was telling him to move, that at that point running away would have been almost mortifying, but his feet stayed still.

Their relationship was beautiful because there was no embarrassment. They had always let their instincts guide them, and yet, as always, a single decision had again turned that relationship upside down.

«I don't know what's making you act this way, but I can't help thinking that you're doing this as some kind of personal revenge.» Struck by those words, Oikawa's eyes widened, showing his guilt as Matsukawa continued. «It wouldn't be the first time, so it wouldn't surprise me if you'd decided to do it again. It doesn't bother me, and I'll be honest: even if it is like that, I hope you won't decide to turn around and leave. I'm attracted to you and I wouldn't mind going further in our relationship, but I'm not desperate and I won't beg you to stay. The choice is yours.»

Heat rushed to Oikawa's face, aware that anyone could hear their conversation and, at the same time, embarrassed by Matsukawa's unabashed honesty. How on Earth could he be so confident?

«Heck, Mattsun.» Oikawa sighed and raised his arms theatrically, finally walking forward until he reached Matsukawa on the doorstep. He looked up and glared at him, flashing a smile. «This is how you treat your guests? Saying that you don't care if they leave? That's rude!»

In spite of appearances, Oikawa had always been an indecisive person. However, Matsukawa was right about something: every decision, every mistake, every smile or tear, were caused by his own choices. If that night he hadn't kissed Iwaizumi, he wouldn't have felt such strong feelings, which made him smile one minute and scream in rage the next. If he had rejected Matsukawa, he wouldn't have found out that he was the only person capable of making him forget about his problems.

_If I run away right now, what would I be giving up?_

Matsukawa followed Oikawa with his eyes, surprised and slightly incredulous. That was the very first time that the captain acted so quietly, taking off his shoes and coat in the entrance so calmly that you couldn't tell how nervous he'd been just a minute ago.

«Hearing you talk about politeness creeps me out.»  
«I'm the most polite person in the world, you know?» Oikawa didn't even turn towards him, looking around before glancing back at Matsukawa, «Where are your parents?»  
«Didn't you hear when I was talking on the phone?»

Oikawa shook his head, stopping in front of the kitchen door.

«Yeah, you were too busy having your head in the clouds.» Matsukawa snorted a smile when he walked past him, heading towards his room. «My parents are at a business dinner. Well, not that it would have changed anything anyway, since because of their job they're never home before ten.»  
«Right. They work in an office.»  
«If you fail to meet them, I'll tell them you said hi.»  
«Oh, okay.»  
«It's incredible how everyone hates your insufferable personality, yet parents always adore you.» His soft laugh filled the silence, and Oikawa pouted.  
«It's not true that everyone hates me, you simply don't understand how lucky you are to have me every day by your side.»  
«Oh, really? What an honour.»

Matsukawa entered his room, dropping his bag next to the desk and stretching a bit. Oikawa stood in the doorway, his eyes wandering around the room, everywhere except on the other.

«Listen, can I take a shower? I'm still sweaty from practice, so...»  
Matsukawa nodded. «No problem. You know where the bathroom is, right?»  
«Of course.» He didn't need to be told twice, and left his bag near Matsukawa's. «It won't take too much.»  
«Take your time.»

Once he'd closed the door behind him, Oikawa took gulps of air to calm the pounding of his heart. How could he even believe he could act as usual? He'd barely held it together with how nervous he was.

_Should I do it or not?_

It was hard to smother the voices in his head. Some told him he should apologize to Matsukawa and go home, admitting that yes, a part of himself wanted to do it just to make Iwaizumi pay. Others told him that it wasn't true, that he really wanted to do it after all.

Oikawa shut the bathroom's door and sighed, then leaned on the edge of the sink to look at himself in the mirror. He had to make a decision soon. His feelings weren't the only ones at stake.

As Oikawa took off his clothes, he thought about Hanamaki, the one who had told him to make a choice, that he was the cause of all that mess. At that moment Oikawa could only agree with him. He'd always been right, and the captain had been so stupid to not realise how important his advices were.

His mind then moved to Iwaizumi. Would he really care if something happened between him and Matsukawa? He hadn't heard a word from him in three weeks, he'd hardly ever seen him at school. Would Iwaizumi show that he was still interested, if he knew? That at least he still cared about Oikawa?

He turned on the shower and shivered as the cold water hit his hand. He waited for it to become warm, watching the steady stream while his mind kept wandering in his own thoughts.

As for Matsukawa... how deep did his feelings go, that he got to the point of asking Oikawa to be his boyfriend? Their relationship had started as something casual, with no strings attached, and that was the only reason why everything was working. But was it really possible to go on like that without starting to feel something more? Oikawa felt a connection that went far beyond friendship with Matsukawa, but he could never give him an answer based on something so uncertain.

He felt guilty, but not totally. He knew that he didn't owe anyone anything, that decision was his and his alone, but it was still hard knowing he was making him wait.

Oikawa sighed when he entered the shower and the warmth embraced him completely, letting the hot water slide on his bare skin. For a brief moment, it almost seemed like it could carry away not only his fatigue, but also the doubts that kept him in that limbo of uncertainty. His mind went blank, the world around him disappearing in the hot steam. For seconds, whole infinite minutes, everything...

«Tooru?»

Matsukawa definitely didn't expect Oikawa to scream and push him away when he tried to get his attention by shaking his shoulder, risking to slip and fall on the wet floor.

«What the...!?» Matsukawa didn't have time to understand what had happened as Oikawa's head appeared from behind the shower's curtain, shock and embarrassment plastered on his red face.  
«Don't you know how to knock?!» He shouted.

Matsukawa was speechless, eyes fixed on Oikawa's and an unreadable expression on his face as he tried to hold back a laugh.

«I knocked and called your name I don't know how many times, but you didn't answer and I started to worry.»  
«Did you think I was dead or something? I was just thinking,» retorted Oikawa. Receiving no response from Matsukawa, except an amused look, he combed back his wet hair and snorted. «Anyway... what do you want?»  
«I brought you some clean towels.» He pointed at them with his chin, leaning back against the sink. «Do you need anything else?»

Oikawa looked at the small pile on the edge of the tub, then glanced at him from the corner of his eyes before closing the curtain again.

«No, I'm okay. Thank you.»

After a few minutes of silence Matsukawa let out a soft sigh, which reached Oikawa's ears despite the noise from the water.

Knowing that he was there, on the other side of the curtain, provoked mixed emotions in Oikawa. The best choice would have been to tell him that he had almost finished and that he could wait for him in the bedroom, and yet every time he parted his lips to say something, the words died in his throat. Even breath sounded loud to his ears, as if he was afraid to let Matsukawa perceive the tension that his presence instilled in him.

«Hey, Tooru.» Oikawa's heartbeat quickened. «Can I ask you a question?»  
«Yes.»  
«If you could go back, at the beginning of everything, and erase what happened... would you do it?» Oikawa turned towards Matsukawa, even though he couldn't see him.

How many times had he imagined a world where he hadn't made the mistake of talking about his love life problems with Iwaizumi that hot summer Sunday?

«Too many times.»  
«And?»  
«I don't know.» His voice was almost covered by the sound of water, since it came out like a whisper. «Maybe?»  
«I see.»

Oikawa took a deep breath, before taking advantage of that moment of confessions to ask a question that had been swirling in his head for some time.

«Don't you regret... anything? If you hadn't hit on me, you wouldn't be involved in this mess between me and Iwa-chan.»  
«I did.»  
«I see,» Oikawa whispered, his lips curving into a sad smile, «I mean, it's not hard to believe. It doesn't surprise me.»

There was another moment of silence, until Matsukawa spoke again.

«I wouldn't go back, though.»  
«Mh?»  
«Do you realize that it's your fault if I went against one of my best friends? At first I had stepped aside, not wanting to intrude between you and Iwaizumi. I even promised Hanamaki to not do anything rash, but in the end you made me lose my head and now I find myself almost feeling glad that you broke up with your best friend whom you were in love with. I was attracted to you just because you're a pretty boy, and look at where we are now. Do you think that, after everything I've been through, I would really go back? I'm here, so I might as well keep going.»

«Mattsun...» Oikawa clenched his fists at his sides. His head was spinning, not only because of the heat, but more likely for the meaning of those words. «This whole situation is... absurd. The more I think about it, the less I know what to do, every decision I make sooner or later turns out to be the wrong one. It's frustrating not being able to think of anything else but you, or Iwa-chan, or how I can face my feelings. I want to do it with you but I also know that it's not the right to do. And I hate myself, because even though... even tough I love Iwa-chan and I would do anything to erase everything I've done, a part of me also feels something for you, and I know that that part is the cause of everything that happened. I fucking hate myself for this, but look at me. Why am I here? I'm complaining, but I asked you to have sex with me. I... I just want to stop pretending everything is fine... I can't do this anymore...»

Oikawa had nothing to hide anymore. Every thought, every doubt, every uncertainty had finally found an outlet in his words. The confidence that he'd shown in the gym, telling Matsukawa that he wanted to do it with him, and when he'd crossed the threshold was revealed for what it really was: a screen to mask his fear. Fear of wanting to change things, fear of making another mistake and add it to the weight he was carrying over his shoulders.

«Then take the wrong path.» The sound of the curtain being pulled away reached Oikawa's ears before the other's voice. «What's the _right_ decision? To leave and wait for someone who's not interested in you? To apologize for doing what you wanted? Or maybe to deny yourself something just because other people might believe it's not right? Honestly, I'm sick of being told I should sit aside because _it wouldn’t be fair_ to intrude. I'm tired of being told what I should do. You should be the one to decide if something is right or wrong. It's not up to others to tell if you're making a mistake, everything will continue to be a mistake if you insist on believing that it is!»

Oikawa raised his eyes to meet Matsukawa's, which were filled with a disarming seriousness. He should have felt embarrassed, standing naked in front of him, yet his body was unable to move. He felt immobilized by that look, as if time had suddenly stopped. Even the drops of water on his skin had no more weight, since his mind had stopped noticing them.

_Everything will continue to be a mistake if you insist on believing that it is._

«What if... what if this really turns out to be the wrong decision?»  
«How can you know if it's the wrong one?» Matsukawa's eyes didn't look away from Oikawa's even for a second.

«I don't want to make another mistake!»

Matsukawa fell silent for a moment, his lips tilting into a small smile as he murmured, «Would you rather have things stay like this?»

Oikawa's body answered for his owner.

He reached out towards Matsukawa and grabbed him by his tie, pulling him under the water. One moment Oikawa was watching him and the next his lips were on Matsukawa's, parted in a kiss that was carrying his hope to permanently erase all his doubts.

_Would you rather have things stay like this?_

No.

He wanted something to happen. He wanted to stir the situation, to understand what he really wanted, to follow that instinct that was telling him to go on.

Not for Iwaizumi, not for Matsukawa.

Only for himself.

«You...» Matsukawa didn't dare move, uninterested in the fact that his uniform was getting soaked. His lips brushed against Oikawa's and parted in a smile, then he shook his head, astonished. «You are crazy.»  
«I wouldn't be here with you if I wasn't.»

They observed each other for a long moment, as if to understand what was going through their heads, then everything happened. Matsukawa pushed Oikawa against the cold tiles when the captain pulled him closer by his tie, joining their lips a second time. They didn't mind the water sliding over them, outlining their cheeks and dripping down their bodies, lost in a storm of kisses and muffled breaths, of featherlike touches and invisible caresses.

Matsukawa pulled away, just enough to take off his sweater and throw it on the floor, then approached Oikawa. The tip of his fingers outlined the captain's side before resting on it, while his other hand raised to his cheek. He kissed him again, making him tilt his head to deepen the contact and search the other's tongue with his own. Water drops mixed with their saliva, making it hard to breathe, but neither of them seemed willing to stop.

Oikawa tightened his grip on Matsukawa, while his other hand was already unbuttoning the other's shirt, the fabric clinging to his body and much heavier than usual.

Everything was so strange and new, and yet so cliché that Oikawa would have probably joked about it once it was over. But that pleasant heat was everything they needed in that moment.

A soft moan escaped Oikawa's lips when Matsukawa's mouth ran down his chin and started peppering his neck with kisses, biting and sucking the hot skin where he was certain the captain's weak spots were. A second groan echoed in the shower when Matsukawa moved up to lick Oikawa's lobe, making him shudder when he whispered his name in a warm and tempting breath.

Oikawa would have been a liar if he'd said that that situation wasn't arousing him. Just seeing Matsukawa like that was enough to drive him mad, making him lose his mind so much that he didn't even stop to think about what pushed him to do something so embarrassing as to slip his hands down Matsukawa's chest, looking at that body with such intensity that he could have burnt a hole in it. It was ridiculous how easily he could lose his cool and composure when he was with the other, and yet, as his eyes found Matsukawa's again, he wondered if holding back would have really been worth it.

«It's always a surprise with you, huh?» Matsukawa whispered with a soft voice, following with his eyes the clear pearls that outlined Oikawa's naked body.

Oikawa didn't answer him, weaving both arms around Matsukawa's neck to kiss him for the umpteenth time, pressing their bodies together. Matsukawa slid both hands along Oikawa's back, lingering on his sides before descending on his buttocks, which instinctively clenched.

It was hot, very hot, yet Matsukawa found the firmness to proceed with provocative slowness. His fingers were scanning every inch of Oikawa's skin, moving on his hips and back to his waist again, then back down to his groin before touching his cock. The tip, the length. It was a sweet torture that joined the kisses that stifled Oikawa's gasps, devouring every attempt to voice the pleasure that those little touches were giving him.

Oikawa shuddered when Matsukawa started moving along his entire length, closing his eyes to fully enjoy that sensations so new to him. Those touches, firm yet slow, that had the sole purpose of making him lose the last shred of rationality he had left, were enough to make him realize what was going on.

For once, he was sure he didn't want Matsukawa to stop. He wanted to be touched, he wanted to see how far a boy could make him go crazy, awakening those dormant feelings like an active volcano every time they were together.

«Issei...» Oikawa hid his face in the crook of Matsukawa's neck, moaning shamelessly when the latter moved faster on his cock.

It was completely different from when he was pleasing himself, as it was completely different from a girls's touch. He wasn't in control of what he was feeling and it was so much more intense; he had never even felt such a strong pleasure, capable of making him moan like that. Doing it with a guy was... insane. He had imagined something similar, but nothing could compare to reality.

His body felt like it was burning. The sensation didn't come just from his lower abdomen because of Matsukawa's attention, but it was enveloping his chest, his throat, his face. He couldn't think of anything else that wasn't kissing Matsukawa, touching his body, clinging to it even at the cost of scratching it with his nails every time a burst of pleasure renewed his arousal.

They didn't even know how or when they'd reached Matsukawa's room between a kiss and another, uncaring of the water trail they left all over the floor or of the possibility of dropping something in their path. Matsukawa had only had enough presence of mind to turn off the shower spray before pushing Oikawa out of the bathroom, kissing and biting his swollen lips as they moved towards the bedroom.

Matsukawa shoved Oikawa on the bed and licked his own lips at such a view, then undid his tie and threw it on the floor. He knelt between Oikawa's legs and kissed his knee, then the inner thigh, inching closer to his groin with small kisses, all without diverting his attention from the captain's eyes. In response, Oikawa grabbed the blankets beneath him, swallowing when his eyes met the other's.

«The bed... is getting wet.»  
«Believe me,» Matsukawa grabbed Oikawa's thighs and forced them open, whispering, «The bed is the least of my worries.»

Without further ado, Matsukawa parted his lips and licked the top of Oikawa's cock, swirling his tongue around it before welcoming him completely in his mouth. At the sudden sensation Oikawa reached Matsukawa's wet hair and raked his nails through it, letting out a deep groan that forced him to cover his mouth with his other hand.

Matsukawa grabbed his cock and started moving on it, using hands and lips together. He sucked the top, licking away the precum before going down the entire length. His fingers ghosted over his balls, instigating a myriad of emotions that almost made Oikawa's self control shatter.

«I-Issei...» Oikawa spread his legs, further tightening the grip on Matsukawa's hair.

For a few minutes Matsukawa kept giving him pleasure with his mouth, tracing his length with his tongue before going back to the top and free him from his attentions. He kissed just below Oikawa's navel, travelling up from his stomach to his shoulders, placing a kiss under his chin before brushing Oikawa's lips with his own. He run his tongue over the bottom one and bit it, then paused when their mouths were just barely touching, letting their breaths mix, and only then, finally, he stole another breathtaking kiss.

«You're so...» Matsukawa didn't even bother hiding his satisfied smile in observing Oikawa's blissful expression.

And how could he? It was his fault that Oikawa was such a mess, panting heavily and flushed from head to toe, dark eyes that seemed to glow in expectation every time Matsukawa approached him, messy hair that, in any other occasion, Oikawa would have definitely hated. The person under him wasn't the same one who'd almost had a breakdown in the shower, not even the same irritating boy he knew from school. Again, Oikawa had managed to astound him, and once again, Matsukawa realized that, in three years, he had never really known his captain.

«You're turned on, huh?» Oikawa's words brought him back to reality, or more precisely, it was the friction he felt when Oikawa arched up to grind their hips together.

There were only two things that Oikawa could perfectly distinguish in the blackout of his mind: the pleasure that Matsukawa was giving him, and the desire to feel more, hoping that he would make him melt under his touches like he'd promised in the locker room.

Nothing else. That's why Oikawa didn't ask himself where he found the courage to move his hand down, swallowing hard when he squeezed the bulge in Matsukawa's pants, making him bite back a moan.

«It would be tragic if I wasn't, don't you think?» Matsukawa whispered.  
«I would have been offended.» That lewd tone gushed from Oikawa's lips without any inhibition, his eyes following his own fingers as they traced the edge of the other's pants before he looked up again. «Take them off.»  
At first Matsukawa looked at him in amazement, as if he hadn't expected to hear such a firm order, but then he grinned. «As you wish.»

Matsukawa pulled away and got off the bed, keeping his full attention on Oikawa. He didn't turn away as he brought his hands to his belt buckle and undid it, nor when he lowered the zip of his pants. Every gesture was deliberately slow, and judging by how Oikawa carefully followed his every move, he knew that he was succeeding in his attempt.

Neither of them spoke as Matsukawa kicked away his pants and boxers, taking off his shirt before kneeling again on the bed. And when Oikawa sat up on the mattress and pushed Matsukawa on his back, climbing on top of him to kiss him passionately, the world outside of their entangled bodies ceased to exist. Fingers entwined in hair, hips grinding, the fresh fragrance of Oikawa's shampoo mixed with the musky smell of Matsukawa's sweat... this was all they had, and everything they needed.

Matsukawa seemed to be taken aback by that abruptness, but he more than willingly surrendered to anything Oikawa had in mind. His toungue searched for the other's in an almost needy way, his hands moving down to grab the captain's thighs and place him better upon himself.

Oikawa moaned against his mouth, clutching the blanket with one hand when their cocks slid against one another. Drunk from that feeling, he did it again, finding that friction more than pleasant, but not enough. In an attempt to seek extra pleasure, he reached their erections with his free hand to squeeze them together, panting as he started to move clumsily on them, searching for a pace that at first he couldn't find.

«Where does all this confidence come from?» Matsukawa muttered, his soft laugh broken by a shiver that run through his whole body, which made his grip on Oikawa's thighs grow stronger.  
«I'm not confident at all.» Oikawa gasped, leaning with his hand on Matsukawa's chest before glancing at him and showing his reddened cheeks, without stopping what he was doing.  
«I can't even imagine what you'd be able to do if you were more confident, then.»

Oikawa cracked a grin, moving more decisively. This caused him a groan, but the same was true for Matsukawa, to his delight and satisfaction.

«Like you said, it's always a surprise with me.»

Drove only by his instinct, Matsukawa grabbed Oikawa's nape and pulled him down to touch their foreheads together, only their irregular beaths breaking the silence.

«Always,» he murmured, covering Oikawa's hand with his own to help him move on their cocks.  
«Issei-» Oikawa moaned uncontrollably.  
«I want you, Tooru.»

Oikawa wanted to let himself go, this time for sure. All doubts had been abandoned in a remote corner of his mind, the fear of making a mistake completely deleted by the possibilities. Surrounded by Matsukawa's touches and attentions, he knew that giving himself to him would have been the right choice. And strangely, for the first time in so long, he wasn't afraid of the consequences. He knew he'd have to deal with them some day, but not yet, not when his mind couldn't think of anything that wasn't Matsukawa Issei.

«I entrust myself to you.»

Said by someone like Oikawa, always reluctant to lose control, those words meant more than any others.

If his confidence hadn't been enough of an evidence, from that moment on it became clear that Matsukawa wasn't certainly inexperienced. He showed it in his every gesture, making Oikawa lay down on his front and taking the bottle he kept in the bedside table along with a box of condoms, whispering jokes to make him relax, letting his breath tickle Oikawa's ear, kissing his neck, his nape, his back, as he descended slowly to his buttocks, accompanying his lips with the light touch of his fingers.

Being in that position, on his knees and exposed, was awkward and made Oikawa feel terribly vulnerable, but Matsukawa's care made everything more bearable. A boundless sea of feelings was flooding his heart, and yet nothing was comparable to the sense of belonging that he never, ever, would have believed he could find with Matsukawa. All his attention was on him; he was kissing him and touching him in a way that just a month ago he would have never thought possible. It was the missing piece that he'd never been able to find with his exes, the excitement and the need to go forward, to have more, to dissolve into pleasure.

As the cold liquid dripped down between his buttocks, and he barely managed to hold back a gasp when Matsukawa touched his opening with his thumb, Oikawa could only think of that new intimacy they had reached. Not just their physical intimacy, but something that had clicked between them when Oikawa had said that he entrusted himself to him, when he'd finally given Matsukawa his complete and sincere trust.

A deep trust that he'd only given to another person in his entire life.

Oikawa stiffened abruptly when he felt Matsukawa penetrate him with his middle finger, instinctively clutching the pillow in his arms and burying his face in it.

No, Matsukawa's caresses didn't help to calm him down and make him relax. It was a feeling he had never experienced, a pleasure that slowly spread through his belly, and at the same time a discomfort he didn't even know how to describe. Getting used to it was hard, and if he succeeded it was only thanks to the care with which Matsukawa moved, the slowness of his movements and the words he whispered to make sure that Oikawa was agreeing to continue.

«You need to relax.»

Oikawa swallowed to be sure that his voice didn't come out hoarse, panting.

«It's what I'm doing.»

Matsukawa bent down to place a soft kiss on his back before he added a second finger, while his other hand reached down to return on Oikawa's cock.

«Do you like it?» That question was answered with a simple nod.

Matsukawa's hand moved up to the tip, his fingers sliding on the wet head before returning to stroke its entire length. His fingers sank into him with a slowness that at other times would have been unbearable, but that in that moment only confused Oikawa even more. Fire was pooling low in his abdomen and the only thing he could do in response to it was moan and arch his back, spreading his legs as much as he could so that Matsukawa could torture him more.

«As you can tell, the first time isn't always nice.» Over his broken gasps, Matsukawa's voice sounded crystal clear to Oikawa's ears.

Oikawa didn't answer for a few seconds, his face still pressed into the pillow, then he turned to look at Matsukawa from the corner of his eye. Under those bright eyes and cheeks flushed with pleasure, Matsukawa was certain that he was hiding an irritated pout.

«There's no need to say that. _I'm feeling it_.»

Matsukawa barely refrained from laughing, putting a hand to his lips to hide a faint smile. This small detail, however, didn't escape Oikawa's attention, who immediately propped himself up on the mattress and turned to him with an indignant look.

«Are you laughing?» He seemed unable to believe his eyes. «I said something as embarrassing as "I entrust myself to you", and in return you laugh at me?»  
«I'm sorry.» Matsukawa pushed Oikawa back down, this time with his back to the bed so he could look at him straight in the eyes. He took his chin an tilted it up, then approached his lips. «It's just that I can't believe how naive you are.»

Oikawa found it difficult to understand what was prevailing in him, if it was his outrage or his general embarrassment, but he forgot about those when Matsukawa ground his hips against his own, making him shudder.

«You are _naive_...» He grabbed Oikawa's thigh to make him open his legs even further, kneeling between them to penetrate him again with his middle finger. Oikawa bit his lower lip to hold back his voice as the other pushed it in deeper than before. «... _Childish_...» Matsukawa quickly slid a second finger next to the first, twisting them a bit for the sole purpose of making him go crazy. «...And, above all, _touchy_.» Without even the slightest of warnings, Matsukawa added a third finger and began to move in Oikawa, enjoying the high-pitched whine that the boy this time couldn't hide.

Oikawa clutched with both hands the pillow under his head, arching his back, a bit for the pain and a bit for the sudden fire that felt burning in him. His half-lidded eyes remained fixed on Matsukawa, who was looking down from his position with his lips slightly parted in a smile. It was all so intense that his vision almost faded to black, yet it wasn't enough. Whenever Matsukawa thrust into him his voice grew louder, more eager, and his mind felt empty, but he wanted it. He wanted Matsukawa, he wanted to feel him, he wanted all of him.

He must have been going completely crazy, or else he couldn't explain what brought that cheeky grin to his lips.

«And yet you love this side of me so much, right Issei?»

Matsukawa studied him, until his husky voice filled the silence of the room.

«I do.»  
«Then prove it.»

Matsukawa stopped what he was doing. His eyes never left Oikawa's as he reached for the small square wrapper that he'd placed on the bed along with the lubricant. He opened it without thinking twice, before swiftly rolling the condom down his lenght.

Oikawa followed his every move, as Matsukawa propped a hand next to his head and led his cock to his opening, penetrating him with the tip before pulling away slowly, to make him get used to it. He was patient, willing to repeat that gesture again and again, until Oikawa could relax completely.

Oikawa's heart felt ready to explode in his chest, his voice dying in his throat every time he tried to say something. But what could he have even said, at that point? It certainly wasn't the time for having second thoughts, even if he'd had any.

«Issei...!»  
«Relax...» His mellifluous voice reached Oikawa just before a hand wrapped around his cock to start stroking it at the same pace with which Matsukawa was moving in and out from his body. «And look at me.»

Heavy gasps came from Oikawa's lips, but despite everything his attention was focused on Matsukawa, eyes helpless and pupils blown wide, intoxicated by the pleasure that was slowly replacing the discomfort.

«Yeah, like that.» Matsukawa brought his free hand to Oikawa's cheek, sliding his thumb on his lower lip before swallowing his noises with a kiss.

Oikawa threw his arms around Matsukawa's neck, fingers clawing at his back and grasping at his hair. He moaned uncontrollably, adrenaline running through his veins as Matsukawa started moving faster. He didn't bother hiding how much pleasure he was feeling, not anymore.

Matsukawa rested his forehead in the crook of Oikawa's neck, rolling his hips without any inhibition. He turned his head to search for the other's gaze, and when he found it, when he met those watery eyes that were already staring at him, he felt his heart clench with a feeling he couldn't explain. Something that led him to impulsively kiss him, a sloppy and uncoordinated kiss, but still filled with need and excitement, mixed saliva wetting their parted lips as they moaned.

«Keep going... please...»  
«I'll go crazy with you one day...» Matsukawa combed his hair back and grabbed Oikawa's thighs, finding a new angle to reach even deeper inside of him.

Oikawa knew he was far beyond his limit, but he didn't want to stop. He wanted Matsukawa to continue, wanted to feel important enough to send his rationality to hell. Right? Wrong? Consequences? Everything be damned. He had never felt as alive as he did then. Every touch, every gasp, every breath reverberated through his body. The chemistry between them was insane, something he's been denying for too long because of an unrequited love that he knew could never bring him happiness.

_Is it so wrong to want to be happy?_

Matsukawa didn't miss the shiver that ran down Oikawa's body, and he reached his cock to resume stroking it, tightening the grip on his hip with his other hand. The desire to savour the moment was entirely gone now, slow movements had given their way to the mere need to satisfy that excitement.

Oikawa grasped the blankets when the fire in his belly intensified. He panted, moaned, until his voice was just a ringing in his ears. He went as far as to believe that he was losing his senses, since the feeling of being in a bubble of pleasure blurred any noise. It was intoxicating, and the friction between their bodies extremely fulfilling. It was between their hot bodies that Oikawa reached his orgasm, with a liberating cry that made his mind go blank.

Matsukawa didn't stop moving on Oikawa's cock, only slowing down so that his oversensitivity didn't cause him discomfort. He didn't care about getting the bed dirty, enjoying Oikawa's exhausted expression and his flushed face so close to his own, that wheezing caused by his continuous thrusts while his release dripped down his hand.

With a few deep thrusts Matsukawa came soon after him, muffling his moan with a kiss that Oikawa followed distractedly, his arms tightening behind Matsukawa's neck.

In the silence of the room, only interrupted by their slowing breaths, everything suddenly became more real. And if someone had asked Matsukawa what had gone through his head during those moments, he wouldn't have been able to give them a straight answer.

He couldn't tell if it was because he had done it with someone inexperienced or because, after a long time, he had done it with someone he knew, with whom he had a close relationship in one way or another. A friend, or perhaps something more that he couldn't even define. The fact was, it had been different, overwhelming, nothing to do with the occasional relationships he'd had in the past. That wasn't a one night stand. What they had shared was going to have consequences, bringing drastic changes in their relationship, in their friendship. It was something that Matsukawa had always tried to avoid, especially when their group of friends was already unstable.

Why was Oikawa different?

_Had I known, I would have thought twice about flirting with him._

That thought made him smile.

«What?» Oikawa must have noticed it, because he gave him a curious look, sitting up on the bed and frowning for the sudden discomfort.  
«I was just thinking.» Matsukawa shrugged. «If someone had told you yesterday that something like this would have happened, would you've believed them?»  
«It's been...» Oikawa took a deep breath. His cheeks were still flushed, but at least he seemed more lucid than before. He stood slowly and stretched before throwing a glance at Matsukawa. «...intense.»

Yeah, there was no other term to define it. It had surely been intense, both physically and emotionally. It had been long since Matsukawa had felt so engaged during sex, and he couldn't even understand how it was possible. It was amazing how an interest born by mere infatuation could change his feelings towards his captain so dramatically.

In a few months he had learned many sides of Oikawa. He could almost say that the person in front of his eyes wasn't the same he'd kissed months ago on the stairways to the locker rooms. He felt attracted, intrigued, interested in discovering every facet of him.

«Intense, mh?» Matsukawa smiled and Oikawa replied with a nod before giving him his back and heading towards the door, probably with the intention of going to the bathroom.

_If I had known..._

«Hey, Tooru.»

Oikawa turned towards him, his hand already on the door handle. Matsukawa sighed and took a deep breath, shaking his head slowly, incredulous for what he was about to say. He couldn't believe it either, but the words slipped from his lips in a tone all too sincere.

«I might really fall in love with you, you know?»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A LOT of Iwa-chan in the next chapter! Promise!  
> Btw, we love you, even if we are too shy to reply your comments sometimes ;//; You're too kind!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, and glad to be back! ♥ We're really REALLY sorry for the long break, but we hope this chapter will compensate for the wait! We promised a lot of Iwa-chan, right? But Matsukawa's fans won't be disappointed either! Have a good read!

What an idiot.

How could he think that he could – once again – act like nothing happened? He had tried to convince himself that he could do it after that fateful day at the beginning of summer, the day when everything had begun, and even after what had happened during Oikawa's birthday party. He had tried to convince himself that the night they had slept next to each other was nothing special because they’d already done it many times in the past, and that the awkwardness of the following morning was due to their kiss and nothing else. He kept repeating that to himself every day, but then… he got that phone call.

Iwaizumi couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't keep pretending that it was just a passing thing, and especially that it was something that only concerned Oikawa.

His stubborn denial, his need to find an excuse to say "nothing happened, we can go on as usual" had made him blind to the truth. But it was time to stop with all the bullshit he was telling himself and open his eyes.

He was scared, because he knew Oikawa wasn't the only one who was changing.  
Iwaizumi was afraid of a change he had never taken into account, a change that could question everything he thought he was sure of.

The longer he was away from Oikawa, avoiding him as the summer came to an end, the more his mind filled with doubts, conjectures and unanswered questions, and every bit of certainty was obscured.

_We can't_ _go on like_ _this_ , Iwaizumi had told himself the day before going back to school, _I have to do something, anything._

 

Like every morning, he got up from the bed and turned off the alarm.  
Like every morning, he noted that he hadn't received any strange messages in the middle of the night.

Oikawa had been writing him every night to complain about something: either he couldn't sleep, or he didn't want to study, or sometimes just because he wanted to annoy Iwaizumi.

"One less problem to think about..."

He knew it was a lie.

 

It had been incredibly naive to believe that going back to school, meeting up with Oikawa and talking to him would have been simple, even for Iwaizumi. Of course he didn't really believe that it would’ve been _easy_ , but he hadn't even considered the possibility that seeing him, talking to Hanamaki with his usual grin, could bring back all the memories from that night.

There he was, in the middle of the gym, looking so sure of himself, with his perfect façade on, even if Iwaizumi was certain that Oikawa, too, was having a hard time dealing with those thoughts.  
Then, they made eye contact. Caught off guard, Iwaizumi couldn't do anything but clench his fists and look elsewhere.

That stupid waiting game had been going on for a week, Oikawa clearly expecting something from Iwaizumi, something that the vice-captain couldn't give him, since he couldn't find the right time nor the right words to talk to him.

Luckily, unlike them, the coach finally did something about it.

Iwaizumi would never forget that lecture. Captain and vice-captain, scolded because they were unable to find the harmony they had formed during many years of friendship.

The coach was right. They had stopped being teammates. They looked like two strangers who couldn't even communicate properly while playing. They deserved it... or at least, Iwaizumi deserved it. Oikawa had been clearly seeking his best friend with his eyes, hoping to cross his gaze, but Iwaizumi was doing everything to avoid it. It was Iwaizumi who didn't know how to start a conversation that he could have easily opened with an honest "I don’t know what to do anymore."

Sometimes there's no need for many words, as long as they're honest. But being honest about his own feelings was far more difficult than it seemed.

Iwaizumi had learned that lesson the hard way, when Oikawa had called him loudly outside the locker room. He had instinctively tightened his grip around the railing before slowly turning towards him, with a fragile confidence that could have fallen apart at any moment.

He had tried to talk to Oikawa without falling into their usual routine of trying to overpower the other by raising their voices, to peacefully clarify something that... actually didn’t need to be clarified. Iwaizumi really thought that he was right. If he were to go back, he would have done the same thing, taking the blame for what happened, like he thought he deserved.

Seeing Oikawa not even trying to understand why Iwaizumi acted that way, clearly not interested in hearing an explanation, was what triggered the vice-captain. That's why Iwaizumi had pulled him into the locker room, forcing him to talk, finally hearing the apology that, in the past week, neither of them had been able to say.

Iwaizumi remembered every single word of their conversation: how at the beginning they both avoided talking about the phone call and the moment that had preceded the fateful words "I kept masturbating while I was talking to you". It had been so embarrassing that he'd wanted to hide and not look at Oikawa's face anymore, but he couldn't. At that point he had to keep calm and go on, telling Oikawa how he drove him crazy that night, apologizing for not talking to him before.

The only thing he didn't tell him about was that little feeling of possessions and jealousy Iwaizumi was feeling towards Oikawa.

_"Together we can find a solution."_

Those few words could have been enough to settle everything, but the ones that came out of his mouth were the exact opposite.

_"We should put some distance between us."_

Why had he said that? That had been the panic talking. Suddenly he had been catapulted into a situation he'd been trying to avoid for more than a month, unable to express what he felt about the whole situation – and _what was_ _he_ _really feeling_ _anyway_?

_"No more nonsense,"_ they had said after agreeing to stop pretending that everything was fine.

What a joke.

What's the point of talking if you don't stay true to your words? Wishing for something doesn't necessarily make it easy to do, especially when being alone with your best friend still makes you uncomfortable, because you can't stop thinking about a lot of different – all morally questionable – scenarios.

_"Oikawa won't wait forever."_

After months spent thinking about what was right and an afternoon spent arguing with his friend, a single sentence from Hanamaki had been able to shake Iwaizumi's perspective.

Iwaizumi had been aware of Oikawa's feelings since his birthday, probably even before Oikawa himself had realized them. He’d known him since they were little, so it was just natural that he'd notice something so obvious, especially after the phone call. But understanding it and knowing how to handle it were completely different matters.

Hanamaki was right, nothing was irreparable and it was useless to run away from their problems, but this didn't make the situation any easier.

_"It would have been different if the confession had been from a girl, right?"_

Yes. Absolutely. Iwaizumi bet that anyone would have reacted like he did if they’d found out that their best friend was in love with them. It’s not something one could simply ignore if they're not interested in it.

Maybe that was the problem: he didn't know if he was.

He was scared. He couldn't even understand what he, himself, wanted. But he was also surprised to find out that _he_ was the person Oikawa had feelings for. Selfishly speaking, he'd been glad to know that he was "the one". That's why Hanamaki's statement had surprised him, because he hadn't even thought for once that there could be someone else.

Shame on him for being so naive.

It should have crossed his mind that there was something going on when Hanamaki had come to talk to him. He should have asked him why he'd pushed him to talk to Oikawa, especially because Hanamaki was known to be someone who preferred to stay out of other people's business.

It's not like he could have outright told him, "My best friend is flirting with yours."

Matsukawa.

Iwaizumi wished he could erase from his memory what he saw that evening in the locker room. Oikawa's heavy breathing, Matsukawa's hands on his best friend's body. Just thinking about it made him sick.

There wasn't much to say about that meeting. His blind anger had met Matsukawa's icy calm. He had lost sight of the reason why he'd returned to school and he'd ended up leaving the room with a myriads of questions in his mind. Questions that, luckily, Oikawa had answered that same evening.

That kiss... Why had he kissed Oikawa? They hadn't solved anything, no one had thought about what to do from then on, yet Iwaizumi hadn't hesitated to nod when his best friend had asked him if he could kiss him. How could they believe that things would have gone back to normal when all they did was worsen the situation? Of course they'd avoid each other out of embarrassment the next day.

However, they didn't have time to breathe and relax so they could face this kind of discussion. The date of their match against Kasaruno and Shiratorizawa was approaching, and they had Kyotani's return to think about. They were exhausted because of the intensive training, so of course they couldn't talk at that time. And what better moment to do that than after winning the tournament?

_"Nothing ever goes like we want."_

Their defeat against Karasuno still burned, but what really stuck with Iwaizumi about that day was something else. He could never forget the moment Oikawa had come back from his round to call all their teammates and had crossed his gaze... his eyes showing what seemed like guilt.  
Matsukawa had returned right after him, quiet and laid back as usual. That much wasn't enough to justify suspicion, and yet all Iwaizumi could think about was the two of them in the locker room.

He'd clenched his fists, observing Oikawa as he cheered up Kindaichi, then he'd taken a deep breath, trying to file away that thought as a result of a tired imagination following a defeat.

 

_"I kissed Matsukawa."_

Why?

What had he done wrong this time?

At Oikawa's birthday party, Iwaizumi had tried to behave as usual. After the phone call, he had ignored his friend, but'd apologized to him for his behaviour. After they'd fought in the locker room because of their coach's lecture, they had both decided to avoid other embarrassing situations. But then they kissed again. They talked a bit. There was something between them, something that neither of them could figure out.

So why had Oikawa done such a thing? Why had he kissed Matsukawa? Had it been all a lie, the fact that he felt something for him? Had Iwaizumi really spent all that time tormenting himself, trying to figure out what he was feeling, for someone who probably wasn't interested in him anymore? For someone who had replaced him in no time?

_He's my best friend._

_He's like a brother to me._

_He's one of the persons I care about the most._

_Could he be_ the _person I care about the most?_

_Can I treasure his feelings?_

_Could I return them?_

_Could I_ love _him?_

Well, he no longer needed to answer those questions. Or at least... that's what he'd believed, until he had received Matsukawa's message weeks after his argument with Oikawa.

 

He was in class when he felt his phone vibrating in his pocket. He ignored it at first, but then the phone vibrated again, a second and a third time, and only then Iwaizumi took it out to read those words that surprised him.

"From: Matsukawa.  
I know you're in class, but I have to talk to you.  
Rooftop in 10 minutes?  
Better when there's no one around."

\- - -

The students training outside, the teacher who was illustrating something on the blackboard, the whispers of his classmates... they were all muffled voices to Oikawa's ears, his mind too busy wandering to actually pay attention to them.

He was tired. That night he almost hadn't slept a wink, both because he'd stayed up 'til late with Matsukawa and because he just couldn't relax after everything that had happened.

He had so many doubts about it, but he didn't regret what they'd done. He could have stopped before following Matsukawa inside his house, before deepening their relationship, but he didn't.

It would have happened sooner or later. Even if not with Matsukawa, Oikawa was certain he would've grown tired of being left hanging by Iwaizumi. A couple of kisses couldn't make up for the recent lack of communication between them, for the awkwardness whenever they met each other's eyes. Words could never balance Oikawa's physical needs, the urge to feel him, to touch him, to embrace him. Sooner or later he would've had to realize that Iwaizumi could never return his feelings, it was only a matter of time. Matsukawa's presence had only helped Oikawa to open his eyes faster and make him stop hoping for something he couldn't have.

Yet, despite everything, he still couldn't give an answer to Matsukawa. Was he selfish to wish for happiness and at the same time to still have his best friend at his side? Maybe. Was he still in love with him? Of course. A single night couldn't make his feelings disappear.

If he really had been selfish, he would have chosen himself over his friend. Maybe moving on would have been the best choice. But unfortunately, his egoism couldn't suppress the desire to see Iwaizumi happy too.

The sound of the bell diverted Oikawa from his thoughts. He hadn't even realized how long he'd been distracted, but he soon regretted it when the teacher told the class to "get ready for next week's test."

_Shit._

«Oikawa.»

Oikawa looked up, surprised – not to hear his name, since he was used to have people come to him because of his responsibilities as class president and captain of the volleyball team, but to see who'd called him.

«Makki?»

\- - -

«I talked to Matsukawa this morning,» Hanamaki said as he sat on the steps of the locker room behind the gym.  
Oikawa didn't say anything at first, he just looked at the other before whispering a faint, «And?»  
«We're fine. Well, I am, now that I blew off some steam...» Oikawa didn't even need to ask what he meant since Hanamaki clenched his fist, grinning. «Anyway, he told me a bit about the way things turned out.»

Hanamaki wasn't looking Oikawa in the eyes, but he was calm and even the peaceful tone of his voice proved it. At least he didn't seem ready to assault him, verbally or physically, so the captain decided to sit down beside his friend.

«Let me guess, now you'll tell me how foolish I was because I did it without thinkin-»  
«I can only imagine how much you’ve thought about what you were about to do, Oikawa. Even if I like to tease you, I don't think you're stupid enough to do such a thing so light-heartedly. Plus, that's none of my business. You made your choice, I won't judge.»

Oikawa laughed to dampen the embarrassment.

«What's with this change of mind, Makki? You've always judged my choices, you know?»  
«I know and I'm not going to apologize for that, I'm still convinced that many of your choices have been impulsive, but I'm sorry for shouting at you. I didn't have the right to do it.»  
«I'm not mad at you, don't worry.» Oikawa took a deep breath. «I'm a little on edge lately.»  
«I can believe that.»

Both of them had acted on impulse, that much was true, but thinking about it, Hanamaki didn't even want to be part of that story. Everyone had asked him for advice at some point, and no one had actually followed it. It was normal for Hanamaki to feel frustrated.

«I should have listened to you, Makki. I acted without thinking many times.»  
Hanamaki said nothing at first, then he shrugged and sighed, turning towards Oikawa, «It must be a prerogative of our group.»

They both smiled.

«Oikawa.»  
«Mh?»  
«Matsukawa told me that he wants to talk face to face with Iwaizumi.»  
Oikawa’s eyes widened. «WHAT?»  
«He asked me to not say a word about it, specifically to you, maybe because he thinks you'd try to stop them, but I don't think it's right to keep you in the dark. We both know that there's only one possible outcome, of course. We can only hope that they'll eventually understand that their attitude benefits no one... How is it possible for two people that are so different to be friends?»

Oikawa had no idea what to say. Why hadn't Matsukawa told him? And why had he decided to talk to Iwaizumi right after what happened between them? He clenched his fist and bit his lower lip. Hanamaki was right to say that there was only one possible outcome.

He couldn't help but remember what had happened in the locker room. If a kiss had triggered Iwaizumi so much, he didn't want to think about what might have happened if-  
No. He wanted to believe that Matsukawa would never do such a thing to Iwaizumi. He wasn't the type to brag about something, not to the detriment of a friend.

Unless...

_Iwa-chan is too proud, but Mattsun... Mattsun is too good at taking advantage of other people's weaknesses._

«A friendly advice.» Oikawa looked up at Hanamaki, who was now standing. «I won't get angry if you decide to ignore me. I said that your choices are not my problem and that's true, but I don't want to see three years of friendship being thrown away. From now on, think twice about what you really want, because this is something much bigger than your relationship with Iwaizumi. You're playing with other people's feelings right now. You can choose Iwaizumi or you can choose Matsukawa, for all I care you can choose neither of them. Just... try not to have any regrets. See you!»

Oikawa didn't say anything, he stared at Hanamaki until he was out of sight.

He knew that. Ending up regretting his choices was his greatest concern. He didn't want to deceive Matsukawa, just as he didn't want to hurt Iwaizumi. He didn't want to choose Matsukawa just because... just because it would be the easiest route.

\- - -

During the following hours, Oikawa was even more distracted than before. He was scolded several times for not paying attention and he had to apologize for not understanding the questions addressed to him.

He simply couldn't think about school when he didn't know when or where Matsukawa and Iwaizumi were going to meet. Many times he had thought of sending a message to Matsukawa, but... What would he do if he didn’t answer? Hanamaki said that Matsukawa wanted to hide it from him, after all.

It was during lunch break that Oikawa decided to go directly to Matsukawa, but when he asked his classmates where he was, they told him that they didn't know.

_"Maybe he's sleeping in the infirmary!"_  
_"Or on the rooftop."  
_ _"Skipping classes so late in November isn't smart."_

Oikawa thanked them before turning away, where he found Hanamaki right beside him with his usual grin.

«Want to skip class too?»  
Oikawa didn't think twice before nodding, «Yes, I really need it.»

\- - -

Oikawa had the habit of going to visit his former teammates in the gym after school and help them with their training. Even the coach was okay with it, provided that it wouldn't affect his studies.

That day he didn't even think of going. At the sound of the last bell, Oikawa put his stuff in his bag and left the class with the sole intention of going home.

As he walked, he kept thinking about what might have happened between his two friends or what they might have said. Or in the worst case scenario, what if something had happened to one of them – or to both of them? Matsukawa hadn't been around school all day and according to Hanamaki, Iwaizumi had gone home before the last period. He hoped the situation hadn't degenerated too much.

Oikawa sighed, his eyes unfocused on the road in front of him as he walked with a quick pace. He wanted to relax a bit. Afterwards, perhaps, he could call someone to understand what hap-

«You make me wait for you all this time and you don't even say anything?»

That voice. He could recognize it in the middle of a screaming crowd. That whisper – such a sharp cutting remark – was enough to make him turn towards the other.

On the wall in front of Oikawa's house, in the shade of the lamp posts that had just started to light up, Iwaizumi sat still, looking at his best friend.  
Oikawa could almost feel his heart beating in his ears, his breath catching in his throat. It seemed that his body and mind were fighting on what to do, his eyes fixed on the other and his feet stuck where he stood.

Iwaizumi jumped down the wall and reached Oikawa, slowly, his fists clenched around the strap of his school bag. His green eyes met his best friend’s only when he stopped just a few feet away from him.

«Iwa-chan...?» Oikawa couldn't hold back the surprise when he saw Iwaizumi's face.

Band-aids and adhesive gauzes barely covered the bruises and cuts on his eyebrow and at the corner of his mouth, where he could still see some dried blood. He'd probably gone to the infirmary before leaving the school, but it was clear that he hadn't bothered to self-medicate, perhaps because he wanted to leave quickly.  
What really attracted Oikawa's attention, however, was how red Iwaizumi's eyes were. Despite his thoughts, despite the feelings that were fighting inside of him, seeing him like that frightened him a lot. Iwaizumi probably noticed it, because he immediately tried to smile to relieve the tension, although it soon became a grimace.

«There's only one possible outcome.» Oikawa whispered, «Makki was right. You two are too idiots.»  
«Yeah... Matsukawa knows how to provoke me.» Iwaizumi was speaking slowly because of the pain.  
«And you obviously didn't think that he was doing it on purpose.» Oikawa folded his arms across his chest and sighed. Iwaizumi didn't answer, so he asked the only thing that mattered in that moment, «So? Why were you waiting for me like a stalker?»

The answer came faster than never.

«Because we need to talk.»

Oikawa was incredulous, but he didn't know if it was in a good way or a bad way. He bit his tongue to refrain from making remarks like _"Really?",_ or _"Just in time!"_ , but this obviously didn't stop him from looking at him with irritation.

«What makes you think that I want to talk after all that's happened? You made it clear that there was nothing left to say.»  
«You know that I don't think about what I'm saying when I'm angry.»  
«So... what? Is that your excuse for everything? You can say whatever the fuck you want when you're angry just because you can't hold back?»  
«Of course not.» Iwaizumi paused for a moment, then resumed talking, «There's no need for me to say that I've been an asshole, we both know it. I'm not asking you to forgive me for what I've said, it's just that I... Oikawa?»

Oikawa had already started walking towards his house while Iwaizumi was speaking, but he stopped when he called him. He turned towards the other and sighed, hiding the need to scream that was making his throat burn.

«What, you want to talk here?» He didn't even wait for an answer, reaching the door to unlock it, as Iwaizumi followed him inside.

Iwaizumi headed upstairs to avoid being seen by Oikawa's mother, while Oikawa told him he'd join him soon enough, probably to go give his mother some excuse not to be disturbed – which was wise, given the circumstances and the talk they were about to address.

Being in Oikawa's room after everything that happened felt... different. Iwaizumi had always felt at home in that place, and yet, for the first time, he felt like a stranger. Even leaving his bag near the door and sitting on the edge of the bed seemed wrong, as if he had to ask for permission first. He felt unpleasantly out of place. How could it be possible to reach that point in such a short time? He would have paid any price to feel welcome again, would have done anything for Oikawa not to look at him like he did just minutes ago... as if his presence had become only a burden to him.

The door opened and Iwaizumi immediately looked up at Oikawa. Even if the tension between them was thick, for some reason Oikawa decided to ignore it and sit right next to him. A moment later, he placed a small first aid kit on the bed.

«There's no need fot that, I've already...»  
«Shut up.» Oikawa picked up a dry cotton ball and some disinfectant. Without caring about the pain, he ripped off the band-aids and gauzes from Iwaizumi's face, making him curse under his breath. «This is because you're stupid.»

Thankfully, Iwaizumi didn't argue.

Oikawa was certain that his voice would have died in his throat if Iwaizumi had started to talk right there, without giving his heart the opportunity to calm down before it could explode in his chest. Having Iwaizumi sitting on his bed, in the silence of the room, his eyes closed and his breathing slow while he medicated his wounds, was certainly not what Oikawa had expected from that evening. He had been totally caught off guard when he'd seen his friend waiting for him in front of his driveway.

In the room's lighting, the bruises seemed much more vivid. Still, Iwaizumi remained silent and didn't complain about Oikawa's nursing skills. He wasn't talking, he wasn't reacting... maybe that was why Oikawa decided to break that silence once and for all.

«Iwa-chan ...?» Oikawa shifted from Iwaizumi's eyebrow to the cut on his lip.  
«Mh?»  
«What happened with Mattsun?»

Iwaizumi slowly opened his eyes, looking at Oikawa, now so close to him.

«A lot of things. We talked a lot.» He was nervous, his knuckles were white from how tightly he was clenching his fists. «Well...»

Just looking at him was painful, but Oikawa stayed silent, lowering the cotton ball and waiting for Iwaizumi to speak.

«Well, we made things clear, more or less.»  
«Good.»

_When are you going to do that with me, Iwa-chan?_

«Matsukawa told me what happened between you two from the start, and the day of the tournament, and-» Iwaizumi lowered his eyes, breathing slowly to keep his composure. «He told me what happened... yesterday.»

Oikawa wasn't surprised that Matsukawa had told him, it was a possibility he had already considered. Matsukawa had never been one to keep things secret, especially with his friends. What worried Oikawa was how Iwaizumi was managing to stay this calm.

«I don't blame you, really. I did tell you to go to Matsukawa.»  
«Don't.»

Iwaizumi frowned, but he stayed still when Oikawa laid a new gauze on his eyebrow.

«You were about to say that it is your fault, didn't you? Well, don't. I decided to have sex with Mattsun because I wanted it, not for some kind of revenge.»  
«I-» Iwaizumi stiffened. Hearing that from Oikawa personally wasn't as easy as he'd thought, but he nodded, «I won't say it. There's no point in taking the guilt now. I can't erase the fact that I told you you could do whatever you wanted...»  
«It would have happened even if you hadn't said it. We would still have argued because you would have kept pretending everything was fine the way it was. Different reason, same outcome.»  
«Yes, you are right...»

They were both visibly tired. Because of that situation, because of what had happened, because of everything.

«Care to tell me what you want?» Oikawa's voice didn't sound provocative, but resigned. He took a clean gauze from the kit and looked back at Iwaizumi, sighing. «One last favour, Iwa-chan. Tell me once and for all that you are not interested in me and help me set my heart at ease.»  
«I love you.»

Iwaizumi said it with such simplicity that, under other circumstances and at a better time, it would have made Oikawa laugh. Instead, Oikawa's lips parted, his eyebrows arching in astonishment.

«What did you say?»  
«I love you, I'm sure of it now. I've never felt this way for any other girl, it's stronger than any attraction I've ever felt. We can blame the fact that we've known each other for so long, that you've always been my best friend and that I can count on you for everything, I don't know. But I know that I want to be with you, that I want to kiss you. That I _like_ kissing you, and touching you, and I like to be by your side.» This time he didn't even worry about hiding the pain because of the cut on his lip. «I can't stop thinking about you. I've tried to think about anything else for three whole weeks, I tried to convince myself that everything I did was conditioned by your love for me, but no. That's not the whole truth.»

What was Iwaizumi trying to achieve by saying all those things? Oikawa knew it couldn't end there... it would have been too simple and perfect. What was the catch?

Iwaizumi grabbed Oikawa's wrist to make him lower his hand from his already medicated wounds, and didn't let go.

That’s when Oikawa saw them. Wet green eyes and a single tear that outlined his bruised cheek.

«What I think of you, what I would do for you, what I want from you... it's all different. I still see my best friend in front of me, but my heart sees you as the person I love. I see you and I think about all the days we spent together playing, laughing, and arguing, but then I touch you and that routine no longer exists. I don't want to be with you if I have to fight against these thoughts every single time we're together. That's not what I wanted... I don't know what to do anymore.»

There was the catch.

«Iwa-chan, I...»

Oikawa should have been happy to finally hear those words he'd been so desperately craving. Why was he sad then? Why was that _"I love you"_ heavier than any rejection? Where was the Iwaizumi ready to insult him? The boy who was always ready to cheer him up with a grin? He couldn't recognise him anymore. Beneath those bruises and cuts, behind those red eyes and the fear hiding in them, there was no trace of Oikawa's old friend. Seeing Iwaizumi like that was horrible. And Oikawa couldn't help but think that it was all his fault.

«How did we end up like this?» Oikawa huffed a sad smile, looking down on the hand that was still clutching his wrist.

Every second of silence was an agony.

«You've turned my world upside down...» Iwaizumi whispered, «You have no idea of how many times I've regretted the day I accepted meeting you at the start of summer holidays.»  
«Wow, you even _regret_ _it_ , Iwa-chan?» Iwaizumi clearly wasn't realizing how much pain he was inflicting to Oikawa with his words.

There was so much to talk about, so much to explain, but in that moment Iwaizumi’s lips didn't seem able to form words. He still felt the need to scream and he knew it would have happened if he opened his mouth, so he did the only thing he could do. He let go of Oikawa's wrist to now hold his hand.

«I love you, Iwa-chan...» The urge to cry was strong, but Oikawa didn't want to break down in front of his friend. «I really do.»  
«I'm sorry...» Neither of them dared to look at the other.  
«Maybe it would have been better if you'd kept telling me that you didn't love me and that you didn't want to be with me because it was disgusting. It would have... hurt less.» Oikawa's smile didn't reach his eyes, «I can't help but think that I've ruined everything. Maybe you're right, if I hadn't called you that Sunday, nothing would have happened.»  
«You didn't ruin anything, Oikawa. _“Different reason, same outcome"_ , right? Everything's been falling apart ever since your birthday party, but it's not your fault. It could have ended there, but it didn't.» That's when Iwaizumi's voice cracked. «I love you, but a part of me is still fighting with it. I don't want to live a relationship with so many doubts, it's not what I want... and it's not what you deserve.»

Oikawa wasn't able to smile anymore. It was sad to realize that they felt the same way for each other, but that it wouldn't bring them anywhere.

«Iwa-chan...»  
«Tell me.»

Eventually their eyes met, moist from tears they couldn't let fall. It was the time to talk, not to cry.

«Don't ignore me anymore. I know we argued, but three weeks have been too long. Even if it will hurt both of us, I don't want to lose you again. You are my best friend.»

Yes, it would have hurt both of them for sure, but it was also true that they couldn't keep ignoring each other. They couldn't just throw such a long lasting friendship away.

«Yes, you're right.» Iwaizumi sighed, holding Oikawa's hand for the last time before letting him go. Then, in a broken voice that made it clear how difficult it was for him, he said, «Whatever you want to do from now on, I won't blame you. I won't ask you to wait for me, I don't want to keep you from having a relationship... so... don't. I don't want to be the cause of your regrets.»

Oikawa knew he had to respect his decision, that he had to accept it if Iwaizumi wanted to be just friends. He had to say something, but it was hard, it was like having needles stuck in his throat. In his heart, he had always known that it would have ended like that, but knowing that Iwaizumi somehow felt the same for him was destroying him.

His love wasn't one-sided, but they couldn't be together. What a fucking joke.

«I'm sorry, Iwa-chan...» It was the only thing Oikawa was able to say, with such a faint voice that it didn't even sound like it belonged to him, «I'm sorry...»

There it was. The same feeling he'd felt when Oikawa had come to talk to him in his room after everything that had happened in the locker room. The need to speak, to stay with him, to touch him, to embrace him and say that it was all right.

Iwaizumi knew that the moment he'd set foot outside that house, everything would be over. That was the last opportunity to do the right thing, but... what was the right thing to do in that moment? Staying with the person he'd realized he loved, knowing that he couldn't give him what he really deserved, or letting him go? Casting aside every doubt to have him all for himself because of his selfishness or just staying close to him as a friend, allowing him to find someone who could return Oikawa's strong feelings?

Iwaizumi was already standing up from the bed as he was thinking about it. His eyes searched for Oikawa's, then the vice-captain smiled with a sadness that hit him deep.

«See you tomorrow at school.»

Without adding anything else, without waiting for a word from his best friend, before having the chance to realize that maybe he had made the worst mistake of his life, Iwaizumi left the room.

\- - -

It was 2:00 AM and Oikawa was twisting and turning in his bed for the umpteenth time, staring first at the wall, then at the ceiling, then at the window in the darkness of the room.

He couldn't sleep – of course.

Iwaizumi had gone home hours ago, yet he couldn't stop thinking about their conversation.  
It was surreal. After a long time he had convinced himself that there couldn't be anything romantic between them, and then he'd found out that Iwaizumi loved him... even if unnecessarily.

«We love each other, but we won't be together.»

Even saying it out loud sounded stupid.

He'd never thought that falling in love would bring him so many problems... maybe it would have been better if he'd continued dating girls, at least he wouldn't have found himself in the middle of the night with the desire to break something and shout.

Oikawa reached out to pick up his phone from the bedside table, but the screen didn't light up when he tried to turn it on. He sighed and got up from the bed, plugging the charger into the socket before sitting down on the floor, leaning against the wall. A few seconds later, the phone turned on.

What a day...

The trill from the phone saved him from falling victim of new self-deprecating thoughts. Then a second one took him off guard, then a third... How many people had been looking for him in such a short time?

Hanamaki's missed calls were the first things he noticed. Maybe Matsukawa had talked to him and he'd wanted to talk? Or maybe Hanamaki wanted to ask him if he knew what happened...

Oikawa looked at the time and deleted the calls, well aware that it was too late to call him back. They could talk the following day at school.

What surprised him the most were Matsukawa's messages.

_"Are you awake?"_

Ten minutes later:

_"I guess you're not. I just wanted to know if you're okay... but I don't even know if the word_ okay _is appropriate."_

The last message was sent no more than five minutes before Oikawa had turned on the phone.

_"Good night, Tooru."_

Oikawa stared at a random spot in front of him before taking a long breath and answering Matsukawa.

_"I'm awake."_

There was no immediate answer from the other and this led Oikawa to wonder if he hadn't already fallen asleep. Lucky for him, the screen lightened up.

_"How are you?"_  
_"I don't know."  
_ _"Do you want to talk about it?"_

A sigh preceded the answer.

“ _About what, the first disappointment of my life from one of the persons I care about the most? Don't worry, there's no need.”_  
“ _If you need someone to talk to, I can come to you.”_  
“ _Mattsun, it's really late! Seriously, it doesn't matter, I already had time to think about it.”  
_ “ _I don't care about the time, I would have no problem coming to you if you needed me.”_

Oikawa couldn't suppress his smile as he typed.

_“Said the one who'_ _s_ _clearly not in love.”_ followed by a, _“Obviously I'm joking!”  
__"It's not a matter of being in love. It's normal to want to be close to someone you care about, be it a family member, a friend or yes, a lover, when they need you."_

«Oh, Mattsun... I'll never get to know every side of you, uh?» Oikawa muttered to himself.

Maybe Matsukawa was right, talking about it would have made him feel better.

_"Iwa-chan came to my house."_  
_"I know. What did he say to you? If you want to tell me, of course."_  
_"He told me everything and nothing about what happened between you two."_  
_"It's not my place to tell you what he said to me. Maybe he had his reasons for not telling you."_  
_"Maybe, who knows... I didn't ask. How are you, though?"_  
_"I’m a bit bruised, but nothing more. I'm surely in better conditions than Iwaizumi."_  
_"You two are idiots."  
_ _"Touché. I may have exaggerated a bit with the provocations."_

Oikawa shook his head slowly.

_"Mattsun, honestly... What do you think about this situation?"_  
_"It depends. What do you want to know?"  
_ _"Everything? But apparently I’ll never know because no one wants to tell me. Why did you want to talk with Iwa-chan?"_

Matsukawa didn't answer right away. Perhaps he was thinking back to what had happened with Iwaizumi, or perhaps he was simply thinking about what words to use.

_"I think Iwaizumi is an idiot. He knows he loves you and that should be enough, I don't understand why he doesn't want to be with you, but at the same time I can't blame him for his confusion. He ended up falling in love with his best friend. For someone who has always loved girls, that is a huge revelation, especially because you're the only one he ever fell for. He's not into boys, he would never date one, but he loves you. How can you blame him for not knowing what to do? Well, I already told him what I think about it, that's all."_  
_"Mattsun, do you think I'm stupid?"  
_ _"I would say yes 90% of the time, but not in this case."_

Oikawa snorted.

_"I feel guilty. It's my fault if he's so confused."  
_ _"Don't blame yourseld for something you had no power over. He made every decision on his own. Jokes aside, Iwaizumi isn't stupid enough to be influenced by others. A little soul-searching would be enough to understand what he really wants, but we can't figure out what's going on in his head."_

If only Oikawa had fallen in love with Matsukawa and not with Iwaizumi from the beginning... it would have been so much easier. Iwaizumi would have continued to be his best friend and perhaps Oikawa would have been happy with Matsukawa.

Maybe he would have really been...

...and yet...

...thinking about not having Iwaizumi by his side, but someone else, was hard.

_"Mattsun?"_  
_"Shoot."  
_ _"Sorry if I haven't given you an answer yet."_

Oikawa didn't expect the way he replied to that.

_"I don't want to talk about it now. Between what happened yesterday and what happened today with Iwaizumi, you must have a lot of thoughts in your mind. I'm not a fool, I know that what happened between us was not enough to make you forget about Iwaizumi."_

Oikawa smiled. Any other person would have taken advantage of it, but not Matsukawa.

_"I'm just sorry I'm wasting so much time to figure out what I want."_

Like Iwaizumi did.

_"You're not wasting it, you're using it right. Take all the time you need, I'll wait."_  
_"Mattsun! Where did you hide this poetic streak of yours all this time?"_  
_"You're not nice at all. I could be worse when we're together, don't tempt me."_  
_"This sound like a threat ..."_  
_"Who knows."_  
_"Mattsun, you're scary!"  
_ _"It seems you have cheered up a bit."_

He knew Matsukawa was teasing him on purpose, but Oikawa was happy for it.

_"Obviously. Feeling sorry for myself won't change anything."_

Feeling sorry for himself wouldn't change Iwaizumi's mind, it wouldn't change the fact that Oikawa held the feelings of two people in his hands. Matsukawa and Iwaizumi... an attraction that made him feel good and a love that was destroying him.

_"Sorry if I woke you up. Rest well, Tooru."_

He had to choose between taking the easy route or the hard one. Accepting Matsukawa's feelings or accepting that sometimes, even if the person you love loves you back, there might be no happy ending.  
The last few months had been difficult, but from that point forward, it would have been even worse.

_"I'm glad you wrote me, Issei. Good night."_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *no one here, already run away*


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really love all of you for your kind words, your comments are the reason this story keeps going on, seriously! *hugs*  
> Attention please: GLASSES!OIKAWA IN THIS CHAPTER! The first time we wrote this chapter, we didn't know why Oikawa had glasses in the manga, but we really fell in love with him so... We found an excuse.

For the first time in weeks, Oikawa woke up with a clear head. No thoughts of Iwaizumi or Matsukawa, no worries about unrequited feelings cluttered his mind. He was... relaxed. He knew things weren't going well, but he lingered on that rare moment of respite before reality would inevitably overwhelm him again.

It was the calm before the storm.

The conversation he had the previous night was only the tip of the iceberg. Oikawa wasn't so stupid to believe that it could repair their relationship, and certainly Iwaizumi knew that too. Words weren't enough to make things right. They needed to be followed by their actions.

Therein lay the first problem.

Oikawa went to school hoping to meet Iwaizumi, but at the same time he hoped not to, because he didn't know how to deal with him. The best course of action would have been acting like everything was finally fine, but he couldn't just joke and smile like he used to with his best friend. It would have meant rubbing salt into his wounds.

The situation with Matsukawa wasn't easy either.

Oikawa was struggling between wanting to see him and wanting to avoid him. He wanted to talk to him, he needed his pillar, the only person who was still standing by his side without judging him even after all that had happened. But, for those same reasons, Oikawa didn't want to meet him.  
The more time passed, the more Oikawa knew he couldn't go on like that. Even though Matsukawa had told him to take time to think carefully about what he wanted, he also felt that he had to give him an answer as soon as possible. It wasn't fair to make him wait too long.

Oikawa was really starting to feel something for Matsukawa. It was just a spark compared to the strong fire that tied him to Iwaizumi, but it was there, and it was difficult to ignore.

«Oikawa?» He looked up at the teacher who'd called him. He was one of the few students still sitting at their desks after the sound of the bell, his mind too busy dealing with his troubling thoughts to realize it. «Irihata is waiting for you in the teachers' room, don't make him wait.»

_The coach?_

\- - -

Oikawa hoped that the coach wasn't going to ask him – for the umpteenth time – if he knew anything about his friends' university of choice. It wasn't really a topic they had discussed lately. When was the last time the four of them had laughed and joked together about something? Or the last time Iwaizumi and Matsukawa had even been in the same room without shouting at each other? The day of his birthday party? Could that be it? Looking back, it was unbelievable that they had wasted so many months being at each other's throats instead of trying to clarify the situation.

Speaking of which... Iwaizumi had done that with Matsukawa, right? Matsukawa talked with Hanamaki too, just like Oikawa talked with Iwaizumi. Maybe he could hope everything had really been settled. Maybe, after such a long time, they could actually attempt to have a normal conversation.

Oikawa sighed, hoping to be right about that. Some peace would have been nice, especially because the beginning of the exams session and the end of the school year were getting closer.

Unfortunately, only time could give him the answers.

«Did the coach call you here?»

...or maybe Matsukawa, who was sitting on the floor next to the door, could.

Oikawa slid his hands into his pockets and walked until he was in front of him, studying him. Like Matsukawa had said, he seemed perfectly fine, unlike Iwaizumi.

_Mental note: never make Mattsun angry._

Oikawa sighed again, sitting down beside him.

«You too? Is there already someone else in there talking with the coach?»  
«No, he's on the phone with Shiratorizawa's coach... you know, for the training camp?  
He said it would only take a couple of minutes... a couple of minutes ago.» Matsukawa shrugged and leaned back against the wall.  
«Right, Kunimi and Kindaichi were selected.»

Was it already that time of the year? It was easy to lose track of time when you had exams to think about. Not being able to play with his friends didn't help either.  
Oikawa still remembered when he was called during his first year to take part to the Intensive Training Camp in Tokyo...

«Bad memories?» Matsukawa grinned.  
Oikawa didn't even try to hide the disgust on his face, «Far too bad.»  
«Why? Didn't you have fun playing with Ushijima? You've never even complained about it once!» Matsukawa's sarcasm made Oikawa laugh.  
«Not once, sure! Believe me or not, I know how annoying I am when I talk about Ushiwaka! That week was hell, Iwa-chan doesn't even want me to mention it anymore! At any time of the day, anything Ushiwaka did was an excuse for me to call Iwa-chan and-»

Suddenly, Oikawa stopped talking.

At any time of the day. They used to text or call each other if they couldn't spend time together in person. They had always talked at least once a day... _always_. Thinking about it, maybe their relationship had never been like any regular friendship.

«Is everything alright?»

Oikawa looked at Matsukawa out of the corner of his eye.

«If you count feeling like I've just been hit by a truck of thoughts as being fine... then yes, everything's fine.»  
«Sorry, I didn't-»  
«You don't have to feel sorry, Mattsun. It's not like I can pretend Iwa-chan doesn't exist until the waters have calmed down. If I want to settle things, I need to start doing something.»

As always, Matsukawa must have understood what the other was thinking, because he reached out to him and slowly carded his fingers through his hair.

«Try not to carry all the weight for yourself though, you tend to have this bad habit. Remember that I'm here, for anything you need.»  
Oikawa pursed his lips into an embarrassed grimace, «Can you put an end to this poetic side of you? It's creepy.»  
«That's not a nice thing to say to someone who wants to help you, you know? Anyway, I just wanted to remind you of that. You often forget that there are people ready to support you.» Matsukawa's fingers brushed down his cheek in a feather-like touch.

It was strange to talk with him so openly in the school hallways, as if it was... normal. Being alone sure helped, of course.

«I know that, you idiot.»

It was a new kind of intimacy, different from what he had with Iwaizumi or his ex-girlfriends, even... it might sound silly, but it was also different from what he'd felt in Matsukawa's room. This was an intimacy made of small gestures and whispered words, promises to stand at each other's side in the time of need.

«Do you want to go somewhere after school?»  
Oikawa's eyes widened, «Do you mean, like... a date?»  
«No, I mean “going somewhere after school”.» Matsukawa repeated, without looking at Oikawa. «Nothing as formal as a date.»  
Oikawa smiled. «Where is this coming from?»  
«I don't know, I was just thinking that going somewhere would help you to relax. Obviously, as long as you don't feel...»  
«As long as I don't feel...?»  
«Well, uncomfortable. After all that happened yesterday, I don't want you to think that I'm trying to take advantage of the situation.»

Oikawa had never believed that Matsukawa could ever take advantage of someone else's weakness for his own personal gain. During the past few months, he had always been honest with everyone, even with Iwaizumi and Hanamaki, even more with him, always giving him the opportunity to think twice before doing something.

Oikawa knew he would never feel uncomfortable with him, but he also had to be honest... at least this time.

«I'd like to go out with you, Mattsun, but... as you said, I probably would do it to avoid thinking about Iwa-chan and relax a bit. I'm not actually in the mood to go out with someone and have fun as if everything was fine...»

Matsukawa turned towards him with an enigmatic smile. Oikawa was slowly learning the difference between a genuine one and a smile meant to conceal his real thoughts. This time it was more the second kind than the first.

«I know. It would be weird if you didn't have your head full of thoughts after everything that happened. And I already told you that it wouldn't be a date, I just want to help you somehow.»  
Oikawa rushed to add, «I want it to be clear, this doesn't mean that I accept to go out with you just because I don't want to think about Iwa-chan! I'm happy you asked me.»  
A much happier smile appeared on Matsukawa's lips. «I didn't want to insinuate anything like that.»

«Go find an empty classroom, you two.»

They were so taken aback that Matsukawa let Oikawa go, as they immediately looked up at the person who had spoken.

«Makki?»

Oikawa didn't know whether to be surprised or to thank his luck that Hanamaki was the one who saw them. Talking with Matsukawa really made his usual attention to detail disappear.

«Do you realize that anyone could have seen you?» Hanamaki stared at them in disbelief.  
«We weren't doing anything!» Oikawa hastened to answer.  
«After three years, for the very first time, I must agree with Tooru. We weren't doing anything.»  
Hanamaki addressed Matsukawa with a grin. «You two sure experienced a lot of "first times" during these months...»

Matsukawa was about to reply, but in that moment the door opened to reveal coach Irihata, who looked down at them with obvious irritation.

«What are you shouting about? Come on in, Matsukawa. Oikawa, sorry to make you wait, but Washijo kept me on the phone until now...» Irihata turned towards Hanamaki, narrowing his eyes on him. «And you? What are you doing here? You're not skipping classes, are you?»  
«Skipping classes? Me? I would never do that! I was... going to the bathroom!»  
«Yes, sure. Go back to your class now.» With that said, Irihata went back into the office, leaving the door open.

Matsukawa stood up, grinning at Hanamaki – well aware of his blatant lie – then told Oikawa that he'd call him later to agree on when and where to meet, before following the coach.  
As soon as the door closed behind Matsukawa, Oikawa felt Hanamaki's eyes on himself.

«Someone here has a date.»  
Oikawa slowly shifted his attention to the other. «It's not a date, we're just going somewhere to blow off some steam.»  
«So it's a date.»  
«I said that it's not a dat-»  
«Going out to eat, spending the evening together, and _I don't want to know what else_ you'll do together... I'd call that a date.»

Oikawa huffed, only to hide the embarrassment. He wasn't stupid, he knew that Matsukawa didn't want to call it a "date" because he didn't want to put pressure on him after the events of the day before, but-

«I almost forgot!»  
«What a change of topic!» Hanamaki laughed.  
«Why did you call me last night?»

Hanamaki's laugh died on his lips. For a few seconds he found himself speechless.

«Last night? Let me think...» He put his hands in his pockets and looked elsewhere, all under Oikawa's watchful eyes. «Right! Last night! Don't worry, it was nothing important!»

Oikawa's inquisitive gaze didn't falter, not when a bad feeling started to run through his body, nor when that feeling became almost a certainty. He didn't know why Hanamaki had called him, but Oikawa knew that he was lying. There was guilt in his eyes.

«Makki, start talking.» Oikawa was looking at him with the utmost seriousness. «You don't call someone in the middle of the night for nothing. It can't be a coincidence.»  
«Of course it's not a coincidence, Oikawa!» Hanamaki snapped, walking away from the door to approach the window.

Oikawa stood up and followed him. It was better to keep what had happened between Matsukawa and Iwaizumi a secret if they wanted to keep them out of trouble.

«Whenever I think the worst has passed, an even worse situation pops up... I hate you all for putting me in this position.»  
«Did... something happen with Iwa-chan?»

Oikawa didn't know why, but he was almost certain that Iwaizumi was the cause. When Hanamaki nodded, confirming his fear, Oikawa let out a long sigh.

It was obvious that it wasn't easy for Hanamaki to talk about it, but the reason he'd called him must have been _really_ important, so he needed to know.

«He came to my house last night.»  
«Do I need to be worried?»  
«That's your call. I sure was worried. He told me he couldn't go home in those conditions, but I'm sure he just wanted to talk with someone.»  
«I would have called you back if I had known. Sorry, Makki.»

Hanamaki shook his head.

«No, on second thought, I'm glad you didn't answer. Iwaizumi was there with me. He had just fallen asleep, but I wouldn't have been able to talk freely.»  
«Be honest... would you have still told me about it if I hadn't asked you about the call?»  
«Honestly? I don't know... I still need to process everything that happened.» Hanamaki leaned against the window. «If not today, you would have found out soon enough. If not from me, from Matsukawa. I need to talk to him too, especially about Iwaizumi's conditions.»

Oikawa seemed annoyed by that addition.  
At least, for once, he wasn't the last one to know something. It was a great feeling.

«Thank you for telling me, even though I had to force you to speak.»  
«I didn't want to keep it a secret.»  
«So... did he stay at your place today?»  
«He seemed to feel better, but I convinced him to get some rest anyway. I think he wanted to go home as soon as he was certain his parents had gone to work.»  
Oikawa nodded, «You did well... the teachers would have gone crazy seeing all his bruises.»  
«He complained a lot, though. He didn't want to stay put. Who knows...» Hanamaki glanced at Oikawa. «Maybe he couldn't wait to see you again.»

The teachers' room door opened and they both turned around to see Matsukawa. Irihata called Oikawa in then, leaving Hanamaki's veiled zinger without a response.

Luckily for Oikawa.

He had felt his heart throb at the idea that Iwaizumi might have wanted to see him that much, but he knew that he shouldn't have felt so happy. Oikawa had to remember that, in spite of everything, Iwaizumi still had said that he didn't want to be with him the same way Oikawa wanted.

«So, Oikawa...» Irihata barely gave him time to sit before closing the door and sitting behind his desk. «Did you think about that scholarship in Tokyo?»

\- - -

Oikawa pushed his glasses up his nose and put his hands in his pockets, hiding his face in the thick white fur of his winter coat to shelter himself from the cold evening. He looked up at the big clock in front of the mall. He had tried in all the possible ways to avoid being early, but he hadn't been able to suppress the agitation.

From the shower to his bedroom – where he spent a long time choosing what to wear, before opting for a pair of jeans and a light sweater – and from his bedroom to the living room – where his mother convinced him to put his glasses on – anxiety had kept him on edge.

Despite taking time to talk with his mother about how long he'd be staying out, he had arrived in front of the mall ten minutes early.

Oikawa let out a puff of breath, visible in the frosty air of late November. The stores were already decorated for Christmas, doorways and shop windows lit up the streets that were still full of people even as dinner time approached.

«So well-dressed...»

Oikawa sighed at the teasing words, not even turning towards the other.

«You're late, Mattsun! I'm freezing!»  
«I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not late. You're the one who's early.» Matsukawa grinned. «Were you eager to see me?»

Oikawa gave him a look with the corner of his eye.

Matsukawa had always thought that he looked stupid in school uniform. Everyone had always joked about it, laughing and telling him that it wasn't true.

However, seeing him "well-dressed", as Matsukawa put it, in loose fit jeans and a black coat that reached just below his hips, made Oikawa seriously reconsider that.  
In that outfit, Matsukawa looked a thousand times better. He looked more mature, anyone who didn't know him could think he was at least twenty years old.

Was it just Matsukawa or the different light Oikawa was seeing him in that made him look so... cool? Either way, it was undeniable that Matsukawa had really good taste.

«Since you can't take your eyes off of me, I would say that's a yes.»

Oikawa hid his face again into the fur and looked away, embarrassed to be caught red handed.

«Instead of making fun of me, Mattsun, start thinking about where we can go!»  
«Any idea?»  
Oikawa looked back at him. «Surprise me!»  
«Nice way to avoid making a decision.» Matsukawa reproached before he started walking, and Oikawa immediately fell into step with him.  
«Okay, okay. Then let's go eat something! I’m hungry!»

Matsukawa smiled inwardly.

 

Oikawa loved Christmas, but not just for the festive atmosphere. Thinking about the right gifts to buy, what his friends might like... the very idea of spending so much time trying to make his loved ones happy was enough to make him love that holiday.

«Tell me, Mattsun. What will you do during winter break?»  
«I will probably go out of town with my parents to visit my relatives, like every year. I always make it a one day trip, but my parents usually stay there for the rest of the holidays. I just need to show up so that they see I'm alive, we exchange gifts, have dinner together, then I come back home. They know that they can't force me to stay in that small town in the middle of nowhere for two whole weeks.» Matsukawa glanced at him. «And you? What are you going to do?»

Oikawa shrugged.

«I'll visit my relatives, have a few family dinners, get some training... I'll stay in town like every year, so nothing special.»  
«TRAINING?» Matsukawa had a resigned smile on his lips. «You're kidding, I hope!»  
«Absolutely not! With all that's happened, if I stay home without doing anything I'll go crazy.»

Matsukawa's expression changed in an instant. At first, Oikawa thought it was because of what he said, but before he could even open his mouth again, Matsukawa put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer. In that moment, two boys on their bikes zoom right past them, laughing and shouting with their worried mother on their heels.

The woman paused for a moment to mutter an apology, before rushing behind her children.

Oikawa stayed motionless for a few seconds, but then he looked up at Matsukawa with a laugh.

«You never miss a chance to make a move, do you?»  
In response, Matsukawa tightened his grip on his shoulders and grinned, «I'll let you get run over next time.»  
«You would miss me.»

Matsukawa leaned in closer, so that in the middle of the crowd, only Oikawa could hear his whisper.

«Maybe.»

Oikawa smiled, this time genuinely, when Matsukawa let him go to resume walking.

He was so different from Iwaizumi... he didn't mind acting so affectionate and being close to him even though they were in the middle of one of the busiest streets in the city. He didn't care about what people might think when he'd kissed him in front of the school, nor when Iwaizumi had seen them in the locker room. Even in that case, despite the terrible outcome, they had even been lucky that no one else but Iwaizumi had walked in on them.

Matsukawa always acted on his instinct, but to be honest... it wasn't entirely a bad thing.

«Mattsun?»  
«What?»  
«Have you ever had a boyfriend?»

Matsukawa looked at him with an amused smile.

«Why the sudden question?»  
«I'm just curious! You're so calm and relaxed, it almost seems like you-»  
«Already have some experience? Didn't I already show you?»  
«Not _THAT_ kind of experience, you idiot!» Oikawa's cheeks reddened at the memory, making Matsukawa chuckle.  
«No, I never had a boyfriend. I dated a lot of people, but the longest relationship didn't last more than a couple of months. But even then, it was nothing official. Most of them were one night stands.»

Oikawa mulled over that for a moment.

«Has something changed now?»  
«Why do you ask?» Matsukawa didn't meet his eyes this time, but kept walking calmly.  
«...just asking.» Oikawa shrugged and wrapped himself tighter in his coat, glancing at the window displays.

Matsukawa smiled. Oikawa really was like an open book.

«It's not about whether something has changed or not. I never cared about having a boyfriend simply because I didn't want to have a relationship with any of the guys I met, that's all. It all depends on the person you want to be with. If you love them, you'll obviously want to be with them. If it's just physical attraction... well, then it's pretty easy.»  
«And what about me?» Oikawa's eyes pierced Matsukawa's. «Is it just physical attraction?»

Matsukawa smiled but didn't answer, instead opening the door of the fast food restaurant in front of them to step in, leaving Oikawa behind.

Oikawa was a bit disappointed to be left hanging like that, but he certainly wouldn't give up asking, especially after that enigmatic smile. He wouldn't give him respite until Matsukawa answered all of his questions, Oikawa decided, even if it meant forcing them out of him until Matsukawa would probably regret asking him out on a date.

The two ordered at the counter and sat in one of the free booths. Matsukawa took off his coat and left it on the seat beside him, straightening his black long-sleeved shirt that certainly left little to the imagination before starting to eat.

Oikawa stared at him a bit longer than he meant to. When he realized it, he hurried to take off his coat and concentrate on his food.

«You look nice with your glasses on, you know?» There it was again, Matsukawa's strange straightforwardness that always managed to dumbfound him, just like when he'd asked Oikawa out on a date. «It's not the first time I see you with them on, but it's the first time after... well, everything.» He grinned.

Oikawa stared at him as he bit into his hamburger.

«I have to put them on in the evening to avoid straining my eyes.» He explained, then took a sip of his coke.  
«I'm not complaining, that's for sure.»  
«I am.»  
«You know, I like looking at you.»  
Oikawa looked astonished at that statement, «Do you do that often?»  
«I do that to almost everyone.»  
Oikawa laughed, «Okay, that's worrying.»  
«Everything you say sounds like a bad thing!» Matsukawa leaned back and put his hands in his pockets. «I like to look at people, their bodies are far more honest than their words. People can deny their embarrassment but can't hide the way they blush, for example. You are very expressive, Tooru. With one glance I can understand almost everything that's on your mind. And by the way, I have a thing for glasses.»  
Oikawa shook his head slowly, «Your honesty is almost irritating.»  
«Why? I simply don't see the point of hiding my thoughts.»  
«So... if I were to ask you something, would you tell me anything I want to know?» Oikawa looked at him with a mischievous grin.

Matsukawa sat up straight and crossed his arms on the table, returning Oikawa's look as if he'd just accepted a challenge.

«Anything.»  
«I appreciate it. At least I don't have to try and decipher you.»  
«Wait a minute. Not hiding what I think is quite different from saying whatever goes through my mind. Believe me, you wouldn't want to know all of it.»  
«Why? It would be fun!» Oikawa laughed, «Okay, okay, do you want the truth? We've known each other for three years and yet, it feels like I'm only now starting to know the real you. The old me would have been angry thinking that you were hiding something from me, you know? I would have reacted like I did with Iwa-chan at my birthday party. But being with you now, talking about such delicate topics without going crazy, makes me realize just how much I've changed during these past few months.»  
«So conscientious... who are you and what have you done with Oikawa?»  
«Sorry to disappoint you, but he's right here in front of you!» Oikawa gave him a pompous smile. «So, now it's my time to ask you a question! What are you thinking about right now?» He said with a low, inquisitive tone.

Matsukawa leaned forward as much as he could.

«I would like to kiss you.» He whispered.  
«Here?» Oikawa looked incredulous.  
«Would that make you feel uncomfortable?»  
«Well, I don't know. Maybe? Would it be worse than kissing in front of the school?»  
«There are a lot of people here.» Matsukawa pointed out.  
«Fair enough...»

A soft laugh broke Matsukawa's serious facade. He finished his drink and moved the empty tray to the corner of the table, then looked at Oikawa with a quiet smile.

«I would never do that. Kissing you in a fast food restaurant is not exactly what I had in mind when I asked you out.»  
«So, if we were somewhere else, would you do it?»  
«Of course.»  
«You know, Mattsun ... that's one of the things I like about you. You don't care about what other people say.» Despite his words, Oikawa sounded distracted. «If I had the certainty that my family and the people at school would accept it, I wouldn't care either.»  
«Don't get me wrong. The opinion of strangers doesn't matter to me, but I always think about the people that are close to me.»  
«From the way you're talking, it almost sounds like you had your share of experiences.» Oikawa leaned back of the couch, sipping his drink. «The real problem is that I don't now how to deal with... this. Despite finally accepting who I am, the only ones who know it are you, Makki and Iwa-chan. What if someone else found out about it? What if rumours started spreading at school? I really don't know how I'd react. We both know that it's a difficult topic for many people, especially for older people like our teachers.» Oikawa sighed. «I'd like to imagine that everything would turn out fine, but... reality's quite different. I was angry with Iwa-chan for how he reacted, but I finally understand that I had no right to be. Of course he didn't know what to do, I didn't know either! It must not have been easy for him.»

Matsukawa listened carefully to every single word and didn't speak until he was certain Oikawa had exhausted everything he had to say.

«It hasn't been easy for him, just as it hasn't been easy for you, for me or anyone else that had to face our situation.» Matsukawa's lips turned into a sad smile. «You were right before, I know that from experience. I realized I was into guys during middle school. At the end of my third year, I had sex with a highschool student I met on-line. As you said, it's not the kind of talk you can have with anyone... I found out at my own expense that my parents weren't exactly the most open-minded people.»

Oikawa felt his heart beat faster. He had no idea that Matsukawa's parents knew about him.

Matsukawa laughed without mirth, a bitterness hidden behind that smile.

«Basically, my mother's pretending I never said anything. For my father, the argument is taboo. After I told him, he didn't talk to me for two whole months. He still doesn't accept it, but it's fine as long as I don't say anything to my relatives. What I'm trying to say is that... yes, Tooru, I fully understand you, and I understand Iwaizumi too, even though I don't justify him.»  
«They want to keep up appearances, huh?» There was a veil of sadness in Oikawa's eyes.  
Matsukawa nodded, «Unfortunately, we can't do much about it. That's the reason I always say and do whatever I want. I don't want to have any regrets just because other people feel the need to judge my choices.»  
«I envy your courage, Mattsun, but I could never do the same.»  
Matsukawa slowly shook his head. «I would never ask you to. You wanted to know what I was thinking and I told you, that's all.»

For the first time in Oikawa's life, even his best friend couldn't help him with his problems. Maybe that was the reason why he was saying all those things to Matsukawa, because he was the only one who could understand them.

«If you think about it, it's always a matter of keeping up appearances, whether it is at school or at work. In the end, what's important is to know that you have someone next to you who understands and supports you. At least, it's enough for me.»  
«I think you're right.» Oikawa nodded, though not fully convinced. «Why should I care about other people? I don't owe them any explanation.»

Matsukawa didn't answer this time. He just smiled at him. Oikawa seemed embarrassed by it, because he instinctively lowered his gaze.

Oikawa had initially agreed to go out with Matsukawa to try to blow off some steam, at least for one night, but in the end he was really glad he had accepted. He was feeling serene, and not just because he wasn't thinking about Iwaizumi. Matsukawa made him feel like that because Oikawa could really be himself with him and discuss topics he couldn't talk about with anyone else.

«Issei...» Hearing Oikawa call him by his first name, Matsukawa gave him his full attention. It meant that he was about to ask something important, «How do you feel about me?»  
«As I told you, I never had a real relationship. I don't even know how I should act with a boyfriend, but something about you makes me curious to find out. I like you.»

 _"I like you"_ were Matsukawa's words. A certainty.  
_"I love you"_ those of Iwaizumi. But they were followed by a heavy _"It's not what I want"._

It was hard to think which one was the right decision – even though he couldn't talk about "right decision" anymore. Both of them would have been right for an infinite amount of reasons.

If he had to choose only based on what was best for him, Matsukawa would have probably been the best choice. Yet, he had argued with Iwaizumi because he wanted to feel safe, loved, surrounded by his strong feelings. Was it right to choose Matsukawa, who was still saying that he simply liked him? Iwaizumi had told him that he loved him... maybe he should have waited with the hope that, one day, Iwaizumi would want to be with him?

From his silence, Matsukawa understood that Oikawa had fallen victim of his own thoughts again.

«Tooru, you don't have to make a decision if you don't feel ready. I don't blame you for not knowing what to do.»  
«No... it's not fair to make you wait.» Oikawa sighed and put down his empty drink on the tray. «Believe me, the more I think about it, the more I find myself wondering why I haven't already given you an answer, since you would obviously be the best choice. And yet...»

Matsukawa stayed silent, his expression unchanging while he listened to what Oikawa had to say.

«You can tell me that I'm a fool, that Iwa-chan is an idiot and he doesn't deserve my time, but the truth is that I can't stop thinking about him. I want to be happy, I want you to be happy, Mattsun, but... I want Iwa-chan to be happy too. He's always been part of my life, you know? We've been together for as long as I can remember. I know that whatever choice I make will have its pros and cons, but I really, _really_ , want to make the right one this time… since lately, I realized that I'm not very good at making them.» Oikawa laughed.

The smile on Matsukawa's lips held an unusual innocence compared to his usual grin.

«You have to think about what you want, not about what we want. You can make other people happy only if you're happy in the first place.»

Oikawa stayed silent for a moment.

«How do you always manage to say the right thing at the right time?»  
Matsukawa shrugged, «I tell myself _"I’d like to know Oikawa's answer as soon as possible, but is this the right time to ask about it?_ " and then, _"Of course not,_ _you_ _idiot"._ So I don't.»  
Oikawa burst out laughing, «I love it when you're honest!»

Matsukawa looked at him for a few seconds before standing up. He put on his coat and took their trays to go empty them in the trash. Oikawa followed after him, still laughing.

«Where do you want to go now, Mattsun?» He asked. He seemed much more light-hearted after their talk.  
«Mh...» Matsukawa exited the fast food place and looked at Oikawa, who was hiding his face in the collar of his coat because of the cold wind. «There is a place I would like to visit. Wanna come with me?»  
«Sure!»

 

Nothing special, nothing planned, no curfew. Just the two of them talking about whatever they had in mind. Though the temperature had dropped drastically, their jokes and laughs made the cold almost bearable.

«...and Hanamaki looked at me like I was crazy, screaming that I wasn't normal if I really thought that "making things clear" meant "confessing my feelings".» Matsukawa grinned, remembering what had happened after their match against Karasuno.  
«Makki hated us for that...»  
«Hated? I'm sure he'd thought about killing me for weeks!»  
«Impossible, Makki would be lost without his right-hand man!»

Matsukawa didn't seem convinced at all, but he didn't say anything. Instead, his eyes stared at Oikawa before turning towards what was in front of them.

«It's been years...»

Oikawa's heart started beating frantically. He was breathless.

He knew that park.

In front of them there was a small winter-themed amusement park. It was so perfect that it looked like a picture: food stalls that looked like small wooden houses, selling sweet treats and drinks as Christmas lights illuminated the faces of their clients; children running from one ride to another, with their parents chasing after them; couples, walking hand in hand and just waiting to take some photos in front of that little corner of the world.

«The people who organize this are family friends, I used to come here a lot when I was little. Growing up sucks, I had to stop coming when all the responsibilities and obligations started to take up all of my time. I even thought they had stopped doing it, but instead it's getting bigger every year! I'm glad for them. Hope you didn't mind comi... Oikawa?»

\- - -

It had been a nice evening, with a sky full of stars and the biting cold of late November. Oikawa and Iwaizumi, who were seven years old at the time, had heard from their friends that someone had set up a small amusement park near their school. After an afternoon spent asking their parents to go there, they had been able to convince them.

As Matsukawa had said, it used to be much smaller in the past, just a couple of rides and some food stalls. To an adult it was nothing special, but it looked like an ideal place to a kid.

That night of many years ago had been snowing.

Oikawa was eating his hot manju when the first snowflakes had started to fall. He remembered being so fascinated by the snow that he hadn't been paying attention to where he was going.

_"Tooru!"_

Iwaizumi had called him.

\- - -

«Tooru?»

Oikawa turned slowly.

«Tooru? Is everything okay?» Matsukawa was looking at him with what seemed like worry.

Damn... why did Oikawa's mind have to dig up that memory? _Why_ _now_ _?_ And why was his heart still beating at full speed?  
Oikawa smiled at Matsukawa and took a deep breath. He cleared his throat, but there was still uneasiness in his eyes.

«Sorry, I remembered something that happened when I was little! Can you believe that I came here once? Maybe we even saw each other without knowing! Anyway, I was with Iwa-chan and our parents. I was eating a manju when it started snowing. I stared at the sky for so long that I didn't look in front of me, so I walked straight into an old man. Obviously I dropped my manju and I almost started crying, but Iwa-chan gave me his and-»  
«Tooru ... you don't have to tell me.» Matsukawa said quietly.

Oikawa didn't even realize his eyes had filled with tears until he felt one fall down his cheek. Immediately, he took off his glasses and dried his eyes with his other hand, laughing nervously.

«Don't worry, it's nothing, I'm just too sentimental! Of all places, you had to bring me here, Mattsun? You and your romantic-»

Matsukawa didn't let him finish. He pulled him closer and put his arms around him, his grip tight on his shoulders.  
Slowly, Oikawa grabbed onto Matsukawa's coat and sank his face into it, hiding from the other's eyes. Words were superfluous. The feeble shaking of his shoulders was talking for him.

In that park, where the noise, screams and laughs of the people were too far away to be a concern, no one would have cared about them.  
No one would have paid attention to Matsukawa, to Oikawa... or to the agonizing pain that slowly, day after day, was becoming overwhelming.

Perhaps, after seventeen years of spending almost every single day together, to stop thinking about Iwaizumi wasn't as easy as Oikawa had believed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The angst wasn't expected. I was writing and between a "what if" and another... well, it happened.  
> I will try to write/translate/publish the next chapter as soon as possible, but Lucca Comics, the biggest convention here in Italy, starts in two weeks and I really have a lot of photoshoots booked! I'll do my best anyway! ;;


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so many things to say... But I'll wait, for now let me just say this: as you can see, the number of chapters is now 22 (and not 23)! That's because I finally finished writing MTAE! ç_ç Exactly! What's left is translating the last chapters, and I'm already working on the next one! (half is done).   
> Now, I hope you'll enjoy this chapter as much as I loved writing it :)

Oikawa couldn't remember the last time he had felt so apathetic towards everything.

The days after his date with Matsukawa and his consequent mental breakdown were simply the worst he'd ever had. You could say he was exaggerating, but he couldn't shake off that feeling. He wasn't angry with himself, nor towards someone else. Maybe a little sorry for Matsukawa, but other than that, _nothing_.

He had thought that the reason he was feeling so down was due to the realization that his love for Iwaizumi was preventing him to pursue any other relationship, but he knew it was something more than just sadness... it was like a sense of loss, as if he'd suddenly realized that his only chance of being happy with someone had been taken away from him.

Which wasn't far from the truth. He _had_ tried to forget Iwaizumi by going out with Matsukawa, after all.  
Oikawa had been happy with him, but that fragile happiness was laced with guilt; guilt for loving Matsukawa, for trying to be with him even though Iwaizumi was still always in his mind.

For a whole week Oikawa had avoided everyone, turning down his friends' invitations to come to the gym with the excuse of having to study for the entrance exams – an excuse that had worked even with Matsukawa, who had stopped trying to talk to him after a while.

After that gloomy week, Oikawa had started to feel better. From time to time he would go to the gym, even if it was mostly to talk to the coach about his university of choice. On very rare occasions he also spent time with his fans, something he'd been avoiding entirely during the previous few months. He even started seeing Matsukawa and Hanamaki again during lunch break, the few times they weren't busy studying for their last exams.

Everything seemed okay... except, Iwaizumi wasn't there.

The person who had promised Oikawa that everything would have gone back to normal was missing, the same person who'd sat in Oikawa's room and had looked at him with that bitter smile they both knew well, full of promises that couldn't be kept.

It was time to face the truth, once and for all: aside from some glances and a few hellos, any other interaction between them felt forced. And how could it not be? The wall between them, built by their fears and disappointments, had now become too high to be climbed.

Their relationship was ruined, just as Oikawa had predicted at the beginning. That was surely the cause of the sense of loss that was weighing on his conscience like a boulder.

Oikawa sighed, looking at the sunset painting the sky in its orange tones. He slid his gloved hand over the bench's backrest where he was sitting, in that backyard filled with memories – like the vending machine he and his friends had always bought their drinks from.

He took a deep breath and slowly closed his eyes, enjoying the silence around him, grateful to have skipped his last class and escaped from those suffocating walls.

Honestly speaking, he could no longer see a way out of that situation.

Two paths laid in front of him: the safe one that led to Matsukawa, and the tortuous one, full of pitfalls and dangers, that led to Iwaizumi.

Oikawa was... well, lost somewhere in the middle.

He couldn't think of his life without Iwaizumi in it, but that wasn't enough to push him towards the dangerous path. After all he'd been through, after being turned down over and over again, he couldn't completely trust Iwaizumi's words when he'd said he was in love with him. Oikawa's love was real, but the fear of opening his heart again and making another mistake was real too.

«Damn... I thought I'd seen a beautiful girl sitting on that bench. Too bad it's only Oikawa Tooru engrossed in his own life contemplations.»  
Oikawa turned his attention to the vending machine, where Hanamaki greeted him with an amused smile. He smiled back, «Aren't you cold, Makki? It's not the right season to take a walk in gym clothes.»  
«I'm not a whiny kid like you, I don't need to wear twenty scarves and ten sweater just because it's winter!» Hanamaki shouted at him while buying juice. «The weather is nice and the sunset is beautif-»  
«Drop the excuses, I know you well enough to tell that you ditched gym class, Makki.» Oikawa's smile turned into a grin. «What I want to know is what you're doing out here.»  
«I didn't ditch it!» Hanamaki huffed, «The teacher said we could do whatever we wanted since it's the last class before winter break.»  
«You didn't answer my question.» Oikawa said with a sing-song voice.  
«I saw you by chance and was wondering which drama had brought you here.» There was no malicious intent or hidden meaning in his words.  
«Why drama? What if I was just relaxing?»  
«Because if you don't have something to do, you end up dwelling on your negative thoughts.»  
Oikawa leaned forward and rested his chin on the palm of his hand, «Guilty as charged. No need to rub it in, you sadist.»  
Hanamaki sighed, «Masochist, at most. A sadist wouldn't have stuck around you after everything you did.»

Hanamaki was absolutely right, a sane person would have abandoned him and his problems at the first opportunity. Once again, Oikawa had to thank his friends for being anything but normal.

Hanamaki raised an eyebrow as Oikawa tried to conceal his laughter.

«So? Care to tell me why you looked so sad?»  
«Didn't you say you wanted to stay out of this, Makki? Are you actually a masochist?»  
«Consider this my philanthropic act for Christmas.» He shrugged, «You should take advantage of my kindness before it's gone.»

This time, Oikawa couldn't hold back a laugh.

«I was thinking about... everything.»  
«Like what?» Hanamaki tossed his empty juice box into the trash bin and slid his hands into his pockets, constantly shifting his weight to warm up.  
«I realized that these three years are coming to an end and everything we've been through will become just a memory.» There was a moment of silence, then Oikawa smirked, «Too sentimental?»  
Hanamaki looked _very_ annoyed. «Definitely. Now, the truth.»  
«Hey! That was part of the truth!» Seeing Oikawa laugh so heartily was something Hanamaki was grateful for, especially after how gloomy he'd looked during the previous week. «Anyway, I was just wondering how I ended up in this situation.»  
«Nothing new, then. You reap what you sow, Oikawa. I tried to give you my advice many time, it's not my fault if you've never listened.» From the light tone of his voice it was clear that Hanamaki wasn't feeling weighted down by the matter anymore.  
«I already apologized for that, but I don't think that acting differently would have solved anything. Who knows, maybe it could have been even worse. I got tired of tearing apart every choice I made. When I did what I did, I was aware of the risks I was running. I don't regret anything.» Oikawa sighed. «And yet, here we are. Three idiots who can barely say hello to each other.»

Hanamaki studied Oikawa's expression, as if he was pondering whether or not he should say what he had in mind.

«You've grown up.»

Oikawa seemed puzzled by that statement.

«Last time we talked you kept saying it wasn't your fault. Now you're finally taking responsibility for your actions. I didn't think this day would ever come!»  
«Mattsun told me the same thing, you know?» Oikawa gloated, «I would actually believe it if it wasn't for the breakdown I had in front of him!»  
«Wait, wait, _W_ _HAT?_ » Hanamaki sat down next to him so quickly Oikawa flinched away. Judging by his friend's bewildered look, he realized he really didn't know what Oikawa was talking about.  
«Did Mattsun not tell you?» Oikawa blinked in surprise.  
«He stopped telling me what's going on between you two a long time ago.»

In other circumstances, Oikawa would have been happy to know that a friend had respected his privacy, but he was so used to Hanamaki and Matsukawa not having secrets between each other that it felt strange and a little suspicious that Matsukawa hadn't told the other about his _little_ outburst.

«You remember the day Mattsun asked me to go on a date with him, right? Okay. We met up after school and talked about a lot of things. After eating something, he took me to this amusement park he knew and... well, I remembered an episode from when I was a kid-»  
«Let me guess. Were you with Iwaizumi?»  
«Unexpected, right?»  
«Okay, but you didn't tell me the reason of your breakdown.»

Oikawa clasped his hands together, biting his lower lip.

«I was having fun with someone I have strong feelings for, someone who was doing everything he could to make me happy... and yet a simple memory was enough to make it all crumble, to remind me of Iwa-chan, to make me think _"He should be the one here with me"_. And at the same time, I felt guilty... so fucking guilty, Makki, I was disgusted by myself. I had no reason to think something like that, not with Mattsun at my side, he didn't deserve it... but I couldn't stop thinking about Iwa-chan, you know? How happy I've been with him in the past and how much I love him... then Mattsun hugged me, and I fell apart. I felt worse than even, I-»  
«Oikawa,» Hanamaki must have heard the trembling in Oikawa's voice, because after interrupting him he stayed silent for a few moments, staring at him. «I won't tell you that I understand how you feel, because no one can. I'm just sorry.»

They looked at each other, letting another beat of silence go by before Hanamaki continued.

«I've always been happy to be considered someone you can tell anything to, because I like to know what's going on with the people I care about. However, when I see the situation the three of you got wrapped up in... well, it becomes difficult to shut up. The more I know, the more I want to punch you in the face because of all this bullshit.»  
«What can I say? We are too stubborn and proud to admit our true feelings, that's why we ended up like this.»  
«That's for sure. You're always joking, acting all high and mighty, then, when someone needs to talk about something serious, you're less reasonable than a brick wall.» Hanamaki rolled his eyes.  
«I would like to talk to them now, believe me... but I don't even know what I should say anymore. The only thing I'm sure of is that Mattsun's hiding a lot behind his indifference, while Iwa-chan doesn't seem to know what he wants. First he tells me one thing, then it's the opposite...»  
«What about you, Oikawa?» Curiosity sparked in Hanamaki's eyes.  
«What? I wouldn't be here if I knew what I had to do.»  
«I'm not talking about what you should do, having to deal with two guys like them would make anyone crazy. You're trying to understand why Iwaizumi is so confused, you're trying to deal with the guilt you're feeling towards Matsukawa, but please, stop for one moment. Take a breath and think. What is it that _you_ want, right now? If you could make this all end with a single decision, _now_ , how would you like it to end?»  
«As if I didn't think about that already! That's what making this so difficult. I really love Iwa-chan and that's why I can't dive into a relationship with him knowing that it could collapse like a house of cards. And he's also the reason why I can't accept going out with Mattsun. I feel comfortable with him and I like him, but my feelings for him will never be as strong as the ones I have for Iwa-chan.»

Hanamaki snorted a little smile.

«Okay, but you're still not answering my question.» His voice was a whisper, as if someone could hear them even if they were alone. «I know it's hard, but please, give it a try… would you really be okay with having Iwaizumi as your best friend, _nothing more_ , if it meant having him by your side again?»

Hanamaki's eyes didn't avert from Oikawa for even a second, while Oikawa's stayed fixed on a random spot in front of him. Even when his lips finally parted to whisper the answer, he didn't turn towards Hanamaki.

«No.»  
«I thought so.»  
«But I won't put my feelings at stake for someone who isn't sure about his own. Not again.»  
Hanamaki nodded, «I can understand if you don't want to take another leap in the dark. As for Matsukawa, I hope you're telling me the whole truth.»  
«I'd be lying if I said that a part of me doesn't love Issei, but it's nothing compared to my love for Hajime.»

Hanamaki was taken aback by the determination in the other's eyes. He had never heard Oikawa talk about his feelings with such honesty.

«I know you hate the fact that you can't control the situation, Oikawa. Just remember that you can't make everyone happy; whatever it may be, someone will be hurt by your decision.»  
«That's inevitable, I know.»  
«Well, you can still hurt both of them!» He laughed to break the tension.  
Oikawa, however, seemed serious when he asked, «Are you suggesting I choose neither of them?»  
Hanamaki's smile disappeared. «I... was joking. Really.»  
«I know, you idiot.» Oikawa sighed, «Listen, if it was possible I would seriously put aside my feelings for Iwa-chan to make things go back to normal, but I can't. And I also don't want to disappoint Mattsun, especially after everything he's done for me. Perhaps, being alone is really what I deserve.»

Hanamaki couldn't find an adequate answer. They could spend hours talking about it, trying to find a solution, but he knew that all he could do was listen to his friend's problems and give him his opinions.  
In the end, Oikawa was the one who had to figure out what to do.

«Any plans for Christmas?»

Hanamaki frowned at the sudden question.

«Christmas, Makki. Lights, cakes, presents?»  
«I know what Christmas is, Oikawa!»  
«Okay, just checking. So? Will you stay with your parents? Or do you have other plans?» The ex-captain's lips tilted into a smile, «Let's change the subject to something... happier. Please?»  
«Okay... to be honest, I don't know what I'll do... except studying, of course,» Hanamaki decided to ignore Oikawa's chuckle, «Do you have something in mind?»  
Oikawa crossed his legs and thought about it, «I usually spend the day with my family and then go to Iwa-chan's house. Since we'll be skipping this tradition this year, I think I'll use the holidays to take a break. Avoiding Iwa-chan and Mattsun for a while might help me. At least I can count on my nephew to distract me.»  
Hanamaki laughed nervously, «Good luck keeping that little demon at bay!»

Oikawa laughed out loud this time, his amusement genuine.

«I still can't believe that this whole story started because of you.»  
«Because of me!? You're kidding, right? I was too drunk to realize how stupid I was being, otherwise I wouldn't have done anything like that.» Despite the grimace on his face, Hanamaki was hardly holding back a smile, « _I_ was the one accused of having certain preferences, unbelievable.»  
«Weird... I could have sworn you said you didn't remember anything.»  
«I just got tired of you making fun of me because of that night.»  
«Don't worry, I can remember it for both of us!»

Oikawa was clearly having fun with his remarks, and Hanamaki couldn't help but smile back at him as he punched him on the arm.

«If you really can't stop thinking about me, I could make an exception and fall in love with you, darling.» Hanamaki winked.  
«NO! Please, don't!» Oikawa clasped his hands in prayer. «If you really care about me, don't do that! Two people are enough to drive me crazy!»  
«Don't worry, I'm still only into girls. The booze, the adrenaline and my competitiveness really messed with my head that night.»  
«Your life seems so simple, Makki. Lucky you!»  
«Don't start with the _"lucky you"_ , you bastard. You've always had so many girls lining up just to look at you, it's not my fault if you've always been dumped by them. I really hated you back in those days, you know?»  
«Yeah, and look at me now.» Oikawa was still smiling, but his voice couldn't hide his true feelings.  
«Now that I think about it, there's one thing I've always wondered.»  
«Like what?»  
«How did you figure out you were attracted to boys? You don't need to answer me if you don't want to, I understand that it's something personal.»  
«Don't worry, it's fine. It would be stupid to be embarrassed by something like this now. Anyway, Iwa-chan was of course the one who aroused my doubts.» Oikawa put his hands back in his coat, sliding down the backrest to sit down normally on the bench. «It was the beginning of summer break, a few weeks before my birthday party. I won't bore you with the whole story, just know that, whether you believe it or not, you're the one who really opened my eyes to it. It's your fault.»  
«You make it sound like I'm the bad guy here! You should thank me instead of saying that it's my fault. And you didn't even push me away, so-»  
«Who's the one who likes boys here? I'll give you a hint: not you.»

Oikawa's victorious smile preceded his words, and with them, the awareness of being the winner of that back-and-forth. Hanamaki in fact shook his head, mumbling something that sounded like a curse towards the ex-captain.

«I'm really gonna miss these momen-» Oikawa was taken aback from Hanamaki's punch against his right side.  
«Don't you dare!» Hanamaki stood up to glower at him with his hands on his hips. «Don't say things like _"I'll miss this"_ or _"I'll miss that"_ when you still have to put an end to this mess! School is almost over, don't you understand that? Or are you waiting for graduation day so that you won't have a choice to make? Seriously Oikawa, there are too many things you have to do before you can be sentimental like that!»

Hanamaki's words made Oikawa's eyes widen in shock.

It still hadn't occurred to him that in only two months, they would all graduate and go their own way. He had so little time to repair the damages he had done, considering he wouldn't see his friends during winter break. Then, after his entrance exams... everything was going to be over. There would be no more summer camps, no more tournaments to play alongside his team... or at least, not with his old team. Not with Matsukawa, Hanamaki, Yahaba, Kindaichi, Kunimi and the rest of his friends. Not with Iwaizumi, because their time...

_Their time... was coming to an end._

There would be no friendship to repair if he was going to keep avoiding the issue.

It was that realization that set the gears in his mind in motion.

«Oik-»  
«Listen, Makki ...» Oikawa swallowed, his heart thundering in his chest at the idea of what he was about to do, «I need to do something, do you mind if we end this conversation here?»

Oikawa was sure that what Hanamaki saw in his eyes was something between fear and determination. The only thing certain was that, luckily, it was something strong enough to make his friend nod without asking any explanation.

«Sure. No problem at all.» Then, after a second, he added, «If you need anything, call me, okay? See you tomorrow.»

Oikawa was about to reply, but in the end he just smiled and nodded in return. He didn't look away from Hanamaki's back until he was out of his sight, then he looked up at the sky – which was already loosing the colours of the sunset – and took a deep breath. The lights from the buildings around him were already on, barely illuminating where Oikawa was sitting.

Hanamaki had made him think.

Considering how little time he had left, he was really wasting it, waiting for... what? He himself had said that time wouldn't give him any answer. Waiting didn't make sense in his situation, and... maybe, even what he was about to do didn't make sense. _At all._

Oikawa took off his glove and grabbed the phone from his pants' pocket, staring at the black screen for a few seconds before taking again a deep breath.

He had to do something to shake things up... anything, to avoid ruining what was left of their relationship. If the wall between them had become too high to be climbed... he would take it down by force.

_"To: Iwa-chan  
_ _Same place, after class. I’ll wait for you."_

\- - -

Time seemed to never pass. Waiting on the same bench, earphones in his ears – even if he wasn't really paying attention to the music – Oikawa sat still for what seemed hours, observing the few visible stars in the sky.

As the sun went down, the cold winter air forced Oikawa to hide his face into the collar of his coat and bury his hands in his pockets. Despite his heavy clothes, he could still feel the cold penetrate his bones, the faint wind making him shiver.

He didn't even know why he was still waiting. Ever since he had sent the message, his mind had been blank, except for a single question that still echoed in his head: _"What now?"_

Suddenly, the stars in front of him disappeared, and instead a pair of eyes, green as emeralds, met his own, making his heartbeat speed up.  
On another occasion, he would have jumped in fear at the apparition, but in that particular moment, incapable as he was to move a muscle, the only thing he could do in response to such closeness was to widen his eyes, barely parting his lips to say something that died in his throat.

Iwaizumi was standing behind the other, leaning against the backrest of the bench. He was looking at him with the same old, annoyed frown Oikawa was used to, which soon disappeared to give way to a soft smile as he reached out to remove one of Oikawa's earphones.

Oikawa really tried to convince himself that the shiver that ran down his back was due to the cold and not to the feather-like touch on his cheek.

«If I'd known you had earphones, I wouldn't have called your name like an idiot.» In the silence of the courtyard, Iwaizumi's voice sounded crystal clear.  
«Sorry, I was thinking...» Oikawa found himself unable to say more.

Iwaizumi shrugged and went to sit next to Oikawa, who didn't even try to look away from him.

Oikawa couldn't help but notice that the silence that immediately fell between them was different. It wasn't tense, caused by embarrassment or unresolved issues. It was... calm. It was almost pleasant to stay like that, sitting next to each other... well, _almost_. Everything would have been fine if it wasn't for the cold wind that made Oikawa sneeze.

Iwaizumi turned towards him, «Have you been waiting long?»  
Oikawa shook his head, «Not too long.»  
«Liar, you're freezing.»  
«No, I'm not, don't-» Before he could finish talking, Iwaizumi had already taken off his scarf and wrapped it around Oikawa's neck.

Oikawa looked at the scarf first, then at Iwaizumi. For a moment he found himself unsure about what to do, after all they were there to talk about the future of their relationship – if it even had one – and not to have a friendly conversation. But then he buried his face in the scarf, inhaling the smell he could only describe as nostalgic, enjoying how it immediately warmed his cheeks, and he couldn't stop the pleased smile that formed on his face.

Iwaizumi smiled in turn, before finally starting the conversation that neither of them seemed willing to address.

«Do I have to worry about this sudden meeting?»

Oikawa's eyes met Iwaizumi's, who simply raised his eyebrows in question, but he didn't answer right away.

In those eyes, those green eyes he'd known for as long as he could remember, Oikawa saw every single day of the past few months. Summer break, the birthday party, the kisses, the quarrels, the anger, the sadness, the love, the disappointment... and, last but not least, the realization that everything was coming to an end.

The memory of the sharp sting he had felt in his heart before bursting into tears in front of Matsukawa seemed finally to wake him up from his trance.

Oikawa turned towards Iwaizumi with his whole body so he could look him straight in the eyes, «No. I mean, maybe... I don't know. I just wanted to talk.»  
«Why now?»

He had every reason in the world to ask him that. After their last conversation at Oikawa's house, they had barely talked to each other. They had walked home together a few times, but only because they had met at the school's gate by chance.

How could this be called a solution?

_You have no time._

«Because I'm tired of believing we could really go back to the old days.»  
«Oikawa...» Iwaizumi's tone seemed to speak for him. “ _Don't.”  
_ «Iwa-chan, listen. I don't want to fight. I just want to talk... heart-to-heart, once and for all.» Oikawa noticed when Iwaizumi nervously bit his lower lip, but he kept going, «I went through a hellish week, it's been awful, but it was something I needed because it helped me face the truth. I was made aware of how little time I have left to fix the mess I've made and I can no longer sit around and do nothing while the most precious friendship I ever had continues to fall apart. So, please... if you don't want to talk, at least listen to me.»

Oikawa was taken aback by Iwaizumi's composed look when their eyes met. He believed he would have been more... confused? Worried?

Maybe, during that year, more than one person had matured.

«Okay.» Iwaizumi turned properly towards Oikawa, «I'll listen to what you have to say, but I won't promise to shut up. I have a lot of questions for you too. Deal?»

Oikawa nodded without thinking twice, and for once he started talking without worrying about what to say, as if his mind had already been made up beforehand.

«First of all, I want to tell you that I don't regret falling in love with you.» Iwaizumi's eyes widened in surprise, but he had the decency to not interrupt him. «Many times I've told myself that everything was my fault, that if I hadn't fallen for you we would still be laughing together as friends. Well, it's not like that anymore. I made many mistakes, but loving you isn't one of them. Of course, the consequences have been more or less catastrophic, but I'll always treasure those feelings and-»  
«You're talking as if it's something from the past...» Iwaizumi looked at Oikawa from the corner of his eye.  
Oikawa sighed, «Iwa-chan...»  
«Heart-to-heart, Oikawa. You said it.»  
«... _I still love you_.» All he could hear was the drumming of his heart. «You know I do, but you also know how I feel about it at the moment. You know me all too well and you know what's going on in my mind, maybe even better than I do.»  
«Then... why Matsukawa?» Before the other could say anything, Iwaizumi reached out a hand in his direction to stop him, not wanting to be interrupted. It was finally time to make things clear, right? Then it was time to put _everything_ on the table. «I accepted what happened between you two in the locker room because we still hadn't clarified anything between us. But what about the other times? Why did you kiss him again? Why doing something like that after telling me you loved me?»

Oikawa took a deep breath, trying to to find a logical thread from which to start between the many things he had in mind. The calm he was feeling before had soon made room for the nervousness that exuded from his every little gesture.

«I was angry, Iwa-chan. Because of our loss against Karasuno, mostly, but also because you were still avoiding me. I felt like you were toying with me. Then Matsukawa and I argued, I was furious, I wasn't thinking, and when he kissed me... I felt appreciated. You know how I am soon after losing a match, I feel like everything is my fault, and knowing that there was someone who accepted me despite that... I don't know, saying it out loud sounds really stupid now.»  
«Because it _is_ stupid! I’ve always been there for you after a match! Why not come to me like you've done every other damn time?» There was more resignation than anger in Iwaizumi's voice, perhaps because he was aware that he couldn't change the past.  
Oikawa stood up and faced Iwaizumi, unable to stay sat, «How? I couldn't come to you as if everything was okay between us! Do I need to remind you that we hadn't spoken for days, apart from the night before the match?»  
«I came looking for you, Tooru.»  
Oikawa felt a lump form in his throat, «Wait... what?»

Iwaizumi stood up slowly, looking right into Oikawa's eyes. There was a smile on his lips when he shook his head in resignation. A bitter smile, almost forced.

«I came looking for you that day. I saw you talking with Ushijima, but since you looked irritated, I did what you always asked me to do after losing to Shiratorizawa: I left you alone to let you cool down a bit. That's why I didn't speak to you after the match.»

Oikawa felt the guilt weight on his heart like a stone. If Iwaizumi had stopped him, he wouldn't have seen Hanamaki and certainly he wouldn't have met Matsukawa. If Iwaizumi had talked to him, Oikawa would never have kissed Matsukawa and he wouldn't have ended up arguing with his best friend.

Maybe things would have _really_ gone differently.

«Why haven't you ever told me?» Oikawa's eyes couldn't hide the sadness and the anger he was feeling.  
«It wouldn't have changed anything at that point.» Iwaizumi shrugged.  
«YES!» This time Oikawa couldn't help but yell. «It would have changed things, _for me_!»

Unlike Oikawa, Iwaizumi's composure never wavered. If he was nervous or worried or even angry about the situation, he certainly didn't let it show.

«Listen, Oikawa... why did we decide to not go further with our relationship and to remain friends?» Iwaizumi wasn't stupid. He knew why, but he wanted to hear the answer from the other.  
«Because...» Oikawa hesitated, overwhelmed by the intensity in his best friend's eyes, «...why do you want me to repeat it?»  
«Because I love you. There was a time when I tried to hide those feelings even to myself, but it's now something I could never lie about. You asked me why I didn't tell you that I'd come looking for you after the tournament, and the answer is pretty simple, even though you're saying otherwise: because I _kn_ _e_ _w_ that it wouldn't have changed anything. Just like I know that saying that I love you won't help me change your mind, since you've told me that over and over again. I understand that you don't want your ideal relationship to be uncertain and I respect you decision.» Iwaizumi paused for moment, thinking about his next words, «But then I found out that you're seeing Matsukawa. And no, I didn't ask anyone about you two. Our mothers met at the grocery store last week and yours told mine that you'd been going out with someone. It didn't take me long to understand what was going on.»  
«What's with my date with Mattsun?» Oikawa's hands started shaking imperceptibly, so he clenched his fists in a gesture that he hoped would appear casual.  
«You don't want to be with me because you want certainties, but then you go out with Matsukawa who, according to what you said, doesn't even love you?» More than anger, there was disbelief in his voice.  
«Iwa-chan, stop...» Oikawa's voice became a mere whisper.

Oikawa hadn't called Iwaizumi there to argue with him, that's not how their discussion should have gone. He didn't want to remember his date with Matsukawa, his breakdown after thinking about Iwaizumi, his tears, his-

«No, I won't stop until you tell me how things really are. I want to understand what the hell is going through your head right now! You can be with someone who doesn't love you, but you can't accept being with me because, after seventeen years spent together, I fell in love with you but I don't know what to do? Sorry if I find it hard to accept it! I can't force you to be with me if you want to be with someone else, but-»  
«I DON'T WANT SUCH A RELATIONSHIP _WITH YOU_! Is that so hard to understand!?» Oikawa's voice broke, just as his eyes filled with tears.

Iwaizumi sighed, ruffling his own hair.

«Oikawa, you want me to be close to you in spite of everything and that's what I'm trying to do, but I can't go on like this. Whenever we overcome an obstacle, another ten appear in front of us. I try to face them with the same resolution because I know it takes time to go back to what we used to be. One step at a time, we talked again and we even went home together... so, what's the meaning of this talk we're having? Why sending me that message? Why opening this wound again? How can I understand what I have to do if not even you know what you really want?»  
«Yes, you're right! I don't know, okay!?» Oikawa had never yelled like that for something... or maybe he did, with Iwaizumi, during one of their many quarrels... who knows, he couldn't remember. In that moment, he couldn't think of anything except of how much Iwaizumi's words were hurting him.  
«Every single time we talk, we think we've settled everything, just to find out that we haven't clarified anything! We can't go on like this, so listen to me!» Iwaizumi took a step forward, which made Oikawa take a step back instinctively. «I'm done with this shit. I will never, NEVER, stop thinking that my messed up feelings for you are worth much more than what anyone else can ever give you. You don't want such a relationship with me? Fine! So tell me that you don't want to be with me and that you will never change your mind! _NOW_. Stop blaming me if you don't know what the fuck is going on though your head!»  
«OF COURSE I WANT TO BE WITH YOU, I LOVE YOU!»

Iwaizumi saw Oikawa's eyes widen, tears falling down his cheeks, reddened by both the cold and the anger, and his body moved on his own. He couldn't stay still while the person he loved was shouting that he loved him too, that he wanted to be with him, but at the same time that he wanted to distance himself from him. It was too much to bear.

Iwaizumi approached him rapidly, grabbing him by his wrist as soon as Oikawa tried to push him away, and curling his other hand in his hair before kissing him.

Their breaths were heavy, their lips wet with tears, their noses cold against each others. They'd never shared such a messy, desperate kiss before, but it was certainly one they would never forget.

Iwaizumi's hands were icy cold against Oikawa's skin, but the ex-captain couldn't care less about it. His mind was already filled with all the things he should have said to Iwaizumi, from cursing him for such a sudden gesture to crying out that he was crazy for thinking that a kiss could solve everything.

Instead, Oikawa did what he never expected himself to do: he freed himself from Iwaizumi's grip and cupped his hands around the other's face, holding him firmly and deepening that kiss without worrying about his still flowing tears.

They just wanted to believe that everything was fine, even for a second, just to savour the pleasure of a fleeting happiness... a happiness that faded away the moment Oikawa put an end to the kiss to look at Iwaizumi straight in his eyes, slowly shaking his head, as if he wanted to deny everything that was happening. He didn't want to ruin what very little they still had. He didn't want to risk permanently losing the person he cared about the most.

«Why do you keep insisting? Why don't you understand that the more you do stuff like this, the more you hurt me?» Oikawa shoulders shook slightly, «Why do you have to be... so confused?» He pushed Iwaizumi away with renewed strength, «WHAT'S THERE TO BE SO CONFUSED ABOUT!? You're asking me to be with you with even though no one will guarantee me that you won't change your mind from one day to the next! Why can't you understand that we have already ruined everything? Why do you keep trying to fix something that is already broken? We can't even be in the same room without thinking about what's happened between us! I hate everything about this situation!»

For the first time since they'd met up, Iwaizumi looked away.

Probably, from an external point of view, everything seemed easy, but experiencing it first hand was different. It was hard to accept that being together meant trusting something uncertain, to leave any fear behind and jump into the unknown, hoping to have made the right choice.

«Oikawa...»  
Oikawa pushed Iwaizumi away as soon as he tried to approach him again, «Go away. Please. If you love me as much as you say, do me this favour and leave me alone...»

\- - -

Oikawa didn't know how long he stayed there for, crying, thinking about the low blow of using Iwaizumi's own feelings to make him go away.

He knew he needed to get up, wipe away the tears and go home. Practice would be over soon and he really wasn't in the mood to give his friends an explanation.

He should have done that, but to tell the truth he couldn't even find the strength to stand up from the bench. All he was able to do was remember Iwaizumi's words, the harrowing feelings that were destroying him, and the kiss.

The kiss that, through tears and yelling, just for a moment, had been able to make him forget everything and make him think that maybe, _maybe_ , there was still a chance for him to be happy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -4 chapters guys, I still can't believe it.  
> First of all, as always, I thank you for everything. The fact that there are still people that encourage us to continue this fic is the reason I worked so hard during the past few weeks.   
> I also wanted to remind you that I have a twitter (@betweenAJ14), and that I tweet about this fic with #MTAEHQ and #morethananythingelsehq  
> WE LOVE YOU ALL.


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